No Bonus Jokes
105 no bonus jokes and hilarious no bonus puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about no bonus that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest No Bonus Short Jokes
Short no bonus jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The no bonus humour may include short bonus jokes also.
- I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs.
Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need. - My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game" Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
- I asked a couple of my gay friends what does LBGTQ mean? I couldn't get a straight answer…
Bonus joke:
How does a non-binary samurai kill people?
They/Them
(They slash them) - Q: What's green, has six legs, and if it drops out of a tree onto you will kill you? A: A pool table.
Bonus Joke!!!
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Doesn't matter, he won't come. - What's the difference between cake and pie? πr^2, cake are round
Bonus:
What do jokesters eat for breakfast?
Pun-cakes. - What do you call someone who hangs around with four musicians? A drummer.
[Bonus]
How do you get the guitarist off your porch? Pay him for the pizza. - I was dating a midget but it didn't work out. My parents and friends looked down on her.
Bonus: It was a short relationship. - How do you make a Swiss Roll? Push him down a hill.
BONUS: How do you make French Wine?
Invade. - Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client. Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses.
Free accommodation.
10 weeks paid leave per year.
Company car.
Generous pension scheme.
You know where to apply. - Who's the coolest guy at the hospital? - The Ultra Sound guy
*Bonus*
Who covers for him when he isn't there?
- The Hip Replacement guy
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No Bonus One Liners
Which no bonus one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with no bonus? I can suggest the ones about no entry and no soul.
- Why did the crematorium operator get a $500 bonus? Because he'd urn-ed it.
- Turning back the clock an hour in 2020 Is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.
- Executioner deserves a bonus... He's been killing it.
- The bonus of simple origami is twofold.
- What do you call the deaf woman that your wife invited for a three sum? A signing bonus
- What do you call a married knot? Monotonous.
Bonus answer from my wife: a noose. - I thought it was good to get a bonus. It s**... getting a bonus chromosome.
No Bonus Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about no bonus you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean neutral jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make no bonus pranks.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
"Is it worth any bonus marks?"
PLEASE HELP! i need some shoe related jokes.
yes that's right. if anyone can give me some jokes related to shoes it would be greatly appreciated. would be an added bonus if they could somehow be related to exercise as well.
thanks in advance
lots of love from dwek
A few of my favorites.
Have you ever seen an elephant hide on a tree?
-No.
They hide pretty well, don't they?
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
If they had four doors, they'd be a chicken sedan.
An atom walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I've lost an electron!" The bartender replies, "Are you sure?" The atom responds, "Yes! I'm positive!"
Bonus: It is well known that irradiated cats have 18 half-lives.
Retirement bonus
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,'From the tip of my w**... to my t**....' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to
go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's w**... and began to work back.
"Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your t**...?''
The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.
Real Money
Once a Boss said to his subordinate: "You have always wanted a bonus so I will give you $1,000,000i^2."
The Subordinate: "Sir I can this amount only on the Argand Plane."
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip...
... they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.
The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.
Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
SOURCE: One of about three jokes the PhD students from the computational mathematics and statistics know.
-------
Bonus: i**... is a family-wise error.
A bus full of ugly people get into a car c**.....
causing everyone on the bus to die
Because everyone on the bus had done nothing wrong in their life, god decided they would be allowed into heaven. As a bonus, he would give them all one free wish
As the first of the really ugly people entered heaven, god had asked what his wish was. After thinking for a moment about what he wanted most, he told god be wished to look beautiful. God had made his wish come true and he was an incredible sight to look at. He had never been so happy in his life.
Inspired by his success everyone else started following his lead and made the same wish. Everyone was celebrating as they entered heaven looking beautiful after being made fun of for all their lives.
When the last person in line had arrived, he had walked in laughing. God asked him why he was laughing and what his wish would be.
With a smile on his face, the last man had said "I wish they were all ugly again."
An orphan had a rough year...
He had been adopted three times. The first family had a dog that the boy loved, but the father beat the dog daily. The boy reported the family, and he returned to the foster home. The second family had a loving mother that took care of the boy, but the father beat his wife daily. The boy reported the father, and the mother was forced to return the boy to the foster home. The third family seemed very nice at first, but when the father got drunk, he beat the boy. Yet again, the boy reported the father, and returned to the foster home. At this point, the boy was feeling like he would never find a home he could stay in. But a local judge, hearing his story, wanted to give the boy a Christmas present. He visited the boy, and asked what he wanted for Christmas. The boy said, "I want to be adopted by the Houston Texans." Confused, the judge asks the boy why he would want to be adopted by a sports team. The boy smiles and yells, "Cause they don't beat anybody."
[Insert the listener's favorite sports team for bonus laughs]
Have you guys heard the secret about butter?
I don't want to tell you because you might spread it around...
BONUS:
What concert is cheaper than 50 cents to attend?
50 Cent feat. Nickelback
*BUHDUMCHHH*
Show me your weirdest gif
I want to laugh. Bonus points for ones that I've never seen before
A property developer and a building contractor are standing on a construction site...
It's getting late and the developer wants the contractor to stay and finish the work. The discussion starts getting a little heated. The contractor says, "You know, when I was working for Donald Trump, he would put $10 000 on the table as a bonus and we would work through the night and get the job done. Why don't you do that?" The developer glances across the construction site and says, "Well, we don't have a table".
Saw others translating Russian and Romanian jokes and thought I'd share two Hungarian ones (but be warned, Hungarian humor is terrible)
György had a headache and asked his friend for advice, and his friend said he could cure the headache by hammering a nail into the place it hurt. So he lined up the nail and was getting ready to hit when he saw György cringing. "What are you scared of?" the friend asked, and György replied, "I'm scared that you'll miss!"
---------------
A man says to a woman, "I wish you would bring your smile over to my place."
The woman replies, "Aren't you a ladies' man!"
And the man replies, "No, I'm a dentist."
---------------
Still reading? You're crazy! Okay, here's a "bonus" one.
An electrician enters the room in the hospital where they keep the patients on life support and he calls out, "Take a deep breath, everyone! I need to change a fuse!"
Topical Jokes for 10/9
(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)
In Indiana, a pizza delivery man received a $1,200 tip from college students. College officials applauded the act of charity, until they realized the pizza was just a box with $1,200 dollars worth of w**... in it.
To thwart corruption, traffic police in Thailand will now receive a bonus if they refuse bribes. The plan affects all levels of Thailand police, from the street-level Bribe Solicitor, to Director of Bribes, all the way up to Bribe King.
…the anti-corruption program will be funded by confiscated bribes.
Lawmakers have approved $700 million dollars to help fight Ebola. The lawmakers announced the news from inside their $700 million dollar Ebola-proof bunker.
In North Korea, Kim Jong-Un has not made a public appearance for several weeks. Kim's unexplained absence has sparked rumors in the state-run media that everything is totally fine.
Why does Santa have no children?
Because he only comes once a year.
Bonus! Why did Santa's wife divorce him?
She wasn't the only one receiving his "package".
A gynecologist decides to make a career change...
He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."
The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.
He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.
After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.
"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"
"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"
"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"
"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"
"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"
What do you call a l**... in a jacuzzi?
Stew.
Bonus: what do you do if an epileptic jumps into a jacuzzi? You throw in your laundry.
How many guitarists are needed to change a light bulb?
Five: one to change the bulb and the other four to tell him how Eric Clapton would do it.
Bonus: How many bass players are needed to change a light bulb?
Nobody cares
I'm so lucky to get gift cards by just few taps! Wanna be lucky too? Use my referral code: f35ccf7 to get 20 bonus coins.
What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs?
Cuntswaylow
Bonus: what do you call an Asian woman with no legs?
Dragon lips
Girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!"
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points,a bonus chance and she has to wear the hat that looks like a colander til she rolls a double 6.
CHRISTMAS BONUS
Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?
Secretary: My lawyer.
I recently got a device that can remotely slow down any car
And as an added bonus it shows me what speed they're going at too!
Horrible animal jokes inside.
How do you get a dog to sound like a cat? Stick it in the freezer for a few hours, then run it through a bandsaw and it goes "MRRREEOOW".
BONUS JOKE: How do you get a cat to sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it and light it up and it goes "WHOOF".
My Chem professor said he'd give bonus points for the most original chemistry joke on the final, hit me with your best shot!
Why can't dwarfs sing?
Because they can't reach the high notes.
Bonus: how does dwarves communicate?
Smalltalk.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?
"Robin, let's get in the Batmobile."
Bonus joke:
What did one orphan say to the other orphan as they got into their car?
"Robin, let's get in the Batmobile."
What did Spock find in the toilet of the USS Enterprise?
**The Captain's log.**
-
Bonus Trekkie Joke:
*Why is Star Trek like the toilet paper in there?*
... because it keeps searching Uranus for Klingons.
A gynecologist has a midlife crisis and takes night classes to become a mechanic...
She's really nervous the night of the final, so she studies real hard and hopes for the best.
When the grades are posted, she freaks out because her grade says 150% and she assumes it was an error, so she goes to see the instructor.
He explains it's no error.
"You took apart the engine perfectly, every nut, every bolt. You pulled it all apart without breaking anything. That got you 50%
Then you put it all back together perfectly. It actually ran better than before you started, so I gave you 50% for that.
You got a bonus 50% for doing it all through the muffler."
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
Whole joke in title! New era of convenience! In mother Russia, joke laughs at you!
***Bonus***, since you came in here anyway:
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
I tried being a barber for a while but I just couldn't cut it.
Bonus joke:
Had to buy a stepladder the other day, I never knew my real ladder.
What does an actor eat for breakfast?
Prop tarts.
Bonus: What does an actor eat for a snack?
A: Prop corn.
Why do Dutch people have big noses?
Because air is free.
### Bonus joke:
* How was copper wire invented?
Two Dutchmen found a penny at the same time.
Why is Ubisoft the worst gaming company in France?
Punchline only included in the season pass! Preorder now and get one of 26 randomly chosen bonus characters! 27th character included in Spanish version only.
What did King Arthur say when asked about Lancelot's betrayal?
"I don't want to talk about it, I've had a bad knight."
Bonus joke:
Why should you hire submariners?
They have experience working under pressure.
If I had a million dollars, I'd probably pay your mom to have s**... with me...
Then I'd invest the other 999,990 dollars.
(Bonus points if you know where this is from.)
OB/GYN gets fired
OB/GYN doctor gets fired. And he is looking for a job and get an interview at a car repair shop. And the managers says
"If you take the carburator apart you get 2 points and if you put it back you get 5 points and if it works after that you get 3 point.But I'll only hire you if you get all 10 points"
"Ok" says the doctor.
After about 15 minutes he's finished and talks to the manager.
"Wow nice job, you get 10 points and 5 bonus points"
"Why the bonus points?"
"Because I've never seen anyone do that thru the exhaust"
Why doesn't Popeye need l**...?
Because he has Olive Oyl..
Bonus:
What does Popeye do to keep his favourite tool from rusting?
He sticks it in Olive Oyl.
What do you call a religious door-to-door salesman?
A zeal-ot.
(bonus points if this made you think of the Halo games)
What's the difference between your bonus and your di*k?
You don't have to beg a woman to
blow your bonus.
How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, it's already LIT!
(Bonus:
-What do you call a s**... who recently broke up with his girlfriend?
-Homeless)
How do you kill a cat with 16 lives?
You run it over with a 4x4.
Bonus joke.
How do you kill a cat with 8 lives at home depot?
