The Best 61 News Jokes

Following is our collection of funny News jokes. There are some news newsflash jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these news good news bad news puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest News Jokes and Puns

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.

Me: What are you trying to say?

Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

News joke, I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

Denise and WHAT?!

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.

"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."

"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"

"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.

Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"

"Danephew."

I was reading in the news that a dwarf got pickpocketed...

how could anyone stoop so low


George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane crash early this morning.

Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.

Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"

As she watches the news, an elderly woman calls her husband in concern.

She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.

"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."

Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"

News joke, As she watches the news, an elderly woman calls her husband in concern.

Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung:

They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

So, SchrΓΆdinger walks into a vet with his cat. The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."

You can explore news informant reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean news reporter dad jokes. There are also news puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "My dear husband, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 10. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said the husband, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

A man gets a call from his doctor

The doctor says "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news"

The man says "Give me the good news first doc"

The doctor replies "Well, they're going to name a disease after you"

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

On average, an American man will have sex

two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

One day, the President finds a nasty message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.

He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.

"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."

"What's the bad news?"

"The urine belongs to the Vice President."

"What could possibly be worse than that?"

"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."

News joke, One day, the President finds a nasty message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.

News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.

Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.

Bad news about shortbread!

They're not making it any longer.

A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.

After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.

Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so stupid! What did he name my daughter?

Doctor: Denise.

Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?

Doctor: Denephew.


Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.

Schrodinger is waiting in a veterinary hospital for news on his cat...

The nurse comes in and says

"Sir,, I have good news and bad news."

In breaking news, Trump's personal library has burned down

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished coloring the second one

Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars

The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn

A dad and his son are watching the news when a story about gay marriage pops up.

the son asks, "dad, what does gay mean?"

the dad replies quickly, "gay means happy."

The son looks at him and asks him, "are you gay?"

"no son, i have a wife..."

My wife gave me some bad news today

"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."

"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"

I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.

Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

Roe vs Wade is in the news again.

Right now, it's the two main forms of Houston transportation

A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

A blonde and her husband are watching the news...

News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.

The blonde bursts into tears

Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.

Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?

A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live. He says: 'What's the bad news?

The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who's speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: I know! There's like hundreds of them!

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.

She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, I have good news and bad news.

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

"The bad news is it's brain cancer."

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"

Apparently there's a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn't be affected.

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.

One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."

The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the hell are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"

I think You're mistaken my lady.

Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"

A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.

All involved were rushed to the ICU

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.

The cop said you know, the news says those things are killing people.

I chuckled and said they're saying the same thing about you guys.

He didn't laugh.

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed Trump Sucks in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .

Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst KΓ€se scenario.

In breaking news, Trump's personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn't even finished coloring the second one.



Doctor: Sir, I have some bad news, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards

Me: and?

It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes.

I was also disappointed by BBC news.

Fox News actually saved my life.

I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to Fox and I had to get up to turn it off.

Legal Humor

A recent news headline indicated that lawyers were now being used as experimental test subjects in place of laboratory rats. I read further because this just didn't seem right, but the story gave several very solid reasons for the substitution of lawyers for rats.

First: There are more of them.

Second: The researchers had a tendency to become attached to the laboratory rats.

Third: There are just some things you can't get a rat to do.

Good news! I am about to publish a Reddit Jokes Book with all the different jokes ever posted on this page!

I'm just waiting for the first publisher to agree on publishing a book with only 4 pages.

Bad news. I got fired from my job at the bank today.

I mean, it was an easy mistake... An elderly woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

3 Docs needed…

A Doctor was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.

The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We have already opened an 18 year old RARE SINGLE MALT GLENFIDDICH WHISKEY..

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was moving out, his wife asked, "Is it serious..?"

"Oh yes, quite", said the doctor gravely. Shaking his head, he muttered "Only18 years old. 3 doctors are there already..!"

Great news! The U.S. is now 61.7% fully vaccinated ...

... and 28.4% fully dewormed.

Some breaking English football news.

Arsenal are to allow their goal keepers, to train without a mask,

club doctors confirm.

There's no way they can catch anything..

Doctor: Well sir, I have some bad news... You have a very rare disease.

Parient: How rare is it?

Doctor: You get to pick a name.

I have an addiction to brake fluid.

The good news is I can stop anytime I want.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the news headline jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working news good news bad news piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes