Newspaper Jokes
120 newspaper jokes and hilarious newspaper puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about newspaper that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Find out what everyone is laughing about with these hilarious jokes featuring newspaper headlines, april fool's pranks, cartoons, obituaries, and more. Get ready for a good time as we explore how newspapers and newspapers jokes can bring a little humor into our lives.
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Funniest Newspaper Short Jokes
Short newspaper jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The newspaper humour may include short magazine jokes also.
- I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper... She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn't stand a chance. - Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can't survive a slap from a newspaper. This shows how toxic the media is.
- Now how's he going to read the newspaper, all rolled up like that?" ...thought the spider.
- A Soviet newspaper announces: "Last night, the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Station fulfilled the Five Year Plan for heat energy generation..."
"...in four microseconds." - Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly This shows how toxic the media is
- I asked my wife for a newspaper. She said not to be daft and to borrow her iPad. That spider didn't know what hit it.
- A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me." The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."
- I read in an American newspaper last night "15 die in twister"... ...I don't think you're playing it right.
- A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum. He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.
Headline in the local newspaper next day read,
"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts . - I asked my girlfriend if she could get me a newspaper "Don`t be silly", she replied, "you can borrow my ipad".
That fly never knew what hit it.
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Newspaper One Liners
Which newspaper one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with newspaper? I can suggest the ones about news media and news report.
- Girl are you a newspaper? Cause you've got a new issue every day.
- What newspaper does a triangle read? ...the *hypotenews*
- My local newspaper is running an innuendo competition. I might enter my sister.
- Women are like newspaper articles... They have a new issue every freaking day
- I'm reading the newspaper with a vengeance. This time it's personals.
- Newspapers tend to lack nuance. Everything's in Black and White.
- Spiders are making newspaper headlines. Well, the ones in my house are.
- Which is the most dangerous page of the newspaper? C4.
- Why did the dinosaur newspaper shutdown? Their ratings were killed by social meteor
- I might as well call my ex newspaper Because there's always a new issue every day.
- What's a zergling's favourite newspaper? The Guardian.
- What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos. - Aim for the stars. Even if you miss, you'll land on the front page of the newspaper.
- Which newspaper is most popular around cows? The Moo York Times
- What do Polar Bears contribute to the local newspaper? The Arcticles.
Newspaper Headlines Jokes
Here is a list of funny newspaper headlines jokes and even better newspaper headlines puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "I wish..." "I wish I was rich.", I said while throwing a coin into a wishing well.
Reading the newspaper the next day, the front page headline was:
"Rare coin worth millions found in well" - Did you see the newspaper headlines about the Christmas Eve robbery at the German bakery? It said… STOLLEN STOLEN!!
- A Bostonian shooter opens fire on a Catholic meeting, killing 28 and injuring dozens more. The newspaper headline the next day reads:
"A Massive Massacre Occurs at Mass in Massachusetts." - Eight mexicans drowned in the lake over the weekend. The newspaper headline was "Ocho Sinko"
- If Chippendales goes to a national park and rescues the park rangers.. Would the headline in the newspaper be Chippendales rescue rangers?
- Cause and Effect in the News A newspaper editor missed this headline: "State population to double by 2040; babies to blame."
- Newspapers are missing the obvious headline for Target's Canadian stores closing down... TARGET MISSES THE MARK
- I was reading a newspaper, and the headline said,"America is without a leader!" I said,"That's unpresidented!"
Newspaper Editor Jokes
Here is a list of funny newspaper editor jokes and even better newspaper editor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A failed tv presenter, a disgraced newspaper editor and a phone hacker walk into a bar.... ..and the barman says "What'll it be, Piers?"
- what happens when the newspaper editor meets the cannibal chief? He becomes editor-in-chief.
- I don't think I'm well-suited for this job as a newspaper editor. Even my blood is a Type O!
- She was upset when the Sunday puzzle's clues were wrong She called the newspaper's editor, and had cross words with him
Newspaper April Fools Jokes
Here is a list of funny newspaper april fools jokes and even better newspaper april fools puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- April Fools Day............ The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
Comical Newspaper Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about newspaper you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean journal jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make newspaper pranks.
Three nuns at the pearly gates with St. Peter.
St. Peter tells the nuns, "since you've all dedicated your lives to God, we will let you go back and live as anyone you'd like to."
The first nun says, "I'd like to be Mother Theresa", and Peter says, "No problem."
The second nun says, "I'd like to return as Princess Diana", and Peter says, "Sure thing."
The third nun says, "I'd like to be Sarah Pippilini." St. Peter says, "I'm sorry sister but I don't know who that is." The nun holds up a newspaper and points to the headline.
St. Peter laughs and says, "No, no sister that doesn't say 'Sarah Pippilini'; it says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.
A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "v**... Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Brazilian people killed.
One day a man is sitting next to a blond woman who is reading the newspaper.
She is visibly upset while reading a particular article. He can't help but look over and see what she's reading. He sees the headline
"s**... b**... kill two Brazilian men on bus".
He understands why she is upset now, so he strikes up a conversation with her.
She confesses "I have seen these before, but this is getting crazy. I mean, two Brazilian men killed? How many is in a Brazilian again?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Death Notice
An old man and his wife had just moved to Australia when the wife passed away after a s**.... While talking to the neighbour about her passing, it was mentioned that in their new country, it is common to announce deaths with a classified ad in that section of the newspaper. Well, the old man decides that's a great idea and heads back home to dial the newspaper.
"Hi there, I'd like to place a death notice."
"OK then. Firstly, sorry for your loss. Now what would you like it to say?"
"Have it say, "Ruth died.""
"Well, um, that's, um, somewhat blunt, but the minimum charge is for five words. Is there anything else you'd like to add?"
"OK. Let me think, um... "Ruth died. Toyota for sale.""
A woman gets up in the morning.
She enters the bathroom, brushes her teeth, gets dressed and finally steps onto the weighing scale.
She looks down to see the results, and suddenly starts screaming happily.
"HONEY, I've lost 6kg since yesterday!", she yells.
The husband looks up from his newspaper and answers:
"Don't be so surprised, you haven't put on your make up yet!"
New Old House
While carpenters were busy working outside the old house I just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workers came in and asked to use the washroom. I looked at his muddy boots and said "Just wait a second, Ill grab some newspapers"
"That's alright lady," he responded, "I'm already trained."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last day for your taxes
A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking.
Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's t**... and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's t**..., the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
As anyone with a journalism degree will tell you...
The fact Superman got a job with a newspaper at the end is the strangest thing to happen in that movie.
A 3 foot tall psychic escapes prison, then he gets a look at the newspaper
"Small medium at large"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....
.
---
### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
---
.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
Father, what causes arthritis?
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morris Schwartz is dying and on his deathbed.
He is surrounded by his nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."
Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the s**... had a newspaper route."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We had a big storm on the weekend, we had a b**... and you couldn't go outside. After a while the batteries on my laptop and phone had run out so I read the newspaper and finished my latest book. After that there was nothing to do so I sat down and talked to my wife for an hour or so.
She seems quite nice.
A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.
"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.
The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."
Newspapers
The paperboy didn't deliver my newspaper this morning, so I snuck next door and took the neighbours.
In hindsight, kidnapping might have been a little excessive
A man goes into the bathroom to take a dump.
When he's done, he realizes there's no toilet paper. Knocking on the stall next to him, he asks, "Hey, do have an extra roll of toilet paper?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have a newspaper?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have an old handkerchief?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have change for a five?"
Got this one from my grandpa.
A kid was selling newspapers...
A kid was selling newspapers. He was yelling, "Boy cheats 100 fools!" to catch people's attention. A man walking by was interested and bought a newspaper. As he walked away with the newspaper, he heard the boy start yelling, "Boy cheats 101 fools!"
21st Century
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."
I can tell you, that friggin' fly never knew what hit it ...
Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Reincarnation
I stole this from a comment thread in a local newspaper.
Here we go:
I was talking to my ex wife once about reincarnation.
She asked, "What actually is reincarnation?"
I said to her, "Well, it's when you die and come back as something completely different."
"So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimed.
I said, "You're not listening are you...?"
Made the mistake of letting my east coast newspaper freeze on the steps this winter...
I've fallen on some hard Times.
When I was your age, my mom sent me to the store with a quarter and I came back with a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, and a newspaper.
But you can't do that anymore because there's too many surveillance cameras.
I can never talk to my Dad at breakfast because he still reads newspapers.
I guess you could say he's behind The Times.
An old Jewish man dies.
His last wish to his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word.
He says then print "Solomon dead". The newspaper tell him they require minimum 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it "Solomon dead, wheelchair for sale".
Value of a season ticket!
A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said A her husband,
'Look at this, dear. There's an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldn't do a thing like that,-would you?'
'Of course I wouldn't!' replied her husband. 'The season's almost over!'
The smartest dog
One day, two women were arguing about whose dog is smarter.
The first woman says, "My dog's so smart, every morning he waits for the paper-boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."
The second woman replies, "I know.."
The first woman, surprisingly ask, "How do YOU know?"
The second woman says, "My dog told me."
A rather drunk fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.
'Excuse me,' said the woman sitting next to him. "But, would you mind explaining why you're doing this?
"It scares away the elephants,' replied the drunk. "But I don't see any elephants around here,' said the woman
"Effective, isn't it?" crowed the drunk.
This actually happened to me yesterday with my grandpa
Grandpa: *pointing to the newspaper* hey buddy, can you hand me the sports section
Grandson: sure *hands him the sports section*
Grandpa: no, no, no, not that *he reaches over and grabs a different section*
Grandson: but that's the obituaries grandpa...
Grandpa: yeah but when you're my age this is the sports sections
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Boy selling newspapers
A boy is selling newspapers in a street corner when a man walks up to him and says "W-w-what t-t-time is it b-boy?" The boy looks at him but doesn't say anything. "I a-asked you a q-question b-boy, W-w-what t-t-time is it?" Again the boy doesn't say anything. The man is getting angry at this point and says "D-d**... boy, I asked y-you a q-question and I e-expect an a-answer. W-w-what time is it?" The boy still doesn't answer and the man storms off.
Another man comes up and asks why the kid didn't answer and the boy says "And d-do w-w-what? Get the sh-s**... k-kicked out of me?"
Retraction
The following headline appeared in the daily newspaper and threw the city hall into an uproar: "Half the city council are crooks."
A retraction in full was demanded of the editor under the threat of a libel suit. Next afternoon, the headline read, "Half the city council aren't crooks."
How many???
A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age
and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"
The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I caught my wife having s**... with my best friend.
So I rolled up a newspaper and told him he was a bad boy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The wife looks at herself in the mirror and complain to her husband: I am so ugly and wrinkle and fat. Do I even have any good traits?
The husband put down his newspaper and slowly answer: Your eyesight is excellent darling
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A football team loses its star player Dante d**... due to an injury...
The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without d**...."
Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.
The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with d**... out."
Old Soviet joke.
Reagan and Gorbachev run a marathon.
Reagan won.
Next day US newspapers: Reagan won. Gorgachev lost .
Soviet newspapers: Gorbachev finished second. Reagan finished next to last .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you see the story in the newspaper about the s**... attack at the laundry?
The headline read "Nut screws washers and bolts"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old married couple are sitting at the table
The wife suddenly rolls up a newspaper, walks over and smacks him in the head with it.
"Ow!" the old man exclaims, "What was that for?!?!" he asks.
The wife says "For 50 years of bad s**...."
A few minutes later, the husband rolls up a newspaper, walks over, and hits her in the head with it.
The wife yells back "And what was that for?!?!"
The husband says "For knowing the difference."
A man and a and his wife are having breakfast
As the wife is reading the newspaper, she comes across a strange article.
It says here that they've found a 12,000 year old skeleton frozen in a glacier, and evidently it's a woman. Now how do you think they knew it was a woman?
The husband replies with:
Well it's simple.
How is it so simple?
It's mouth was still open.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I rolled up a newspaper to hit a black widow.
I was then removed from the f**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
From the death notice of a local newspaper: After a very hard and painfull life, Mr. Miller finally found his peace...
The f**... of his wife Mathilda will take place on the 26th of December.
A couple of italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang
One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"Actress?"
"I don't know."
"Singer?"
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."
The only thing I can take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is fish and chips...
... and even that I take with a pinch of salt.
One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "
Dickens " A tale of two cities " was originally published in two local newspapers.
It was the Bicester times, it was the Worcester times...
Two Married Unicorns are Lying in Bed
The husband Unicorn, without looking up from his newspaper, says big storm's a brewin . The wife Unicorn then replies, well then I'm glad we didn't go on that cruise with your whack job friend Noah!
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
Found an old joke from a 1953 newspaper: What do naughty Egyptian girls become?
Mummies, I guess.
The stereotype of Persians used to be that they're very cheap.
A Persian man's wife died. After the burial he called the newspaper to write the obituary.
Put 'Sarah died' he said
*Sir, you're not paying us by word, it's a flat rate... you can write a whole sentence if you like.*
Put 'Sarah died yesterday'
*Sir, you can add six more words and I'll charge you for a sentence*
Put '86 Mazda for sale, low mileage''
A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren't sick.
He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.
Wow said someone in the back. Imagine the score he could've gotten if he wasn't sick
A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night
He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.
When he returned, the drunk remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."
"There was no trouble with the whiskey," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy selling newspapers on the street
Keeps walking around the streets with newspapers while waving one around and shouting: Mass fraud! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled!
o**... quickly runs to the boy and buys a newspaper. as soon as he has it in his hand he starts flicking through the pages.
The boy continues walking while waving another newspaper: Mass fraud! Mass fraud! One hundred one people have been fooled!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A vietnamese farmer was working in the rice p**... field when he sees his son running to him
'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.
The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;
'All of them'
'No just 3', replies the kid
'Damn it'
The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.
An old man and his grand daughter were sitting together in a room
The grandfather says to his grand daughter;
' Susie, get me a newspaper, will ya'
The grand daughter says;
' Oh grandpa you are such a boring boomer, it's the 21st century we normal human beings use phones now'. 'Here take my phone', she hands over her phone to the old man.
The grandfather then takes her phone and throws it at the spider sitting on the wall
Old Russian man buys a newspaper.
He looks at the front page, and tosses it away. The next day, he buys a newspaper, looks at the front page, then tosses it away. The 3rd day in a row, he buys a newspaper looks at the front page, and again, tosses it away. This time the newspaper stand attendant asks him why he tossed the newspaper away after just looking at the front page. The old man says, I'm looking for an obituary. The newspaper stand attendant says, everyone knows the obituaries are not on the front page. There old man replies, the one I'm looking for will be.
A newspaper kiosk in Russia
Man comes in, buys a newspaper, browses the headlines and throws it away.
This repeats day after day, after a while the kiosk owner asks "Say, why do you buy a newspaper but only read the headlines, what are you looking for?"
"An obituary"
"But they are way back in the newspaper."
"The one I'm looking for will be a headline"
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper left outside my front door.
I must have fallen on some hard Times.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:
"Doctor, where is the heart?"
To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left n**..."
The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.
A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper
"Elderly woman wants to commit s**..., shoots herself in the knee"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got arrested today - apparently it's "i**..." to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.
Driving s**... nowdays.
In Self Defense
Tenant - "I simply won't stay here any longer. Those people above me banged on the floor early this morning, slammed doors, and jumped up and down as hard as they could. I won't stand it, I tell you!"
Landlady - "They woke you up, I suppose?"
Tenant - "No, I hadn't gone to bed yet. I was practicing on my saxophone."
Source: 1933 Newspaper
When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.
"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"
"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."
Source: 1913 newspaper
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two lawyers before an American judge recently got into a wrangle
At last one of the disputants, losing control over his emotions, exclaimed to his opponent, "Sir, you are, I think the biggest fool that I ever had the misfortune to set eyes upon."
"Order! Order!" said the judge gravely. "You seem to forget that I am in the room."
Source: 1913 newspaper
