No Money Jokes
96 no money jokes and hilarious no money puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about no money that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest No Money Short Jokes
Short no money jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The no money humour may include short money tight jokes also.
- Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...
- If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets.... I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.
- When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
- Cashier: that'll be $19.99 Me: *pulls out a $50*
Cashier: sorry we've been having problems with counterfeit money… Have anything smaller?
Me: Sure! *pulls out a $30* - I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
- Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money. - My buddy took a job circumcising elephants at the zoo The money's not great but the tips are huge
- I wish my college was run by EA At least I'd get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money
- If i had a nickel for every existential crisis it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless
- My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it
Share These No Money Jokes With Friends
No Money One Liners
Which no money one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with no money? I can suggest the ones about owe money and finding money.
- I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
- What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money? Patreon
- A robber broke into my house last night looking for money So I woke up to look with him.
- I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
- Where do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations
- Today I made my first money as a Programmer. I sold my laptop.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.
- A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money. It was a strobbery.
- I'm addicted to having money in the bank. And I really do suffer from withdrawals.
- What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer? By selling your camera.
- I once made a belt out of $100 bills Turns out it was just a waist of money
- If I had a dollar for every gender I would have two dollars and a lot of monopoly money.
- What do you call a belt made of dollar bills? A waist of money.
- I recently came into a large sum of money. Now it's all sticky and no one will accept it.
Great No Money Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about no money you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean spending money jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make no money pranks.
A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there's no money in there.
A cute one I heard from a friend at work.
Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".
A man moves into a haunted house
After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."
Lost job and no money for buy potato.
Also is cold.
Regret immigrate to Detroit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men walk into a bar…
They have no money, so the bartender makes a deal with them:
I hear that the punch served at that party over there is really good, go get me some, and your drinks are free.
So o**... goes over and gets the punch. When he returns, the bartender is a bit surprised.
Well that was fast
Well, yeah, the guy replies there was no punchline.
What do you call an artist who has no money
baroque.....
(I'll just see myself out)
A man hurriedly walks into a bar
Man (trying to catch his breath): bartender, give me a scotch neat before I get into a fight
BT: here you go
Man (gulping all in at once): one more before I get into a fight
BT: here
Man: again, before I get into a fight
BT: here, but out of curiosity, who are you fighting
Man (finishing his drink): most likely you, because I got no money.
A billionaire goes for a drive
... and his Rolls Royce pulls up next to a stoplight, and he notices someone on the side of the road picking grass and eating it. He orders his driver to turn right, and park on the side of the road next to the man. He exits the vehicle and walks up to the man, and asks him, "sir, why are you eating grass?" The man says, "I am hungry, and have no money to eat with, so all I have to eat is grass." The billionaire says to the man, "well then, come with me to my mansion and I'll feed you." The man replies with, "I have children, and a wife." The billionaire replies with, "that's fine, bring them too." The man replies with, "we also live with my brother in law, his wife, and his kids." The billionaire replies, "Bring them all, I'll send to have them picked up." The man asks the billionaire, "why sir are you so kind to us?" The billionaire replies with, "my last lawn crew quit, and the grass in the front acre is nearly 2ft tall."
A broke man goes to a famous lawyer...
"I have no money but I can give you an original picasso drawing"
"That sounds good! What are you accused of?"
"stealing a Picasso drawing."
A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...
He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.
The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the s**... club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that's nothing. I was so wasted last night, I sold my car to a homeless guy for 50 cents.' Finally the first guy cuts them both off. 'You guys don't understand.....Chunks is my girlfriends golden retriever.'
The U.K. has no money
Sorry for poor English
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both want a drink, but they have no money on them.
I was mugged last night by a thief on the way home
Pointing a knife at me, he said
"Your money or your life"
I told him I was married so I have no money & no life
We hugged & cried together...
It was a beautiful moment
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Nuns and Prostitutes have in common?
They both live by the motto "No money, no s**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irish friends leave the pub.
Two Irish friends leave the pub.
One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'. 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.
We could steal a bus from the depot' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91' 'Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
I almost got mugged today
Guy runs up on me with a knife and says' "Your money or your life."
I said, "Look, man, I'm married. I ain't got no money and I ain't got no life."
He gave me a hug and a cigarette.
Indians Robbing a Bank
An Indian man tries to rob a bank. He walks out of the bank with no money. The getaway driver asks him Where's the money? And why do you have so many computers? The bank robber replies They thougth I was tech support.
A boy looks longingly to the distant islands
He wants to run away to the islands but the only problem is he's got no money. He walks over to his wise old neighbor and asks him for advice on how to get to there.
The old man says, well these woods here have magical pixies that have a special dust. If you get their dust you could just fly there! The only problem is they don't just give it out for free. You're gonna want to sneak up on 'em.
The boy nods his head in disbelief.
The old man says, So, I guess your options are you hire a boat, or catch a fairy!
The Answering Machine
Hi, this is Eric.
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are a telemarketer, I have no money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
What do you call a sugar daddy with no money?
A splenda daddy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got offered the chance to do n**... stand up comedy recently.
There was no money in it, but it was worth it for the exposure.
What has 2 kids and no money?
Every military in Africa.
What do you call a woodcarver with no money?
Poor whittle guy
I'm so broke..
.. that when my Identiy was stolen today and LifeLock called me and said I now have no money in my bank account.
I was like, "Sweet! I'm no longer in debt"
'What Will Communism Be Like?'- A Russian Joke
One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, "What will it be like once we have built communism?". The Party man replied, "The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. "Comrades", he said, "We have built communism at last!"
Michigan Lawyer: "Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?"
Barney: "No sir. I ain't got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!"
Lawyer: "Well you can raise money on that. Now let's see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?"
Barney: "A 1928 Ford Car."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Olympian
An old man goes up to a p**.... He says how much do you charge? . She says €150 . He replies I've got no money, all I have is these two Olympic gold medals I won in the 60's . She says that'll do , takes the medals and off they go to take care of business. Next evening another old man approaches, how much do you charge? he asks. €200 she says. Are you any good? he then asks. Well I've two Olympic gold medals
How can you tell if a church in Europe has no money?
It's Baroque
I noticed a man passed out drunk so I stopped to check he was breathing I can confirm he was breathing.
I also checked his pockets and I can confirm he now has no money.
I lived how Steve Jobs told us to live
"If you live each day as it was your last,… "
And I have no money left!
The Bikers
A biker with a racing bike brags before chopper bikers and dares them to race. Despite he's obviously faster, the oldest of the chopper bikers agrees. The racing biker wants to bet $1000, but the chopper owner has no money so they agree to race for the honor of the victory.
They get ready for the uneven race. A countdown is proclaimed and the racing biker speeds away. The old biker shuts off his bike and returns to his beer.
Just got the iPhone 7.
It helped me lose weight! I now have no money to eat for 2 months
Pour me a drink before I get into a fight
Man: hurry, pour me a drink before I get into a fight
Bartender: here
Man: another one before I get into fight
Bartender: here
Man: another one before I...
Bartender: here, but who are you going to fight?
Man: you maybe, because I got no money.
2020 was the first year I didn't go on any trip due to COVID. Hopefully in 2021..
I would not be able to go on a trip just because I have no money.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pious woman was possessed by a d**...
She went to her priest, desperate to relieve herself of this burden. After a few silent rituals, she was rid of the d**.... As she was exiting though, the priest extended his hand, signifying he was due payment. The woman replied, "Oh, but father, I have no money!"
She was repossessed.
My mother pushed me to become a chemist, she said i would be rich
now im full of calcium, sulphur and hydrogen, but got no money
State of the world right now!
Young People have Energy and Time...But No Money
Adults have Energy and Money...But No Time
Old People have Time and Money... But No Energy
There were two economists who were shipwrecked on a desert island.
They had no money but over the next three years they made millions of dollars selling their hats to each other.
What do you call an arborist who has no money?
Bur Oak
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? (read - not spam)
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?
Here's an incredibly simple way to do it,
and there is nothing to buy,
no investment to make,
no money to lose!
Try it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
1) Hold down the shift key.
2) Hit the 4 key four times fast.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just met the most poor guy on this planet
He is the most hated person in his city despite being a nice guy, his boss pays him almost no money, his best friend is a total idiot, the only girl that talks to him lives in her own bubble, and the worst:
He lives in a pineapple under the sea.....
Salesperson at a big furniture store: "You put no money down and make no payments for 12 months!"
Me (nervously): "Who told you about us?"
So a French man was diagnosed with lung Cancer and only have 2 months to live.
He didn't want to die leaving his familly with no money, so he decided to rob the federal bank. When he told his friend about his plan, tha latter asked why was he doing something so dangerous for the sake of his familly.
The guy replied ''I've got nothing Toulouse!''
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a piglet with no money
A Por kid
TIFU by going over 88 miles per hour
Now gas is so expensive I have no money to go back.
Why did the beekeeper work so hard?
No Honey, No Money
Sam was a struggling singer
Sam wanted the new iPhone but he had no money for that so samsung
In the USA we use the dollar as money. In Russia,
There is no money.
What happens when you rid of ions for no money
It's free of charge
My love life makes a phenomenal car dealership promo
48 months no interest, no money down!
Ideal dream: make love not money
Reality: No money, no honey.
A blonde walked up to a man and said, "Give me your wallet."
The man said, "Okay, but give me the gun."
The blonde gave him the gun and the man gave his wallet.
The man used the gun to steal his wallet back.
The blonde said, "You're an idiot...there's no bullets in the gun."
The man replied, "You're the idiot...here's no money in the wallet."
The perfect gift for somebody who is always complaining that they have no money to buy gifts for all their kids at Christmas...
A box of condoms.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does Sean Connery have no money and a beard?
Because he's no good at shaving.
My girlfriend says I'm an idiot with money.
But I'm tellin' ya, she's wrong! I'm an idiot with no money!
Why does Cuba not have any casinos?
They Havana no money to spend.
Teachers make no money because...
Their job is useless! Haha lol! :(
When I was young, I wanted to grow up to have no money issues
Now that I'm an adult, I have no money *and* issues.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So i went to an shop to buy a vacuum cleaner...
And i looked at the prices, one was $100 the other was $99.
I looked in my pocket and i had $200.
But they were too cheap, so i went to look in a thirft store for something better.
When i got there, one was $130, the other $200 and the other $100.
But those were all used vacuum cleaners, and some of them were in a real bad shape.
So i went into another store, this one was especially fancy.
One was $500 the other was $400, but i had no money for that!
I went home feeling sad and angry for the rest of the day.
But thinking back now, there is no reasom to be sad because of it, they all s**... anyway
I had no money to watch Dunkirk when it came out.
Watched reversed Saving Private Ryan.
There is no money in computers..
...I ripped apart two or three of them and I couldn't find a cent.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man, who usually gets drunk, walks into a bar...
...and requests the bartender for two beers.
"Can I have 2 beers for the fight" - says the man.
The bartender gives him the beers, and he drinks them.
Here he goes again: "Can I have 2 extra beers for the fight" - he says again.
Again, the confused bartender gives him the beers, and the man again drinks them. But he wants a couple more, so, he goes again:
"Can I have 2 more beers for the fight" - he says, mid drunk.
But the angry bartender can't stand anymore, and says:
"I'm tired. What fight do you want the beers for?"
**"The one that you and me are going to make because I have no money"**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man rushes into a bar...
... and tells the bartender to quickly give him a shot of the finest whisky. The bartender complies and watches the strange man down it just as soon as it hit the bar.
"Another one! Fast!" the man demanded, and again the bartender complied. After three more rounds, curiosity gets the better of the bartender.
"Why are you downing them so fast? What's your hurry?" asked the bartender.
"If you knew what I had, you'd be in a hurry too!"
"What do you have?" the bartender asked.
The man drank down his last s**... and said, "No money."
Russia joke
Im America you put "In God We Trust" on you're money, But in Russia we have no money!
World's Best Vacuum Cleaner
A young man knocks on a residential door and an elderly lady answers, the young man says "hello maam, I'm here to show you the world's best vacuum cleaner!", she responds "sorry but I'm not interested and I have no money" as she tries to close the door.
Of course the young man puts his foot in the door and says "Maam, I'm so confident that this is the World's Best Vacuum Cleaner that I'll eat what's in this bag if you smell anything after this vacuum cleans and deodorizes your carpet!" He then takes a small bag of horse manure and dumps it right on her carpet in front of her.
She starts walking away to the back of the house and he says "where are you going maam, don't you want to see the world's best vacuum cleaner in action?", she replies "I'm going to get you some silverware from the kitchen because my power was turned off last week".
Hospital Bill
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms & a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
'Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister & she's a nun."
The nun became agitated & announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law".
:D
Why do people with no money have lots of kids?
They can't afford condoms
A taxi/cab driver picks up a drunken girl
A taxi/cab driver is driving down the street in the early hours and spots a drunken girl alone struggling to walk,
He pulls over and says "do you need a taxi love to get you home"
She says "yes" and gets into the rear seats.
The driver makes eye contact with her in the rear view mirror and asks where she's going and sets off
She says "thanks for helping me, the address is blah blah blah but I have no money to pay you"
Then she hitches up her short skirt exposing her lady parts and says "but I do have this"
The driver sighs and says
"Have you not got anything smaller".
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass.
He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.
"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.
"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"
"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.
They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
We are not spinsters
A man has a heart attack and gets rushed to the catholic hospital. Before he is released a nun approaches him about how the hospital will be paid. He states that he has no money no insurance and no job.
The nun asks "Do you have any wealthy family members?" The man says "the only family I have is and old spinster nun just like you.". The nun is offended and snaps "sir, we are not spinsters we are married to our lord Jesus Christ!" The the man snaps back "then send the bill to my brother in law!"
Eating grass
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.
"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.
"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"
"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.
They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
A man rushes into a bar...
The young barkeep asks him what he wants.
"A whiskey, as quick as you can!"
The barkeep brings it to him and the man downs it straight away.
"Another! make it a double"
The barkeep once again obliges and the man downs it again.
"Bring me another double, and a triple chaser"
The barkeep, a bit shocked, once again obliges and again the man downs both.
The barkeep, now getting curious, says to him.
"Excuse me sir, why are you drinking so much so quickly?"
He responds, "If you had what I had, you'd be doing the same!"
The barkeep asks him, "If you don't mind me asking, what have you got?"
The man responds...
"No money!"
Old lady thief....
An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.
During her court appearance the judge asked the lady "So tell me why did you steal the peaches?" to which the old lady replied, "Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat".
The judge then asked the old lady "How many peaches were in the tin?"
"Six" she replied.
"Ok i'm going to give you one day in prison for each peach."
All of a sudden, the wife's husband stood up and objected the judge's ruling.
"Your honor I have to admit, last week she stole a can of peas".
An elderly woman gets picked up up for shoplifting...
...a can of peaches at the local grocery store. When she arrives at the courthouse for her hearing, the judge asks her "Why did you steal the can of peaches?" to which she replies "Because I was craving peaches very badly and had no money, sir. I am very sorry." The judge sits and thinks for a minute, and comes to a conclusion. "How many peaches were in the can that you stole?" "Three," replies the old lady. "Then you will be sentenced to three days in jail." Just as he is about to slam his gavel, an old man in the stands raises his hand. The judge looks at him and says "Can I help you?"
The old man replies "Yes, hi, I am this woman's husband. I believe she also stole a can of peas."
The Jewelery Store
A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000." the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man
and said "There's no money in that account!"
'I know, said the old man, but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
A balding, white haired man from Bellville, in Cape Town
walked into a jewellery store in Tygervalley this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger blond at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $240,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
A drunk goes into a bar and orders a round of drinks for everyone, including the bartender....
... when the drinks are finished, the bartender gives the drunk his bill, and the drunk says he has no money. The bartender smacks the drunk across the head and throws him out of his bar.
The next day the drunk comes back and orders a round of drinks for everyone, including the bartender. When the drinks are finished, the bartender gives the drunk his bill, and again he says he has no money. The bartender kicks the drunk in the back and throws him out of his bar.
The next day the drunk comes back and orders a round of drinks for everyone, except for the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" the bartender says.
"Nah, you get angry when you drink," says the drunk.
The trophy girlfriend
An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, No, I'd like to see something more special.
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring.
Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000″ the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man, seeing this, said, We'll take it.
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon. he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. There's no money in that account.
I know, said the old man, But let me tell you about my weekend!!
Weekend
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, No, I'd like to see something more special.
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000″ the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, We'll take it.
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good,
so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon, he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. There's no money in that account.
I know, said the old man, But let me tell you about my weekend!
