Newspaper Headlines Jokes

47 newspaper headlines jokes and hilarious newspaper headlines puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about newspaper headlines that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Newspaper Headlines Short Jokes

Short newspaper headlines jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The newspaper headlines humour may include short newspaper jokes also.

  1. A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me." The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."
  2. A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum. He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.
    Headline in the local newspaper next day read,
    "Nut Screws Washer and Bolts .
  3. "I wish..." "I wish I was rich.", I said while throwing a coin into a wishing well.
    Reading the newspaper the next day, the front page headline was:
    "Rare coin worth millions found in well"
  4. Did you see the newspaper headlines about the Christmas Eve robbery at the German bakery? It said… STOLLEN STOLEN!!
  5. A Bostonian shooter opens fire on a Catholic meeting, killing 28 and injuring dozens more. The newspaper headline the next day reads:
    "A Massive Massacre Occurs at Mass in Massachusetts."
  6. Eight mexicans drowned in the lake over the weekend. The newspaper headline was "Ocho Sinko"
  7. If Chippendales goes to a national park and rescues the park rangers.. Would the headline in the newspaper be Chippendales rescue rangers?
  8. Cause and Effect in the News A newspaper editor missed this headline: "State population to double by 2040; babies to blame."
  9. Small one A midget fortune teller escapes with some money and is not found by the police. Headline in the next day's newspaper:
    Small medium at large.
  10. Newspapers are missing the obvious headline for Target's Canadian stores closing down... TARGET MISSES THE MARK

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Newspaper Headlines One Liners

Which newspaper headlines one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with newspaper headlines? I can suggest the ones about news reports and news report.

  1. Spiders are making newspaper headlines. Well, the ones in my house are.
  2. Four Mexicans drowned over the weekend Newspaper headline: Quatro sinko

Newspaper Headlines Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about newspaper headlines you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean newspaper editor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make newspaper headlines pranks.

A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog.

He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.
The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl"
"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says.
"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother.
"But I'm not an American," the man says.
"What are you then?" asks the mother.
"I'm an Iranian," the man says.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.

Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, r**... a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away?

The newspaper headlines the next day read:

So a man escaped from a mental asylum.....

So a man escaped from a mental asylum and the first thing he did was head for the local town. In the town he found a laundrette and so he went inside and r**... the workers there.
The next day's newspaper headline was " Nut bolts ,screws washers"

Three nuns at the pearly gates with St. Peter.

St. Peter tells the nuns, "since you've all dedicated your lives to God, we will let you go back and live as anyone you'd like to."
The first nun says, "I'd like to be Mother Theresa", and Peter says, "No problem."
The second nun says, "I'd like to return as Princess Diana", and Peter says, "Sure thing."
The third nun says, "I'd like to be Sarah Pippilini." St. Peter says, "I'm sorry sister but I don't know who that is." The nun holds up a newspaper and points to the headline.
St. Peter laughs and says, "No, no sister that doesn't say 'Sarah Pippilini'; it says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'."

Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.

A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "v**... Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."

A Brazilian people killed.

One day a man is sitting next to a blond woman who is reading the newspaper.
She is visibly upset while reading a particular article. He can't help but look over and see what she's reading. He sees the headline
"s**... b**... kill two Brazilian men on bus".
He understands why she is upset now, so he strikes up a conversation with her.
She confesses "I have seen these before, but this is getting crazy. I mean, two Brazilian men killed? How many is in a Brazilian again?"

The Pope visits Las Vegas

The Pope was making a widely publicised and controversial visit to Las Vegas. His publicity advisors warned him that the trip would be fraught with risks, but the holy man insisted that the gambling capital of the world was exactly the kind of place that the church should be trying to spread its message. After a long flight, the Pope stepped off the plane to find himself face to face with a horde of television cameras and newspaper journalists. One eager young news hound t**... a microphone at the Pope and asked, "Pope, what is your opinion of the large numbers of brothels in this city?" Mindful of the warnings he'd received from his advisors, he thought carefully for a second and replied tactfully, "Are there any brothels in this city?" The next day he was distraught to see the newspaper's headline which read "Pope's first question: 'Are there any brothels in this city?'"


A man wanted to kill his wife, so he got a hold of a notorious assassin named Arty. The man tells the assassin that his brunette wife shops at the market every Thursday afternoon wearing the same leopard print coat. Since Arty really just enjoyed assassinated people for the fun of it, he only charged the man what he could afford, five dollars.

The next Thursday, Arty stakes out the small market until he spots a brunette woman walk in wearing a leopard coat. He sneaks up behind her while she is in the back corner of the market, and wraps his hands around her neck until she is dead.

Nobody sees him, and he is about to walk out, when another brunette woman walks in wearing a similar leopard print top. To be safe, he walks up to her and strangles her as well. A stock boy see this and alerts the police, who apprehend Arty. He confesses the entire plan, the husband is arrested, and the next day the newspaper reads:

"Arty Chokes at the Market, 2 for $5"

A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....


I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

Bing Crosby

A long time ago, back in the autumn of 1952, when Bing Crosby was
filming the movie "White Christmas" in New Hampshire, the Mayor of
Nashua, NH thought it would be a great idea to have Bing visit their
fair town & present him with the key to the city on the steps of City
Hall. You know, a nice little photo op for the mayor's re-election &
way for some of the town's dignitaries to meet the Great Bing Crosby.
Now one as to remember, Bing Crosby at this time was at the peak of his singing career. He was bigger than Elvis, the Beatles, Sinatra, Lady GaGa & the Beach Boys all put together. He crossed generational lines, admired by young & old as one of the "coolest cats" in the music world.
Well, word leaked out that Bing would be in town so hundreds of
teenagers skipped school to attend the little ceremony. The
authorities were not prepared for such a large crowd, there were only a few policemen present, and things soon got out of hand. Pushing &
shoving began as the teenagers all wanted to get closer to see their hero. It soon looked like the Mayor was going to a have a riot on his hands and he was growing more frantic by the minute. All he wanted was a nice little ceremony with Bing and now he had a full fledged uprising threatening to ruin everything.
Throughout all this Bing was seated in his chair, calmly observing
what was happening. When the crowd started to push through the barricades that were set up, he had had enough. Bing got up, strolled to the microphone & said in a commanding voice, "All right, everyone cool down right now"! The rioting crowd immediately calmed down and the Mayor's little ceremony went on without a hitch & everyone went home happy.
The next day's newspaper headline read: CROSBY STILLS NASHUA YOUNG!!

A football player is seriously ill

On a press conference the coach of a famous football team announces that their best player, George d**..., won't be playing in the next game. After the conference a reporter comes up to the coach and asks "Just wanted to check if you're okay with the headline... it'll be 'Team plays without d**...' "
"Nah, that doesn't sound good. Change it"
So when the coach checked the newspaper the next morning, the headline read "Team plays with d**... out!"


Joe is extremely angry and frustrated with his wife of 20 years and finally decides to find a contract killer to get rid of her. He knows this will cost more money than he has so he asks to borrow some funds from his best friend Arty. Arty surprises Joe by saying, "I have never liked your wife so I will gladly m**... her for only a dollar."
Later, Arty is hiding outside the grocery store where Joe's wife works and as she leaves he drags her behind the store into an alley and strangles her. Just as he is dragging her body behind some bushes, the store manager comes out and sees him. So Arty attacks the manager and strangles him as well. Again, as he hides the body, a clerk comes out of the store so Arty has to do the same thing one more time. By this time, with all of the commotion, the police arrive and discover what has happened. They arrest Arty and the next morning the headline in the town newspaper reads:

So there's this hit man named Arty.

One day an old friend of his calls him up and says he wants these two guys strangled. "How much am I gonna owe you?" His friend says. Arty tells him that because he's his friend, he'll do it for fifty cents each. His friend, truly grateful, thanks him and hangs up.
So that day, Arty finds the two guys and takes them out. Unfortunately the cops show up just then and arrest him. Now this is all over the news across town!
The newspaper comes out the next day saying "Arty Chokes 2 for a Dollar!".
^^^It's ^^^funny ^^^if ^^^you ^^^read ^^^the ^^^headline ^^^fast ^^^and ^^^outloud

A man sees a really attractive woman on a train reading the newspaper he chats her up on today's headline.
He: "So, yesterday was the Nymphomaniacs' Congress. I don't suppose you've attended, did you?"
She: "Well, as a matter of fact, I did."
He: "And? What's new in the world of nymphomaniacs?"
She: "Nothing much, Indians have the longest, the Irish can go the longest, same old, same old."
He: "Oh, where are my manners? The name's a O'Connor. Geronimo O'Connor."

Did you hear the newspaper headline about the escaped lunatic who r**... a woman and ran away?

"Nut screws and bolts".

I was reading a newspaper, and the headline said,"America is without a leader!"

I said,"That's unpresidented!"

An American and a Russian freeze themselves for a 100 years

....taking a bet whose country will be doing better in the future. So they enter the cryo chamber and go to sleep. When they wake up, they buy a newspaper. The Russian takes it and as he reads the headline, he starts smiling.
"The communist party wins the U.S. Elections for the fifth time in a row"
Furious, the American grabs the paper and skims through. Suddenly he starts laughing, so the Russian asks "what could you find? I obviously won!"
The American hands him the paper and points to an article which reads
"Repeated conflicts on the Chinese-Polish border"

What's the difference between a newspaper and a c**... addict?

One has headlines, and the other gives head for lines.

Lunatic escapes from an asylum, goes to a launderette where he rapes three women before running off into the woods. Next morning's newspaper headlines read....


Jokes so Bad that They're Funny

The midget psychic broke out of prison. He was a small medium at large.
A boiled egg in the morning is really hard to beat.
Newspaper headline reads: Cartoonist found dead at home. Details are sketchy.
I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forget how it goes.
Here's a poem by a dog (Bo Burnham): Roses are grey, violets are another shade of grey, let's go chase cars.
The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.
What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late? A cold shoulder.
(I'll see myself out.)

In the 90's Arsenal Soccer Club

Had a player called David d**.... When he was injured,the Newspaper wrote"arsenal to play without d**...". The coach was upset so the Newspaper changed the headline to read"Arsenal to play with d**... out"... A record number of women attended the match


The following headline appeared in the daily newspaper and threw the city hall into an uproar: "Half the city council are crooks."
A retraction in full was demanded of the editor under the threat of a libel suit. Next afternoon, the headline read, "Half the city council aren't crooks."

An old woman is visiting the doctor

"Where exactly in the body is the heart?" she asks.
"About 2 cm under the n**...." the doctor answers.
Headline of the newspaper on the next day:
"Woman tried to commit s**.... Shot herself in the knee instead."

How many???

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

a visitor to georgia saw a vicious dog attack a toddler

He took out his pocket knife, ran over, and stabbed the dog to death.
The mother of the toddler said
"now look here, you have saved my boy.
I happen to be a newspaper reporter, and in this week's newspaper I will personally make the headline:"
"that's great," said the man: "but I'm not from this town".
the reporter said "In that case, the headline will be:"
"but I'm not actually from Georgia," the man said. "I'm from Vermont."
"oh". the reporter scowled
"the headline's gonna be:"

A football team loses its star player Dante d**... due to an injury...

The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without d**...."
Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.
The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with d**... out."

Did you see the story in the newspaper about the s**... attack at the laundry?

The headline read "Nut screws washers and bolts"

Ok a man was at the zoo

And was nearing the lion enclosure. When he gets there he watches the lions and sees a litlle girl fall into the enclosure. The heroic man jumps in,punches the lion in its nose, and saves the girl. The parents thank him and the crowd cheers him. The next morning he turns on the news. The news says
"Heroic man saves girl from lion cage"
He grins at himself and goes on with his day. He notices that a few people are giving him funny looks all holding the same newspaper. The man goes and gets one of these newspapers and the headline reads
"Man beats up african immigrant and steals his lunch."

Foot Heads Arms Body

The army was deciding on how much weaponry should be provided to each unit and each soldier. For this, they set up a committee and the veteran General Samuel Foot was chosen to be the head of it.
The newspapers got wind of this and published it on the front page.
The headline was "Foot Heads Arms Body."

A couple of italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"I don't know."
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."

A newspaper kiosk in Russia

Man comes in, buys a newspaper, browses the headlines and throws it away.
This repeats day after day, after a while the kiosk owner asks "Say, why do you buy a newspaper but only read the headlines, what are you looking for?"
"An obituary"
"But they are way back in the newspaper."
"The one I'm looking for will be a headline"

A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:

"Doctor, where is the heart?"
To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left n**..."
The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.
A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper
"Elderly woman wants to commit s**..., shoots herself in the knee"