No Money Jokes
113 no money jokes and hilarious no money puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about no money that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest No Money Short Jokes
Short no money jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The no money humour may include short money tight jokes also.
- Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...
- How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
- If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets.... I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.
- When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
- Cashier: that'll be $19.99 Me: *pulls out a $50*
Cashier: sorry we've been having problems with counterfeit money… Have anything smaller?
Me: Sure! *pulls out a $30* - I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
- Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money. - I can't stand homeless people Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.
- I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me. I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
- Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes Genie: what will be your first wish?
Dave: I want to be rich
Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?
Rich: I want a lot of money
Share These No Money Jokes With Friends
No Money One Liners
Which no money one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with no money? I can suggest the ones about owe money and finding money.
- I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
- What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money? Patreon
- A robber broke into my house last night looking for money So I woke up to look with him.
- What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild? A $100 bill.
- I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
- Where do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations
- Today I made my first money as a Programmer. I sold my laptop.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've had Does money even matter
- I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.
- How can you donate money to Taliban? Just pay your taxes in United States
- A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money. It was a strobbery.
- I'm addicted to having money in the bank. And I really do suffer from withdrawals.
- What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer? By selling your camera.
- A Robber entered my home in hopes of finding money..... I joined the search with him.
Great No Money Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about no money you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean spending money jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make no money pranks.
A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
10 shots of whiskey please!
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "No money."
Family had no money left, so the husband sent his wife to work the streets.
She came home in the morning, and her husband asked: How much did you make?
$804 she said
Which idiot gave you $4 ??? he asked
Well... everyone...
I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there's no money in there.
A cute one I heard from a friend at work.
Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".
A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly.
The barman says "That was quick!"
"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had..." replies the man.
"Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.
The man answers "no money."
A man moves into a haunted house
After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."
I got mugged by a thief last night.
I got mugged by a theif last night on my way from work.
Pointing a knife at me and asked me... "Your money or your life!".
I told him I am Married... "So I have no money and I have no life... ".
We hugged and cried together.
It was a beautiful moment....
I always carry pictures of my wife and kids in my wallet
It reminds me why no money is in there
Lost job and no money for buy potato.
Also is cold.
Regret immigrate to Detroit.
Three men walk into a bar…
They have no money, so the bartender makes a deal with them:
I hear that the punch served at that party over there is really good, go get me some, and your drinks are free.
So o**... goes over and gets the punch. When he returns, the bartender is a bit surprised.
Well that was fast
Well, yeah, the guy replies there was no punchline.
What do you call an artist who has no money
baroque.....
(I'll just see myself out)
A man hurriedly walks into a bar
Man (trying to catch his breath): bartender, give me a scotch neat before I get into a fight
BT: here you go
Man (gulping all in at once): one more before I get into a fight
BT: here
Man: again, before I get into a fight
BT: here, but out of curiosity, who are you fighting
Man (finishing his drink): most likely you, because I got no money.
A billionaire goes for a drive
... and his Rolls Royce pulls up next to a stoplight, and he notices someone on the side of the road picking grass and eating it. He orders his driver to turn right, and park on the side of the road next to the man. He exits the vehicle and walks up to the man, and asks him, "sir, why are you eating grass?" The man says, "I am hungry, and have no money to eat with, so all I have to eat is grass." The billionaire says to the man, "well then, come with me to my mansion and I'll feed you." The man replies with, "I have children, and a wife." The billionaire replies with, "that's fine, bring them too." The man replies with, "we also live with my brother in law, his wife, and his kids." The billionaire replies, "Bring them all, I'll send to have them picked up." The man asks the billionaire, "why sir are you so kind to us?" The billionaire replies with, "my last lawn crew quit, and the grass in the front acre is nearly 2ft tall."
A broke man goes to a famous lawyer...
"I have no money but I can give you an original Picasso drawing"
"That sounds good! What are you accused of?"
"stealing a Picasso drawing."
A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...
He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'
Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.
The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the s**... club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that's nothing. I was so wasted last night, I sold my car to a homeless guy for 50 cents.' Finally the first guy cuts them both off. 'You guys don't understand.....Chunks is my girlfriends golden retriever.'
The U.K. has no money
Sorry for poor English
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both want a drink, but they have no money on them.
I was mugged last night by a thief on the way home
Pointing a knife at me, he said
"Your money or your life"
I told him I was married so I have no money & no life
We hugged & cried together...
It was a beautiful moment
What do Nuns and Prostitutes have in common?
They both live by the motto "No money, no s**...."
Two Irish friends leave the pub.
Two Irish friends leave the pub.
One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'. 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.
We could steal a bus from the depot' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91' 'Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
I almost got mugged today
Guy runs up on me with a knife and says' "Your money or your life."
I said, "Look, man, I'm married. I ain't got no money and I ain't got no life."
He gave me a hug and a cigarette.
Indians Robbing a Bank
An Indian man tries to rob a bank. He walks out of the bank with no money. The getaway driver asks him Where's the money? And why do you have so many computers? The bank robber replies They thougth I was tech support.
A boy looks longingly to the distant islands
He wants to run away to the islands but the only problem is he's got no money. He walks over to his wise old neighbor and asks him for advice on how to get to there.
The old man says, well these woods here have magical pixies that have a special dust. If you get their dust you could just fly there! The only problem is they don't just give it out for free. You're gonna want to sneak up on 'em.
The boy nods his head in disbelief.
The old man says, So, I guess your options are you hire a boat, or catch a fairy!
The Answering Machine
Hi, this is Eric.
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are a telemarketer, I have no money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
What do you call a sugar daddy with no money?
A splenda daddy.
I got offered the chance to do n**... stand up comedy recently.
There was no money in it, but it was worth it for the exposure.
What has 2 kids and no money?
Every military in Africa.
What do you call a woodcarver with no money?
Poor whittle guy
I'm so broke..
.. that when my Identiy was stolen today and LifeLock called me and said I now have no money in my bank account.
I was like, "Sweet! I'm no longer in debt"
'What Will Communism Be Like?'- A Russian Joke
One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, "What will it be like once we have built communism?". The Party man replied, "The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. "Comrades", he said, "We have built communism at last!"
Michigan Lawyer: "Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?"
Barney: "No sir. I ain't got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!"
Lawyer: "Well you can raise money on that. Now let's see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?"
Barney: "A 1928 Ford Car."
Olympian
An old man goes up to a p**.... He says how much do you charge? . She says €150 . He replies I've got no money, all I have is these two Olympic gold medals I won in the 60's . She says that'll do , takes the medals and off they go to take care of business. Next evening another old man approaches, how much do you charge? he asks. €200 she says. Are you any good? he then asks. Well I've two Olympic gold medals
How can you tell if a church in Europe has no money?
It's Baroque
I noticed a man passed out drunk so I stopped to check he was breathing I can confirm he was breathing.
I also checked his pockets and I can confirm he now has no money.
I lived how Steve Jobs told us to live
"If you live each day as it was your last,… "
And I have no money left!
The Bikers
A biker with a racing bike brags before chopper bikers and dares them to race. Despite he's obviously faster, the oldest of the chopper bikers agrees. The racing biker wants to bet $1000, but the chopper owner has no money so they agree to race for the honor of the victory.
They get ready for the uneven race. A countdown is proclaimed and the racing biker speeds away. The old biker shuts off his bike and returns to his beer.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet …
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Because you have no money left after buying an Apple product
Just got the iPhone 7.
It helped me lose weight! I now have no money to eat for 2 months
Pour me a drink before I get into a fight
Man: hurry, pour me a drink before I get into a fight
Bartender: here
Man: another one before I get into fight
Bartender: here
Man: another one before I...
Bartender: here, but who are you going to fight?
Man: you maybe, because I got no money.
2020 was the first year I didn't go on any trip due to COVID. Hopefully in 2021..
I would not be able to go on a trip just because I have no money.
A pious woman was possessed by a d**...
She went to her priest, desperate to relieve herself of this burden. After a few silent rituals, she was rid of the d**.... As she was exiting though, the priest extended his hand, signifying he was due payment. The woman replied, "Oh, but father, I have no money!"
She was repossessed.
I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home...
Pointing a knife at me...He asked me "your money or your life!"
I told him I am married...so I have no money and no life...
We hugged and cried together
It was a beautiful moment...
Two Irish friends leave the pub
One says to other, I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.
I know, me too, but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.
We could steal a bus from the depot, replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?
I can't find a No. 91.
Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout!
My mother pushed me to become a chemist, she said i would be rich
now im full of calcium, sulphur and hydrogen, but got no money
State of the world right now!
Young People have Energy and Time...But No Money
Adults have Energy and Money...But No Time
Old People have Time and Money... But No Energy
There were two economists who were shipwrecked on a desert island.
They had no money but over the next three years they made millions of dollars selling their hats to each other.
What do you call an arborist who has no money?
Bur Oak
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? (read - not spam)
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?
Here's an incredibly simple way to do it,
and there is nothing to buy,
no investment to make,
no money to lose!
Try it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
1) Hold down the shift key.
2) Hit the 4 key four times fast.
I just met the most poor guy on this planet
He is the most hated person in his city despite being a nice guy, his boss pays him almost no money, his best friend is a total idiot, the only girl that talks to him lives in her own bubble, and the worst:
He lives in a pineapple under the sea.....
