No Chance Jokes
46 no chance jokes and hilarious no chance puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about no chance that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest No Chance Short Jokes
Short no chance jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The no chance humour may include short chance jokes also.
- In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad I guess it will be 5050
- Alligators can live up to 100 years... Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.
- LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don't date a soccer player. There's only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.
- king Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records: The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.
- I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper... She told me that newspaper are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn't stand a chance. - Saw my ex... On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
- I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out. He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.
- Intelligence is the first thing I look for in woman.. Because if she doesn't have THAT, I may just have a chance.
- Video games let you live out your wildest fantasies. For example sims gives you the chance to have a stable job and own your own home
- What's the difference between a woman and a computer? There is a chance my computer will go down on me.
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No Chance One Liners
Which no chance one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with no chance? I can suggest the ones about impossible and possibility.
- Trump still has a chance at 270 All he has to do is lose 50lbs.
- I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ? She said - why would we choose you..
- I'd never let my daughter date a soccer player There is a 1/11 chance he's a keeper
- Cremation My last chance at a smoking hot body
- I just found a monopoly set without instructions. What are the chances?
- I was given a single chance to fix an abacus I better make it count
- Why did Leonardo DiCaprio visit Sesame Street? It was his only chance to see an Oscar
- Two statisticians walk into a bar... What are the chances of that?
- Why did God create man first? To give him a chance to speak...
- Pickup line: If I flip a coin.... What are the chances of me getting head? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
- A base-12 number system is good in theory but it dozen stand a chance in practice.
- Why did the kid only water half the lawn? Because there was a 50% chance of rain
- My crush is like a coin Lots of tail, and 50% chance of getting head
- Why did John Lennon become a vegetarian? He wanted to give peas a chance.
- Fun Fact If your parents never had children, chances are that neither will you.
Hilarious No Chance Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about no chance you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean no way jose jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make no chance pranks.
Tornado warnings are active for Cleveland, Ohio.
Residents are invited to seek shelter in Cleveland Browns Stadium where there is no chance of a touchdown.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yesterday I saw some kid getting g**... up behind the school by 4 other kids.
As a senior, I have experienced bullying myself so I immediately jump in.
That kid got no chance against 4 of us.
I finally crossed running a marathon off my bucket list
No chance I was ever going to do it, glad it's gone.
Tornado warning in Texas...
Everyone evacuate to the Cowboys stadium!
No chance of a touchdown there
Bill Clinton said Hillary is clearly the best choice for president...
He knows for a fact there is no chance she'll blow it.
A man knocked on Mrs Smith's door.
"I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident at the brewery," he said.
"Your husband fell into a giant vat of beer and drowned."
Mrs Smith started crying. "Oh poor thing, he had no chance!"
"I don't know about that," the man replied. "He got out three times to use the toilet."
A guy enters in a bar, angry af, with an assault rifle.
The whole place goes silent as he slams the door.
Angry guy : Who in here slept with my wife?!?
Some random guy at the back of the bar starts to laugh.
Angry guy : What's so funny?!?
Random guy : No chance you have enough bullets in that gun !
The lawyer called his client overseas...
..."Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep and I can't reach any other relatives. Shall we order burial or cremation?"
Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both."
A guy enters in a bar...
A angry guy enters in a bar with an assault rifle in his hands. When they saw him, every customers went silent in fear. The angry guy screamed : " where is the guy that slept with me wife?!? " Every customer stared at each other, then started laughing. "What's so funny?", asked the one holding the gun. A customer at the back of the back then yelled : "No chances you have enough ammo in there! "
I once had a dream that I was ugly and had no chance of getting a girlfriend,
I still haven't woken up!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm an Anti-vax and I don't care what you think.
I'm sick and tired of seeing people who are anti-vax getting bullied on social media. We have good reasons to feel this way and simply bad mouthing us or attacking us is not going to change our mind. We will not be silenced.
I for sure will never have one again. No chance, no matter what you say to convince me. I've been s**... into that trap before!
They are absolutely the worst brand of vacuum cleaner. Dyson all the way for me!
Socks and sandals are like condoms
There is almost no chance of getting a girl pregnant
I managed to survive a 1v5
The guy had no chance with the 5 of us
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Her: I want to be safe so you have to wear a c**...
Him: Don't worry, I'm a Broward County Sheriff Deputy so there's no chance I'll come inside.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my men how I like my prison sentence...
Long and hard, with no chance of an early release.
Crew (Titanic) : We've been hit by an iceberg. The damages are irrecoverable. We've got no chance, sir.
Captain Smith : Wait, let that sink in...
Why does the prosecutor only choose jurors who drive Hummers?
So that there's no chance of a hung jury
I love racing horses
even though i have no chance of beating them
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't like the look of those stock options, j**....
Vegetable or beef for a chicken casserole, no chance!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do modern universities and Cersei's w**... have in common?
kids coming out of them have no chance at reaching adulthood.
If we want to help fix our economy we should elect Tom Brady
There'll be no chance of inflation
Chuck Norris’ PC doesn’t have a Recycle bin – because when Chuck Norris deletes something, there’s no chance of it coming back.
I saw an old man being attacked by 3 men on the street.I went over to help..
With the 4 of us he stood absolutely no chance.
I want to be an astronaut
- I thought they didn't send monkeys to space anymore?
- Exactly, so no chance of a visit from you then!
There's no chance Roy Moore wins his Senate race
Three men, a Republican, a Brit and a Jamaican
all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however, unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Brit wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Jamaican looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Brit, "but one of them in there's a Republican, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"
When I go out with a girl I always look in her eyes
If she is not blind, I already know that I have no chance with her.
Women
If a girl has 5 oranges in one hand, and 5 apples in the other, what does she have?
No chance of stopping an uppercut.
There is no chance yet of WW3. Why you ask?
Because Austria hasn't started it yet.
Timbuktu
From my 80 year old Granddad:
Two finalists in a contest, One a college grad and one a high school drop out, were to write a poem in 3 minutes. The only requirement was that it ended in "Timbuktu". The college grad wrote his and told it to the judges;
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.
The judges were very surprised and pleased with the poem, thinking that the drop out had no chance of beating that one.
The dropout then told his poem
Me and Tim a hunting went,
Met three girls in a tent.
Sunrise came, mornin' dew,
I bucked one and Timbuktu.
He won the contest.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man named Martin is lost in the desert and came upon an oasis.
Upon stumbling into camp and drinking hastily from the well, the sheik of the oasis steps out of the largest tent and orders his guards to arrest him. The sheik explains that Martin has drunk from the precious little water left to the oasis and can either fight to the death with the sheik or dig and dig in the hot desert with no water till he finds another well. Martin, figuring he has no chance of surviving the digging, takes on the sheik.
The sheik, an expert fighter, pities him and offers him a shot of v**... to calm his nerves before facing his death. Martin, in his drunken stupor, takes up the sheik's sword and lops the sheik's head off with no warning. The whole oasis cries out in joy at the death of the tyrannical sheik and informs him that now he had become sheik himself, but Martin had already dozed off and not heard any of it, so they left him alone till he came to.
And on that day, the v**...'d Martin, he was sheik and not stirred.
