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Newspaper Jokes

123 newspaper jokes and hilarious newspaper puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about newspaper that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Find out what everyone is laughing about with these hilarious jokes featuring newspaper headlines, april fool's pranks, cartoons, obituaries, and more. Get ready for a good time as we explore how newspapers and newspapers jokes can bring a little humor into our lives.

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Funniest Newspaper Short Jokes

Short newspaper jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The newspaper humour may include short magazine jokes also.

  1. I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper... She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
    That fly didn't stand a chance.
  2. I asked my daughter to bring me my newspaper She told me that newspapers are oldschool. She said me that people nowadays use tablets and handed me her iPad
    That fly didn't stand a chance
  3. I asked my Granddaughter to give me the newspaper. She said that newspapers are so out of date, and that people now use tablets, so she handed me her iPad. That Fly didn't stand a chance.
  4. Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can't survive a slap from a newspaper. This shows how toxic the media is.
  5. Now how's he going to read the newspaper, all rolled up like that?" ...thought the spider.
  6. A Soviet newspaper announces: "Last night, the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Station fulfilled the Five Year Plan for heat energy generation..."
    "...in four microseconds."
  7. I've run out of toilet paper and started to use old newspapers instead. The Times are rough
  8. Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly This shows how toxic the media is
  9. I asked my wife for a newspaper. She said not to be daft and to borrow her iPad. That spider didn't know what hit it.
  10. I asked my wife for the newspaper I said to my wife, "Get me a newspaper."
    "Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."
    The spider didn't see that coming.

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Newspaper One Liners

Which newspaper one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with newspaper? I can suggest the ones about news media and news report.

  1. Girl are you a newspaper? Cause you've got a new issue every day.
  2. I ran out of toilet paper so I started using old newspapers The Times are rough
  3. What newspaper does a triangle read? ...the *hypotenews*
  4. My local newspaper is running an innuendo competition. I might enter my sister.
  5. Women are like newspaper articles... They have a new issue every freaking day
  6. I'm reading the newspaper with a vengeance. This time it's personals.
  7. I ran out of toilet paper, so I used newspaper instead... The Times are rough.
  8. Newspapers tend to lack nuance. Everything's in Black and White.
  9. Spiders are making newspaper headlines. Well, the ones in my house are.
  10. Which is the most dangerous page of the newspaper? C4.
  11. Why did the dinosaur newspaper shutdown? Their ratings were killed by social meteor
  12. I might as well call my ex newspaper Because there's always a new issue every day.
  13. I read on the news that drinking is bad for you So I quit reading the newspaper.
  14. The newspaper lacks nuance Everything's black and white
  15. What's a zergling's favourite newspaper? The Guardian.

Newspaper Headlines Jokes

Here is a list of funny newspaper headlines jokes and even better newspaper headlines puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me." The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."
  • A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum. He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.
    Headline in the local newspaper next day read,
    "Nut Screws Washer and Bolts .
  • "I wish..." "I wish I was rich.", I said while throwing a coin into a wishing well.
    Reading the newspaper the next day, the front page headline was:
    "Rare coin worth millions found in well"
  • Did you see the newspaper headlines about the Christmas Eve robbery at the German bakery? It said… STOLLEN STOLEN!!
  • A Bostonian shooter opens fire on a Catholic meeting, killing 28 and injuring dozens more. The newspaper headline the next day reads:
    "A Massive Massacre Occurs at Mass in Massachusetts."
  • Eight mexicans drowned in the lake over the weekend. The newspaper headline was "Ocho Sinko"
  • If Chippendales goes to a national park and rescues the park rangers.. Would the headline in the newspaper be Chippendales rescue rangers?
  • Cause and Effect in the News A newspaper editor missed this headline: "State population to double by 2040; babies to blame."
  • Small one A midget fortune teller escapes with some money and is not found by the police. Headline in the next day's newspaper:
    Small medium at large.
  • Newspapers are missing the obvious headline for Target's Canadian stores closing down... TARGET MISSES THE MARK

Newspaper Editor Jokes

Here is a list of funny newspaper editor jokes and even better newspaper editor puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A failed tv presenter, a disgraced newspaper editor and a phone hacker walk into a bar.... ..and the barman says "What'll it be, Piers?"
  • what happens when the newspaper editor meets the cannibal chief? He becomes editor-in-chief.
  • I don't think I'm well-suited for this job as a newspaper editor. Even my blood is a Type O!
  • She was upset when the Sunday puzzle's clues were wrong She called the newspaper's editor, and had cross words with him
Newspaper joke, She was upset when the Sunday puzzle's clues were wrong

Newspaper April Fools Jokes

Here is a list of funny newspaper april fools jokes and even better newspaper april fools puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • April Fools Day............ The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
Newspaper joke, April Fools Day............

Comical Newspaper Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter

What funny jokes about newspaper you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean news reports jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make newspaper pranks.

I was visiting my granddaughter the other day and asked to borrow a newspaper.

It's 2019, we don't buy newspapers anymore. Here's my iPad.
I'll tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him.

Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, r**... a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away?

The newspaper headlines the next day read:
#**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#

Three nuns at the pearly gates with St. Peter.

St. Peter tells the nuns, "since you've all dedicated your lives to God, we will let you go back and live as anyone you'd like to."
The first nun says, "I'd like to be Mother Theresa", and Peter says, "No problem."
The second nun says, "I'd like to return as Princess Diana", and Peter says, "Sure thing."
The third nun says, "I'd like to be Sarah Pippilini." St. Peter says, "I'm sorry sister but I don't know who that is." The nun holds up a newspaper and points to the headline.
St. Peter laughs and says, "No, no sister that doesn't say 'Sarah Pippilini'; it says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'."

Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.

A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "v**... Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."

A Brazilian people killed.

One day a man is sitting next to a blond woman who is reading the newspaper.
She is visibly upset while reading a particular article. He can't help but look over and see what she's reading. He sees the headline
"s**... b**... kill two Brazilian men on bus".
He understands why she is upset now, so he strikes up a conversation with her.
She confesses "I have seen these before, but this is getting crazy. I mean, two Brazilian men killed? How many is in a Brazilian again?"

I read in an American newspaper last night "15 die in twister"...

...I don't think you're playing it right.

Death Notice

An old man and his wife had just moved to Australia when the wife passed away after a s**.... While talking to the neighbour about her passing, it was mentioned that in their new country, it is common to announce deaths with a classified ad in that section of the newspaper. Well, the old man decides that's a great idea and heads back home to dial the newspaper.
"Hi there, I'd like to place a death notice."
"OK then. Firstly, sorry for your loss. Now what would you like it to say?"
"Have it say, "Ruth died.""
"Well, um, that's, um, somewhat blunt, but the minimum charge is for five words. Is there anything else you'd like to add?"
"OK. Let me think, um... "Ruth died. Toyota for sale.""

What do you call a teacher that doesn't f**... in public?

A private tutor (tooter)
Heard it from a guy on the street selling newspapers in front of the art institute in chicago.

New Old House

While carpenters were busy working outside the old house I just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workers came in and asked to use the washroom. I looked at his muddy boots and said "Just wait a second, Ill grab some newspapers"
"That's alright lady," he responded, "I'm already trained."

Last day for your taxes

A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking.
Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's t**... and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's t**..., the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

I asked my husband for the newspaper. "Don't be silly," he said. "Use my iPad."

That spider never knew what hit it.

A 3 foot tall psychic escapes prison, then he gets a look at the newspaper

"Small medium at large"

A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....

.
---
### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
---
.

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

Father, what causes arthritis?

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''

Morris Schwartz is dying and on his deathbed.

He is surrounded by his nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."
Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the s**... had a newspaper route."

We had a big storm on the weekend, we had a b**... and you couldn't go outside. After a while the batteries on my laptop and phone had run out so I read the newspaper and finished my latest book. After that there was nothing to do so I sat down and talked to my wife for an hour or so.

She seems quite nice.

A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...

Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.
"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.
The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."

So an old Jewish man dies

So an old Jewish man dies and as per his last wish, his son goes to the newspaper publisher and asks, "How much for an obituary in your newspaper?"
Publisher says, "$5 per word".
The son says, "Publish 'Jacob Goldberg Dead' ".
The publisher says, "We require minimum 6 words".
So the son says, "In that case make it 'Jacob Goldberg Dead, Wheelchair For Sale' ".

Newspaper and IPAD

I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. "Don't be silly", she replied. "Borrow my iPad." .... That spider didn't knew what f***ing hit it.

I submitted 10 puns to a local newspaper, hoping one would make it in.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I asked my girlfriend if she could get me a newspaper

"Don`t be silly", she replied, "you can borrow my ipad".
That fly never knew what hit it.

Did you hear the newspaper headline about the escaped lunatic who r**... a woman and ran away?

"Nut screws and bolts".

21st Century

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."
I can tell you, that friggin' fly never knew what hit it ...

Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Man escapes from insane asylum, and has s**... with a girl in a laundry mat.

The newspaper the next day reads:
"Nut screws washers and bolts."

My local newspaper ran a pun writing contest

I entered my ten best puns hoping one would win, sadly no pun in ten did

I can never talk to my Dad at breakfast because he still reads newspapers.

I guess you could say he's behind The Times.

An old Jewish man dies.

His last wish to his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word.
He says then print "Solomon dead". The newspaper tell him they require minimum 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it "Solomon dead, wheelchair for sale".

Value of a season ticket!

A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said A her husband,
'Look at this, dear. There's an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldn't do a thing like that,-would you?'
'Of course I wouldn't!' replied her husband. 'The season's almost over!'

I was visiting my daughter last night and asked if I could borrow the newspaper...

"This is the 21st Century". She said
"We don't waste money on newspapers, here use this iPad."
All I can tell you is this.
That fly never knew what hit him.

A rather drunk fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.

'Excuse me,' said the woman sitting next to him. "But, would you mind explaining why you're doing this?
"It scares away the elephants,' replied the drunk. "But I don't see any elephants around here,' said the woman
"Effective, isn't it?" crowed the drunk.

I asked my girlfriend to get me a newspaper...

She said, "Nobody uses newspapers anymore use my iPad" and she was right, that spider died in one swing!

Boy selling newspapers

A boy is selling newspapers in a street corner when a man walks up to him and says "W-w-what t-t-time is it b-boy?" The boy looks at him but doesn't say anything. "I a-asked you a q-question b-boy, W-w-what t-t-time is it?" Again the boy doesn't say anything. The man is getting angry at this point and says "D-d**... boy, I asked y-you a q-question and I e-expect an a-answer. W-w-what time is it?" The boy still doesn't answer and the man storms off.
Another man comes up and asks why the kid didn't answer and the boy says "And d-do w-w-what? Get the sh-s**... k-kicked out of me?"

A man entered a pun contest in the newspaper

He entered ten of his best puns hoping that at least one of them would win. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.

A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"
The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".

I caught my wife having s**... with my best friend.

So I rolled up a newspaper and told him he was a bad boy.

The wife looks at herself in the mirror and complain to her husband: I am so ugly and wrinkle and fat. Do I even have any good traits?

The husband put down his newspaper and slowly answer: Your eyesight is excellent darling

A grandmother goes to the doctor

A grandmother goes to the doctor and asks: "Where is the heart?"
The doctor answers: "2 centimetres below the n**..."
Next day in the newspaper: "Woman tries to commit s**... and shoots herself in the knee"

A football team loses its star player Dante d**... due to an injury...

The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without d**...."
Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.
The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with d**... out."

Old Soviet joke.

Reagan and Gorbachev run a marathon.
Reagan won.
Next day US newspapers: Reagan won. Gorgachev lost .
Soviet newspapers: Gorbachev finished second. Reagan finished next to last .

Did you see the story in the newspaper about the s**... attack at the laundry?

The headline read "Nut screws washers and bolts"

An old married couple are sitting at the table

The wife suddenly rolls up a newspaper, walks over and smacks him in the head with it.
"Ow!" the old man exclaims, "What was that for?!?!" he asks.

The wife says "For 50 years of bad s**...."
A few minutes later, the husband rolls up a newspaper, walks over, and hits her in the head with it.
The wife yells back "And what was that for?!?!"
The husband says "For knowing the difference."

My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had s**... education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have s**... before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.

One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear programme and the suffering economy and growing antisemitism across Europe…" He points to the antisemitic rag. "Now I read this and I feel much better. Turns out there's actually a Jewish global conspiracy and we control the entire world."

A couple of italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"Actress?"
"I don't know."
"Singer?"
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
 
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "

Dickens " A tale of two cities " was originally published in two local newspapers.

It was the Bicester times, it was the Worcester times...

Two Married Unicorns are Lying in Bed

The husband Unicorn, without looking up from his newspaper, says big storm's a brewin . The wife Unicorn then replies, well then I'm glad we didn't go on that cruise with your whack job friend Noah!

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren't sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.
Wow said someone in the back. Imagine the score he could've gotten if he wasn't sick

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night

He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.
When he returned, the drunk remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."
"There was no trouble with the whiskey," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."

A boy selling newspapers on the street

Keeps walking around the streets with newspapers while waving one around and shouting: Mass fraud! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled!
o**... quickly runs to the boy and buys a newspaper. as soon as he has it in his hand he starts flicking through the pages.
The boy continues walking while waving another newspaper: Mass fraud! Mass fraud! One hundred one people have been fooled!

A vietnamese farmer was working in the rice p**... field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.
The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;
'All of them'
'No just 3', replies the kid
'Damn it'
The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.

An old man and his grand daughter were sitting together in a room

The grandfather says to his grand daughter;
' Susie, get me a newspaper, will ya'
The grand daughter says;
' Oh grandpa you are such a boring boomer, it's the 21st century we normal human beings use phones now'. 'Here take my phone', she hands over her phone to the old man.
The grandfather then takes her phone and throws it at the spider sitting on the wall

I asked my Granddaughter to hand me the newspaper. She told me newspapers are outdated, and everyone now uses tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper left outside my front door.

I must have fallen on some hard Times.

A man asked his daughter to give him the newspaper

A man asked his daughter to give him the newspaper. "Newspapers are old" she said, and gave him the ipad instead.
The fly did not stand a chance

A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:

"Doctor, where is the heart?"
To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left n**..."
The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.
A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper
"Elderly woman wants to commit s**..., shoots herself in the knee"

I got arrested today - apparently it's "i**..." to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.

Driving s**... nowdays.

In Self Defense

Tenant - "I simply won't stay here any longer. Those people above me banged on the floor early this morning, slammed doors, and jumped up and down as hard as they could. I won't stand it, I tell you!"
Landlady - "They woke you up, I suppose?"
Tenant - "No, I hadn't gone to bed yet. I was practicing on my saxophone."
Source: 1933 Newspaper

Newspaper joke, In Self Defense

jokes about newspaper