Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,
"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,
"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
She always wanted a girl :(
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
I bet your butt is as big as my grill.
His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.
That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. Not tonight, says his wife.
He asks her why not, to which she responds, Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
I have no idea who let her into my office.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!
That's the best I've done so far.
You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids.
It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
They did unspeakable things to me.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
Oof
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
Then it dawned on me
when she suddenly yelled, Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!
Just relax. I said, You might like it.
Relax? she screamed, What the fuck is Dave doing here?
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
We just clicked.
I shouted, "Fuck, seriously?! I was going to eat that later, but now it will just taste like carrots!"
The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.
The second nightstand.
...I'm so sorry.
So I woke up to look with him.
Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.
...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a huge bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"
She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"
I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."
I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night
That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.
The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.
Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin
Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!
Kid 1: Lies!
Kid 2: Ask your sister.
Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!
Kid 2: You will in about nine months!
The blonde replies, "Holy shit, you slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
He nuts and bolts.
I'll see myself out.
My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.
My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
I'm not letting you out.
a new last name
I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, Does anyone know CPR?
I shouted, Hell, I know the whole alphabet.
Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.
...they told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts
A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."
I also pull out way to late.
...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up
It was a disaster. Nobody came.
The police told us to stay inside until they shot him
at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy.
There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.
Fucking Parrot didn't know what hit it.
"I'm chilly"
She steps closer and takes my hand
"Will you be my con queso?"
And before I could even respond ...
"Sorry, was that too cheesy for you?"
I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"
"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.
"Well, neither would Pete,"
Last night, my wife woke me up..
*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Needless to say, I swiped left on that cheating bitch.
can't wait to get out of prison.
Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.
Thanks daylight savings
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.
The officer then asks, Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?
The man replies, My wife.
Doesnt cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night
The police told us to stay in our houses until they'd shot him
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Night? Well, here are the best Night puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Night pick up lines to share with friends.