The Best 69 Night Jokes

Following is our collection of Night jokes which are very funny. There are some night sleep jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these night one dark halloween night puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

You're coming home now! she screamed.

No, I'm not, I laughed.

She said, I'm talking to the kids.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!

The student has become the teacher.

My mother used to tuck me in every night

She always wanted a girl :(

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next


I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof

I had a bukkake party last night.

It was a disaster. Nobody came.

Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.

Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

Top Night Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore night nightly reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean night midnight dad jokes. There are also night puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I dreamt about a horse last night.

It turned out to be a night mare.

What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?

a new last name

My girlfriend dropped this on me after some Tex-Mex last night ...

"I'm chilly"

She steps closer and takes my hand

"Will you be my con queso?"

And before I could even respond ...

"Sorry, was that too cheesy for you?"

Getting drunk

at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy.

Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush.

I also pull out way to late.

Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex?

can't wait to get out of prison.

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night

The police told us to stay inside until they shot him


Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night

Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.

Arrested for being too good in bed!

My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

Two kids were talking...

Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin

Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!

Kid 1: Lies!

Kid 2: Ask your sister.

Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!

Kid 2: You will in about nine months!

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

What does a robot do after a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

I'll see myself out.

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

My mom used to tuck me in at night...

I think she really wanted a girl.

I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy's belly last night.

Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy's big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.

Aha, I know why it isn't working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.

I was talking to a girl in a bar last night

She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.

Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!

The man came home early from work to find his wife lying naked on the bed, crying her eyes out.

What's wrong? he asked.

I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she

sobbed.

Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that

he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice

pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi

there Tom, the green silk gown…

Last night I was attacked by a gang of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

I met a North African girl the other night, we spoke for hours.

We just clicked.

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money

So I woke up to look with him.

My next door neighbor is Bulimic and she was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...

"For goodness sake, keep it down!"

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

I had a threesome last night.

There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

I had sex for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg

A man goes to see a sex therapist

"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"

"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.

The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.

"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me

. On a related note...…………………. I suck at darts.

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"

The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.

"Nah, the steaks are too high"

My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

Dirty bastards.

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."

"Got it," she says, slipping off her panties and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."

He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.

"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your panties!"

"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

Who won the presidential debate last night?

People who didn't watch

A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.

"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.

His friend replied "Good choice bro the clothes probably didn't even fit you"

I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."

A guy takes a girl on a date to the county fair...

When they get there, he asks her what she wants to do now. She says "I wanna get weighed." So he takes her to one of those guess your weight booths and she gets a prize. He asks her again what she wants to do. Again, "I wanna get weighed".

This goes on the whole night. Finally the guy gets fed up and takes her home. When she walks in the door, her mom asks "how was your date?"

She replies "*sigh* wousy"

I drove home drunk last night..

..to find my girlfriend waiting at the door.
She yelled Why are you driving half drunk?
I said, I'm sorry, I ran out of money

I went to a fondue party last night and thought of a really great joke!

I was too embarrassed to say it though, it was really cheesy.

A man receives a message from a neighbour....

Sorry sir I am using your wife...day and night... When you are not present at home...In fact , much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."

The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to hospital

The next day he receives another message:

"Sorry sir spelling mistake, it's not wife but wifi".

So, I had a Spicy Italian 6 last night...

... and then he and I went to Subway.

Was all excited last night when my wife told me that she wanted us to role play as doctor and patient.

But then she told me that visiting hours are over and asked me to get out of the bedroom immediately.

She indeed is a genius...

A dairy farmer got thrown out of the comedy club last night.

They said his jokes were too cheesy

I watched a documentary on how they built the hull of the Titanic last night....

It was riveting.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the night heaven all night jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working night chinese wedding night piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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