News Jokes

Following is our collection of informant humor and newsflash one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include News puns for adults, dirty reporter jokes or clean good news bad news gags for kids.

There is an abundance of headline jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 54 funniest jokes on news. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any good news bad news witze you can hear about news.

The Best jokes about News

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.


A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.

Me: What are you trying to say?

Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.


In breaking news, Trump's personal library has burned down

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished coloring the second one

A blonde and her husband are watching the news...

News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.

The blonde bursts into tears

Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.

Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, I have good news and bad news.

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

"The bad news is it's brain cancer."

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.


A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.

She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

Roe vs Wade is in the news again.

Right now, it's the two main forms of Houston transportation

My wife gave me some bad news today

"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."

"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"

I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."

The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the hell are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"

I think You're mistaken my lady.

Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"


Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.

George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane crash early this morning.

Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.

Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"

I was reading in the news that a dwarf got pickpocketed...

how could anyone stoop so low

One day, the President finds a nasty message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.

He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.


"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."


"What's the bad news?"


"The urine belongs to the Vice President."


"What could possibly be worse than that?"


"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"

As she watches the news, an elderly woman calls her husband in concern.

She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.

"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."

Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"

Denise and WHAT?!

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.

"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."

"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"

"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.

Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"

"Danephew."

On average, an American man will have sex

two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars

The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn

Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.

All involved were rushed to the ICU

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live. He says: 'What's the bad news?

The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'

A dad and his son are watching the news when a story about gay marriage pops up.

the son asks, "dad, what does gay mean?"

the dad replies quickly, "gay means happy."

The son looks at him and asks him, "are you gay?"

"no son, i have a wife..."

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "My dear husband, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 10. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said the husband, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who's speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: I know! There's like hundreds of them!

A man gets a call from his doctor

The doctor says "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news"

The man says "Give me the good news first doc"

The doctor replies "Well, they're going to name a disease after you"

A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.

After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.

Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so stupid! What did he name my daughter?

Doctor: Denise.

Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?

Doctor: Denephew.

Bad news about shortbread!

They're not making it any longer.

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.

Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.

Schrodinger is waiting in a veterinary hospital for news on his cat...

The nurse comes in and says

"Sir,, I have good news and bad news."

Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung:

They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.

Apparently there's a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn't be affected.

So, SchrΓΆdinger walks into a vet with his cat. The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."

Doctor's visit

Doctor: It's bad news, Jim.

Jim: What is it, doc?

Doctor: You have to stop masturbating.

Jim: Oh god...why?

Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.

I'm concerned with the world news at the moment. Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York,

and I was thinking.

"If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere".

Doctor: "I have some bad news, and some very bad news"

Patient:"Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor:"The lab called and told me you only have 24 hours to live."

Patient:"24 hours!? That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

Doctor:"Your phone has been off, and I've been trying to reach you since yesterday..."


[Edited to clarify punchline...I guess. xP]

News just in:

Someone has been killed with a starter pistol !!!

Police think it might be race related..............

Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...

The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.

Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hung for his crimes.

Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.

Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?

"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.

Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.

He replies: "Fake noose."

Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!"

Doctor: "You have AIDS."

Patient: "What's the good news?"

Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."

Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

Just found out watermelons are 92% water......

In completely unrelated news, I'm never eating another kumquat.

An elderly man was driving down the highway when his phone rang.

It was his wife urgently warning him: Honey, I just heard on the news that there's some lunatic in a car going the wrong way on the highway. Please be careful!

It's worse than that, said the man, It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes