News Jokes
187 news jokes and hilarious news puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about news that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
We've all heard the jokes, now get ready for the news. Read up on what the BBC and The Two Ronnies have to say about the good and bad news around the world. Find out about the latest news on Saud, the informant and more. Laugh along as you get informed with news jokes.
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Funniest News Short Jokes
Short news jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The news humour may include short headline jokes also.
- Breaking News: bill gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall On the condition he gets to install windows.
- Antiwork did an interview on fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub It didn't work.
- Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found. Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.
- Breaking News Trump's personal library just burned down The fire consumed both books and he hasn't even finished coloring the second one
- A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head." "The bad news is it's brain cancer."
- My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it's doing really well I just have to figure out how to break the news to her
- It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes. I was also disappointed by BBC news.
- Fox News actually saved my life. I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to Fox and I had to get up to turn it off.
- Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning? Apparently they still have 500 million users.
- Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.
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News One Liners
Which news one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with news? I can suggest the ones about article and journal.
- Doctor: Sir, I have some bad news, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards Me: and?
- Schrodinger took his cat to the vet. The vet said, I have good news and bad news.
- Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire? They left it too close to the gaslight.
- I was reading in the news that a dwarf got pickpocketed... how could anyone stoop so low
- Sad news…the creator of autocorrect has died restaurant in piece 🕯
- Bad news about shortbread! They're not making it any longer.
- Went to the doctor's today, he told me I was going deaf That news was hard for me to hear
- BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs... More below.
- I found out some sad news today. My German teacher passed away. Au revoir, amigo.
- Sad news for music lovers today.... Justin Bieber was found in his hotel room, alive.
- North Korea is calling for war. In other news, it's Saturday.
- Has anyone heard of the disastrous news about the CPU chip flaws? seems like bad intel..
- Sad news from Australia The inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
- I like my women like I like my news… Without an opinion
- If you think Friday is a sad day, I've got some bad news for you. Tomorrow is Sadder Day.
Good News Jokes
Here is a list of funny good news jokes and even better good news puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Wife: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?" Husband: "The good news."
Wife: "The good news is that your car's airbag worked perfectly." - Apparently there's a beef shortage on the rise. Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn't be affected.
- Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!" Doctor: "You have AIDS."
Patient: "What's the good news?"
Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."
Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS." - Good news! Now that OnlyFans is getting rid of adult content Your local restaurants will be able to hire servers again.
- Doctor: Ok let's start with the good news Doctor: Your son will always find an available parking slot.
- A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic. Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you. - A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck. The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.
- A pilot is making an announcement to his passengers "We got some good news, and some bad news. The good news is you guys will be on TV tonight!"
- It's good that we aren't hearing about priests in the news lately. It seems that kids these days are finally learning how to keep a secret.
- Before my buddy died I asked him if there was football in heaven. A few days later I saw his ghost. He said
"Good news, there is. Bad news, you're playing in goal tomorrow."
Good News Bad News Jokes
Here is a list of funny good news bad news jokes and even better good news bad news puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Bad news: I spilled coffee on my keyboard Good news: It's all under control
- Husband: "I have good news and bad news" Wife: "Tell me the bad news first."
Husband: "The washing machine broke."
Wife: "And the good news?"
Husband: "The dogs are clean." - The bad news is, one of the earliest signs of cognitive impairment is the inability to finish sentences. The good news Is
- Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news First the good news: we definitely established that you are not a hypochondriac.
- A doctor says to his patient, "I have good new and bad news..." Patient: "I'd like the good news first"
Doctor : "Well, you're going to have a disease named after you..." - Boss, I have good news and bad news Whats the bad news?
Im retiring today
Whats the good news?
Im retiring today - Doctor says, "I've got good news and bad news…" The bad news is that you have Alzheimer's.
The good news is now you can hide your own Easter eggs! - Good news! I finally signed up for a 401K! Bad news: I work for a marathon organization
- I went to my doctor last year. They said they had good news and bad news.
The good news is I had a year to live.
The bad news was it was 2020. - The good news is that they've started shipping the COVID vaccines. The bad news is that they are shipping them on the 737 MAX.
Breaking News Jokes
Here is a list of funny breaking news jokes and even better breaking news puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese. This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.
- Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident. All involved were rushed to the ICU
- Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated... "Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".
- Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway, Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals
- My girlfriend said I believe in you and it made me happy. But then I realised she had just affected a culturally inappropriate Jamaican accent to break the news that she was moving out.
- BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond 17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with Ethiopian still actively feeding.
- I asked the B-52s where i could find a Pope They told me "Rome if you want two!" Had to break the news about benedict to them.
- BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump does not accept presidential election... Says he doesn't want to move into an estate which previously had black tenants.
- Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea. Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned
- BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground... Both books were completely destroyed.
The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.
News Years Jokes
Here is a list of funny news years jokes and even better news years puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The movie Titanic turns 25 later this year. In related news, Leonardo DiCaprio said he is no longer interested in seeing it.
- When I was 10 years old, I would often impersonate news anchormen More at 11
- My wife and I decided after 13 years of being married we aren't going to have kids. We're still trying to figure out how exactly to break the news to them
- Meteorologists have forecast snow throughout the US for the entire year of 2018 Flake news
- If I had a dollar every time a news story features the president in these 4 years... News stories will start to feature me in the next 4 years.
- Breaking News: Legal alien lived a lavish lifestyle for years by impersonating music icon Sting. Today he finally turned himself into the police.
- I've got some good news for small mothers... They're raising the mini mum wage next year!
- Big news today in the World Reverse-Parking Championship.... Last years winner just backed out!
- What's the difference between ancient religious texts and fake news? A little over 2000 years
- (real news) Chinese archaeologists have discovered the country's oldest mathematics document, written on bamboo more than 2,200 years ago! Even more amazing - one of the answers is wrong.
Happy News Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about news you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean announcement jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make news pranks.
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband and wife are in a car c**...
They are both badly injured, but recover soon enough. However, the wife's face was badly injured during the c**... and she needs a skin graft to replace the skin on her cheeks.
The doctor says "The good news is, we know just the place to find the skin for your cheeks." He turns to the husband and says, "The bad news, however, is that the skin needs to come from your buttocks."
The husband quickly agrees. The wife says, "Honey, are you sure?" He says, "Of course, you're my wife, I would do anything for you!"
And so, the operation occurs. The wife's face is as restored as can be.
A while later, the wife says "Honey, how can I ever thank you for this?"
"You don't need to. I get all the satisfaction I need when my dear mother-in-law kisses your cheek."
Bad News
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
For my cake day, a joke...
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Un Deux t**...
A French cat called Un Deux t**... attempted to swim the English Channel last weekend but sadly didn't make it and drowned. It was all over the news the next day; "Un Duex t**... Cat Sank"
Denise and WHAT?!
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...
...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My buddy has big news...
He comes to me one day and says "Dude, you'll never believe it, I'm b**... twins."
"That's awesome" I reply "but how can you tell them apart?"
"Easy" he says "Marys got long blonde hair and Steves got a moustache."
First joke I ever learned
An elderly man arrives home from bingo and his wife comes running up to him.
"Thank goodness you're home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!"
He responds, "*A* Lunatic? There were hundreds of them!"
Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung:
They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.
A comfortably old joke
A doctor runs a test on an elderly lady in the hospital and comes in to her room to read her the results.
"I have some bad news, and some more bad news. You have cancer, and you also have Alzheimer's disease"
The woman says "Well at least I don't have cancer."
Job Fatality in Ireland
An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.
She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"
"Yes, tis" says the priest.
"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She gasps.
"There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"
"Was it a quick death, father?"
"Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee"
Meanwhile in business news...
...balloon prices are plummeting. Experts are putting it down to a poor inflation rate
A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller
Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the paperboy who m**... on the job?
It was all over the news!
(Can't remember where I heard this, so sorry if its a repost)
A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"
I should have told you yesterday.
"Son, I have some good news and some bad news."
"OK..." he hesitated.
"Well, the good news is...I got you a replacement hamster." I said.
"A...replacement..?" he stopped, as a tear ran down his cheek.
"Yes, and that leads me to the bad news," I added, "You are adopted."
"24 hours to live!!"
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day, the President finds a n**... message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.
He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.
"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"The u**... belongs to the Vice President."
"What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."
News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.
Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Frustrated p**....
There was this hard working p**... who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart. The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".
"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."
"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"
"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."
Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.
"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."
An old man is in his Volvo driving home from work...
... when his wife rings him on his cellphone.
"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now; some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".
"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"
Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...
This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor walks into the room and says, " I have good news and I have bad news"
*"What's the good news?"*
"***I*** don't have cancer"
My favourite joke ever
So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?"
"Its dead", the midwife says.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
BREAKING NEWS!! Cheese Factory e**......
De-Brie is everywhere!
A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live...
Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"
Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't watch the news anymore
I just lie to my self and cut out the middle man.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Stop spreading the fake news that women are forced to wear hijabs.
It's their free choice between wearing them or getting s**... to death.
Dear Fox News.....
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely, Disappointed viewer.....
My wife gave me some bad news today
"But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."
"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"
I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At least my massive s**... wasn't all bad news.
My poker playing has improved by about 50%.
If you're genuinely asking me to choose between my career as a reporter and our relationship
Well then I've got some news for you
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... is in his Bunker
One day, h**... is in his bunker planning his strategy for the next phase of the war when there is a knock at the door. He says "enter" and Goebbels walks in.
"What is it Goebbels? Can't you see I'm busy?!" asks h**..., clearly irritated.
"Mein Fuhrer," says Goebbels, "I have news. The Italians joined the war today."
"No problem," replies h**..., "send a division against them."
"Mein Fuhrer, they are on our side."
"Ah," says h**..., "then send two divisions."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm concerned with the world news at the moment. Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York,
and I was thinking.
"If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere".
Roe vs Wade is in the news again.
Right now, it's the two main forms of Houston transportation
I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding,
terrible reception.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
News just in:
Someone has been killed with a starter p**... !!!
Police think it might be race related..............
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had my prostate checked the other day...
He said, "Bad news. You are going have to stop m**...."
"What?... Permanently?..."
"No. Just while I am examining you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just found out watermelons are 92% water......
In completely unrelated news, I'm never eating another k**....
What newspaper does a triangle read?
...the *hypotenews*
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...
News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Translated Chinese joke
Good news: Today is the little Johnny's first time flying!
Bad news: The engine caught fire as soon as he took off
Good news: He took a parachute with him so he could bail out
Bad news: The parachute failed midair
Good news: He saw a huge stack of hay right beneath him
Bad news: The top of the haystack is smeared with s**...t
Good news: He didn't land on the s**...t
Bad news: He didn't land on the haystack either
Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who's speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.
She replied: I know! There's like hundreds of them!
Doctor- I've got good news and bad news...
Take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life and all your symptoms will disappear.
Man- That's great! But I see there are only three pills in this bottle.
Doctor- Yeah, well... I was getting to the bad news.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wife went to the beach and didn't return. A husband called the police.
The police came in a week.
- We have 3 news for you: good, bad and great.
- Let's start with the bad one.
- Your wife drowned - we pulled her out of the water.
- And what is the good news?
- We have picked up a bucket of large c**... from her body.
- And what is the great news?
- We'll pull it out again tomorrow. Let's go for a beer!
A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.
She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.
Stalin loses his pipe...
...he tells the KGB chairman to find Stalin's pipe.
Three days later, Stalin finds his pipe under a sofa. He calls the chairman to tell him that he can call off the search.
Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: "But that's impossible! Three people have already confessed to stealing the pipe!"
When I heard the news that 12 Thai schoolboys had been rescued from underground...
I had to run home and make sure my basement was still padlocked.
Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...
The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.
Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hung for his crimes.
Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.
Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?
"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.
Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.
He replies: "Fake noose."
Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.
News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.
Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.
The head of KFC called the Pope
He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 10 million.
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 100 million.
The Pope said, "You have a deal!"
The Pope got all the churches big wigs together and said, "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, we are 100 million richer. Bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account.
"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...
a Mexican stand off.
The Tea Party
Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).
He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him more. After several cups of 'tea,' and much praise, Mom came home.
"Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.
"Isn't she just the cutest?"
Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"
Two best friends meet. "I have two bad news" says one to the other...
"OK, combine them."
"Your wife is cheating on us."
My wife is leaving me because she's fed up with me talking like a news anchor.
More on this story later...
What's the difference between a Shakespeare comedy and Fox News?
One's The Taming of the Shrew, the other is the shaming of the true.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.
1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.
Third and most important.
3. He should be great in bed.
One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."
The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the h**... are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"
I think You're mistaken my lady.
Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"
