Nice English Jokes
13 nice english jokes and hilarious nice english puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nice english that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Nice English Short Jokes
Short nice english jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nice english humour may include short bad english jokes also.
- The hitchhiker A guy with 3 eyes, one leg, and no arms is hitchhiking. Suddenly a nice English gent pulls over and says "eye, eye, eye, you look 'armless, hop in."
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What funny jokes about nice english you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean english small jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nice english pranks.
A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.
A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.
At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.
Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.
What happened?
I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.
Okay, that's not nice, but no need to get all misty.
Well, she was still wearing them.
Oh, that's even worse.
Yeah, it ruined her whole f**....
Sorry, no native english speaker, but i guess you get the point.
A fantastic joke from local English comedian Tony Wallace
A man rings his gran and asks how her doctor's appointment went.
"He hit on you? No Gran, I'm sure he was just being nice."
A few seconds pause.
"No Gran, he said you had acute angina."
Swimming
So i translated this Serbian joke (but i dont speak english good) hope that u will get it
Two friends are talking and one say :
-My mom married again, and my step-father is teaching me how to swim!
-So, how is it going?
-Nice! I already learned how to get myself out of the sack!
A man goes to apply for Finnish citizenship.
A man goes to apply for Finnish citizenship. He says to the employee, I want to be a citizen of Finland. The employee responds in broken English.
Employee: You nice?
Man: Um... I suppose so.
Back of line.
What's the problem?
Nice guys Finnish last.
Nice car
When a man saw new cool BMW car of his boss he was amazed:
- Wow! Nice car, - said worker to his boss.
- Well, - said boss, - keep working and next year I will have another, better car)))
PS sorry for mistakes, I'm not English.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
First post please be nice
And English man a Chinese man and an Australian man were in a hot air balloon and it started to got down, the English man said quick we need to get rid of stuff we don't need so he throws out a tea p**... and a mug, and says "we have to many of these in our country" the Chinese man throws out some chop sticks and noodles and says "we have to many of these in our country" then the Australian man picks up the Chinese man throws him out and promptly says "we have to many of these in our country"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Justice has been served [long, English humour]
Justice has been served!
There's been some scumbag called Carl going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on while helping himself to whatever he wanted!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley coz of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone.
A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store...
A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines" said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines." insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality." the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here." fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines." the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed "Eso sí que es!".
"Well, if you could spell it, why didn't you do that in the beginning?" asked the exasperated salesgirl.
A man was sitting on a blanket at the ocean beach. He had no arms & no legs.
Three women, the first from England, the second from Wales and the third from
Ireland, were walking past the poor man feeling sorry for him.
The English woman said: "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave
him a nice warm hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave
him a gentle kiss and walked on.
The Irish woman came to him and said: "Av ya ever been fooked before, Laddie? The
man broke into a big smile and said, "No I haven't."
She said, "Aye Lad, ya will be when the tide comes in."
The Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued:
"Have you any grounds?"
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
It's made of concrete.
"I don' think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
No, we have carport, and not need one.
"I mean what are your relations like?"
All my relations still in Poland .
" Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
"Does your wife beat you up?"
No, I'm always up before her each morning.
"Is your wife a nagger?"
No, she white.
"Why do you want this divorce?"
She going to kill me.
"What makes you think that?"
I got proof.
"What kind of proof?"
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say:
POLISH REMOVER
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!" The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house."
LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge."
LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations live in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound."
LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I’m always up before her."
LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me!"
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover."