No Pork Jokes
139 no pork jokes and hilarious no pork puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about no pork that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest No Pork Short Jokes
Short no pork jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The no pork humour may include short pork jokes also.
- WARNING: There's an email going round... ...offering Processed Pork, Gelatin, and Salt in a Can.
If you get this email, DO NOT OPEN IT.
It's spam! - I asked my Asian girlfriend for 69 She made me crunchy sweet and sour pork with double rice
- China has announced a tariff on pork imports from the US It's unclear if they are referring to food or tourists at this time.
- She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular." I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."
- What is Green...and Smells Like Pork? What is Green...and Smells Like Pork?
Kermit the Frog's Finger!! - So i stole this joke from I Love Lucy, So a woman walks into a restaurant The woman says to the waiter, "Two pork chops, and make them lean." And the waiter says, "Yes, ma'am. Which way?"
- My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party.. I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.
- What did Tommy Wiseau say to his wife when she was making pulled pork? You're tearing meat apart Lisa!
- Pork, eh? A Canadian guy walked into the kitchen and saw his Mexican roommate having dinner, so he said to him, "pork, eh?" And the the roommate said, "porque me gusta."
- Roast beef and pork are both pulled from the oven The pork says to the beef, "we meat again".
(Courtesy of my 8 year old)
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No Pork One Liners
Which no pork one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with no pork? I can suggest the ones about no dairy and pulled pork.
- My butcher is very rude I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder
- What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork Chop.
- I know Muslims can't eat pork. Islam ok though?
- What do you call a small pork farm? ... a hamlet.
- what do you call a 145 million year old swine carcass? Jurassic Pork
Ill show^myself^out - What do you get when you play tug of war with a pig? Pulled pork.
- Why should you eat pork sausage on February 2nd? Because it is ground hog day.
- What do you call canned pork laced with Ritalin? Short Attention Spam
- Did you hear about the kid that got a skin graft from a pig? Pork kid
- I'm a fan of Star Wars. So at lunch I saved my pork for last so I could have Ham Solo.
- What do you call a pig with a torn hamstring? Pulled Pork!
- What do you call a pig in an elevator? A pork lift
- Old but gold What is green and smells like pork?
Kermit the frog's middle finger - What is the ultimate Jewish conflict? Pork chops at half price
- What do you call the crossover between a pig and a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork
No Pork Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about no pork you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pork chop jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make no pork pranks.
What do you call a ham you really want? Pork-you-pine!
Q: What do you give a pig who wins a medal at the Olympic games?
A: A pork medallion.
Customer: "Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?"
Waiter: "Can’t you tell the difference by taste?"
Customer: "No, I can’t."
Waiter: "Then does it really matter?"
Pork and Leek... great flavor for sausages... lousy brand name for condoms.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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The older man and his problems
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform s**.... He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more s**... and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath;
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
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So, the other night I picked up a p**......
... And I began to pork her for several hours. I could tell she was really enjoying it, she made all sorts of weird noises.
I must have been going through puberty,
Because I made that hormone.
A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head.
The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"
The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."
The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."
Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."
Priest and Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were having lunch and the priest asked, "Have you ever strayed from not eating pork?" The rabbi said, "Well, once, but there was absolutely nothing else to eat, so I had a ham sandwich."
Then the rabbi asked the priest, "Did you ever stray from your vow of celibacy?" The priest said, "Yes, just once."
And the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The suave Englishman at the breakfast table asked his sweetheart "Please pass the sugar, sugar!"
The debonair Frenchman asked his girl "Please pass the honey, honey!"
The American r**..., not to be outdone, yelled "Pass the pork, pig!"
At the dinner party...
the suave man asks his wife "Pass the sugar, sugar!"
Not to be outdone, his buddy says to his own wife "Pass the honey, honey!"
Their biker pal turns to his old lady and yells "Pass the pork, pig!"
What did the cannibal make of the politician he just met?
Pork and bologne sammiches.
A Muslim man went to China...
And went to a nearby Chinese restaurant. He orders his food and, being the faithful Muslim man he is, he wants to make sure that his food isn't pork.
He asks the waiter "Is this pork?" but the waiter doesn't know any English.
So instead he points at his food and says "Oink?"
The waiter quickly shakes his head and says "Meow"
A therapist and his client play a word association game and the therapist asks, "What's the first word that comes to mind after the word 'pork'?"
...he responds, "U pine."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter saw me eating prosciutto
True story: my daughter saw me eating prosciutto and clucked her tongue. "I think eating prosciutto is like, the worst thing a Jew can do."
I am Jewish, so I asked, "Why is that?"
"Well, it's pork and it's expensive."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chinese anniversary
A Chinese couple is celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary. The husband says, "Since this is such a special night for us, I'll make love to you however you'd like." The wife replies, "Oh, all my friends tell me they love 69! Let's do 69 tonight!" The husband says, "You want to make love with sweet & sour pork??"
What do you call it when two cops dance?
Pork Grinds
A Muslim cannibal walks into a bar
The bar tender says, 'Wow, is it true that human meat tastes like pork?"
The Muslim says "How am I supposed to know? I'm a Muslim, I don't eat pork."
Pork shoulder meat, ham meat, salt, water, preservatives.
Sorry, that was spam.
What do Vegans, ISIS and Feminists have in common?
None of them like pork.
I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...
There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs.
The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.
An old rabbi feels his time on earth is coming to an end...
He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he's done, and all the things he wishes he'd done. He thinks to himself, "I've always wanted to try pork!"
So the rabbi, being a cautious man, travels a few towns over and looks for a restaurant. Finding a likely place, he reads the menu and sees what he's looking for - a whole suckling pig. He sits down and places the order. Soon the pig arrives, skin crisp and glistening, with a big red apple in its mouth.
The rabbi is just about to tuck in when a member of his synagogue walks in and spots him. "Rabbi!" he exclaims, aghast, "What on Earth are you *doing*?!".
The rabbi looks at his plate, looks at the guy, and says "This restaurant! I order a baked apple, look how they serve it!"
A Spaniard moves to Canada. After his flight lands, he goes to get some dinner.
He orders pork. A local asks him why.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Why does Ms. Piggy use honey and vinegar d**...?
Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What do you call a Jewish cop?
Kosher Pork.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Why can't Rabbis eat pork and Priests can't have s**...?
Because the Rabbis got to choose first.
What do Swedish criminals say when the cops are coming?
Pork! Pork! Pork!
What do Spanish Canadians put on their tacos?
Pork, eh?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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what do you call it when a cop goes to a rub n tug?
Pulled pork
What do you call a pig on a leash?
Pulled Pork
Where do Isis go to for lunch?
ALLAH'S SNACKBAR
Serving pork 24/7
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A muslim and his wife are chatting during dinner
Wife: Did you hear about the gorilla that got shot in the zoo?
Husband: Wait what are you eating?
Wife: Pork
Husband: Thats haram bae.
Wife: Oh so you did hear about it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What do you call a police officer who has just finished m**...?
Pulled pork!
Dining Out
A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.
It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit! said my wife.
And Sir? said the waiter. How did you find the pork belly?
Oh, about six years ago, we met at a sales convention.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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(Repost because I s**... up) You know how Muslims can't eat pork?
I mean if I couldn't eat bacon, I would want to fly a plane into a building.
(Yeah this joke bombed)
In regards to the little slice of pork in "Pork 'n Beans"
That pig is probably fine.
A woman goes to the butcher shop to buy some sausages
When she gets them, she notices that they're half pork and half cornmeal. Bringing this up to the butcher, she says, "it's cornmeal on the left and pork on the right!" He tells her "It's to cut costs, ma'am. In this economy, it's so hard to make all ends meat."
A couple are about to finish their dinner, when the waiter arrives.
Waiter: How did you like your steak, ma'am?
Wife: Oh it was good, thank you. Pay the chef my compliments.
Waiter: And Sir, how did you find your Pork Belly?
Husband: Oh well, we met on a train some fifteen years ago...
What band do pigs listen to?
Linkin Pork
What do you call a dinosaur wrapped in bacon?
Jurassic Pork.
What's a sausage makers favourite band?
Linkin Pork
Why is pork lo mein cheaper than chicken lo mein?
A cat usually has more dark meat than it does light meat.
What do you call it when you borrow money from a pig?
A pork tender-loan
How do you make a pig pregnant?
... you pork one.
I don't understand why people say smoking is bad.
It cures pork.
What do you call someone who is in love with multiple hunks of pork?
Polyhamorous
What do you call a Japanese warrior who only eats pork?
A hamurai.
What do they call pork in Sweden?
Pjork
I just bought myself a radio controlled pork polisher
It's called Guglielmo Marconi's Baloney Zamboni
What do you get when you cross BBQ'ed pork with a gigantic sea monster?
Release the Kracklen!
What is David Cameron's favourite food?
Pulled pork
What do you call a room full of police officers who just completed a survey?
Polled Pork
Which branch of local government do pigs work at?
Porks and Recreation.
A rabbi and a priest
A rabbi and a priest were at a communal dinner when a dish of roast pork was served.
The priest leaned into the rabbi's ear and whispered, "You planning on eating that buddy?"
The rabbi chuckled and replied, "Not today. But I'm definitely planning to have some at your wedding."
Why doesn't Louis C.K. grill by himself?
Because he likes it when people watch him pull his pork.
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I'm afraid I may have s**... up Christmas dinner
The roast pork was crackle-lacking.
What's slimy, cold, long, and smells like pork?
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If you gave Kim Jong-un a Kim Pork-bun he'd have Kim Munch-fun and you'd have to Kim Fast-run
Because he doesn't like non-nationals, generally.
Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb,
Mary had a little lamb and then she had some pork
So, a three guys are working with imported meats
The team gets three crates. One of French steaks, but the best before was yesterday. One of English pork ribs: best before a week ago. And one of Germain snags: best before a month ago. They draw straws to work out who has to deal with which meats. The longest straw gets the steak crate, the middle gets the ribs, and geting the short straw is the wurst case scenario.
What do old women and pork pies have in common?
You have to break through the crust to get to the pink.
What do you get when you cook an itchy pig?
Pork scratchings
Pork Chop
Most people are confused when I tell them that me and my dad had a falling out over him cutting up my little Pork Chop.
I guess that they don't understand the bond between man and dog.
I don't really eat pork
But when I do, I go HAM.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What do you get when you j**... a pig?
Pulled pork.
I tried cooking Chinese spare ribs in the oven instead of the pan.
I'll tell you it was a walk in the park compared to the pork in the wok.
What do you call a pig with a fork?
Pork
A Muslim man is charged with starving his wife
When questioned the man replied he was simply following the Koran.
The Lord said, "Do not eat pork"
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A Muslim guy's girlfriend was killed for eating pork
RIP Haram bae