No Arm Jokes
151 no arm jokes and hilarious no arm puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about no arm that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest No Arm Short Jokes
Short no arm jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The no arm humour may include short missing arm jokes also.
- The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day! - My husband said our infant son could microwave... And then shook his arm really fast.
(True story, please groan with me.) - Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim. Within arm's length, to be specific.
- A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms." - My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a greek statue... Completely pale, no arms.
- A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."
- I told my doctor that I recently broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
- You are what you think you are Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: So you're an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer 'international arms dealer'. - Superman once arm wrestled Chuck Norris loser had to wear their underwear outside their pants.
- Placing three armed veterans in each school will stop school shootings The shooter will see people with three arms and freak out.
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No Arm One Liners
Which no arm one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with no arm? I can suggest the ones about one arm and no legs no arms.
- If We're Going to Arm the Teachers All I ask is that the librarians get silencers
- Why did eminem kneel at the half time show? His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.
- I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex He's a small arms dealer.
- I just flew in from Chernobyl And boy are my arms leg.
- What did the boy with no arms get for his birthday ? Don't know he hasn't opened it yet
- EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy WEB MD: Cancer.
- A judge asked a wife why she stabbed her husband 75 times. She said her arm got tired.
- What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A pitbull coming from the childrens play ground
- What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's lost at sea? Bob.
- What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.
- I just flew in from a Ravioli convention. Boyardees arms tired.
- T-Shirt is actually short for Tyrannosaurus Shirt... Because of the short arms
- What do you call mike tyson without any arms? Whatever you want
- What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a banjo player? A tattoo.
- Vader has a pretty sweet suit. It must have cost at least an arm and a leg.
No Arm No Leg Jokes
Here is a list of funny no arm no leg jokes and even better no arm no leg puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.
- What is brown and has got four legs and an arm? A Rottweiler on a children's playground.
- What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
- Shout out to my arms for always being by my side... & my legs for being there every step of the way
- How much does a red lightsaber cost? An arm and a leg
^^ - I saw a guy at an ATM with no arms, and a peg leg He asked if I would help him check his balance... so I pushed him over
- Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."
[A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News'] - If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks Cost me an arm and a leg!
- I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I? A liar.
- What has eight legs, two arms, two wings, and three heads? A person on a horse holding a chicken.
Howlingly Hilarious No Arm Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about no arm you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean one arm man jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make no arm pranks.
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."
A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"
A little boy with no arms wanted some chocolate
He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,
"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"
"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.
As the boy begins to cry the mother says,
"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"
Literally the guy you asked for
A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, Looking for a guy that won't beat me, won't run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.
Three days later, there's a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there's a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. Dear Amy, he says, I have no arms so I couldn't even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can't run away on you. I'm your guy.
That's very nice, says Amy, surprised, but how will you be able to satisfy me?
His smile widens, You did hear the knocking, didn't you?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?
A. Anything you want, there's nothing he can do about it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend looks like a Roman Goddess..
Pale, No arms.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her s**... life.
Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.
She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"
He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."
Then she says, "And the s**... life?"
He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
What do you call a British man with no arms and a gun?
'armless.
An elderly woman decides she wants a husband...
An elderly woman decides its time she starts looking for husband, so she puts out and ad in the local news paper stating:
LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND HE MUST:
•not beat me
•not leave me
•be good in bed
So with these simple requirements she waits a few days with no response, but then one morning she hers her doorbell ring and goes to answer it. Standing at the door is a man with no arms and no legs. She asks him, "Are you here about the ad?" he replied, "Yes, I meet all the requirements see, I have no arms therefor I cannot beat you, and I have no legs therefor I cannot leave you." she asks, "well are you good in bed?" the man responds, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
My mother told me this one...
One day a lonely woman decided to call the dating service. They asked her what she wanted in a man. She replied "I want a man who won't hit me, I want a man who won't leave me, and I want a great lover!" They said ok he will be there in one hour. So the woman gets ready for her date, and an hour later she hears the doorbell ring. She goes to the door but no one is there. When all of a sudden she hears "down here!". She looks down and sees a man with no arms and no legs lying on the doormat. She asks "can i help you?" He says "I am from the dating service." But she does not believe him. He sees this and says "just tell me what you want in a man. She says "I want a man who won't hit me". "Lady I ain't got any arms". "I want a man who wont leave me". "Lady I ain't got no legs". "And I want a great lover" she says. To which he replies "lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell?"
I try to tell this joke in english :]
There's a young boy, with no arms, nor legs called Lumpi.
Lumpi plays in front of his house in the sandbox, then a window opens on the 4th floor and Lumpi's mother yells at him "Lumpi time to eat!" and she throws down a rope.
As Lumpi sees the rope hanging out of his window, he starts to rob to the rope and bite's it! He trained hard to hold himself on the rope with his teeth. Lumpi is very hungry and starts to pull himself up only with his teeth. Lumpi pulls and pulls, he's on the 1st floor, the window opens and a young Lady smiles at him, Lumpi smiles back, then pulls again...and again, 2nd floor the window opens and an old man sees him and waves at him, Lumpi shakes his head to greet back, then he start's to pull himself up again. Lumpi, all sweaty and hungry now on the the 3rd floor, near his own window on the 4th floor. The window on the 3rd floor opens and a Lady sees him, then she says "Hi Lumpi! What are you going to eat now?" and Lumpi replies " Pizaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!...."
Sry for my bad english, I just tried to tell a joke in english that I know in my own language. :)
After 3 failed marriages, an old woman decides to try an online dating site..
She sets up an account with all her info and says she is looking for "a man who will not beat me, Will not walk all over me, and is great in bed." After 2 weeks no one has replied. Then, one day some one rings the doorbell. The woman gets up and opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs sitting there. He says "Hello, I'm here about your online dating profile." the woman says to him, "well I want a man who won't beat me.." the man says "I have no arms, therefore I can not beat you." the woman says "well I want a man who won't walk all over me." the man replies "I have no legs, so I can't even walk." the woman says "well, I want a man who's great in bed.." the man replies "hey, I rang the doorbell didn't I?
Husband Wanted
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
A woman, tired of living alone, decides to put an ad in the local paper.
She asks for three things:
1. A man who will treat her nicely,
2. A man who won't leave her, and
3. A man who is good in bed.
Several weeks go buy without a result, and the woman is resigned to life without a man who can embody those qualities. Then, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find an armless, legless man in a wheelchair. He says, "I'm here about the ad in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms, so I can't beat you, and I have no legs, so I can't run away from you." The woman is skeptical, and asks, "Yeah, but are you good in bed?" The man answers, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A widow puts out an ad for a man...
She put out an ad for a man that would not beat her, not run away, and could satisfy her s**.... A few days later the doorbell rings. And in the doorway is a man with no arms or legs. He told her he was there to answer her ad, and she asked him why he thought he fit the criteria.
"Well, I have no arms so I will never beat you. I have no legs so I can't run from you."
"How do you suppose that you can satisfy me s**...," she asked with a puzzled face.
"Well, I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy was born without a body
A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.
So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.
The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he'**... by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.
"What a shame" his dad said.
"He should have quit while he was ahead"
Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A monastery's bell ringer died and the monks put an ad in the paper for a new one.
The next day a man comes to the door to apply and he has no arms. The head monk says:
"Sir, how can you ring our bell if you have no arms?"
The applicant replied, "Just give me a chance, take me to the bell tower and I'll show you."
The all get to the bell tower and ask him to show them how he plans to do it. The applicant gets a running start and slams his face into the bell "RINNNNNNGGGGGGGG"
Before anyone could stop him, he backs up and runs s**... into the bell again and falls to the ground dead.
The head monk spoke up, "Did anyone catch his name?"
Another monk said, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."
There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.
The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.
One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child's name.
The priest said I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell.
Whaddaya call a guy with no arms or legs trying to water ski?
Skip.
What do you call a drummer with no arms and no legs?
A headbanger
The hitchhiker
A guy with 3 eyes, one leg, and no arms is hitchhiking. Suddenly a nice English gent pulls over and says "eye, eye, eye, you look 'armless, hop in."
A dad and son are sitting in a park
Son asks, "Dad what is dark humour"
Dad, "Son see that man with no arms. Ask him to clap"
Son, "But dad I am blind"
Dad "I know"
What do you call a turkey with no arms?
a turkey
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mom, what's dark humor?
Mom: Well son, you see that man over there with no arms? Go tell him to clap.
Son: But, Mom! I'm blind!
Mom: Exactly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did the man with no arms commit s**...?
We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.
A man with no arms and no legs always had a dream of becoming a firefighter.
His mother didn't want to crush his dreams but she knew he would never be accepted. She let him set up an interview so he could be let down slowly. Surprisingly, she picked him up and he gave her the news that he got the job. She was shocked. On his first day of work, she wanted to check in on him so she called 911 and reported a fire at her home. She waited outside as she anxiously waited to watch her son in action. As the fire truck flies down the street, she sees her son attached to the top, yelling: Weyoweyoweyo !
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a man with no arms or legs?
His name, a**....
A British cab driver pulls up to the airport...
He sees a man waiting for a cab. The man has three eyes, no arms, and only one leg.
The cab driver says to him "Aye, aye, aye. You look 'armless. Hop in!"
more dad-jokes (the limb-less edition)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door?
Matt.
The neighborhood kids came to Timmy's house and asked if he could come out to play. "Shame on you kids," says Timmy's mom. "Don't you know Timmy doesn't have any arms or legs? He can't play with you."
"But we're playing baseball and we need a home base."
My disabled friend wants to be a Band-Aid for Halloween but he's got no arms…
I don't know how he expects to pull it off
A woman gave birth to a baby with no arms, legs, body or neck.
The doctor said, "Looks like it quit while it was a head."
A joke for fall.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's trying to get home?
A taxi
The sheriff at the press conference said we have a torso with no arms, legs, or head.
Frankly, we're stumped.
A hitchhiker with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg was standing on the side of the road
An Irish man pulls up and says " eye,eye eye you look armless, why don't you hop on in?"
What can't a man with no arms break?
His fall.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do people with no arms have difficulty remembering?
Because they can't put their finger on it.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying beside a hole?
Doug
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do people with no arms make bad comedians?
Because they haven't got a funny bone in their body.
Suzy
Why did Suzy fall of the swings?
Cause she had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Suzy.
What did Suzy get for Christmas?
Gloves
Ha Ha just kidding that's mean
We actually don't know she hasn't opened it yet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's this guy, richest man in the world…
Has everything he's ever dreamed of and becomes sad. He decides to end his life since nothing else can make him happy. Down below he finds an armless man dancing, and wonders why someone with no arms is dancing. How can someone be so happy ? He then goes down below to ask why is he dancing, and the man says I'm not dancing I'm trying to scratch my a**...
I was about to be given a yellow card for punching another player in the face, but then the ref noticed I was an amputee.
No arm, no foul.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where do you find a woman with no arms or legs?
The same place that you left her.
I sold my guitar to a man with no arms
I said to him "How will this work?"
And he replied "I'm not sure, I'll play it by ear"
How does a person with no arms or legs cross a freeway?
Hint: Take the F out of Free and the F out of way.
Why did Little Sally fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms
knock knock
whos there?
not sally
In the middle of a bank robbery, a guy with no arms walks right in and says
Dont shoot. Im unarmed.
What do call a man with no arms and no legs in a jacuzzi?
Stew
What do you call a Baby with no arms and no legs....
A Monster
(from my 3 year old!)
A man arrives at the front door of a brothel, a woman answers and notices the man has no arms or legs. The woman says "what are we supposed to do with you?"
The man replies "I rang the doorbell didn't I?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a p**... with no arms and legs?
A cash and carry
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
Bullied.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs lying on your doorstep?
An ambulance.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and 30 tentacles?
Senpai.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the cafeteria?
Trey
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging from your living room wall?
Art.
What if he also had no tongue?
Tasteless art.
What do you call the guy with no arms or legs that works up in the bell tower?
What do you call the guy with no arms or legs that works up in the bell tower?
I can't remember his name, but his face sure does ring a bell.
The one of many dad jokes I heard last night.
What do call a man with no arms or legs in a cupboard?
Herb
Why did the boy fall from the swing?
Because he had no arms
Knock Knock
Who's there
Not the boy
What to you call a Guitarist with no arms?
An Amputee.
I propose a change to California's flag
This time it will be a bear but with no arms!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs inside a volcano?
Anakin Skywalker.
(Happy Geek Pride Day!)
An Australian drives up to a hitch hiker with one eye, no arms, and one leg
And says "Oi! You look 'armless! 'Op in!"
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs driving a car?
Rex
(made this one up myself!)
Jim was a man born with no arms
Knock knock
Who's there?
Not jim
Meet Ted!
Ted has no arms.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Not Ted.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who's swimming?
Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a clothes line?
Aaron
Chain jokes?
I just wanted to know some chain jokes, doesn't matter any kind. I have 1 but that's really all I know:
Q: Why did little Suzy get run over by a car?
A: She had no arms or legs!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Not little Suzy
I'm gonna turn nfsw on just in case :/
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms.
Knock knock
Whos there?
Not Sally.
What did Sally get for Christmas?
We don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.
What did Sally get for her birthday?
Cancer.
What did the kid with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer
Where's the best place to find a man with no arms and no legs?
Where you left him
Funny joke, I think.
A robber who had no arms tried to rob me, good thing he was unarmed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What doya call an Irishmann with no arms nor leggs hangin from yer ceilin'?
Sean DuLier
(Not original content, but aye couldn't fynd it heahr)
What do you name a boy with no arms and no legs?
Matt
