no chance Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious no chance puns

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn't stand a chance…

👍🏼

I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?

She said - why would we choose you..

👍🏼

I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

👍🏼

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper...

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

👍🏼

Alligators can live up to 100 years...

Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

👍🏼

An English man, Welsh man and a Indian man walk are in a maternity hospital.

The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh."

👍🏼

Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven.

Now that they have the chance to ask any question of God, one of them asks "Who was REALLY responsible for 9/11?". God responds "A group of Al-Qaeda terrorists led by Osama Bin Laden and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed."

The conspiracy theorist gulps and turns to his friend. "Fuck. This goes even higher up than we thought."

👍🏼

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

👍🏼

Picked up a hitchhiker last night

He said thanks! how do you know i'm not a serial killer though?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical

👍🏼

Saw my ex...

On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.

👍🏼

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."

👍🏼

I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

👍🏼

A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid

so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".

👍🏼

A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy.

While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: Do penguins grow this big?

I should think so, the barman replies.

The man raises his hand. How about this big?

Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I'm not sure . . .

The man holds his hand at shoulder level: This big?

Not a cat in hell's chance.

The man knocks back his drink in one. Hell. I just ran over a nun.

👍🏼

I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags

Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance

👍🏼

I walked in on my son trying to suck his own penis.

He jumped up, "Dad! It's not what it looks like!"

"Don't worry, son." I replied. "I've tried too."

He said, "Really?"

I said, "Yeah. But you woke up before I had the chance."

👍🏼

My mate picks up women by pretending to be gay

He says it lures them into a false sense of security and when their guard drops he sleeps with them.

I thought that it couldn't reallly hurt my chances just to try.

3 years later, Mark and I now own a house together, 2 turtles, 3 fish and we are scheduled to be married next week. Still no sign of getting any pussy though.

Maybe this strategy isn't for me...

👍🏼

Intelligence is the first thing I look for in woman..

Because if she doesn't have THAT, I may just have a chance.

👍🏼

Video games let you live out your wildest fantasies.

For example sims gives you the chance to have a stable job and own your own home

👍🏼

Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."

The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".

👍🏼

I asked my daughter to bring me my newspaper

She told me that newspapers are oldschool. She said me that people nowadays use tablets and handed me her iPad

That fly didn't stand a chance

👍🏼

Tom went to the Police Station

Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

You'll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.

No, no no! said Tom. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!

👍🏼

Studies find if a woman has a glass of wine a day increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her have more she might suck it too.

👍🏼

A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...

He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.

👍🏼

Vaccinated kids are more likely to develop autism

The unvaccinated die before they get the chance

👍🏼

Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight...

So as an adult, I had to step in.

They didn't stand a chance.

👍🏼

Vaccinated children have a higher chance of getting autism.

After all, you have to be alive to get autism.

👍🏼

I saw two kids fighting in the elementary school playground this morning. Being the only adult around, I had to step in.

They did not stand a chance.

👍🏼

Saw a group of 4 guys beating up an old guy earlier and decided to step in

He never stood a chance against 5 of us

👍🏼

My mother in law bought a talking parrot, but returned it a week later.

"This parrot hasn't spoke a single word." She complained.

"I haven't had a fucking chance to!" Replied the parrot.

👍🏼

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

1 in 3,000,000 have a chance of becoming a human being.

👍🏼

What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?

They each have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

👍🏼

To avoid risk of suffocation, keep plastic bags away from children.

...the little shits will murder you in your sleep given half a chance.

👍🏼

Tornado warnings are active for Cleveland, Ohio.

Residents are invited to seek shelter in Cleveland Browns Stadium where there is no chance of a touchdown.

👍🏼

Saw my ex-gf being beaten up by 4 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help..

She didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us

👍🏼

What are the most funny No Chance jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about No Chance? Well, here are the best No Chance dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and No Chance pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes