News Years Jokes
109 news years jokes and hilarious news years puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about news years that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest News Years Short Jokes
Short news years jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The news years humour may include short new year jokes also.
- Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found. Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.
- Fox News actually saved my life. I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to fox and I had to get up to turn it off.
- The movie titanic turns 25 later this year. In related news, Leonardo DiCaprio said he is no longer interested in seeing it.
- The fortune teller told me I'd lose one of my closest friends in 13-14 years. To cope with this news, I bought a puppy.
- The news today about a woman who injected her 8 year old daughter with botox for beauty pageants. She has been arrested and lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.
- A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck. The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.
- I just read an article in the news that Kim Jong Un reads more than 1,000 books a year... I guess that's why they call him the Supreme Reader.
- I went to my doctor last year. They said they had good news and bad news.
The good news is I had a year to live.
The bad news was it was 2020. - My wife and I decided after 13 years of being married we aren't going to have kids. We're still trying to figure out how exactly to break the news to them
- Meteorologists have forecast snow throughout the US for the entire year of 2018 Flake news
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News Years One Liners
Which news years one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with news years? I can suggest the ones about new years eve and happy new year.
- When I was 10 years old, I would often impersonate news anchormen More at 11
- I've got some good news for small mothers... They're raising the mini mum wage next year!
- Breaking News: Criminal author gets 5 years in book case Check out his story!
- 3 years ago an Asianic plane crashed. The news station told me there was Sum Ting Wong...
- My News Years Resolution... 1080p
- Why did the news media protect Obama for 8 years? Because he never did Nuffin
- What do you call a news channel pushing the same agenda for several years? Fox News
News Years Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about news years you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new year wishes jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make news years pranks.
When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news.
One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping.
A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby.
"Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it.
If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news:
“Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.”
“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.
“No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.
A guy wasn’t feeling well and went to the doctor for a check up.
He did the tests and waited.
After a while, the doctor came in with the results.
"Unfortunately, I have very bad news! You’re seriously ill! You have really not much time to live.."
"Doctor..! How much time do I have..?"
"Ten..."
"Ten what? Months? Years? What?!"
"Nine...Eight...Seven..."
Doc says, "Joe, I got some bad news for you. You've got six months to live."
Joe says, "Six months? Doc, I can't pay your bill in six months, I can't do it!"
Doc says, "OK, I give you a year..."
Hey! How about that? I have good news for people wearing glasses!
Next year you'll be finally able to see 2020.
A news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.
The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about how it felt to be marrying again at 80, and about her spouse.
The lady mentions hat her new husband is a f**... director.
Then the reporter asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands.
She pauses for a few moments, needing some time to reflect on all of those years. After a short time, she shares some details about her first husbands.
The first, she says, was a banker, whom she married in her 20s. In her 40s, she married a circus ringmaster. In her 60s, she married a preacher, and now, in her 80s, she's marrying a f**... director.
The reporter asks her why, if there was any reason, did she choose to marry those specific people.
She responds, "Well, I married one for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready, and four to go!"
This guy takes his sick parrot to the vet...
The vet takes one look and says, "I'm afraid your parrot is dead."
"That's terrible," says the guy, "How can you so sure? I'd like a second opinion."
The Vet then opens the door and whistles. A Labrador bounds into the room, hops up onto the table, takes time sniffing at the parrot, looks up and whines sadly.
I'm afraid it's confirmed says the vet. The guy looks at the vet and says But my 5 year old daughter loves this parrot! Please! Are you 100% sure?
The Vet replies We can do one final test . He whistles again and a cat comes into the room and springs up onto the table. T he cat walks up and down the table looking intently at the parrot, then meows sadly and leaves.
"Well I'm terribly sorry Mr Jones but there can be no doubt about it. Polly is dead."
"Well, it's terrible news. Thank you for your time. How much do I owe you?"
"That comes to eight hundred pounds please."
"What?" cried the man in shock, "Why so much?"
"Well" Said the Vet, "Quick, accurate diagnoses don't come cheap. Ordinarily it would nearer to two hundred. What pushed the price up was the Lab report and Cat scan!"
A man walks into the doctor
A man walks into the doctor for his yearly check up. The doctor runs some tests on the man and after reads him the results.
"Well sir, I've got some bad news. It looks like you've only got a few hours to live."
The man replies: "Well I'd like a second opinion."
The doctor retorts: "You're ugly too."
A Man Goes To His Doctor for a Complete Checkup
He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you only have one year to live." the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. Is there anything I can do?" the man asks.
"Well yes, you can stop drinking, stop having promiscuous s**..., and join the m**... church" the doctor replies.
"Will that make me live longer?" the man asks
"No, but it will be the longest year of your life..."
An 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup...
... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news.
"Whats the worse news?"
"You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."
Mr. Jones hangs his head for a couple moments and looks up to ask, "And the bad news?"
"you have Alzheimers."
Mr. Jones frowns and says, "well, at least I don't have cancer."
A guy gets a call from his doctor...
... and the doctor says "Fred, your tests came back and I have some really bad news." Fred replies "What is it doc?"
The doctor says "You're going to die in 10"
"So I'm going to live for 10 more years! That's not too bad." he replies.
Doctor says "9...8...7..."
A Man Goes to the Doctor . . .
A man goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup, and the doctor says to him, "Well, I've got some bad news for you. It seems that you've been m**... too much. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop m**...."
The man, shocked to find this out, responds "Wait, what do you mean!? Stop m**...? When can I start again?"
The doctor responds, "Well I'd appreciate it if you waited until you left my office."
*
A child was born without a body...
The doctor said there was nothing they could do, but the parents cared for their child anyways.
Several years later, the parents were approached by the same doctor, saying, "I've got some good news. We now have the capability to give your child a body, would you like that?" Of course the parents were overjoyed and immediately agreed.
Another few years went by, and the parents enjoyed being able to hold their child at least, but they wanted their child to have the best life possible, so of course they accepted when the doctor offered to give their child arms.
They loved being able to play with their baby, but were sad that they couldn't teach him to walk. They prayed for the day that the doctor would come just one last time, and it finally came. The doctor asked if they would like to try a new procedure to give their child legs, and they joyfully accepted.
They enjoyed all their time running and playing with their newly whole child, until one day the child was playing in the yard and ran right in front of a cement truck and died.
I guess you could say that the moral of this story is, "stop while you're a head".
Mommywas out, and Daddy was in charge
Someone had given their 2 1/2 year old daughter a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mommy came home.
Daddy made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
A man and woman have been married for fifty years
However, both find that they are struggling to remember things like the used to, so they decide to go to the doctor's. He sees them separately and tells them that they both have Alzheimer's. They are understandably upset by this news, but the husband turns to his wife and says "look, we are no different than yesterday! Tell you what, it is supposed to be lovely weather tomorrow, we will go to the beach like we used to."
She agrees and off they go the next day. They have a lovely time sunbathing, then the wife decides she wants an ice cream. The husband agrees and gets ready to get up when she says "wait, don't you want me to write it down for you so you don't forget?"
He replies "I'm not an idiot, I'm capable of remembering two ice creams!"
"Are you sure? I want nuts and sauces..."
"No," he said, "it is fine. I will see you soon." So he leaves.
The man is gone for hours and his wife is getting deeply concerned when he finally shows up again, two burgers in hand. She sees this, shakes her head and says "oh you idiot, you forgot the chips!"
A cute little girls story
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe two and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says;
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...
...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.
During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.
"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"
Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.
"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"
Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."
The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"
The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"
(real news) Chinese archaeologists have discovered the country's oldest mathematics document, written on bamboo more than 2,200 years ago!
Even more amazing - one of the answers is wrong.
Baseball in Heaven
Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:
"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."
Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.
"Who's there?" he called out.
"Moe! It's me Sam!"
"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.
"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.
"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.
"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."
"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."
A man takes his wife golfing
They always go together every Sunday for the past 25 years of their marriage
One Sunday they got to the 9th hole and the woman stops her husband and says "Honey, we've been together 25 years and I trust you with all of my heart. With that being said, I haven't been completely honest with you during this relationship."
