News Reports Jokes
125 news reports jokes and hilarious news reports puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about news reports that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest News Reports Short Jokes
Short news reports jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The news reports humour may include short news report jokes also.
- Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident. All involved were rushed to the ICU
- If you're genuinely asking me to choose between my career as a reporter and our relationship Well then I've got some news for you
- How do you distinguish between a news reporter and a chemist.... Ask them to pronounce "lead".
- Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea. Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned
- My girlfriend told me that it was either her, or my career as a news reporter I'm afraid I had some breaking news for her
- Breaking News - in Hong Kong, a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying purple paint CNN reports that both crews are marooned
- Pakistan launches a rocket to Moon. Pakistani News channel reports: "Water and fishes found on Moon."
BBC reports: "Pakistani satellite found in Arab sea." - Why should oceanographers be the Ones that report the news? They're always on top of current events!
- News break: A fortune telling midget just escaped from prison, police are reporting to be on the lookout for a: Small medium at large.
- So my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter. Well, I've got some news for her.
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News Reports One Liners
Which news reports one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with news reports? I can suggest the ones about news reporters and news media.
- A news reporter introduces his new co-worker on air This Justin
- News reporter: who are you wearing? Me: no this is my own skin
- What do you call all the sacked news reporters in China? The orient ex-press
- What do news reporters like to say in bed? "This just in"
- I hate giving good people bad news But I'm a reporter at Fox so all I got is bad news.
- Did you hear the one about cable news reporting on Net Neutrality?
- News flash: Chapters truck caught speeding Police reported, "It was really booking it!"
- Whats the worst part about being a news reporter? The shootings
- Fox News is inciting violence. They are making me want to punch their reporters.
- What did the news reporter say when he banged his co-host? "This just in"
- I recently watched the news medias report on the presidential coverage. That's the joke.
- I am going tell you why news reporter are so successful After the break...
- Fox News gave an unbiased report on current events.
News Reports Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about news reports you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean news jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make news reports pranks.
A snail and a slug got in a c**....
When the police, ambulances and news reporters arrived, a reporter asked a tortoise what happened.
He replied: "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
I have found the perfect crime. I'm going to steal a news van...
They won't be able to report it.
A news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.
The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about how it felt to be marrying again at 80, and about her spouse.
The lady mentions hat her new husband is a f**... director.
Then the reporter asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands.
She pauses for a few moments, needing some time to reflect on all of those years. After a short time, she shares some details about her first husbands.
The first, she says, was a banker, whom she married in her 20s. In her 40s, she married a circus ringmaster. In her 60s, she married a preacher, and now, in her 80s, she's marrying a f**... director.
The reporter asks her why, if there was any reason, did she choose to marry those specific people.
She responds, "Well, I married one for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready, and four to go!"
What do Jeremy Lin after a win and Dove chocolate have in common?
They both give women one square inch of joy.
Came up with this after seeing the Dove commercial and remembering that Tweet from the news reporter about jeremy lin giving a girl three inches of pain.
Just give them another chance!
So... The news reporters decided to end this "Blondes are s**..." myth once and for all. They go to the full football stadium and find three random Blondes.
REPORTER: "We want to end this myth once and for all, so we will ask you a simple question, if you answer correctly, Blondes will be forever free from this prejudice!"
1st BLONDE: "Ok, ask me anything."
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
1st BLONDE: "Ummm..... 5?"
REPORTER: "Wh... Wrong.."
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"
REPORTER: "Ok.. Ok..." asks the second blonde
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
2nd BLONDE: "Ummm..... 3?"
REPORTER: "NO!"
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"
REPORTER: "Ok! This is your last chance" asks the third blonde
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
3rd BLONDE: "Ummm..... 4?"
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"
Idiots
A wife is sitting at home when a breaking news report appears on the TV stating there is a deranged man driving 100 mph on the freeway against traffic during rush hour. Remembering that this is the same route her husband drives home on a daily basis, the shocked and terrified woman quickly grabs the phone and dials her husband...
"Hello?"
"Honey I just saw on the news that some idiot is flying at 100 mph against the traffic. Please be careful!"
"One idiot?! There are thousands of them!!!!"
Have you read the news?
I was reading the news the other day and came across a story from Vietnam. There were two gentlemen working in a rice p**... when one became enraged at the other and bludgeoned him to death with a small ceramic figurine. Reports indicate that this is the first ever case of knick-knack p**... whack.
Breaking News: It has been reported that last night someone broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets in the building.
