No Arms Jokes
149 no arms jokes and hilarious no arms puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about no arms that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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- Short No Arms Jokes
- No Arms One Liners
- No Legs No Arms Jokes
- No Arms No Legs Jokes
- No Arms And Legs Jokes
- Sally No Arms Jokes
- More No Arms Jokes
Funniest No Arms Short Jokes
Short no arms jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The no arms humour may include short jokes also.
- The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day! - The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife Thanks, Mom! Happy Mothers' Day!
- My husband said our infant son could microwave... And then shook his arm really fast.
(True story, please groan with me.) - The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife Happy Mother's Day!
- Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim. Within arm's length, to be specific.
- Where did sally go when the bomb went off? - everywhere.
Why did sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms..
Knock knock..
Whose there?
-not sally. - A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms." - My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a greek statue... Completely pale, no arms.
- Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off? He's dead.
- A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."
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No Arms One Liners
Which no arms one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with no arms? I can suggest the ones about and .
- If We're Going to Arm the Teachers All I ask is that the librarians get silencers
- Why did eminem kneel at the half time show? His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.
- I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex He's a small arms dealer.
- I just flew in from Chernobyl And boy are my arms leg.
- What did the boy with no arms get for his birthday ? Don't know he hasn't opened it yet
- EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy WEB MD: Cancer.
- I have a T-Rex who sells me guns. He's a small arms dealer.
- A judge asked a wife why she stabbed her husband 75 times. She said her arm got tired.
- What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A pitbull coming from the childrens play ground
- What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's lost at sea? Bob.
- What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.
- What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A happy pitbull
- I just flew in from a Ravioli convention. Boyardees arms tired.
- T-Shirt is actually short for Tyrannosaurus Shirt... Because of the short arms
- What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate? a Partial artist
No Legs No Arms Jokes
Here is a list of funny no legs no arms jokes and even better no legs no arms puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.
- Awwww If you watch Jaws backwards it is a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms & legs to disabled people.
- Vader has a pretty sweet suit. It must have cost at least an arm and a leg.
- Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs? A. Anything you want, there's nothing he can do about it.
- I would like to thank my arms For always being by my side
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me
And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them - What is brown and has got four legs and an arm? A Rottweiler on a children's playground.
- I have 3 eyes, 5 legs and 6 arms, what am I ? A liar
- What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
- Shout out to my arms for always being by my side... & my legs for being there every step of the way
- A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs "I know" said the doctor.
"We had to amputate your arms"
No Arms No Legs Jokes
Here is a list of funny no arms no legs jokes and even better no arms no legs puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How much does a red lightsaber cost? An arm and a leg
^^ - A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs! The doctor replies I know, I amputated your arms.
- I saw a guy at an ATM with no arms, and a peg leg He asked if I would help him check his balance... so I pushed him over
- I have 2 heads, 5 arms, 372 legs, and 6684324 eyes. What am I? A liar
- Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."
[A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News'] - If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks Cost me an arm and a leg!
- I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I? A liar.
- What do you call the boy with no legs and no arms? Names.
- What has four legs and one arm? A pitbull terrier in a childrens' playground
- What has eight legs, two arms, two wings, and three heads? A person on a horse holding a chicken.
No Arms And Legs Jokes
Here is a list of funny no arms and legs jokes and even better no arms and legs puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a pirate with 2 arms, 2 legs and 2 eyes? A beginner
- Whaddaya call a guy with no arms or legs trying to water ski? Skip.
- What do you call a drummer with no arms and no legs? A headbanger
- What has four legs and one arm? An attack dog in an elementary school.
- The hitchhiker A guy with 3 eyes, one leg, and no arms is hitchhiking. Suddenly a nice English gent pulls over and says "eye, eye, eye, you look 'armless, hop in."
- Ordered some Christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card. Cost me an arm and a leg.
- My brother was in a car accident yesterday and lost his left arm and left leg. Well actually, he's not my brother... he's my half-brother. He's all right now.
- I tried joining the American Paralympics team didn't make it in though. entry costs an arm and a leg.
- Q: What has 2 arms, 3 legs, and 4 feet?
A: The finish line at the Boston Marathon. - What has 4 arms and 4 legs and never works out? Marriage
Sally No Arms Jokes
Here is a list of funny sally no arms jokes and even better sally no arms puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did Little Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms
knock knock
whos there?
not sally - Why did sally fall of the swing? Sally had no arms
Knock knock
Who's there
Not sally - What did no arm Sally get for her birthday? A pair of gloves.
- Why couldnt Sally swing? She had no arms
Why did Billy drop his icecream?
He got hit by a bus - Sally Hey did you hear about Sally who fell down and broke both her arms?
No Arms Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about no arms you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make no arms pranks.
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."
I was s**... active at 12
It's now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
I told my doctor that I recently broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
The vet told me "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down."
"Oh God!" I said. "WHY?!"
"Because my arms are getting tired."
What do you call Mike Tyson without any arms?
Whatever you want
Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn
He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"
TIFU by buying an MP5K instead of a Mini-u**... from the Arms Store...
Whoops, wrong sub.
What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a banjo player?
A tattoo.
A husband sends a text to his wife.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?
Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia.
Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its hilarious.
Martial arts
The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.
The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.
The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.
The French developed parkour - the art of running away as quickly and efficiently as possible.
A lawyer opens his car door on the side of the road
as a car flies past and takes off his door. Stunned, he quickly looks around and spots a police officer nearby. "Officer, you saw that guy just hit my brand new Porsche, you have to do something!" The officer can't believe what he is seeing and shakily replies, "Sir, how can you lawyers be so materialistic? Do you not realize that your entire left arm is also missing?" The lawyer quickly looks at his left arm and yells, "No, my Rolex!"
Husband send a text to his wife
Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?
What do you call an Italian with a broken arm?
Speech impaired.
A bear walks into a bar.
The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."
Funniest thing my gf has ever said
We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).
Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.
GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.
So God creates Adam...
...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.
God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."
God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."
Adam hesitates..
"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.
God responds "An arm and a leg."
Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"
You are what you think you are
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: So you're an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer 'international arms dealer'.
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...
My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!
What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.
Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'
Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...
"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"
Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.
"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"
A boy walks in on his dad m**......
He asks him, "Daddy what are you doing?"
His dad responds, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon."
The boy then asks, "Why's that daddy?"
His dad answers, "Because my arms getting tired.."
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a s**..., the second lady had a s**..., but the third lady's arm was too short to reach.
A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.
"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"
God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
Superman once arm wrestled Chuck Norris
Loser had to wear their underwear outside their pants.
If you watch 127 Hours backwards
It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.
"The neighbors hate us."
"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."
A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."
A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"
I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night...
The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."
I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"
Son walks in on his dad m**...
Dad tells him "son... you'll be doing this soon".
The son asks "why... because I'm about to hit puberty?"
To which the dad replies "no... because my arm is getting sore"
A little boy with no arms wanted some chocolate
He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,
"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"
"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.
As the boy begins to cry the mother says,
"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer
The bartender nods,
"and how about one for the road?"
A guy walks into a bar...
He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?"
The bartender replies,
"if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off."
The guy then replies,
"I won't do it, the stakes are too high."
Eminem Coronavirus joke
Apparently, Eminem is rumored to be diagnosed with Coronavirus
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with v**... on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
A guy visits his favorite d**...
He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.
She makes him s**... and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.
She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.
Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!
She says This sub really loves reposts.
Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...
People will eventually get over it.
A husband died
A husband died.
A few years later, his wife died.
As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,
"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
A kid asks his mom:
- Mom, what's dark humor?
- Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap
- Mom! I'm blind....
- Exactly.
One boy tell the other: "There is an easy way to get what you want"
The other boy said, "How?"
"Tell people you know their secret"
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"
The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10"
The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"
The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15"
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!"
The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
Bigger in Texas
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. Wow, this bed is big!
Everything is big in Texas, says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. Wow these drinks are big!
The bartender replies, Everything is big in Texas.
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Second door to the right, says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, Don't flush, don't flush!
After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I'm alone. Can you create me one also?
God replied, Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.
Adam thought for a second and said, What do you got for a rib?
A husband died
A few years later the wife died.
As she got to heaven, she sees her husband and runs up to him with tears in her eyes "Oh darling, how I've missed you."
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
An African man visits his friend in the US
I just flew in yesterday the African man says And boy are my arms tired!
You know, that's kind of an old joke here in America replied his friend.
Joke? The African man said. I've been holding my hands in the air yelling 'don't shoot' ever since I got to this d**... country .
Placing three armed veterans in each school will stop school shootings
The shooter will see people with three arms and freak out.
"Mom what's dark humor?"
"Do you see that guy over there without arms? Ask him to clap his hand"
"But mom I'm blind..."
"Exactly!"
Speaking of a big fat b**...!
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
"My cat is very fat, she says.
"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down."
"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"
"Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."
I was at a job interview today...
When the manager handed me a laptop and said,
I want you to sell this to me.
So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.
Eventually he called me and said, Bring my laptop back now.
I said, £200 and it's yours.
The neighbors hate us.
"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."
An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"
The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.
He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.
"Did you see my face?"
"Yes"
BANG, he shoots him.
He then points it at the second guy.
"Did you see my face?"
The second guy points at a woman sitting far off in the reception area.
"No, but my mother in law did!"
A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career
He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.
In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job security.
"I'm as surprised as you are," wrote the vampire. "It was not a job I could see myself doing."
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A drunk man walks into a bar
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."
A lawyer is out for a drive when he gets violently sideswiped, seemingly out of nowhere.
A police officer arrives at the scene to take his statement, but the driver keeps ranting on and on about the damage to his car.
"My beautiful BMW! The g**... door was torn right off!"
The police officer rolls his eyes and says "You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. Here you are, going on about your precious car, and you didn't even notice your left arm was torn off in the c**...."
The man looks down at the b**... stump, and with mounting horror, exclaims, "*My Rolex!*"
A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma
Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.
A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband
One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."
Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"
The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"
Dispatch asks "well do you have her in custody yet?"
"No not yet" the officer says
Dispatch says "Why not?"
The officer hesitates for a moment, then finally replies "well the floor still looks wet"
Proud Dad momemt
My 10 year old daughter just asked me "Dad, what do you do when you break your arm in several places?" I was in the middle of going over some work and said " I'm not sure" her reply was " You stop going to those places."
***Happy tear follows***
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I replied, "£100 and it's yours."
A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm.
He asks for one beer, and one for the road.