Salesperson at a big furniture store: "You put no money down and make no payments for 12 months!"
Me (nervously): "Who told you about us?"
Why do people keep a picture of their wife and kids in their wallet?
To remind them why there's no money in it
So a French man was diagnosed with lung Cancer and only have 2 months to live.
He didn't want to die leaving his familly with no money, so he decided to rob the federal bank. When he told his friend about his plan, tha latter asked why was he doing something so dangerous for the sake of his familly.
The guy replied ''I've got nothing Toulouse!''
What do you call a piglet with no money
A Por kid
Two friends, after a long time...
I see you have lost weight! What happened?
It's because I signed up for a gym.
So, you make a lot of exercise, right?
No, but I have to pay them so much that I have no money for eating...
A businessman wakes up from a coma
"What happened?" The businessman asks the nurse who was in his room.
"Sir, you have been in a coma ever since the September 1, 1939. Your whole family has been dead for many years, your company has filed for bankruptcy and now you have no money left in the bank"
"Ah, that's okay as long as I can still see my favorite 6 million jews!"
TIFU by going over 88 miles per hour
Now gas is so expensive I have no money to go back.
Why did the beekeeper work so hard?
No Honey, No Money
Sam was a struggling singer
Sam wanted the new iPhone but he had no money for that so samsung
In the USA we use the dollar as money. In Russia,
There is no money.
Rabbis make no money doing circumcisions.
But they do get a lot of tips.
What happens when you rid of ions for no money
It's free of charge
My love life makes a phenomenal car dealership promo
48 months no interest, no money down!
Ideal dream: make love not money
Reality: No money, no honey.
A blonde walked up to a man and said, "Give me your wallet."
The man said, "Okay, but give me the gun."
The blonde gave him the gun and the man gave his wallet.
The man used the gun to steal his wallet back.
The blonde said, "You're an idiot...there's no bullets in the gun."
The man replied, "You're the idiot...here's no money in the wallet."
The perfect gift for somebody who is always complaining that they have no money to buy gifts for all their kids at Christmas...
A box of condoms.
Son and Dad $$$
Son is away for the summer in a camp. He runs out of pocket money so he writes to his dad:
No money
No fun
Your son
Dads response:
How sad
Very bad
Your dad
Why does Sean Connery have no money and a beard?
Because he's no good at shaving.
My girlfriend says I'm an idiot with money.
But I'm tellin' ya, she's wrong! I'm an idiot with no money!
Why does Cuba not have any casinos?
They Havana no money to spend.
What do you call a Jew with no money?
A Liar
Teachers make no money because...
Their job is useless! Haha lol! :(
When I was young, I wanted to grow up to have no money issues
Now that I'm an adult, I have no money *and* issues.
I'll bet I have more money in my pocket than you do.
Of course I do - you have no money in my pocket.
So i went to an shop to buy a vacuum cleaner...
And i looked at the prices, one was $100 the other was $99.
I looked in my pocket and i had $200.
But they were too cheap, so i went to look in a thirft store for something better.
When i got there, one was $130, the other $200 and the other $100.
But those were all used vacuum cleaners, and some of them were in a real bad shape.
So i went into another store, this one was especially fancy.
One was $500 the other was $400, but i had no money for that!
I went home feeling sad and angry for the rest of the day.
But thinking back now, there is no reasom to be sad because of it, they all s**... anyway
I had no money to watch Dunkirk when it came out.
Watched reversed Saving Private Ryan.
There is no money in computers..
...I ripped apart two or three of them and I couldn't find a cent.
A man, who usually gets drunk, walks into a bar...
...and requests the bartender for two beers.
"Can I have 2 beers for the fight" - says the man.
The bartender gives him the beers, and he drinks them.
Here he goes again: "Can I have 2 extra beers for the fight" - he says again.
Again, the confused bartender gives him the beers, and the man again drinks them. But he wants a couple more, so, he goes again:
"Can I have 2 more beers for the fight" - he says, mid drunk.
But the angry bartender can't stand anymore, and says:
"I'm tired. What fight do you want the beers for?"
**"The one that you and me are going to make because I have no money"**
A man rushes into a bar...
... and tells the bartender to quickly give him a shot of the finest whisky. The bartender complies and watches the strange man down it just as soon as it hit the bar.
"Another one! Fast!" the man demanded, and again the bartender complied. After three more rounds, curiosity gets the better of the bartender.
"Why are you downing them so fast? What's your hurry?" asked the bartender.
"If you knew what I had, you'd be in a hurry too!"
"What do you have?" the bartender asked.
The man drank down his last s**... and said, "No money."
Russia joke
Im America you put "In God We Trust" on you're money, But in Russia we have no money!
