Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
She always wanted a girl :(
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
I have no idea who let her into my office.
You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids.
It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
They did unspeakable things to me.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
Oof
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
Then it dawned on me
. On a related note...…………………. I suck at darts.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"
The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.
"Nah, the steaks are too high"
We just clicked.
The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.
The second nightstand.
...I'm so sorry.
So I woke up to look with him.
Dirty bastards.
Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.
I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night
That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.
The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.
Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin
Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!
Kid 1: Lies!
Kid 2: Ask your sister.
Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!
Kid 2: You will in about nine months!
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
He nuts and bolts.
I'll see myself out.
"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"
"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.
The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.
"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."
My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.
Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
I'm not letting you out.
a new last name
A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."
I also pull out way to late.
It was a disaster. Nobody came.
The police told us to stay inside until they shot him
at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy.
There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.
"I'm chilly"
She steps closer and takes my hand
"Will you be my con queso?"
And before I could even respond ...
"Sorry, was that too cheesy for you?"
Last night, my wife woke me up..
*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
can't wait to get out of prison.
Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.
She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…
It turned out to be a night mare.
I think she really wanted a girl.
Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!
"For goodness sake, keep it down!"
"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."
400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:
"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"
Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy's big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.
Aha, I know why it isn't working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Far less "computer networking" and so much more "murderous clowning" than anticipated
3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.
I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.
We have collected gags that can be used as Night pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Night, here are one liners and funny Night pick up lines.