News Report Jokes
107 news report jokes and hilarious news report puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about news report that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest News Report Short Jokes
Short news report jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The news report humour may include short reporter jokes also.
- Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident. All involved were rushed to the ICU
- If you're genuinely asking me to choose between my career as a reporter and our relationship Well then I've got some news for you
- How do you distinguish between a news reporter and a chemist.... Ask them to pronounce "lead".
- Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea. Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned
- My girlfriend told me that it was either her, or my career as a news reporter I'm afraid I had some breaking news for her
- Breaking News - in Hong Kong, a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying purple paint CNN reports that both crews are marooned
- Pakistan launches a rocket to Moon. Pakistani News channel reports: "Water and fishes found on Moon."
BBC reports: "Pakistani satellite found in Arab sea." - Why should oceanographers be the Ones that report the news? They're always on top of current events!
- News break: A fortune telling midget just escaped from prison, police are reporting to be on the lookout for a: Small medium at large.
- So my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter. Well, I've got some news for her.
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News Report One Liners
Which news report one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with news report? I can suggest the ones about news and news media.
- A news reporter introduces his new co-worker on air This Justin
- News reporter: who are you wearing? Me: no this is my own skin
- What do you call all the sacked news reporters in China? The orient ex-press
- What do news reporters like to say in bed? "This just in"
- I hate giving good people bad news But I'm a reporter at Fox so all I got is bad news.
- Did you hear the one about cable news reporting on Net Neutrality?
- News flash: Chapters truck caught speeding Police reported, "It was really booking it!"
- Whats the worst part about being a news reporter? The shootings
- Fox News is inciting violence. They are making me want to punch their reporters.
- What did the news reporter say when he banged his co-host? "This just in"
- I recently watched the news medias report on the presidential coverage. That's the joke.
- I am going tell you why news reporter are so successful After the break...
- Fox News gave an unbiased report on current events.
News Report Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about news report you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean breaking news jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make news report pranks.
A snail and a slug got in a c**....
When the police, ambulances and news reporters arrived, a reporter asked a tortoise what happened.
He replied: "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
I have found the perfect crime. I'm going to steal a news van...
They won't be able to report it.
What do Jeremy Lin after a win and Dove chocolate have in common?
They both give women one square inch of joy.
Came up with this after seeing the Dove commercial and remembering that Tweet from the news reporter about jeremy lin giving a girl three inches of pain.
Just give them another chance!
So... The news reporters decided to end this "Blondes are s**..." myth once and for all. They go to the full football stadium and find three random Blondes.
REPORTER: "We want to end this myth once and for all, so we will ask you a simple question, if you answer correctly, Blondes will be forever free from this prejudice!"
1st BLONDE: "Ok, ask me anything."
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
1st BLONDE: "Ummm..... 5?"
REPORTER: "Wh... Wrong.."
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"
REPORTER: "Ok.. Ok..." asks the second blonde
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
2nd BLONDE: "Ummm..... 3?"
REPORTER: "NO!"
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"
REPORTER: "Ok! This is your last chance" asks the third blonde
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
3rd BLONDE: "Ummm..... 4?"
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"
Have you read the news?
I was reading the news the other day and came across a story from Vietnam. There were two gentlemen working in a rice p**... when one became enraged at the other and bludgeoned him to death with a small ceramic figurine. Reports indicate that this is the first ever case of knick-knack p**... whack.
Breaking News: It has been reported that last night someone broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets in the building.
Police have issued a statement saying that at this moment they have nothing to go on.
The post about the Auschwitz survivors reminded me about this. An old jewish man...
An old Jewish man played the lottery every day, and finally after a lifetime of buying tickets, he wins big. The very first thing he bought was a giant golden statue of Adolf h**... and put it on display in his front lawn.
Of course, the man became a local celebrity. He just won the lottery and everyone was coming by his house to congratulate him. A local news reporter stopped by and asked the old man, "Sir, congratulations on winning so much money! But I have to ask... What's with the giant statue of h**... on your front lawn?
The old man smiles... he rolls up his sleeve, reveals his forearm and says "Well... he DID give me the winning numbers.
(Yeah, I see you cringing)
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are watching the evening news when they see a report of a man threatening to jump off the roof of a tall building in New Orleans.
Boudreaux tells Thibodeaux, "Hey watch dis guy. I bet you 40 dollars he jumps off dat roof."
Thibodeaux thinks about it a little and replies, "Okay, I'll take dat bet!"
A few seconds later the man jumps to his death.
Thibodeaux pulls out his wallet, cursing, and hands Boudreaux two twenties. Boudreaux giggles and says, "Thibodeaux, I gotta tell you something. I already saw dat. He jumped already on da 12 o'clock news."
Thibodeaux says, "Me too I saw it on da 12 o'clock news, but I didn't think that couillon would be s**... enough to jump again!"
A 90 year old woman is getting married for the fourth time.
A news crew is there to document the story. The reporter asks the woman about her odd marital past. "Let me get this right," he says. "Your first husband was a banker. Your second husband was a clown. Your third husband was a doctor, and you're about to marry a mortician. Why the menagerie of different men?" She smirked and said "It was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."
The anchorwoman on the local news just reported that Davy Jones from the Monkees has died
At first I didn't believe it. But then I saw her face.
An older woman is watching the news
When a newscaster cuts in.
"Breaking news! We have reports of a car going the wrong way through heavy traffic on I-85."
The woman knows her husband is travelling, so she calls him up.
"Honey, some idiot's driving the wrong way on I-85. Be careful, please!"
Her husband practically yells back into the phone, "Thanks sweetie, but it's not just one; there's hundreds of them!"
A news reporter arrives at the house of the world's oldest man.
The man has just turned 115 years old. The reporter asks him "So, what would you say is the secret to your long life?" The man replies, "Well, I'd say that it has to do with my nature. I never argue with others, which I think has prevented a lot of stress." The reporter is baffled by this answer, and says, "Well, surely that can't be the only reason you've lived this long! Don't you think it has more to do with your diet or exercise regime?" The old man thinks about about it for a moment, and answers back, "You know, maybe you're right."
News reports say a Muslim hid several Jews in a freezer at the kosher market in Paris last week
I guess the oven must have been broken
(Work in progress) I want to have s**... with a news reporter.
I want to have s**... with a news reporter.
As soon as enter her, I want to scream
"This Just In!"
News reports say that someone stole all the toilets from the police station downtown.
The cops have nothing to go on.
Trump is going to jail....
I just saw a news ticker where he is reportedly beating Hillary in Florida right now!
Islamic joke I saw somewhere
A man walking in New York's Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.
A passing Fox News reporter says: You're a hero. Tonight's TV news bulletin will say: 'Brave New Yorker Saves Child.
The man replies: I'm a tourist from Saudi Arabia.
That night the news on Fox TV says: Islamic extremist kills New York dog.
A news reporter was interviewing a man...
who was a witness to a public m**... incident. When asked why he did nothing to stop the perpetrator the man replied, "Well, he had it coming."
The Reporter of Puns!
There was once a reporter known for his unique puns. Every day for his newscast, he would share the news with a nice pun at the end. One day he recieved a story of ten people killed in a shooting. He delivered the story and at the end stated that there was no pun in ten dead.
Saul, the Jewish Lottery Winner
So Saul, a 90-year-old Jew, wins the $300 million lottery. He's at the news conference to accept the check, and the reporters ask him if there's anyone he'd like to thank.
"Yes," he says solemnly. "I'd like to thank my brother Eli for lending me the $5 to buy the ticket, and my brother David for driving me to the Circle-K to buy the ticket.
"Lastly, I'd like to thank Adolph h**...."
The silence was sudden and complete; you could hear a pin drop.
Finally a reporter raises a shaky hand and asks, "D-did you j-just say you w-wanted to thank H-h**...?"
"Yes, of course," Saul replies.
"Whatever for?"
Rolling his sleeve up, Saul points to the inside of his forearm. "For the NUMBERS!"
There was an e**... at my favorite restaurant last night.
News reports say that someone ordered the "chicken a la Hu-akbar."
Have I got news for you...
...said I when my girlfriend asked me to choose between her and a career as a reporter
What did they suicidal news reporter say when they went on air?
