News Jokes

188 news jokes and hilarious news puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about news that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

We've all heard the jokes, now get ready for the news. Read up on what the BBC and The Two Ronnies have to say about the good and bad news around the world. Find out about the latest news on Saud, the informant and more. Laugh along as you get informed with news jokes.

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Funniest News Short Jokes

Short news jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The news humour may include short headline jokes also.

  1. Breaking News: bill gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall On the condition he gets to install windows.
  2. Antiwork did an interview on fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub It didn't work.
  3. I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa. Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
  4. Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found. Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.
  5. Breaking News Trump's personal library just burned down The fire consumed both books and he hasn't even finished coloring the second one
  6. A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head." "The bad news is it's brain cancer."
  7. My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it's doing really well I just have to figure out how to break the news to her
  8. It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes. I was also disappointed by BBC news.
  9. Fox News actually saved my life. I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to Fox and I had to get up to turn it off.
  10. Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning? Apparently they still have 500 million users.

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News One Liners

Which news one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with news? I can suggest the ones about media and article.

  1. Doctor: Sir, I have some bad news, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards Me: and?
  2. Schrodinger took his cat to the vet. The vet said, I have good news and bad news.
  3. Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire? They left it too close to the gaslight.
  4. I was reading in the news that a dwarf got pickpocketed... how could anyone stoop so low
  5. Sad news…the creator of autocorrect has died restaurant in piece 🕯
  6. Bad news about shortbread! They're not making it any longer.
  7. Went to the doctor's today, he told me I was going deaf That news was hard for me to hear
  8. I have an addiction to brake fluid. The good news is I can stop anytime I want.
  9. Sad news, my obese parrot died today. Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
  10. BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs... More below.
  11. Yesterday, I found out I was colorblind The news came out of the green.
  12. I found out some sad news today. My German teacher passed away. Au revoir, amigo.
  13. a pun walked in, killed 10 people, the news paper headline was.. Pun in, 10 dead.
  14. Sad news for music lovers today.... Justin Bieber was found in his hotel room, alive.
  15. North Korea is calling for war. In other news, it's Saturday.

Good News Jokes

Here is a list of funny good news jokes and even better good news puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news Patient: What's the good news?
    Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.
  • Wife: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?" Husband: "The good news."
    Wife: "The good news is that your car's airbag worked perfectly."
  • A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live. He says: 'What's the bad news? The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'
  • Schrodinger is waiting in a veterinary hospital for news on his cat... The nurse comes in and says
    "Sir,, I have good news and bad news."
  • So, Schrödinger walks into a vet with his cat. The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
  • Apparently there's a beef shortage on the rise. Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn't be affected.
  • Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!" Doctor: "You have AIDS."
    Patient: "What's the good news?"
    Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."
    Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."
  • Good news! Now that OnlyFans is getting rid of adult content Your local restaurants will be able to hire servers again.
  • Good news The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
    The patient said, "Give me the good news."
    "They're going to name a disease after you."
  • A doctor walked in to see a patient. I've got good news and bad news. The patient say, What's the good news?
    Doctor, They're going to name a disease after you.

Good News Bad News Jokes

Here is a list of funny good news bad news jokes and even better good news bad news puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic. Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
    Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
    Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you.
  • Wife: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first? Husband: The good news.
    Wife: "Your car's airbag worked perfectly."
  • A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck. The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.
  • Good news and Bad news wife: i have a good news and a bad new.
    Husband: i am very busy.Just give me good news.
    wife: The airbags worked properly in our new BMW.
  • A pilot is making an announcement to his passengers "We got some good news, and some bad news. The good news is you guys will be on TV tonight!"
  • Before my buddy died I asked him if there was football in heaven. A few days later I saw his ghost. He said
    "Good news, there is. Bad news, you're playing in goal tomorrow."
  • Bad news: I spilled coffee on my keyboard Good news: It's all under control
  • Husband: "I have good news and bad news" Wife: "Tell me the bad news first."
    Husband: "The washing machine broke."
    Wife: "And the good news?"
    Husband: "The dogs are clean."
  • Guy getting test results from his doctor and the doctor says "we have some good news and some bad news" "The good news is, we're going to name a disease after you"
  • The bad news is, one of the earliest signs of cognitive impairment is the inability to finish sentences. The good news Is
News joke, The bad news is, one of the earliest signs of cognitive impairment is the inability to finish senten

Breaking News Jokes

Here is a list of funny breaking news jokes and even better breaking news puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
  • Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese. This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.
  • Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn
  • Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident. All involved were rushed to the ICU
  • Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated... "Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".
  • Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway, Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals
  • My girlfriend said I believe in you and it made me happy. But then I realised she had just affected a culturally inappropriate Jamaican accent to break the news that she was moving out.
  • My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor. More on this after the break.
  • Breaking News: The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet.
  • BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond 17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding.

