No Luck With The Ladies Jokes
9 no luck with the ladies jokes and hilarious no luck with the ladies puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about no luck with the ladies that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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What is a good no luck with the ladies joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
Peeing in the Flowers...
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'"
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
Lazy vultures
Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."
"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"
"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."
The pickup artist
A single guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, despite being known as a pickup artist I haven't had any luck with the ladies lately," he complains to the bartender. "It's probably because you spend all your time over there in a booth drawing pictures of F-150s," the bartender says.
My friends compare my luck with the ladies to Steph Curry...
I ball pretty hard but I still hit 3's like it's going out of style
I was feeling pretty down on my birthday...
... Because I hadn't had any luck with the ladies recently. A friend of mine told me that he could set me up with someone, and I got pretty excited. He showed me a picture, and I got even more excited. Then he told me she wasn't "girlfriend material", but would probably bang me just because it was my birthday.
I told him it's the thot that counts.
Help
Once after a heavy snowfall i was riding with a female co-worker. The roads had not yet been cleared of snow but we pushed ahead regardless, all the cars following in the same ruts. At the intersection the snowplow passed and left a pile of snow in front of us. We blew through it but it stalled the car and we were nit able to clear the intersection. My lady friend got behind the wheel and i went to push, but no luck. I told her to get out and pretend to push. No sooner than she did, no less then six dudes jumped out of their cars to help her
A Chinese man is at a bar
After having a few drinks and loosening up he decides to try at chatting up a cute blonde lady.
He introduces himself and from the start this lady hangs off his every word. She's twirling her hair, shifting in her seat and taking in every word he says.
They spend another hour at the bar before inviting her back to his place. She willingly agrees to come.
The Chinese man can't believe his luck, this chick is a straight 10/10. He takes her home to his apartment, and they get hot 'n heavy while stripping each others clothes off.
All of a sudden the girls face drops and she looks upset.
The Chinese man asks "What's wrong?" to which she responds, "I thought you said you were hung."
"No, I said my name is Hong."
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas.
Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table.
Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The croupier replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!
In hard times, a young woman becomes a p**......
For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.
One cold evening, the brothel that the p**... works in is raided by police. All s**... workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.
As luck would have it, nan was in this bad area in town saw her granddaughter in the queue. She asked "Why are you standing in line here dear, are you not cold?". Trying to think of a good alibi, the grand daughter told her that the policeman were handing out free oranges.
Excited by the prospects of free oranges, the old lady said "Why how awfully nice of them, I might get some myself" and went to the back of the line.
A policeman, going down the line for more information looks very suprised when he comes to the four foot eight female yoda. "Wow, how do you keep at it at your age?".
"Well darling, I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back, and s**... them dry".
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