Ninetyeight Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

Forgiving Your Enemies

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
"I outlived the bitches."

The man with no enemies.

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"  Almost everyone held up their hands, but some were hesitant.

So the minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.  How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The 
congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"So, Mr. Barnes, would you please  come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the  aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, I outlived all them assholes!"

Ninety-eight percent of lawyers...

give the other two percent a really bad name.

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used while showering.

Ninety-eight of them said, "Get the hell out of here."

So

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, How old was your husband? Ninety-eight, she replied. Two years older than I am.

So you're ninety-six, the undertaker said.

She responded, Hardly worth going home, is it?

I surveyed 100 women

and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. Ninety-eight of them said, "Screamed get out.. get out of my bathroom?"

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