Police have issued a statement saying that at this moment they have nothing to go on.
Seatbelt
The police, several ambulances and news crews arrived at a car c**.... As the police were taking photos of the scene, one of them was being interviewed by a reporter. This was a terrible accident and he wanted to remind people to be cautious:
"Most of these people died because they didn't wear their seat belts. Look at this guy here, he didn't wear his seat belt and he flew through the windshield and his arms are nowhere to be found. Look at that girl there, she didn't wear her seat belt and she's missing her arms and legs. Look at that guy there, he didn't wear his seat belt and half of him is in the car while the other half on the street. Now let's check the other car. See, everyone had their seat belts on and they all look like they did when they were alive."
The post about the Auschwitz survivors reminded me about this. An old jewish man...
An old Jewish man played the lottery every day, and finally after a lifetime of buying tickets, he wins big. The very first thing he bought was a giant golden statue of Adolf h**... and put it on display in his front lawn.
Of course, the man became a local celebrity. He just won the lottery and everyone was coming by his house to congratulate him. A local news reporter stopped by and asked the old man, "Sir, congratulations on winning so much money! But I have to ask... What's with the giant statue of h**... on your front lawn?
The old man smiles... he rolls up his sleeve, reveals his forearm and says "Well... he DID give me the winning numbers.
(Yeah, I see you cringing)
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are watching the evening news when they see a report of a man threatening to jump off the roof of a tall building in New Orleans.
Boudreaux tells Thibodeaux, "Hey watch dis guy. I bet you 40 dollars he jumps off dat roof."
Thibodeaux thinks about it a little and replies, "Okay, I'll take dat bet!"
A few seconds later the man jumps to his death.
Thibodeaux pulls out his wallet, cursing, and hands Boudreaux two twenties. Boudreaux giggles and says, "Thibodeaux, I gotta tell you something. I already saw dat. He jumped already on da 12 o'clock news."
Thibodeaux says, "Me too I saw it on da 12 o'clock news, but I didn't think that couillon would be s**... enough to jump again!"
A 90 year old woman is getting married for the fourth time.
A news crew is there to document the story. The reporter asks the woman about her odd marital past. "Let me get this right," he says. "Your first husband was a banker. Your second husband was a clown. Your third husband was a doctor, and you're about to marry a mortician. Why the menagerie of different men?" She smirked and said "It was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."
The anchorwoman on the local news just reported that Davy Jones from the Monkees has died
At first I didn't believe it. But then I saw her face.
An older woman is watching the news
When a newscaster cuts in.
"Breaking news! We have reports of a car going the wrong way through heavy traffic on I-85."
The woman knows her husband is travelling, so she calls him up.
"Honey, some idiot's driving the wrong way on I-85. Be careful, please!"
Her husband practically yells back into the phone, "Thanks sweetie, but it's not just one; there's hundreds of them!"
A news reporter arrives at the house of the world's oldest man.
The man has just turned 115 years old. The reporter asks him "So, what would you say is the secret to your long life?" The man replies, "Well, I'd say that it has to do with my nature. I never argue with others, which I think has prevented a lot of stress." The reporter is baffled by this answer, and says, "Well, surely that can't be the only reason you've lived this long! Don't you think it has more to do with your diet or exercise regime?" The old man thinks about about it for a moment, and answers back, "You know, maybe you're right."
Weather Report...
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
News reports say a Muslim hid several Jews in a freezer at the kosher market in Paris last week
I guess the oven must have been broken
Japanese bank crises.
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
(Work in progress) I want to have s**... with a news reporter.
I want to have s**... with a news reporter.
As soon as enter her, I want to scream
"This Just In!"
News reports say that someone stole all the toilets from the police station downtown.
The cops have nothing to go on.
Yellow Snow on the White House lawn
One winter morning, Bill Clinton woke up and looked out the window of his bedroom in the White House. He was shocked to see the words "Bill s**..." peed in the snow. He called the Secret Service to investigate the matter.
After a few days, the head of the Secret Service reported back to Bill, "I have bad news and I have worse news."
"Ok, let's hear the bad news."
"We did an analysis on the u**... and it belongs to Al Gore."
"And the worse news?"
"We did a handwriting analysis as well. It belongs to Hillary."
Trump is going to jail....
I just saw a news ticker where he is reportedly beating Hillary in Florida right now!
Islamic joke I saw somewhere
A man walking in New York's Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.
A passing Fox News reporter says: You're a hero. Tonight's TV news bulletin will say: 'Brave New Yorker Saves Child.
The man replies: I'm a tourist from Saudi Arabia.
That night the news on Fox TV says: Islamic extremist kills New York dog.
A news reporter was interviewing a man...
who was a witness to a public m**... incident. When asked why he did nothing to stop the perpetrator the man replied, "Well, he had it coming."
The Reporter of Puns!
There was once a reporter known for his unique puns. Every day for his newscast, he would share the news with a nice pun at the end. One day he recieved a story of ten people killed in a shooting. He delivered the story and at the end stated that there was no pun in ten dead.
Saul, the Jewish Lottery Winner
So Saul, a 90-year-old Jew, wins the $300 million lottery. He's at the news conference to accept the check, and the reporters ask him if there's anyone he'd like to thank.
"Yes," he says solemnly. "I'd like to thank my brother Eli for lending me the $5 to buy the ticket, and my brother David for driving me to the Circle-K to buy the ticket.
"Lastly, I'd like to thank Adolph h**...."
The silence was sudden and complete; you could hear a pin drop.
Finally a reporter raises a shaky hand and asks, "D-did you j-just say you w-wanted to thank H-h**...?"
"Yes, of course," Saul replies.
"Whatever for?"
Rolling his sleeve up, Saul points to the inside of his forearm. "For the NUMBERS!"
There was an e**... at my favorite restaurant last night.
News reports say that someone ordered the "chicken a la Hu-akbar."
Have I got news for you...
...said I when my girlfriend asked me to choose between her and a career as a reporter
What did they suicidal news reporter say when they went on air?
Lets get right into the noose.
Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar...
Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.
Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.
Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly. I f***ing hate you. You're also bald. I hope that you die soon. When I become president I will make sure to deport ugly and bald people like you."
The entire bar looks in shock. A news reporter, there at that time, says to a patron of the bar, who originated from the South, "What do you think of this?".
The patron replies "Absolutely f***ing disgusting - Bernie Sanders didn't say Merry Christmas!"
Doctor Patient
- Doctor: I have bad news and good news. Which one do you want first.
- Patient: Give me the good news
- Doctor: OK, As per this report you have only 1 week to live
- Patient: This is good news ? What is the bad news ?
- Doctor: This report came in 1 week ago but I forgot to call you
Asked my co-worker if saw the big news report...
He said which one, The Mac 'n Cheetos announcement or the UK doing something?
True story, from 3 min ago... 'Murica
A man gets a call from his Doctor
Doctor says i have the results from your examination, im afraid i have some bad news and worse news
The man asks whats the bad news
Doctor says according to the report you will die in 24 hrs
The man says what can be worse than that
The Doctor says i have been trying to call you since yesterday
The news report was that an elevator for the coal shaft broke down, trapping 27 workers
But it was just a miner inconvenience
The news have just reported that Greece will be stopping the export of Hummus and Taramasalata later this week...
Experts are saying that this will lead to a double dip recession.
Banking Crisis in Japan
Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
A man is driving on the freeway
His wife calls him
Wife: Be careful honey, there was a news report about a crazy driver on the same freeway you're on
Man: I think all of them are crazy. Everyone's going backwards! (My friends told me this joke at school)
Some monks were selling flowers outside the p**... mansion
Hugh Hefner realises this and puts a stop to it as they are on his property and welcoming tourists. The local news catches wind of this and goes to interview the monks.
The reporter asks "do you think you will set up shop somewhere else?"
And the monks reply "oh yes, only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
Local Hero saves lady from Dog
A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl! He kicks the dog, it dies!
Newspapers report: "Local Hero saves lady from Dog"
Man says I'm not American
Report changed: "Foreign Hero Saves girl from Dog"
Man says: Actually I'm Pakistani
Breaking News: "t**... killed Innocent Dog which was playing with a girl"
These reports of a major snowstorm hitting the Northeast don't concern me.
It's all just flake news.
A guy who left North Korea...
A guy who left North Korea came on the news today to describe his life there.
Reporter: "What were the conditions like in North Korea?"
Guy: " Ah, couldn't complain."
Reporter: "Well then why did you leave?"
Guy: "Ah, couldn't complain."
Kim Jong-un & Donald Trump
Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".
The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.
When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause
North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years
Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".
The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.
When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!
CNN recently released a new report from one of Trumps closest aides. The unnamed source has disclosed that Trump has been diagnosed with sphincter dysfunction.