News Years Jokes

Here is a list of funny news years jokes and even better news years puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The movie Titanic turns 25 later this year. In related news, Leonardo DiCaprio said he is no longer interested in seeing it.
  • The fortune teller told me I'd lose one of my closest friends in 13-14 years. To cope with this news, I bought a puppy.
  • The news today about a woman who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants. She has been arrested and lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.
  • I just read an article in the news that Kim Jong Un reads more than 1,000 books a year... I guess that's why they call him the Supreme Reader.
  • When I was 10 years old, I would often impersonate news anchormen More at 11
  • I went to my doctor last year. They said they had good news and bad news.
    The good news is I had a year to live.
    The bad news was it was 2020.
  • My wife and I decided after 13 years of being married we aren't going to have kids. We're still trying to figure out how exactly to break the news to them
  • Meteorologists have forecast snow throughout the US for the entire year of 2018 Flake news
  • If I had a dollar every time a news story features the president in these 4 years... News stories will start to feature me in the next 4 years.
  • Breaking News: Legal alien lived a lavish lifestyle for years by impersonating music icon Sting. Today he finally turned himself into the police.
News joke, Breaking News: Legal alien lived a lavish lifestyle for years by impersonating music icon Sting.

Happy News Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends

What funny jokes about news you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean journal jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make news pranks.

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

A guy gets a call from his Doctor...

The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."
The guy says "What's the bad news?"
The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."
The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."

Denise and WHAT?!

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...

...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."

George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane c**... early this morning.
Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.
Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"

As she watches the news, an elderly woman calls her husband in concern.

She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.
"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."
Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"

Good news and bad news.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Patient: Ok, well... Give me the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24-Hours to live.
Patient: How is that good news?!? What's the bad news then??
Doctor: I've been trying to call you since yesterday.

Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung:

They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.

A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller

Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."

Did you hear about the paperboy who m**... on the job?

It was all over the news!
(Can't remember where I heard this, so sorry if its a repost)

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "My dear husband, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 10. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said the husband, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

A man gets a call from his doctor

The doctor says "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news"
The man says "Give me the good news first doc"
The doctor replies "Well, they're going to name a disease after you"

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

On average, an American man will have s**...

two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have s**... only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

One day, the President finds a n**... message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.

He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.
"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"The u**... belongs to the Vice President."
"What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."

News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.

Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"
"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.

After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.
Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so s**...! What did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise.
Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew.

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

An old man is in his Volvo driving home from work...

... when his wife rings him on his cellphone.
"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now; some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".
"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"

Doctor: "I have some bad news, and some very bad news"

Patient:"Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor:"The lab called and told me you only have 24 hours to live."
Patient:"24 hours!? That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
Doctor:"Your phone has been off, and I've been trying to reach you since yesterday..."
[Edited to clarify punchline...I guess. xP]

Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.

A doctor walks into the room and says, " I have good news and I have bad news"

*"What's the good news?"*
"***I*** don't have cancer"

BREAKING NEWS!! Cheese Factory e**......

De-Brie is everywhere!

Stop spreading the fake news that women are forced to wear hijabs.

It's their free choice between wearing them or getting s**... to death.

Doctor: Ok let's start with the good news

Doctor: Your son will always find an available parking slot.

Dear Fox News.....

I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely, Disappointed viewer.....

A dad and his son are watching the news when a story about gay marriage pops up.

the son asks, "dad, what does gay mean?"
the dad replies quickly, "gay means happy."
The son looks at him and asks him, "are you gay?"
"no son, i have a wife..."

My wife gave me some bad news today

"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."
"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"
I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.

Doctor's visit

Doctor: It's bad news, Jim.
Jim: What is it, doc?
Doctor: You have to stop m**....
Jim: Oh god...why?
Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.

If you're genuinely asking me to choose between my career as a reporter and our relationship

Well then I've got some news for you

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.
Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

I'm concerned with the world news at the moment. Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York,

and I was thinking.
"If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere".

Roe vs Wade is in the news again.

Right now, it's the two main forms of Houston transportation

I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding,

terrible reception.

News just in:

Someone has been killed with a starter p**... !!!
Police think it might be race related..............

Just found out watermelons are 92% water......

In completely unrelated news, I'm never eating another k**....

A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

A blonde and her husband are watching the news...

News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who's speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: I know! There's like hundreds of them!

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.

She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

Stalin loses his pipe...

...he tells the KGB chairman to find Stalin's pipe.
Three days later, Stalin finds his pipe under a sofa. He calls the chairman to tell him that he can call off the search.
Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: "But that's impossible! Three people have already confessed to stealing the pipe!"

When I heard the news that 12 Thai schoolboys had been rescued from underground...

I had to run home and make sure my basement was still padlocked.

Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...

The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.
Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hung for his crimes.
Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.
Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?
"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.
Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.
He replies: "Fake noose."

Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.

News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.
Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

The head of KFC called the Pope

He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 10 million.
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 100 million.
The Pope said, "You have a deal!"
The Pope got all the churches big wigs together and said, "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, we are 100 million richer. Bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account.

An elderly man was driving down the highway when his phone rang.

It was his wife urgently warning him: Honey, I just heard on the news that there's some lunatic in a car going the wrong way on the highway. Please be careful!
It's worse than that, said the man, It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"
Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"
His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"

My wife is leaving me because she's fed up with me talking like a news anchor.

More on this story later...

What's the difference between a Shakespeare comedy and Fox News?

One's The Taming of the Shrew, the other is the shaming of the true.

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.
Third and most important.
3. He should be great in bed.
One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."
The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the h**... are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"
I think You're mistaken my lady.
Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"

A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.
When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said I have some sad news.

Tell me, old friend said the faithful Tonto.
Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer
Bad spirits, replied his old companion.
The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?
Chemo, sabe
Ps this is my first joke post ever so I hope I did it right.

I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.

The cop said you know, the news says those things are killing people.
I chuckled and said they're saying the same thing about you guys.
He didn't laugh.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

News joke, People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their countr

jokes about news