Nice Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

I like my women like I like my coffee

I've never had coffee but it smells really nice

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive

So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have some company.

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

How about an Indian joke?

A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"

A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"

She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

My wife told me: Sex is better on holiday.

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

That's a nice ham you've got there...

... it'd be a shame if somebody put an 's' at the front and an 'e' at the end.

Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.

My girlfriend said to me "sex is better on holiday"...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

Did Santa get you that?

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

How to be insulting

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

A shy cowboy goes into a bar

*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking cowgirl sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"

The man came home early from work to find his wife lying naked on the bed, crying her eyes out.

What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

What did 0 say to 8?

-sigh-

Nice belt.

What's with girls having weird names nowadays?

I recently slept with a girl and after sex she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.

What is a nice guys' favorite cooking utensil?

M'Ladle


*tips fedora*


Just kidding, it's his mom. He doesn't cook.

Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".


She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".


The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".

I just explained Google images to my mum...

"Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.

"Except that." I replied.

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"

Chinese Sick Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,

"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today

He said Dream on. I think that was really nice of him.

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

The other day I held the door for a clown.

I thought it was a nice jester.

A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell

She sees him holding a very nice bouquet of flowers and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says This is for the flowers!

Don't be silly says her boyfriend, you must have a vase somewhere!

My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln

As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"









Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"

Chinese man calls in sick

Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

That's a nice sham you've got there...

It'd be a shame if somebody

added an e

My five-year-old, everyone.

My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:

 

Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"

Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"

Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."

Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."

 

I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a funeral).

Sauron is a great name

It has a nice ring to it

That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.

Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people

And their flag is also great, which is a huge plus.

I was feeling very lonely the other day so I bought some stocks.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

Modern day bullies be like:

"Nice gender, did your mommy pick it out for you???"

It's 2018, we need to stop calling things gay just because they are lame.

So what if there are no women at this bar? Most of the guys are really nice and some of them even bought me drinks, and that's pretty cool if you ask me.

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.

"But don't they just fall off?"

"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

a man goes to confess after 25 years

So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"

But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"

Horrible joke

So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.

The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"

I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day

I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.

Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

My hot lesbian neighbours got me a Rolex for my birthday

It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch"

Somebody actually complimented me on my parking today.

They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.

Dad: Son, do we have any 'dop ted'?

Son: What's a "dop ted"?

Dad: YOU ARE! You're adopted!

Son: Nice one, Dad.

Dad: I'm not your Dad.

A Jewish woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts: "Is there a doctor here?"

A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"

She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

What My Girlfriend Thought on the First Four Dates

1) Good shirt.
2) Nice. A second good shirt.
3) OK, the first shirt again.
4) He has two shirts.

"Jesus loves you."

A nice thing to hear in church. And a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

I said to a fat girl today...

I said to a fat girl today,

"You're a big girl!"

She replied, "Tell me something I don't know."

I said, "Salad tastes nice"

Tender touching

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me...

'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'

'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'

A woman walks by a clothes shop, and spots a nice red dress in the window.

She goes inside to inquire:

Woman: Hi. I want to try on that red dress in the window.

Employee: Well, as you wish, but we have changing rooms too.

i really like the name saturn

it has a nice ring to it

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

How does a girl greet Bill Cosby on their 2nd date?

"Nice to meet you"

It's not nice to make fun of the obese...

...They have enough on their plate.

My nephew is in the 'why' phase of his life as a 6 year old...

and I told him 'Because it feels nice and you're an unreliable witness!'

I said to my girlfriend.....

I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."

Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded."

What fun that was...

Henry Winkler on a plane

Henry Winkler is a passenger on a plane and the flight attendant asks him, "Would you like some headphones?"

He replies, "Yes, that would be very nice, but it's pronounced 'Fonz'."

fishing by the river

A man and his friend were fishing by the river when a funeral procession approached. The man stood up, took off his hat, and waited for the procession to pass, and sat back down. His friend said,"That was very respectful of you, very nice." The man then replied,"Well we were married for 40 years."

I have a vegan girlfriend...

and she's nice and all, but sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot

If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood...

she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

So a mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here. You're always ruining jokes."

The mushroom says "Come on. I'm a nice guy."

A woman and a man standing in an elevator...

The man asks: "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to donate my blood"
"How much do they pay for that" - asks the man
"About $30"
"Wow, all that blood for $30? I'm going to donate sperm now, and the sperm bank is giving me $100". Frustrated, the woman leaves the elevator.
The next day they meets again, and the man says: "Nice to meet you again, where are you heading today?". "Two teh spehm bahnk" - she replies with her mouth full

I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children."

I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

That's a nice ham you got there.

It'd be a shame if someone put an "s" before it and an "e" after it.

Guy calls in on radio show

**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'
**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?
**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan

That's a nice ham you got there

It would be a shame if someone put an "s" in front of it and an "e" behind it

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife's hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.

Rick Astley is such a nice guy

He'll let you borrow any of his Disney Pixar DVD collection! Except Up!

He's Never Gonna Give You Up

When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen

I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.

A joke most likely to get me banned by Ellen Pao

So, a man walks into a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

The flattered woman replies, "You really think so?"

The guy says, "Oh of course! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

"Honey, you're not really nice to your son"

"Which one do you mean? Steve, John or the fat one?"

That's a nice shamrock you've got there.

It would be a shame if someone replaced the -rock with an e.

Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn

He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

A man lost $100 bill

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked...

"How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

Fat girl on a table

I went to bar , and there was a fat girl dancing on the tables

" nice legs" I said
" you think so?" She replied
" Sure,most tables would have collapsed by now!"

What are the funniest nice jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Nice? Well, here are the best Nice puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Nice pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes