night Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious night stories

What are the best Night puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Night? Well here is a complete list of Night to have fun with:

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

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I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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My mother used to tuck me in every night

She always wanted a girl :(

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

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A man notices his wife's butt is getting big...

I bet your butt is as big as my grill.

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. Not tonight, says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

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My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

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My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

You're coming home now! she screamed.

No, I'm not, I laughed.

She said, I'm talking to the kids.

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I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

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I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

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A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof

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A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

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Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

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Newfie Hooker

A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and spots a woman in the Shadows.

"Twenty dollars" she whispers.

Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I's makin' love to me wife!", the Newfoundlander answers, annoyed.

"Oh! I'm sorry", says the cop. "I didn't know."

"Well, neidder did I, 'til ya shined that light in 'er face!"

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I had a bukkake party last night.

It was a disaster. Nobody came.

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Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.

Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

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A policeman searched me last night...

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."

"What for?" I asked.

He said, "The drugs."

I said, "What drugs?"

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I fucked a girl for an hour and 45 seconds last night

Thanks daylight savings

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I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn

Doesnt cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night

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Got a handjob from a blind girl last night

She said "You have the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on."

I said "Nah. You're just pulling my leg."

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I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line...

Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

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Delivering The Best Toast

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the contest for the best toast of the night," he replied.

She then asked what his toast was. He said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church with me wife." "How sweet of you to include me in your toast," his wife replied.

While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.

"Mornin' Mrs. Murphy," he said. "That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize."

"Well, I'm afraid he wasn't quite honest with the facts," Mrs. Murphy replied. "He's only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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Teacher asks Johnny, "What's Wrong?"

Johnny :- Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny, are you asleep?'

I say No & he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye

Teacher:- Tonight, when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.

The following morning Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again.

Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again?
Johnny:- Dad asked me if I was asleep. I shut up & kept dead still.
Then my mum and dad started moving at the same time.
Mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically &
squealing like a hyena on the bed.
Then my dad asked my mum, "Are you coming?"
Mum said, "Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?"
Dad answered:- Yes.

Well, they don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "wait for me, I'm coming too".

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So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

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So drunk he can't stand up

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

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I got a hand job off a blind girl last night. She said "You've got the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on..."

I said "Nah, you're pulling my leg"

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My first drink with my son...

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like it, so I drank it.

it was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's.

By the time we got down to the Tullamore Dew,

I could hardly push the stroller back home.

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What did Kate Middleton find out on her wedding night?

That not all rulers are twelve inches long

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Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

A person in another room said,Β "How do you know?" The first patient said,Β "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,

"I did not!"

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Lie Detetcting Robot

A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps a person when he lies.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper. Where were you last night?
I was at the library.
The robot slaps the son.
Okay, I was at a friend's house.
Doing what? asks the father.
Watching a movie, Toy Story.
The robot slaps the son.
Okay, it was porn! cries the son.
The father yells, What? When I was your age, I didn't know what porn was!
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, He certainly is your son!
The robot slaps the mother.

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A farmer had three daughters...

and each was going on a date one Friday night.

The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

Betty left with Freddy.

The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"

Flo left with Joe.

The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"

The farmer shot chuck.

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A lady and her butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.

She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.

"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.

"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.

"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied.

Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

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What kind of doctor is always on call?

An oncologist!


...


I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.

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Bros v. Hoes

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

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A mortician was working late one night...

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

I'm sorry Mr. Sam, said the mortician, but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

I have something to show you that you won't believe, he said, and opened his briefcase.

Oh, my God! she screamed, Sam is dead!

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An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m

...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

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I'm holding a charity night for people that can't reach orgasm.



If you can't come let me know.

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A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

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What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

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Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

"Twenty Euros," she whispers.
Murphy had never been with a hooker before,
but decides what the hell, it's only twenty
Euros. So they hid in the bushes. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the cop.
"I'm making love to me wife," Murphy answers
sounding annoyed.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody
light in her face!"

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First time sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to
meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and
make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the
boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come
on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."


The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was the pharmacist!"

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Hung Like a Baby

I got married last week my fiancΓ©e and I were both virgins, and the night before our wedding my fiancΓ©e came up to me and said

" I have to admit something.... My boobs are not really this big, I have been stuffing my bra the whole time!"
I responded "it is Ok, I am not marrying you for your boobs!" "I have something to admit as well.... I am hung like a baby!"

she also said "it is OK, I am not marrying you for the size of your penis!"

So on our wedding night, after everyone had left we went to out hotel room. I was sitting on the bed and she told me to wait there. She went into the bathroom and cleaned up, she came out naked. I immediately told her "your boobs are beautiful and I would not change a thing!"

I started to get undressed and got to my underwear, I took them off, and she fainted. I ran over to her to check on her. When she came to she looked at me and said "I thought you were hung like a baby"

"I am 7 pounds 6 ounces 19 and a half inches"

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All the single ladles

Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her all the more curious.

Joe noticed his mother's suspicion. "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates."

A week later, Julie came to Joe and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't seem to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it on accident, do you?"

Joe agreed that it was a reasonable possibility, and wrote a letter to his mother inquiring about the ladle. It read, "I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle, nor am I saying you 'did not' take the ladle,' but the fact is it's been missing since you came to dinner last week."

Several weeks later, a reply came.

"I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Julie, nor am I saying you 'do not' sleep with Julie. The fact is if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now."

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Golden toilets

A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless guy that was sitting on a bench last night

but he told me to fuck off and buy my own...

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I was in bed last night with my wife

I was in bed last night with my wife. She turns to me and says "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse."

I should have waited for the bulb to cool down.

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Fred and Mary got married

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent'shome for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His Mom replies, 'Ok, tell me what you think?'

He says, 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'
__________________

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best night jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty night gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these night jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Night jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

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