You hit it with a 2x4
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job still s**...
Bonus by u/lucth At my job, I can't park in the rear
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
Bonus: by u/kismetpink They're straight until I get them wet
Bonus by u/Shaded_Trees: They both go limp after being warmed up
24 was giving holiday bonuses...
One got their bonus; two got theirs; three got one; four got one; five was ready to receive but didn't get anything; six got a bonus...five looks at 24 and says "what's up?" 24 tells five that it wasn't a factor.
How many investment bankers does it take to screw the economy?
Just one if the bonus is big enough.
A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"
"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."
What did the Italian barista say when he received a new car for his christmas bonus?
It's a merry car, no?
I asked a girl in marching band what cup size she had
She said she was a C, but since it was cold I guess she was a C#.
Bonus Round:
She pulled it out of her t**... and said about 6 inches.
Why does Jupiter have farts?
Because it's a gas giant.
Courtesy of my 6 year old.
Bonus: Uranus made jupiter.
With this new Space Force being stood up...
I've already been hearing that enlistment bonuses are going to be astronomical.
Trump is breathing a sigh of relief today...
He just aced his performance review and probably got another bonus.
What's the difference between a k**... person and a pervert?
A k**... person uses a feather. A Pervert uses the whole chicken.
Bonus:: Why did the pervert cross the road? He was stuck to the chicken.
What do you call a farm in Wales?
A brothel
Bonus:
What do you call a welsh sheepdog?
A p**....
"Just the bonuses for the CEO's on Wall Street equals the amount of what half of all American's make on minimum wage in a year" : New York Times
But we have a national holiday today called Labor Day
Why did the Spanish guy never find a job satisfying?
Everything he did felt like Manuel Labour.
Bonus alt: He was always felt like the Manuel Juan.
What do you call a girl with only one leg?
Eileen!
Bonus joke: what do you call an Asian girl with one leg? Irene.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
Bonus: Also, how do you circumcise a red neck?
Kick his sister in the jaw
I got a surprisingly big bonus from selling a hotel in Madrid
Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Commission
Why did Santa's little helpers spend their holiday bonus so quickly?
They have little elf control
What did the Pirate say to the p**... flying the plane?
Land, h**...!
Bonus joke:
Why was the p**... flying the plane?
The pilot asked her to take control.
How does Chris Hemsworth feel after a workout?
Thor
Bonus joke.
How does Tom Hiddleston walk around in public?
Loki
I'll see myself out.
What did the Nintendo Wii do when he stopped working?
Wii-tired
bonus: In Wii-sconsin
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
Bonus: Where does h**... keep his armies? Poland...
I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.
Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.
Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."
An OBGYN got tired of her career and decided to train to become a mechanic.
Her final exam was taking apart a car engine and putting it back together. When she finished, the instructor announced that she scored a 150 on the exam even though it was only out of 100. When she asked how she scored so high, the instructor explained that she got the full 100 points for her work on the engine, but he decided to throw in an additional 50 bonus points since she did the entire procedure through the muffler.
You walk into a bar and see Rick Astley sitting alone
You sit next to him and start talking
Eventually, the conversation leads to talk of your favorite Pixar movies
Rick tells you that his favorite of all time is Up, he even owns a physical copy of the movie with bonus features
You say that you've always wanted to see it but never have
He says it's a great movie, you have to see it
Nervously, you ask Rick if you can borrow his copy of the movie
He says no
He's never gonna give you up
In doing so, he has let you down
*This is the Astley paradox*
What's the difference between an o**... and a r**... thermometer?
The taste.
(My dad loves this joke. He loves jokes that are slightly dirty and involve doctors, nurses, nuns or priests. Anyone got any more?)
Bonus joke:
A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, "Sister, have you got a pen?"
The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer. "Oh no," she says, "some a**...'s got my pen."
Why did the music conductor get arrested?
For misconduct.
Bonus - why did the violinist get arrested?
For violence.