The wife goes on and eventually explains to the husband that she was actually born a man.
The husband is in shock and walks away in anger after hearing the news.
Finally the husband returns after thinking long and hard about what he had just heard and says to his wife: ......."You mean to tell me all of these years you've been hitting from the women's tees?!"
In light of the Pope allowing aliens into the catholic church...aliens make contact with humanity
upon hearing the news, the Pope arranges to meet with the leader of the aliens.
Once the two are seated and have enjoyed a short bit of pleasant conversation, the Pope asks the alien leader, "tell me, have you heard of Jesus?"
The alien leader looks at the pope before smiling in realization, "you mean Jesus of Nazareth?" he exclaims, continuing before the pope can reply, "oh, we know about him! He comes to our world every few months, and he's always so friendly!"
The Pope's mouth drops in shock "but...how? Jesus hasn't returned to us for over 2000 years!"
The alien leader frowns and thinks for a moment. "well", he finally says, "every time Jesus comes to our world, we give him a box of chocolates. What did you give him the last time he came here?"
A guy goes to the doctor and hears bad news.
The doctor says, "I'm afraid it's the worst news possible. It looks like your disease is terminal."
"Tell me straight, Doc. How long to I have?"
"Ten."
"Ten? Ten what? Years? Months?"
"Nine, eight, seven..."
A 90 year old woman is getting married for the fourth time.
A news crew is there to document the story. The reporter asks the woman about her odd marital past. "Let me get this right," he says. "Your first husband was a banker. Your second husband was a clown. Your third husband was a doctor, and you're about to marry a mortician. Why the menagerie of different men?" She smirked and said "It was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."
Lawyer Joke
* A lawyer is meeting with his client after a negotiation fell through. The lawyer says "so I've got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
*The client says "I guess good news first."
*The lawyer responded "the negotiations fell through and we need to go to trial. This'll probably take years and cost you thousands in attorney's fees."
*"So wait, what's the good news."
*"Wait, did I say there was bad news?"
"You look so cute reading the news paper!"
It's taken me three years and countless hours, but attracting male attention by staying updated on current events is finally working.
The Promised Land
One day, a man, his wife and her mother all went on vacation to see the Promised land. They were all enjoying it very much. During their trip, her mother passed away.
The director of the place they had visited had made them an offer. The director said,
"We have good news! You can bury your mother-in-law here for a mere $150, for this is the promised land! The other option is you can have her shipped back home for $5000."
The guy thought about it for a moment and stated,
"I will spend the $5000 to have her shipped back home."
The director says, "Why, for this is the promised land!"
The man says, "2000 years ago, a man was here. He preached, he was crucified, nailed to a cross and subsequently died. 3 days later he rose from the dead. I just cant take that chance!"
Good news and bad news.
The doctor turns to his patient:
"Well, I have the results of the tests back. It's good news and bad, I'm afraid."
"Okay, what's the bad news?"
"The bad news is you have a rare degenerative condition. Within five years, you'll be confined to bed, unable to control your bowels or feed yourself. You'll have no sense of who you were or where you are. The condition is incurable."
"Oh my God. What's the good news?"
"You have cancer."
Lucky day for Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.
Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was watching the news when he witnessed something astounding. A young Syrian man had just thrown a hand grenade over 100 yards through the window of a building into a room that housed a s**.... He was so impressed that he had the man found and brought into the states to play for his team.
After a very successful rookie season the young man was discussing his rookie of the year award via telephone with his mother.
She told him that she was proud but living in fear constantly. She continued " your brother was shot twice just in the last few weeks and your sister is regularly the victim of assault. Matters have escalated and life is worse than it has ever been. I will never, ever forgive you for bringing us to Philly."
Grandma Knows...
A cup of tea made with cold water.
One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea,' which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.
My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Grandma waited and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a Grandma would know), "Did it ever
occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the
toilet?"
A Jewish man is elected president...
Soon after, he calls up his mother to tell her the good news. "Mom, did you hear, I've been elected president!" "Oh, T
That's so great to hear, darling. I'm so proud of you!"
"So," asks the man, "you'll be coming out for the inauguration, right?" "I'm not sure," says his mother, "D.C. is so cold this time of year." "I'm the president, mom. I can arrange for you to get any sweater you want."
"I'm still not sure," continues his mother, "flying across the country is such a hassle." "Mom, I'll have you flown out here on Air Force One. It'll be no trouble to you." Finally, his mother agrees.
The day of the inaguration rolls around, and his mother is seated between the Vice President and the Secretary of State. As the man is being sworn in, his mother nudges the vice president.
"You see that boy up there? The one with his hand on the Bible? His brother's a doctor. "
Butcher Shop
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
An 81-year-old man goes to see his doctor.:
An 81-year-old man goes to see his doctor. The doctor says,
I've got some bad news. You have cancer and you have
Alzheimer's. The old man brightens up and replies, At least
it's not cancer!
On average, an American man will have s**...
two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have s**... only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
Statistics say that the average U.S male has s**... 2-3 times a week, whereas a Japanese man will only have s**... 1 or 2 times a year
This was very upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese!
Inigo Montoya gets married
He tells his new wife that he has always wanted a son to carry on the family name. They try for several years, but never have any children. Upset, he takes her to Miracle Max to see what can be done. Miracle Max looks her over, asks some questions, consults his books, and comes back with the bad news. He tells Inigo that his wife will never bear children. It turns out that she's inconceivable.
A man wakes up from a five year coma...
Doctor: Sir you've been out for a long time and I'm afraid I have some terrible news.
Patient: Oh I don't mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo
Waking up from a coma...
**DOCTOR**: I have bad news...
**MAN WHO JUST WOKE UP FROM A 5 YEAR COMA**: I don't mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati Zoo.
What's the difference between ancient religious texts and fake news?
A little over 2000 years
I hadn't heard any news about george michael for nearly a year...
And then Wham! Last Christmas.
Just got some good news from my financial planner
...she told me I'd only have to keep working 3 years after I die to afford my retirement.
Kim Jong-un & Donald Trump
Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".
The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.
When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause
North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years
Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".
The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.
When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
"Atlanta" star says season2 shooting begins this year -News
Chicago PD and local gangs in unison yelled back, you are half a year late wannabes.
Found out some horrible news about my dog of 10 years today...
Turns out hes adopted and we dont know how to tell him...
"I have some bad news for you", Doctor says to the patient
Doctor: "Unfortunately, you don't have much time left."
Patient: "Oh, no... how long am I going to live!?"
Doctor: "10..."
Patient: "10 what?! Years? Months? Weeks? ...Days?!"
Doctor: "...9..."
The Sun Mission
Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV. When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!
2 year old Daughter: Daddy I have good news and bad news.
Me: what's the good news?
Daughter: there is no bad news!
Me: then what's the bad news?
Daughter: there is no good news.
After 20 Years I Found Out That I'm Actually Straight
Dr. Scoliosis said that I should brace myself before he delivered the good news
A hundred year old woman from Texas was asked the secret to longevity.
On her birthday the local news came by and asked her the secret to long life. She said that every morning she takes a shot of whiskey and a spoonful of gunpowder with her breakfast. Her family agreed that every day for decades she had downed a spoonful of gunpowder. She died not long after this of natural causes. She left her house to her kids, her money to charity, and a fifty foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
A man goes to the doctor
Doctor: There are some bad news, you are going to die soon.
Man: Tell me doctor, how much time I have left
Doctor: Ten
Man: Ten what, days, months, years?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
My news years resolution was to lose 40 pounds
So I took my 20 pound weights and dropped them off in the woods
Fake news is nothing...
Compared to the 8 million people who died from fidget spinners in New York last year.
There should be a media platform that does frequent leaks but only one news dump a year...
It would be called AnnalLeaks
If I had a dollar every time a news story features the president in these 4 years...
News stories will start to feature me in the next 4 years.
Did you guys hear about the boy who got decapitated in a water slide incident?
On the plus side, everyone got to jump a head in line.
(Sorry for how terrible this joke is. I came up with it when the news story first hit like a year ago, but didn't think to post until recent news regarding the accident made me remember it.)
