No Limbs Jokes

134 no limbs jokes and hilarious no limbs puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about no limbs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest No Limbs Short Jokes

Short no limbs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The no limbs humour may include short no limb jokes also.

  1. You are what you think you are Her: What do you do?
    Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
    Her: So you're an artificial limb salesman?
    Me: I prefer 'international arms dealer'.
  2. A guy walked into a prosthetic limbs store. He picked up a false shoulder, arm and wrist.
    The store attendant asked "Would you like a hand with that?"
  3. I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs… If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…
  4. My dad always told me to treat women like flowers. So I tore my girlfriend apart limb by limb to find out whether or not she loved me.
  5. If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants, I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.
  6. I went to the prosthetic limb store to buy some new hands "Two of each hand please." I say to the man at the counter.
    "We're all out of left hands sir." He responds.
    "All right then."
  7. Why did the knight stop fighting after all his limbs had been chopped of? He'd been unarmed and defeated
  8. As an amputee, I asked the doctor how much prosthetic limbs would cost. He said an arm and a leg.
  9. If an octopus is called an octopus because of its eight limbs, what would you call an octopus with only seven limbs? An amputee.
  10. Scientists thought they had found a limb of an ancient hominid... but it was just a fossil arm.

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No Limbs One Liners

Which no limbs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with no limbs? I can suggest the ones about no arms and legs and no arms no legs.

  1. I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I? A liar.
  2. What do you call a kid with an eyepatch and no limbs? Names.
  3. Why are prosthetic limbs so in fashion? Anyone can pull them off
  4. It's not a privilege for bears to have limbs. They have the right to bear arms.
  5. What do you call the deaf man with no limbs? Whatever you want.
  6. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say... "Look how high up in this tree I am".
  7. Why did the Chinese government confiscate all deer legs? Mistook them for moose limbs.
  8. The B in limb is silent Just like the p in bathwater
  9. There's a guy selling prosthetic limbs on my street. He's an arms dealer.
  10. Why did the limb doctor get arrested? Possession of arms
  11. Tree house builders get no respect... I mean they go out on a limb to build these things!
  12. What do you call a lap dance from a girl with 3 or less limbs? Amputease
  13. What do you call a limb that has been transplanted? A hand-me-down.
  14. How to lose a limb in star wars? Be a Jedi and a Skywalker.
  15. What do you call a gang of people paralyzed in all four limbs? Squadriplegic.

No Limbs Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about no limbs you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean no legs no arms jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make no limbs pranks.

A compass „Drinker": loose your limbs, find your North, let us dance!

Do you know what a Timberwolf is? No. Thats a guy that chases a girl up a tree and kisses her inbetween the limbs.

Blonde genies

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it.
Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux k**... outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the k**... are walking away, they remove their hoods.
It's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

What do you call...

What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.

I'm opening a second hand prosthetic limb store

It's going to be called the second hand second hand store.

Bill and Tom are working at the local sawmill.

One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in rehab exercising". Tom couldn't believe it, but there's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. But a couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on the saw again. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies "He's in rehab again, exercising". Sure enough, there's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. Bill comes back to work in two days, fully recovered.
But, within a couple of days he has another accident and this time severs his head. Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down crying and says, "He's dead!" Tom is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in?", sighs Tom. "No," says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

So a man loses an arm and a leg in an accident...

And he's talking to a friend. The friend points out to him an advertisement for incredibly realistic prosthetic limbs.
"Oh boy, those seem great! I can't wait to buy them!" He says, and he goes off to get them. The next day, he's talking to his friend, but he's still missing his limbs! "What happened, I thought you were going to buy them!" His friend said, confused. "Oh, I did," He replied, "But they cost me an arm and a leg."

more dad-jokes (the limb-less edition)

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door?
The neighborhood kids came to Timmy's house and asked if he could come out to play. "Shame on you kids," says Timmy's mom. "Don't you know Timmy doesn't have any arms or legs? He can't play with you."
"But we're playing baseball and we need a home base."

Did you hear the one about the dog with no limbs named joint?

Every morning his owner would take him out for a drag

What do you call someone with a fake limb?

Prosthetically pleasing to the eye.

I have a severe form of sharkallergy

Seriously, guys! Just one bite and i could lose an entire limb.

I was very confused the other dah

I was discussing religion with a man and he claimed to be a "moose limb". Must be some kinda canadian thing I guess.

What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

A fish is any member of a paraphyletic group of organisms that consist of all gill-bearing aquatic craniate animals that lack limbs with digits, and a piano is an instrument.

A dark riddle.

What has four limbs in the morning, two limbs in the afternoon, and is dead by evening?
A disobedient s**....


Ghandi was a mystical prophet of god. He wore no shoes,so he developed many callouses on his feet. He was a fruititarian,eating no protein,so his limbs were very spindly. Also,he never cleaned his teeth,so he was eternally cursed with bad breath. This made him a…"Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis".

I heard about this place that replaces your limbs with prosthetics...

But it'll cost you an arm and a leg!

The downside of robotic limb replacements is that they cost an arm and a leg

The upside of robotic limb replacements is that they cost an arm and a leg

Double limb transplants are so expensive

They cost an arm and leg

Oscar Pistorius

I'm gonna go out on two limbs and say he's guilty

A paraplegic gets hired to play a lead role in a horror film

The Silence of The Limbs

What's missing from star wars 7?

Nobody's limbs.

What do you call a potato with no limbs?

An amputater

What's the difference between a little guy with a p**... o' gold and a big gathering where people's limbs are falling off?

One's a leprechaun and the other's a l**...-con.

Did you hear about the soldier with 8 limbs?

He was army

Why did Gordon Freeman's vehicle dismember the metrocop and pulverize his limbs?

Because he was driving a Combine harvester.

How did the Americans know the latest s**... b**... was perpetrated by a Canadian Islamic extremist?

Because, at the center of the detonation site, they found a moose-limb.

Now that robots move

their limbs smoothly and with grace, i wonder how we're supposed to imitate them on the dance floor?

Why can't Jimmy ride his bike?

Because he has no limbs
Kinda dark, I know. It's just for those out there who would chuckle at this. ;D

Why did the stick bug go to the hospital?

Because he broke a limb!

What do you call a gangster with no limbs?

A crip

I hate how people treat amputees differently.

Just because they're missing a limb or two doesn't make them any less of a person.

Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?

He didn't have a leg to stand on

What's the difference between a motivational speaker and a baseball player?

The baseball player has all of its limbs.

Did you hear about how much those new prosthetic limbs cost?

An arm and a leg.

I tried getting some prosthetic limbs the other day

But they cost an arm and a leg.

What do you call it when a weightloss contest participant loses a limb?


If Anakin lost a limb in II and Luke lost a limb in V, then in VIII

Rey WILL NOT lose a limb, because she already lost a Han.

I have at last fulfilled my dream of becoming arms dealer...

... by selling 3D printed prosthetic limbs for the needy.

What group of limbed people is the worst at karate

The deaf

What do you call a guy with no limbs in a pile of leaves?


After days of refusing, the boy finally worked up the courage to climb a tall tree

He really went out on a limb

So I heard a tree service worker tried to stuff one of his coworkers into a wood chipper....

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he doesn't have a shred of decency .

Why did the far right boycott ice cream?

Because you can't have moose tracks without **moose limbs.**

Did you hear about the Marathon being held in Chernobyl for Victims whose Limbs have been amputated?

They're calling it the Nuclear Arms Race.

I'm starting a clothing company for people missing limbs. The name you ask?


What do you call a meteorologist with all of his limbs broken?

A weather four-caster

A lot of people like to sleep in the fetal position.

I sleep in the aborted fetus position.
Limbs everywhere.

Why is it better to not have limbs or a body during the 100m?

Because you're always ahead.

I have written a couple of academic papers on replacement limbs.

They are my prostheses.

What did the squirrel do to try and impress his date?

He went out on a limb.

So what do you do?

*I sell prosthetic limbs to various countries.*
So you're like a med rep, but for amputees?
*I prefer international arms dealer.*

Im gonna go out on a limb here...

... and say climbing this tree was a bad idea.

What's the greatest thing about having a mute friend with no limbs?

He will never tell my deepest, darkest secrets.

What do you call a car and dog who have just had their limbs hacked off?

My friends asked me to swim in a lake full of piranhas...

I went out on a limb and said it hurt.

Have you heard of this bad doctor?

When people's limbs get cut off he replaces them, but with other animals' limbs.
One of his patients was really angry at this, and decided to call the doctor. After multiple profanities the patient said that if he finds the doctor he will kill him with his bear hands.

Scientists have now made cybernetic limbs available to the public!

Unfortunately, they'll cost you an arm and a leg.

What do you call a bird with no limbs?

A chicken nugget

Actor playing Anakin Skywalker asks, "who's going to be in the scene where I lose all my limbs?"

The director says, "just You an' McGregor."

Centipede is not what it was meant to be

It was supposed to like mammals.
The problem was, when He wrote the specifications, He wrote limb count in binary

I got thrown out of the amputee club for having all of my limbs

In my opinion that was an unfair dismemberment

What do you call it when you fall asleep and wake up without a limb?


As a Satanist, I slice through the bones of superstars' wrists and make off with the limbs...

...after all, the Devil makes work of idol hands

Did you hear about the new store where you can plug in robotic limbs?

It's great even though they charge an arm and a leg.

A man with no limbs tried to break into my house.

It's ok, he wasn't armed.


Doctor: Mr. Franco, I'm sorry to tell you that your leg has developed gangrene, and if we don't amputate immediately, you may die due to infection.
Shall I schedule the surgery?
Mr. Franco: Hmm... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no.