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Nice Jokes

149 nice jokes and hilarious nice puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nice that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Ready for a laugh? Check out these awesome, cool and hilarious jokes that are sure to make you laugh out loud. Get your friends, family and loved ones in on the fun with these yo mama so nice jokes.

Funniest Nice Short Jokes

Short nice jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nice humour may include short cool jokes also.

  1. So Tekashi69 could face life in prison Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
  2. So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
  3. The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections. Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.
  4. I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore... They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.
  5. That's a nice ham you've got there... ... it'd be a shame if somebody put an 's' at the front and an 'e' at the end.
  6. I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ''I could marry you!'', I couldn't believe it You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return
  7. What is Pac-Man's favorite cooking utensil? A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok
  8. I just explained Google images to my mum... "Pick anything to search for" I told her.
    "What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.
    "Except that." I replied.
  9. I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today He said dream on. I think that was really nice of him.
  10. A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?" The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!"
    "Not this time son, our dog is dead"

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Nice One Liners

Which nice one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nice? I can suggest the ones about pleasant and awesome.

  1. I like my women like I like my coffee I've never had coffee but it smells really nice
  2. I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares. It's nice to have some company.
  3. Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice? The spanish Inquisition.
  4. i think the story of Noah's life was a bit boring But it did have a nice arc
  5. What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt.
  6. Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet deep? Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
  7. The other day I held the door for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
  8. That's a nice sham you've got there... It'd be a shame if somebody
    added an e
  9. Sauron is a great name It has a nice ring to it
  10. Modern day bullies be like: "Nice gender, did your mommy pick it out for you???"
  11. A clown held the door open for me yesterday I thought it was a nice jester.
  12. What do you call a rapper that smells nice? Post Cologne
  13. i really like the name saturn it has a nice ring to it
  14. How does a girl greet Bill Cosby on their 2nd date? "Nice to meet you"
  15. It's not nice to make fun of the obese... ...They have enough on their plate.

Nice Guy Jokes

Here is a list of funny nice guy jokes and even better nice guy puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney It's a huge act, man..
  • Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier. He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.
  • [Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath. Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Heather.
    Guy: This isn't a competition.
  • My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
  • Rick Astley is such a nice guy He'll let you borrow any of his Disney Pixar DVD collection! Except Up!
    He's Never Gonna Give You Up
  • I met a nice guy online. He says he's from South Korea. I think he might be my Seoulmate
  • I saw the army of Lichtenstein the other day. He was a really nice guy.
  • Nice guys don't finish last.. They finish alone in the shower.
  • Did you guys hear about the two cellphone towers that got married? It was a nice ceremony, but the reception was *amazing.*
  • I was in Ferguson last night and got jumped by 5 black guys! The car started right up, they just said it just needs a new battery. What nice gentlemen i thought to myself.

Nice Compliment Jokes

Here is a list of funny nice compliment jokes and even better nice compliment puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Somebody actually complimented me on my parking today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.
  • The wardens at my University were always so nice. They always leave little notes on my car complimenting me, like, "parking fine".
  • It's not often people compliment my parking.... but the other day, I came back from work and saw a piece of paper on may car that said "Parking Fine". That was nice of them!
  • When is it okay to kick a midget? When he compliments how nice your girlfriends hair smells.
  • How many nice guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'll just compliment it and get annoyed it won't screw
  • How many nice guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just compliment it for being a strong, independent bulb until a real man comes along and screws it under their noses.
  • A Scottish, fedora-wearing art professor complimented his Scandinavian student. "Nice skies, Finnish lass!"
  • Got given a compliment about my parking today. Someone stuck a note to my windscreen that said "Parking Fine".
    That's nice of them.
  • A girl compliments a guy on his new phone. Girl: 'Nice phone!'
    Guy: ' Thanks! I won it in a race.'
    Girl: ' Who were the participants?'
    Guy: ' The owner, the cop and me. '
  • Nice mustache! ...oh. I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore..
Nice joke, Nice mustache! ...oh.

Nice Lawyer Jokes

Here is a list of funny nice lawyer jokes and even better nice lawyer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why do They bury Lawyers 12' down instead of the standard 6'? Because deep down, their really nice people.
  • Why are lawyers buried deeper than regular people? Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
  • Why are Lawyers buried forty feet deep when they die? Because deep down they're really nice people.

Nice English Jokes

Here is a list of funny nice english jokes and even better nice english puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The hitchhiker A guy with 3 eyes, one leg, and no arms is hitchhiking. Suddenly a nice English gent pulls over and says "eye, eye, eye, you look 'armless, hop in."
Nice joke, The hitchhiker

Fun-Filled Nice Jokes to Boost Your Mood

What funny jokes about nice you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sweet jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nice pranks.

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

My wife told me: "s**... is better on vacation."

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive

My nephew is in the 'why' phase of his life as a 6 year old...

and I told him 'Because it feels nice and you're an unreliable witness!'

Tender touching

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great s**..., she spent the next hour just rubbing his t**... -- something she loved to do.
"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

I said to my girlfriend.....

I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."
Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly r**...."
What fun that was...

My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln

As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."

fishing by the river

A man and his friend were fishing by the river when a f**... procession approached. The man stood up, took off his hat, and waited for the procession to pass, and sat back down. His friend said,"That was very respectful of you, very nice." The man then replied,"Well we were married for 40 years."

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a b**.... Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."
He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".

a man goes to confess after 25 years

So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of p**... n**... calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"
But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"

If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood...

she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

How to be insulting

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Henry Winkler on a plane

Henry Winkler is a passenger on a plane and the flight attendant asks him, "Would you like some headphones?"
He replies, "Yes, that would be very nice, but it's pronounced 'Fonz'."

I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children."

I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

My girlfriend said to me "s**... is better on holiday"...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

Chinese Sick Day

h**... Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something h**... Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for s**.... That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

I have a vegan girlfriend...

and she's nice and all, but sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot

What's with girls having weird names nowadays?

I recently slept with a girl and after s**... she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.

A woman walks by a clothes shop, and spots a nice red dress in the window.

She goes inside to inquire:
Woman: Hi. I want to try on that red dress in the window.
Employee: Well, as you wish, but we have changing rooms too.

"Jesus loves you."

A nice thing to hear in church. And a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and o**...

But not my Sister.

Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people

And their flag is also great, which is a huge plus.

That's a nice ham you got there

It would be a shame if someone put an "s" in front of it and an "e" behind it

Chinese man calls in sick

h**... Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what h**..., I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for s**.... That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me...

'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'
'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'

Dad: Son, do we have any 'dop ted'?

Son: What's a "dop ted"?
Dad: YOU ARE! You're adopted!
Son: Nice one, Dad.
Dad: I'm not your Dad.

That's a nice ham you got there.

It'd be a shame if someone put an "s" before it and an "e" after it.

Did Santa get you that?

Cop on horse says to little g**... bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*c**... goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

Horrible joke

So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.
The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"

What My Girlfriend Thought on the First Four Dates

1) Good shirt.
2) Nice. A second good shirt.
3) OK, the first shirt again.
4) He has two shirts.

The man came home early from work to find his wife lying n**... on the bed, crying her eyes out.

What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…

I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day

I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..

A shy cowboy goes into a bar

*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking c**... sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

I said to a fat girl today...

I said to a fat girl today,
"You're a big girl!"
She replied, "Tell me something I don't know."
I said, "Salad tastes nice"

How about an Indian joke?

A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

Guy calls in on radio show

**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'
**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?
**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan

I was feeling very lonely the other day so I bought some stocks.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

It's 2018, we need to stop calling things gay just because they are lame.

So what if there are no women at this bar? Most of the guys are really nice and some of them even bought me drinks, and that's pretty cool if you ask me.

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of w**... and read the dictionary.

High definition.

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"




Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"

My five-year-old, everyone.

My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:
 
Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."
Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."
Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"
Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"
Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"
Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."
Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."
 
I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a f**...).

n**... painting

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t**.... Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.

A man walks into a bar and it's empty – it's just him and the bartender.

He sits down and orders a drink.
After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, Pssst… I like your tie.
The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.
Pssst… that color looks nice on you.
He asks the bartender, Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts… they're complimentary.

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice t**..., where you want me to hang the blinds?

An Arab student emails his dad:

*An Arab student emails his dad:*
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.


*The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:*

My dear loving son,
Twenty million USD have just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love,
your Dad

A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....

So she says to her baby
_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her
10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_
5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to eat or im giving it to that man"_
At this point the gentleman sitting across from her yells
_"FFS Make up your mind lady, my stop was 3 stops ago!"_

A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.
"I was walking down the street last night and this g**... her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.
His friend replied "Good choice bro the clothes probably didn't even fit you"

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine

He inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: That's a nice looking Aldi!

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.
...
Sorry y'all. It's been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

Picked up a hitch-hiker.

Seemed like a nice guy.
After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?
I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

My stalker just threatened to kill herself, if I didn't love her back.

It's really nice when problems resolves themselves like that.

Nice joke, My stalker just threatened to kill herself, if I didn't love her back.

jokes about nice