Lets get right into the noose.
Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar...
Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.
Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.
Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly. I f***ing hate you. You're also bald. I hope that you die soon. When I become president I will make sure to deport ugly and bald people like you."
The entire bar looks in shock. A news reporter, there at that time, says to a patron of the bar, who originated from the South, "What do you think of this?".
The patron replies "Absolutely f***ing disgusting - Bernie Sanders didn't say Merry Christmas!"
Doctor Patient
- Doctor: I have bad news and good news. Which one do you want first.
- Patient: Give me the good news
- Doctor: OK, As per this report you have only 1 week to live
- Patient: This is good news ? What is the bad news ?
- Doctor: This report came in 1 week ago but I forgot to call you
Asked my co-worker if saw the big news report...
He said which one, The Mac 'n Cheetos announcement or the UK doing something?
True story, from 3 min ago... 'Murica
A man gets a call from his Doctor
Doctor says i have the results from your examination, im afraid i have some bad news and worse news
The man asks whats the bad news
Doctor says according to the report you will die in 24 hrs
The man says what can be worse than that
The Doctor says i have been trying to call you since yesterday
The news report was that an elevator for the coal shaft broke down, trapping 27 workers
But it was just a miner inconvenience
The news have just reported that Greece will be stopping the export of Hummus and Taramasalata later this week...
Experts are saying that this will lead to a double dip recession.
A man is driving on the freeway
His wife calls him
Wife: Be careful honey, there was a news report about a crazy driver on the same freeway you're on
Man: I think all of them are crazy. Everyone's going backwards! (My friends told me this joke at school)
Some monks were selling flowers outside the p**... mansion
Hugh Hefner realises this and puts a stop to it as they are on his property and welcoming tourists. The local news catches wind of this and goes to interview the monks.
The reporter asks "do you think you will set up shop somewhere else?"
And the monks reply "oh yes, only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
Local Hero saves lady from Dog
A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl! He kicks the dog, it dies!
Newspapers report: "Local Hero saves lady from Dog"
Man says I'm not American
Report changed: "Foreign Hero Saves girl from Dog"
Man says: Actually I'm Pakistani
Breaking News: "t**... killed Innocent Dog which was playing with a girl"
These reports of a major snowstorm hitting the Northeast don't concern me.
It's all just flake news.
A guy who left North Korea...
A guy who left North Korea came on the news today to describe his life there.
Reporter: "What were the conditions like in North Korea?"
Guy: " Ah, couldn't complain."
Reporter: "Well then why did you leave?"
Guy: "Ah, couldn't complain."
CNN recently released a new report from one of Trumps closest aides. The unnamed source has disclosed that Trump has been diagnosed with sphincter dysfunction.
President Trump responded: "the news is fake, but the leaks are real."
A place got lit on fire
But the firefighters were too late to reach and put it out. Media arrived as well to which one of the firefighter giving report said, "I've got a good news and a bad news, the bad news is, 41 children died in that fire. But the good news is it was an orphanage, so I have no parents to notify"
Did you hear about the amputee who escaped the hospital after being fitted with his prosthetics?
You might want to watch out. News reports claim that he is armed and dangerous
After his visit to Poland, Reports say 74 percent of the natives thought President Trumps visit was a failure...
Trump responded, "THE POLS are WRONG, FAKE NEWS!
The Sun Mission
Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV. When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!
What's the most unbiased news source?
National Geographic because in the end they always report the bad side to donkeys and elephants, not exclusively one.
Great news, my boss said I have an outstanding report!
Funny, thing is I don't remember doing one.
A blonde and a businessman are watching the 11 o'clock news when reports of a jumper on the roof comes on.
The businessman turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $20 that the guy jumps."
The blonde agrees and 5 minutes later the guy jumps. As the blonde takes out her wallet to pay the businessman, he says, "no it's ok, i saw this story on the 8 o'clock news and i knew that would happen."
The blonde turns to the man with a somber expression and says, "I watched it too, but I didn't think he'd jump again."
"Mr President, we have an emergency situation, CNN is reporting a major snow storm for the Washington DC area!"
"Stop that! This is just FLAKE NEWS" Trump replied.