President Trump responded: "the news is fake, but the leaks are real."
A place got lit on fire
But the firefighters were too late to reach and put it out. Media arrived as well to which one of the firefighter giving report said, "I've got a good news and a bad news, the bad news is, 41 children died in that fire. But the good news is it was an orphanage, so I have no parents to notify"
Did you hear about the amputee who escaped the hospital after being fitted with his prosthetics?
You might want to watch out. News reports claim that he is armed and dangerous
After his visit to Poland, Reports say 74 percent of the natives thought President Trumps visit was a failure...
Trump responded, "THE POLS are WRONG, FAKE NEWS!
The Sun Mission
Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV. When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!
What's the most unbiased news source?
National Geographic because in the end they always report the bad side to donkeys and elephants, not exclusively one.
A pair of twins in a nursery home are both turning 100
One twin has bad hearing and the other can hear fine. A news reporter comes to take a picture of them for the newspaper. The reporter says
"I need you guys to sit on the sofa"
"What'd he say?" Said the woman with bad hearing
"He said to sit on the sofa" said the twin with good hearing. They both went over and sat on the sofa.
"Scoot closer together" said the reporter
"What'd he say?"
"He said to scoot closer together" said the twin with good hearing.
"Sit tight while I focus" said the reporter
"What'd he say?"
"He said he's going to focus" said the twin with good hearing.
"Oh! Both of us at the same time?"
Great news, my boss said I have an outstanding report!
Funny, thing is I don't remember doing one.
A blonde and a businessman are watching the 11 o'clock news when reports of a jumper on the roof comes on.
The businessman turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $20 that the guy jumps."
The blonde agrees and 5 minutes later the guy jumps. As the blonde takes out her wallet to pay the businessman, he says, "no it's ok, i saw this story on the 8 o'clock news and i knew that would happen."
The blonde turns to the man with a somber expression and says, "I watched it too, but I didn't think he'd jump again."
"Mr President, we have an emergency situation, CNN is reporting a major snow storm for the Washington DC area!"
"Stop that! This is just FLAKE NEWS" Trump replied.
There was a shark that wanted to be a reporter so a news station gave him a try,
but when he went on air, he died.
Japanese Banking Crisis
Worrying news from the Japanese financial markets. Following last week`s disclosure that the Origami Bank had folded, we hear that the Sumo Bank has just gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived, 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and Karaoke Bank is up for sale and going for a song. Analysts also report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. But Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks.
News reports say actress Evanna l**... has been seen suddenly falling asleep in public places
I suspect Narglepsy is behind it.
Skydiving humor
A news reporter was doing a story about skydiving and so he visited a drop zone and went for a ride on the plane to watch everyone jump. One of the plane's engines quit and all the skydivers immediately went out the door. Then the pilot put on his own parachute rig and headed toward the open door himself. The reporter yelled "What's happening? Is everything all right?" and the pilot said "Don't panic. I'm going to get help."
Two men are sitting at a bar when a news report comes on...
The TV grabs the men's attention as the reporter begins taking about a man standing on a bridge threatening to jump. The first man, having a taste for gallows humor, bets the second man $10 that he'll jump. The second man agrees and they continue drinking and watching the TV. About 10 minutes later the man jumps of the bridge, and the second man at the bar begins to take out his wallet.
"No, no," says the first man,"I saw the report earlier tonight, I knew he was going to jump the whole time."
"I saw it too," says the second man "I just didn't think he was s**... enough to do it again.
Whats the difference between a t**... and a freedom fighter?
Well mostly, it depends on who's reporting the news.
He's so lazy, that if he robbed a bank he wouldn't even count the money.
He'd just wait to find out in the news report.
A blonde sits down in a bar next to a redhead.
A blonde sits down in a bar next to a redhead. Both of them are having a good time when the news comes on.
The news reporter shouts out a man is on the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!
The redhead leans over to the blonde and whispers I bet you $50 that the mans gonna jump
The blonde replies, You're on .
A few moments later, the man jumps and the blonde turns to the redhead and hands over the $50.
The redhead starts to feel guilty and says I can't take your money, I saw the news earlier this morning, I knew he was gonna jump off the cliff
The blonde says well, I saw it too, but I didn't think he was going to jump off again!
Breaking News: cheesecake e**... in France
Multiple reports coming in that there was nothing left but de brie.
So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.
It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.
A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It stops on a dime."
Reports from Vietnam say they can taste Bakso in the sea.
In other news a tsunami recently hit Indonesia.