A man and a woman get married
After twenty years of marriage, the wife tragically passes away before her time.
As they are carrying the casket in the church, one of the pall bearers bumps it on a corner, and from the casket they hear a gasp.
The woman climbs out of the casket, it's a miracle, she's on the news, people praise the Lord, and she lives another twenty years.
As they're carrying the casket through the church for the second time twenty years later, the husband murmurs to the other pall bearers, "Careful, watch out for that corner..."
I heard today's news about Rosanne. I thought she died years ago.
Turns out it was just her comedy.
After 10 years of raising their child
, the mother notices that the kid looks different.
So, she decided to do a DNA test.
The results come out, and show that the child isn't theirs.
She tells her husband, "I have some terrible news, dear. This is not our baby!".
The husband replies, "yes, do you not remember?
When we were about to leave the hospital, you noticed that the baby had wet it's daipers and told me 'honey, go change the baby' ".
An eighty year old man is in the hospital waiting room about to be a first time father.
The nurse comes out of the opperating room as say "Good news sir your wife just gave birth to twins. You have two healthy baby boys. "
The old man stands up excitedly takes off his hat and says to the nurse "It just goes to show you even if you have snow on the roof you can still have a fire in the furnace!"
The nurse replied: "Well you better change your filter because the babies are black"
I just broke the mirror that sits above my dresser. Now I'm supposed to have 7 years of bad luck!
The good news is my lawyer thinks he can get me off with only 5.
A cryogenically frozen man is woken up in the future...
He is greeted by a beautiful nurse.
Nurse: Congratulations, sir, it's the year 2318. I have some good news and some bad news, though.
Man: Please tell me.
Nurse: Well, we had only last year perfected the technology to wake frozen individuals such as yourself with just one side-effect and decided to test it on you, our very first subject.
Man: What side-effect?
Nurse: We can't ever freeze you a second time.
Man: And the bad news?
Nurse: We still haven't been able to cure the disease that killed you the first time.
A news reporter returns to his job after 45 years
He would tell you what he found out, but you aren't a monk.
Son, I have good news, and bad news.
The good news is that I found a forgotten Christmas present from last year!
The bad news is that it was a puppy...
A dentist is watching The News
The news: flosing was the #1 activity of last year
*detnists searches up flossing on the web*
Dentist: SON OF A B**** 😡
Breaking news...
A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.
A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.
He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"
Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"
His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"
Thought of this earlier
About an hour after the news years party we were congregated into groups talking and o**... in our little circle goes I haven't showered since last year! It was too funny not to share with other people.
So when I got the opportunity I walked over to a group of people and said I haven't showered since last year! No one laughed. It really killed the v**... of Thanksgiving for me that year
Big news today in the World Reverse-Parking Championship....
Last years winner just backed out!
The doctor told him some bad news.
A few years ago a friend of mine tried to commit s**..., he had gone to the doctor for test results and found out he was dyslexic he was so upset he went outside and jumped behind a bus.
In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said I have some sad news.
Tell me, old friend said the faithful Tonto.
Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer
Bad spirits, replied his old companion.
The lone ranger look off into the distance for a minute. After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?
Chemo, sabe
Ps this is my first joke post ever so I hope I did it right.
Did you hear how there's a national coin shortage?
The U.S. Mint's production of about 1 billion coins per month has been slowed due to COVID-19 safety precautions for the workers.
The good news is that they've overcome the bottlenecks and will be overclocking their machines for increased production. They plan on averaging 1.65 billion coins per month for the rest of the year 2020.
So I guess you could say the coins will return next quarter.
The Pope, Xi Jinping and Donald Trump are summoned by God
"OK", said God, "the world's gonna end in 20 years, go back and prepare your people".
The Pope prepared a great mass at St. Peter's Square and announced "Dear Catholics, I have good and bad news. Rejoice, for God is real, but also repent, for the end of the world is coming in 20 years".
Xi Jinping held a speech in front of the CCP. "Horrible news, comrades, not only is God real, he also told us the world is coming to an end in 20 years".
Trump tweeted "Great news everyone! God knows I'm important!"