There was a shark that wanted to be a reporter so a news station gave him a try,
but when he went on air, he died.
News reports say actress Evanna l**... has been seen suddenly falling asleep in public places
I suspect Narglepsy is behind it.
Skydiving humor
A news reporter was doing a story about skydiving and so he visited a drop zone and went for a ride on the plane to watch everyone jump. One of the plane's engines quit and all the skydivers immediately went out the door. Then the pilot put on his own parachute rig and headed toward the open door himself. The reporter yelled "What's happening? Is everything all right?" and the pilot said "Don't panic. I'm going to get help."
Two men are sitting at a bar when a news report comes on...
The TV grabs the men's attention as the reporter begins taking about a man standing on a bridge threatening to jump. The first man, having a taste for gallows humor, bets the second man $10 that he'll jump. The second man agrees and they continue drinking and watching the TV. About 10 minutes later the man jumps of the bridge, and the second man at the bar begins to take out his wallet.
"No, no," says the first man,"I saw the report earlier tonight, I knew he was going to jump the whole time."
"I saw it too," says the second man "I just didn't think he was s**... enough to do it again.
Whats the difference between a t**... and a freedom fighter?
Well mostly, it depends on who's reporting the news.
He's so lazy, that if he robbed a bank he wouldn't even count the money.
He'd just wait to find out in the news report.
Breaking News: cheesecake e**... in France
Multiple reports coming in that there was nothing left but de brie.
So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.
It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.
A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It stops on a dime."
Reports from Vietnam say they can taste Bakso in the sea.
In other news a tsunami recently hit Indonesia.
A young English farmer girl is watching a news report on the state of hospices in the country
She asks her father confusingly dad, what's a hospice?
Dad: About a gallon and a half
A news reporter returns to his job after 45 years
He would tell you what he found out, but you aren't a monk.
News reporter: How did you know who the criminal was to shoot him?
I'm a film major, I shoot mistakes for a living
The news reports of a Polish t**... who tried to blow up a bus...
Poor guy...burned his lips on the exhaust pipe...
Jack was deeply involved in finishing a report for the upcoming board meeting received a call from his wife that she had a good news and a bad news.
Because of the deadline he asked if she could just give him the good news. The wife replied "Okay, the good news is that the air bags work."
Will Smith sets a house on fire...
The police and news reporters show up, and ask Will for his response. He replies,
"Yahhhh, that's hot!"
Fox News is reporting President Trump's polling at an all-time low....
...with only a 108% approval rating.
Irish SAS
The Irish SAS were dropped into Russia last week with orders to take Vladimir Putin out……
So far…. news reports say …… he's been to the cinema twice……… and last night they went Ten Pin Bowling…..!
A blonde is watching the news on an airplane...
The news reporter says, "Three Brazilian children have been presumed dead after their home caught fire in the middle of the night."
The blonde jolts up in her seat in utter shock. She taps the shoulder of the passenger next to her, and exclaims, "Oh my god! How many children is a Bra-zillion!?"
A police officer was answering questions of a reporter at an accident site.
Officer: "I want your news report to mention that how useful a helmet can be. This person fell in a 30ft pit while riding a bike at 100mph, still there not a single scratch on his face because he was wearing a helmet."
Report: "Wow! That's just miraculous. Can we get an interview with that person?"
Officer: "Well, I'm afraid, not. We haven't found the rest of the body yet."
Reporter: "This local man is suffering with a disease that causes holes to suddenly appear on his body."
"Tonight, on the 6PM news, he opens up about his problem."
A 75 year old person goes to the doctor.
Doctor: We've received your reports. And I have a very bad news for you. You have Cancer and Alzheimer!
Patient: Oh! Well... At least, I don't have Cancer!
On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.
On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.
A guy from Moscow says to his wife:
Guy:- They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth.
He calls his cousin and asks,
Guy:- What's the weather like where you are?
Cousin:- It's around -20C I would say.
Guy:- I knew the news were lying, they said it was -50C.
Cousin:- Oh, well it might be outside.
A report came on the news that a maniac was driving the wrong way down the motorway.
I thought I had better give my grandad, who was visiting me, a call and warn him.
He said, "There's not just one, there's hundreds of them."