No Emotion Jokes
129 no emotion jokes and hilarious no emotion puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about no emotion that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest No Emotion Short Jokes
Short no emotion jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The no emotion humour may include short emotions jokes also.
- The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused mark zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
- I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend. It was so emotional.
Even the cake was in tiers. - I OBJECT! the defendant screams in court. The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, No…you human.
- The last wedding I was at was very emotional. Everybody was crying, the Bride and Groom, the whole reception, the priest..
Even the massive cake was in tiers.. - What do you call a 70 year old man trapped in the emotional state of a 14 year old girl? Mr. President.
- I told my suitcases that there will be no holiday this year.... I am now dealing with emotional baggage.
- What do you call mixed emotions? Watching your mother-in-law reverse off a cliff in your brand new car
- life is like a box of chocolates.... it is destroyed remarkably fast by an emotional woman.
- I just told my suitcases we aren't going on vacation this year Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage
- There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true! I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!
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No Emotion One Liners
Which no emotion one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with no emotion? I can suggest the ones about apathy and no soul.
- It was such an emotional wedding... Even the cake was in tiers.
- Newton's third law of Emotion. For every male action, there is a female overreaction.
- What do you call the unit that measures emotions? A sentimetre.
- I just got back from a very emotional wedding Even the cake was in tiers.
- What's a women's favorite thing to play with? My emotions.
- I went to a very emotional wedding last weekend. Even the cake was in tiers.
- I sold my emotions the other day... Not really sure how I feel about it.
- Why isn't six afraid of seven? Numbers don't have emotions
- Why are exclamation points always so emotional? Because they are always on their period.
- The definition of mixed emotions... My mother-in-law driving of a cliff in my new car
- People always cry when cutting onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
- How does a cake show emotions? It tiers up.
(My cake day ends in 2 minutes.. I forgot) - I was at an emotional wedding, the cake was in tiers.
- If I had no emotions, I don't know how I'd feel about it.
- What emotion does a tree feel every spring? Relief
No Emotion Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about no emotion you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sadness jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make no emotion pranks.
Where do you put your emotional baggage?
A griefcase
My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.
Can't say that I'm surprised.
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
After a hard and long night's wait, he finally broke down to his knees and began to cry "It's a boy! it's a boy!"
..he was too emotionally drained to leave the Thai brothel.
A guy found his dog lying in a puddle of blood behind his house
He rang the number for the emergency animal rescue.
'Is it moving?' they asked.
'Yes', he replied. 'It's quite emotional.'
How does a Scotsman find a sheep in the tall grass?
Very satisfying.
Retweaked joke:
How does a (insert nationality here) find a sheep in the tall grass?
Very (insert extremely lustful emotion here)!
The Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
The guys go to the f**... of their life-long pal...
After a long eulogy and some beautiful music, the guys are overcome with emotion. The first guy walks up to the casket of his buddy.
"I know it's just a small token, but for everything you've ever done for me, buddy, all the times you helped me out. This is the least I could do."
He tucks a $50 bill into his buddy's tuxedo pocket, and he staggers away sobbing.
The second man, inspired by the gesture, walks up and places his own $50 bill in his buddy's pocket. "For all the beers you bought me, that I never had a chance to pay you back for." And he staggers away sobbing.
The third man, a lawyer, not to be out-done, says, "I know it's just a small gesture, but for all the times you've been there for me when I needed you, here's a token of my gratitude."
And he writes a check for $150, and takes the two fifties in change.
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...
and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane c**... early this morning.
Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.
Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"
Newtons 3rd law of emotion
Newton's 3rd law of emotion is, for every male action there is a crazy àss female overreaction.
Did you know that beer contains female hormones?
It's true. You drink too much you get fat, get emotional, talk too much, cry, and you can't drive a car.
All apologies to the fairer s**....
Grammar tip
Farther = physical distance
Further = metaphorical distance
Father = emotional distance
vintage Bush joke
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
LPT: A lot of people cry when they chop onions,
the trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Yo momma so fat,
...she can't even be emotionally carried away.
An aspiring writer once said, I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!
He now writes error messages for the Microsoft Corporation.
George bush was attending a morning press conference...
Donald rumsfeld read the daily briefings aloud
"This morning, 3 Brazilian soilders were killed"
"OH MY GOD THATS TERRIBLE" Screamed the president
The room went silent, everyone was stunned by the presidents emotional outburst.
A moment passed when George asked in a quiet Texas tone "how many is three brazillion?"
Some nice pair of legs
A group of girls walked by and I jokingly said to my girl "bet you wish you had a pair of legs like that" and she started crying. Smh girls are so emotional so I wheeled her back to the car.
I gave an emotional speech at a Visine convention...
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
What's the most emotional computer you can buy?
A Dell.
People who use drugs are pathetic. I'm high on life!
Side effects of life are include depression, anxiety, pain both emotional and physical, shortness of breath, physical and mental deterioration, weariness, sleepiness, insomnia, thought of s**..., and misery. Prolonged use may result in death.
People need to stop acting like animals have the same emotions as humans...
...they hate it when we do that.
My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions
Not quite sure how I feel about it
I got emotional because it's my cake day today
Even the cake is in tiers
I think my cat is using me for my money
I mean the s**... is great, but I just don't feel an emotional connection.
"I've been in 3 emotionally abusive relationships"
Said Dave to his new friend.
"I'm so sorry!"
"Huh. I had them thinking it was their fault as well"
I got a 54% on my emotional intelligence test.....
I'm not sure how I feel about it.
Most people don't enjoy puns. Wordplay almost feels like an emotional knife stab to them. But at least they appreciate my humour when I get home
It just goes to show you, the only good pun is a dad pun
My girlfriend just emailed me a photo of us on our first date together. It's a very treasured memory for me. Problem is, the file wont open on my computer.
I guess I have emotional attachment issues.
I run a rehabilitation program where we get prison inmates to write poetry to help them cope with their emotions.
I call it:
Prose and Cons
Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom one morning with a note on his bed reading I can't take the critism anymore.
She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said emotionally my dear…that's NOT how you spell criticism!
I got really emotional at the petrol station earlier.
I don't know what came over me, I just started filling up.
I dated a dwarf for a while until she broke up with me, it tore me apart emotionally
I was nuts over her.
My wife and I get into an argument, because she thinks I'm emotionally manipulative.
Everything is fine now. I make her realized how wrong she was and I forgave her.
An emotionally unstable man walks into a 7-11
He browses the candy section and decides to buy a Snickers bar. His total is $1.29. He pays with a $20 bill and tells the cashier to keep whatever is leftover.
"Are you sure?" The cashier says.
"I don't like change." the man replies.
What does Harry Potter play with when he's bored?
Ginny Weasley's emotions.
I got a bald person hair gel for Christmas.
She immediately started crying when she opened it. I guess the chemo makes her emotional.
Found a surprisingly emotional pornographic film today.
It was a real tear jerker!
My ex told me we broke up because I'm too reliant on logic and refuse to acknowledge my emotions.
I told her, correlation is not causation.
My Wife and I Have...
Been trying to get pregnant for some time now. It's been a very emotional and trying experience. I however I got some good news recently, it seems the problem wasn't on my side. My sister-in-law just told me she was pregnant.
A professor asked one of his automotive students if he knew what the definition of "mixed emotions" was...
The student said "watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new Cadillac."
The most difficult, complex, confusing, controversial, enraging, emotional, and thought provoking question of the 21st century....
Are you male or female?
My wife left me, saying I wasn't emotional enough
I don't know how to feel about that
Mixed emotions: watching a bus full of lawyers plunge off a cliff...
... with five empty seats.
The emotional story of a dog's death:
Heartworming
Therapist: Did you know that you have an inability to verbally express your emotions?
Me: Can't say that I'm surprised.
Therapist: Exactly.
The Secretary of Defense sits in the Oval Office briefing Bush on Iraq...
"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!" His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.
Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Had a tricky and emotional chat with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of "Boo hoo, nobody picks me for teams" and "I haven't got any friends".
Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some tips for being more sociable.
What do you call an overly emotional tree with a speech impediment?
Twee
As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"
It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.
When asked if they were emotionally disgruntled by Trump's wall, Mexicans responded..
'Meh, we'll get over it.
A husband and wife are trying to have a baby
After many attempts and what seems like an endless number of trips to the doctor and fertility clinic they meet with the doctor who tells them, "I do not think you will be able to have children."
The wife is overcome with emotion and her husband consoles her saying, "Inconceivable."
The doctor replies,"I don't think that word means what you think it means."
A man is asked to speak at his best friend's f**....
He walks up to the front of the church and stands in front of the casket. Overcome with emotion, he pauses, and then says, "Plethora . . . plethora." After that he goes back into the pews and sits next to the deceased man's widow. She leans over and says to the guy, "Thanks. That means a lot."
My therapist says I have a hard time expressing my emotions,
I can't say I'm surprised.
Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: ''Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.'' ''Oh no!'' President Trump exclaims. ''That's terrible!'' His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ''How many is a brazillion?''
Had a conversation with my suitcase about not going on holiday this year
Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage
I just told my luggage there will be no vacations this year.
Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
I found out today that I have an identical twin brother. I got very emotional when we finally met.
I was beside myself.
As expected, my therapist told me that I find it impossible to verbalize my emotions.
Can't say I'm surprised.
Drinking alcohol slowly turned me into an emotional mess.
So I started drinking it faster.
My wife emailed me our wedding photos but I couldn't open any of the files.
I have serious trouble with emotional attachments.
Dear people, don't carry your emotional baggage with you
Use your grief-case