News Report Jokes
106 news report jokes and hilarious news report puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about news report that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest News Report Short Jokes
Short news report jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The news report humour may include short reporter jokes also.
- Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident. All involved were rushed to the ICU
- If you're genuinely asking me to choose between my career as a reporter and our relationship Well then I've got some news for you
- How do you distinguish between a news reporter and a chemist.... Ask them to pronounce "lead".
- Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea. Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned
- My girlfriend told me that it was either her, or my career as a news reporter I'm afraid I had some breaking news for her
- Pakistan launches a rocket to Moon. Pakistani News channel reports: "Water and fishes found on Moon."
BBC reports: "Pakistani satellite found in Arab sea." - Why should oceanographers be the Ones that report the news? They're always on top of current events!
- Local news reports a large dreidel display is being installed in the town square Until further notice, this is their top story.
- I have found the perfect crime. I'm going to steal a news van... They won't be able to report it.
- Report: Tom Brady to retire. Fans hoping for one more season reportedly deflated by the news.
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News Report One Liners
Which news report one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with news report? I can suggest the ones about news and news media.
- A news reporter introduces his new co-worker on air This Justin
- News reporter: who are you wearing? Me: no this is my own skin
- What do you call all the sacked news reporters in China? The orient ex-press
- What do news reporters like to say in bed? "This just in"
- I hate giving good people bad news But I'm a reporter at Fox so all I got is bad news.
- Did you hear the one about cable news reporting on Net Neutrality?
- News flash: Chapters truck caught speeding Police reported, "It was really booking it!"
- Whats the worst part about being a news reporter? The shootings
- What did the news reporter say when he banged his co-host? "This just in"
- I recently watched the news medias report on the presidential coverage. That's the joke.
- I am going tell you why news reporter are so successful After the break...
- Fox News gave an unbiased report on current events.
News Report Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about news report you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean breaking news jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make news report pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.
The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about how it felt to be marrying again at 80, and about her spouse.
The lady mentions hat her new husband is a f**... director.
Then the reporter asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands.
She pauses for a few moments, needing some time to reflect on all of those years. After a short time, she shares some details about her first husbands.
The first, she says, was a banker, whom she married in her 20s. In her 40s, she married a circus ringmaster. In her 60s, she married a preacher, and now, in her 80s, she's marrying a f**... director.
The reporter asks her why, if there was any reason, did she choose to marry those specific people.
She responds, "Well, I married one for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready, and four to go!"
What do Jeremy Lin after a win and Dove chocolate have in common?
They both give women one square inch of joy.
Came up with this after seeing the Dove commercial and remembering that Tweet from the news reporter about jeremy lin giving a girl three inches of pain.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just give them another chance!
So... The news reporters decided to end this "Blondes are s**..." myth once and for all. They go to the full football stadium and find three random Blondes.
REPORTER: "We want to end this myth once and for all, so we will ask you a simple question, if you answer correctly, Blondes will be forever free from this prejudice!"
1st BLONDE: "Ok, ask me anything."
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
1st BLONDE: "Ummm..... 5?"
REPORTER: "Wh... Wrong.."
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"
REPORTER: "Ok.. Ok..." asks the second blonde
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
2nd BLONDE: "Ummm..... 3?"
REPORTER: "NO!"
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"
REPORTER: "Ok! This is your last chance" asks the third blonde
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
3rd BLONDE: "Ummm..... 4?"
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Have you read the news?
I was reading the news the other day and came across a story from Vietnam. There were two gentlemen working in a rice p**... when one became enraged at the other and bludgeoned him to death with a small ceramic figurine. Reports indicate that this is the first ever case of knick-knack p**... whack.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Seatbelt
The police, several ambulances and news crews arrived at a car c**.... As the police were taking photos of the scene, one of them was being interviewed by a reporter. This was a terrible accident and he wanted to remind people to be cautious:
"Most of these people died because they didn't wear their seat belts. Look at this guy here, he didn't wear his seat belt and he flew through the windshield and his arms are nowhere to be found. Look at that girl there, she didn't wear her seat belt and she's missing her arms and legs. Look at that guy there, he didn't wear his seat belt and half of him is in the car while the other half on the street. Now let's check the other car. See, everyone had their seat belts on and they all look like they did when they were alive."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The post about the Auschwitz survivors reminded me about this. An old jewish man...
An old Jewish man played the lottery every day, and finally after a lifetime of buying tickets, he wins big. The very first thing he bought was a giant golden statue of Adolf h**... and put it on display in his front lawn.
Of course, the man became a local celebrity. He just won the lottery and everyone was coming by his house to congratulate him. A local news reporter stopped by and asked the old man, "Sir, congratulations on winning so much money! But I have to ask... What's with the giant statue of h**... on your front lawn?
The old man smiles... he rolls up his sleeve, reveals his forearm and says "Well... he DID give me the winning numbers.
(Yeah, I see you cringing)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are watching the evening news when they see a report of a man threatening to jump off the roof of a tall building in New Orleans.
Boudreaux tells Thibodeaux, "Hey watch dis guy. I bet you 40 dollars he jumps off dat roof."
Thibodeaux thinks about it a little and replies, "Okay, I'll take dat bet!"
A few seconds later the man jumps to his death.
Thibodeaux pulls out his wallet, cursing, and hands Boudreaux two twenties. Boudreaux giggles and says, "Thibodeaux, I gotta tell you something. I already saw dat. He jumped already on da 12 o'clock news."
Thibodeaux says, "Me too I saw it on da 12 o'clock news, but I didn't think that couillon would be s**... enough to jump again!"
A 90 year old woman is getting married for the fourth time.
A news crew is there to document the story. The reporter asks the woman about her odd marital past. "Let me get this right," he says. "Your first husband was a banker. Your second husband was a clown. Your third husband was a doctor, and you're about to marry a mortician. Why the menagerie of different men?" She smirked and said "It was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."
The anchorwoman on the local news just reported that Davy Jones from the Monkees has died
At first I didn't believe it. But then I saw her face.
A news reporter arrives at the house of the world's oldest man.
The man has just turned 115 years old. The reporter asks him "So, what would you say is the secret to your long life?" The man replies, "Well, I'd say that it has to do with my nature. I never argue with others, which I think has prevented a lot of stress." The reporter is baffled by this answer, and says, "Well, surely that can't be the only reason you've lived this long! Don't you think it has more to do with your diet or exercise regime?" The old man thinks about about it for a moment, and answers back, "You know, maybe you're right."
Weather Report...
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
News reports say a Muslim hid several Jews in a freezer at the kosher market in Paris last week
I guess the oven must have been broken
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
(Work in progress) I want to have s**... with a news reporter.
I want to have s**... with a news reporter.
As soon as enter her, I want to scream
"This Just In!"
News reports say that someone stole all the toilets from the police station downtown.
The cops have nothing to go on.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yellow Snow on the White House lawn
One winter morning, Bill Clinton woke up and looked out the window of his bedroom in the White House. He was shocked to see the words "Bill s**..." peed in the snow. He called the Secret Service to investigate the matter.
After a few days, the head of the Secret Service reported back to Bill, "I have bad news and I have worse news."
"Ok, let's hear the bad news."
"We did an analysis on the u**... and it belongs to Al Gore."
"And the worse news?"
"We did a handwriting analysis as well. It belongs to Hillary."
Trump is going to jail....
I just saw a news ticker where he is reportedly beating Hillary in Florida right now!
Islamic joke I saw somewhere
A man walking in New York's Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.
A passing Fox News reporter says: You're a hero. Tonight's TV news bulletin will say: 'Brave New Yorker Saves Child.
The man replies: I'm a tourist from Saudi Arabia.
That night the news on Fox TV says: Islamic extremist kills New York dog.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A news reporter was interviewing a man...
who was a witness to a public m**... incident. When asked why he did nothing to stop the perpetrator the man replied, "Well, he had it coming."
The Reporter of Puns!
There was once a reporter known for his unique puns. Every day for his newscast, he would share the news with a nice pun at the end. One day he recieved a story of ten people killed in a shooting. He delivered the story and at the end stated that there was no pun in ten dead.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Saul, the Jewish Lottery Winner
So Saul, a 90-year-old Jew, wins the $300 million lottery. He's at the news conference to accept the check, and the reporters ask him if there's anyone he'd like to thank.
"Yes," he says solemnly. "I'd like to thank my brother Eli for lending me the $5 to buy the ticket, and my brother David for driving me to the Circle-K to buy the ticket.
"Lastly, I'd like to thank Adolph h**...."
The silence was sudden and complete; you could hear a pin drop.
Finally a reporter raises a shaky hand and asks, "D-did you j-just say you w-wanted to thank H-h**...?"
"Yes, of course," Saul replies.
"Whatever for?"
Rolling his sleeve up, Saul points to the inside of his forearm. "For the NUMBERS!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was an e**... at my favorite restaurant last night.
News reports say that someone ordered the "chicken a la Hu-akbar."
Have I got news for you...
...said I when my girlfriend asked me to choose between her and a career as a reporter
What did they suicidal news reporter say when they went on air?
Lets get right into the noose.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar...
Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.
Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.
Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly. I f***ing hate you. You're also bald. I hope that you die soon. When I become president I will make sure to deport ugly and bald people like you."
The entire bar looks in shock. A news reporter, there at that time, says to a patron of the bar, who originated from the South, "What do you think of this?".
The patron replies "Absolutely f***ing disgusting - Bernie Sanders didn't say Merry Christmas!"
Asked my co-worker if saw the big news report...
He said which one, The Mac 'n Cheetos announcement or the UK doing something?
True story, from 3 min ago... 'Murica
The news report was that an elevator for the coal shaft broke down, trapping 27 workers
But it was just a miner inconvenience
Banking Crisis in Japan
Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is driving on the freeway
His wife calls him
Wife: Be careful honey, there was a news report about a crazy driver on the same freeway you're on
Man: I think all of them are crazy. Everyone's going backwards! (My friends told me this joke at school)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Local Hero saves lady from Dog
A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl! He kicks the dog, it dies!
Newspapers report: "Local Hero saves lady from Dog"
Man says I'm not American
Report changed: "Foreign Hero Saves girl from Dog"
Man says: Actually I'm Pakistani
Breaking News: "t**... killed Innocent Dog which was playing with a girl"
These reports of a major snowstorm hitting the Northeast don't concern me.
It's all just flake news.
A guy who left North Korea...
A guy who left North Korea came on the news today to describe his life there.
Reporter: "What were the conditions like in North Korea?"
Guy: " Ah, couldn't complain."
Reporter: "Well then why did you leave?"
Guy: "Ah, couldn't complain."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kim Jong-un & Donald Trump
Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".
The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.
When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years
Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".
The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.
When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!
CNN recently released a new report from one of Trumps closest aides. The unnamed source has disclosed that Trump has been diagnosed with sphincter dysfunction.
President Trump responded: "the news is fake, but the leaks are real."
A place got lit on fire
But the firefighters were too late to reach and put it out. Media arrived as well to which one of the firefighter giving report said, "I've got a good news and a bad news, the bad news is, 41 children died in that fire. But the good news is it was an orphanage, so I have no parents to notify"
Did you hear about the amputee who escaped the hospital after being fitted with his prosthetics?
You might want to watch out. News reports claim that he is armed and dangerous
After his visit to Poland, Reports say 74 percent of the natives thought President Trumps visit was a failure...
Trump responded, "THE POLS are WRONG, FAKE NEWS!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Sun Mission
Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV. When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!
What's the most unbiased news source?
National Geographic because in the end they always report the bad side to donkeys and elephants, not exclusively one.
Great news, my boss said I have an outstanding report!
Funny, thing is I don't remember doing one.
A blonde and a businessman are watching the 11 o'clock news when reports of a jumper on the roof comes on.
The businessman turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $20 that the guy jumps."
The blonde agrees and 5 minutes later the guy jumps. As the blonde takes out her wallet to pay the businessman, he says, "no it's ok, i saw this story on the 8 o'clock news and i knew that would happen."
The blonde turns to the man with a somber expression and says, "I watched it too, but I didn't think he'd jump again."
"Mr President, we have an emergency situation, CNN is reporting a major snow storm for the Washington DC area!"
"Stop that! This is just FLAKE NEWS" Trump replied.
There was a shark that wanted to be a reporter so a news station gave him a try,
but when he went on air, he died.
Japanese Banking Crisis
Worrying news from the Japanese financial markets. Following last week`s disclosure that the Origami Bank had folded, we hear that the Sumo Bank has just gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived, 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and Karaoke Bank is up for sale and going for a song. Analysts also report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. But Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
News reports say actress Evanna l**... has been seen suddenly falling asleep in public places
I suspect Narglepsy is behind it.
Skydiving humor
A news reporter was doing a story about skydiving and so he visited a drop zone and went for a ride on the plane to watch everyone jump. One of the plane's engines quit and all the skydivers immediately went out the door. Then the pilot put on his own parachute rig and headed toward the open door himself. The reporter yelled "What's happening? Is everything all right?" and the pilot said "Don't panic. I'm going to get help."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are sitting at a bar when a news report comes on...
The TV grabs the men's attention as the reporter begins taking about a man standing on a bridge threatening to jump. The first man, having a taste for gallows humor, bets the second man $10 that he'll jump. The second man agrees and they continue drinking and watching the TV. About 10 minutes later the man jumps of the bridge, and the second man at the bar begins to take out his wallet.
"No, no," says the first man,"I saw the report earlier tonight, I knew he was going to jump the whole time."
"I saw it too," says the second man "I just didn't think he was s**... enough to do it again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats the difference between a t**... and a freedom fighter?
Well mostly, it depends on who's reporting the news.
He's so lazy, that if he robbed a bank he wouldn't even count the money.
He'd just wait to find out in the news report.
A blonde sits down in a bar next to a redhead.
A blonde sits down in a bar next to a redhead. Both of them are having a good time when the news comes on.
The news reporter shouts out a man is on the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!
The redhead leans over to the blonde and whispers I bet you $50 that the mans gonna jump
The blonde replies, You're on .
A few moments later, the man jumps and the blonde turns to the redhead and hands over the $50.
The redhead starts to feel guilty and says I can't take your money, I saw the news earlier this morning, I knew he was gonna jump off the cliff
The blonde says well, I saw it too, but I didn't think he was going to jump off again!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Breaking News: cheesecake e**... in France
Multiple reports coming in that there was nothing left but de brie.
So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.
It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.
A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It stops on a dime."
Reports from Vietnam say they can taste Bakso in the sea.
In other news a tsunami recently hit Indonesia.
A young English farmer girl is watching a news report on the state of hospices in the country
She asks her father confusingly dad, what's a hospice?
Dad: About a gallon and a half
A news reporter returns to his job after 45 years
He would tell you what he found out, but you aren't a monk.
News reporter: How did you know who the criminal was to shoot him?
I'm a film major, I shoot mistakes for a living
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The news reports of a Polish t**... who tried to blow up a bus...
Poor guy...burned his lips on the exhaust pipe...
Jack was deeply involved in finishing a report for the upcoming board meeting received a call from his wife that she had a good news and a bad news.
Because of the deadline he asked if she could just give him the good news. The wife replied "Okay, the good news is that the air bags work."
Will Smith sets a house on fire...
The police and news reporters show up, and ask Will for his response. He replies,
"Yahhhh, that's hot!"
Fox News is reporting President Trump's polling at an all-time low....
...with only a 108% approval rating.
Breaking news!
Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.
Carlos Ray Chuck Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.
Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions of people.
He was also a master of martial arts, which was the cause of his initial fame in the movie industry.
However, after his minor inconvenience of death, Chuck has made a full recovery, and is reported to be doing quite well.
It has also been reported that the Corona virus is in self isolation for 14 days due to being exposed to Chuck Norris.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A passenger jet makes an emergency landing after an engine failure
A news crew is interviewing people coming off the plane.
Sir, asked the reporter, where you scared?
No, replied the man, I'm a Catholic, I prayed to St. Christopher, and I knew my faith would protect me.
The reporter moves on to the next available passenger, Sir, what was going through your mind?
I wasn't afraid, as an Evangelical, I know I've been saved.
The reporter, exasperated, moves on to a third passenger, Sir, I suppose you're also religious?
Yes, I'm a E-copalian
What's that?
I'm not sure anymore, but I know that landing scared the p**... out of me.
Irish SAS
The Irish SAS were dropped into Russia last week with orders to take Vladimir Putin out……
So far…. news reports say …… he's been to the cinema twice……… and last night they went Ten Pin Bowling…..!
A blonde is watching the news on an airplane...
The news reporter says, "Three Brazilian children have been presumed dead after their home caught fire in the middle of the night."
The blonde jolts up in her seat in utter shock. She taps the shoulder of the passenger next to her, and exclaims, "Oh my god! How many children is a Bra-zillion!?"
A police officer was answering questions of a reporter at an accident site.
Officer: "I want your news report to mention that how useful a helmet can be. This person fell in a 30ft pit while riding a bike at 100mph, still there not a single scratch on his face because he was wearing a helmet."
Report: "Wow! That's just miraculous. Can we get an interview with that person?"
Officer: "Well, I'm afraid, not. We haven't found the rest of the body yet."
Reporter: "This local man is suffering with a disease that causes holes to suddenly appear on his body."
"Tonight, on the 6PM news, he opens up about his problem."