Newlywed Jokes
47 newlywed jokes and hilarious newlywed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about newlywed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Newlywed Short Jokes
Short newlywed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The newlywed humour may include short newly wed jokes also.
- Did you hear about the newlyweds who didn't know the difference between putty and petroleum jelly? Their windows fell out.
- I bought the newlyweds an elephant for their room. They smiled and thanked me so I said, *"Don't mention it."*
- What do you call it when a newlywed foot fetishist cheats on their spouse? Getting off on the wrong foot.
- Did you hear about the newlyweds who didn't know the difference between Vaseline and window caulk? All their windows fell out.
- What's the worst possible city to visit with yout newlywed spouse during your honeymoon? Split, croatia
- What's the difference between a newlywed Danish couple and Batman's parents? One couple are Wed Danes and the other are Dead Waynes.
- A newlywed couple is returning home after their wedding. The husband can't get the key into the lock to unlock his door. The wife sneers and says, "Well, that's a nice start"
- What's the difference between r**... newlyweds and two variables in a dataset? The variables aren't necessarily related.
- Did you hear about the newlywed couple that didn't know the difference between k**... Jelly and silicone caulk? The glass fell out of their windows.
- A newly-wed couple were lying in bed... A newly-wed couple were lying in bed.
Suddenly the wife wakes up screaming, MY HUSBAND IS HOME!
The n**... husband leaps out the window.
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Newlywed One Liners
Which newlywed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with newlywed? I can suggest the ones about newly married and newly wed couple.
- Advice for newlyweds: Never go to bed angry Unless you're into that sort of thing.
- What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under his arm? A newlywed.
- Frustrated mathematician newlyweds struggle to multiply before combining.
- Newlyweds mistook Vaseline for putty. All their windows fell out.
- How did the French newlyweds seal the deal? with un phoque.
- Q: Where did the newlywed horses stay?
A: In the bridle suite. - My wife is a highway I want to ride it all night long.
(we're newlyweds) - What do you call newlywed zombies on their wedding night? A dead bedroom.
- A toast to the newlyweds. May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.
- On a scale of newlyweds to married 25 years, how willing are you to admit I'm right?
- What do you call an American newlywed's car? Amarrycar
- A newlywed couple got into a fatal car c**.... At least they smashed in the end.
Giggle-Inducing Newlywed Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about newlywed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new marriage jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make newlywed pranks.
The whole family are having breakfast together when…
The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"
A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage
The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."
The wife says, "I want 69."
The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"
Newlyweds
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
A couple of newlyweds on were on their honeymoon and moments before the passionate love making commenced, the wife says to the husband, "Please, be gentle, I'm still a v**...."
The husband was shocked and replied, "How's this possible? You've been married *three* times before!"
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, *god*, I miss him!"
Bedroom animals
A pair of newlyweds are out for drinks with a middle-aged couple who have been married for twenty years.
Having knocked back a few, the older husband turns to the newlyweds and remarks with a wink: "I bet you two are like a couple of rabbits in the bedroom."
The newlyweds laugh awkwardly at this, and then the young husband asks "Well, what kind of bedroom animals are you two then?"
The older husband screws up his face and thinks about it for a moment, then exclaims wryly: "Don't know about me, but Margaret here would have to be a camel: she can go for weeks and weeks without s**...."
Without missing a beat, Margaret replies: "That's funny because I was thinking George here would also be a camel: two humps and it's over."
Young couple codewords
The bashfull newlyweds decided to talk about "laundry" when one was interested in s**.... A Year later, when the new was off, the Husband asked "do you want to help me do the laundry tonight?"
Wife: "No, I am too tired".
The next night: "I have a headache". Next
On the following night: "I just don't feel like it".
Finally wife says: "How about doing the Laundry tonight".
Hubby's reply: "No worries, Dear, it was just a small load and I did it by hand!"
Terrible diseases...
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other n**... for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."
Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"
Husband asks Wife to make coffee
Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: Darling, why don't you brew us some coffee? Wife looks confused, But that's your task, honey. woman says What? Why? man asks. It's all over the Bible, dear. woman replies The Bible says nothing about who's supposed to be brewing coffee! man replies confused. The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews.
It was the first night of the newlyweds in their bridal suite and...
The young husband was staring out the window very intently into the starry night while his young bride was sitting patiently in bed waiting. Aren't you coming to bed darling? she said sexily. Not in your life! he replied. My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I'm not going to miss it for anything!
the newlyweds go to the hotel swimming pool...
The guy goes to the diving board and performs a 2 1/2 sommersaults with 2 twists backwards.
-"Whoa, that was impressive," says the wife when the man comes back.
-"I was a double medallist in London olympics, dear".
So the woman dives in and does 90 lenghts of the pool in 2 1/2 minutes.
-"Baby, that WAS impressive", says the husband.
-"I was a p**... in Venice, dear"
Three generations were having brunch together
The grandson looks over at his newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
The father, not to be outdone, looks over to his wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "You old charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"
newlyweds
On their wedding night as the recently married couple undress, the groom takes his pants off and hands them to her.
"Try them on"
"They're too big"
"Exactly and now you know who wears the pants"
She then takes off her p**... and tosses them to him.
"Put them on"
"I can't get in them. They're too small"
"And you won't be getting in them until you change your attitude"
A Christian couple
Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: "Darling, why don't you brew us some coffee?"
Wife looks confused: "But that's your task, honey."
What? Why?
"It's all over the Bible, dearest."
"The Bible says nothing about who's supposed to be brewing coffee!"
The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: "See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."
This husband wins the fight every time.
A newlywed couple are having their first big fight since being married. Things start getting heated when the husband angrily says "You know I'm right, I'm twice as smart as you!" Furious, the wife asks incredulously "What the heck, how could you say that!" The husband responds, "Well, just look at who I married compared to who you married, and tell me who is smarter!"
Use this one with caution in your own marriage :-)
The resemblance was uncanny!
A newlywed man was in the garage working on his motorcycle. His new wife came out of the house and watched him work for a few minutes before saying, Now that we are married, you should probably sell that motorcycle.
The man's face went pale and he looked as if he might throw up.
Are you okay? Whats the matter? begged his wife.
He managed to get control of himself. For a minute there, you sounded like my ex-wife.
Your ex-wife? the woman exclaimed. You never told me that you were married before!
I wasn't, he said.
At a wedding reception, the groom's grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.
An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.
After performing a marriage ceremony, the Rabbi gave some advice to the newlyweds.
"The first ten years are always the hardest," said the Rabbi.
"How many years have you been married?" They asked.
"Ten years," the Rabbi replied.
Newlyweds and their problems
A young couple got married and the wife couldn't cook. But they were still in the honeymoon phase, so the first night after they got home, the husband comes home from work and the wife says "I'm sorry I burned dinner." So the husband says "That's all right honey let's just make love."
The second night, he comes home from work and she says "I'm sorry honey, I messed up dinner." He says "That's all right honey, let's just go to bed wink wink."
The third night he comes home and she's sitting on the radiator. He asks what she's doing? and she answers "Warming up supper."
[Better when spoken aloud:] A young man is nervous about his wedding night.
On the day of the wedding, he asks his dad what he should do. "It's easy, son. Just kiss her on the navel and tell her you love her."
So, that night, the newlyweds remove their clothes and get on the bed. The young man leans down, gently kisses his bride on the navel and says "I love you!"
"Lower!" she says.
\[In a bass voice:\] "I love you, I love you!"
There are three different stages of marriage, said Dad to his son on the boy's wedding day.
When you're newlyweds, you have s**... wherever and whenever you want it. Then comes stage 2. After you've been married for some time, s**... is usually confined to the bedroom. And then comes stage 3. The most s**... you get is when you pass each other on the stairs and say 'Fuck off!'
DISEASE
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other n**... for the first time. The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child." The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes." He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too." Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"
Sandbox games
The newlyweds and young parents in town discover that the fine sand in the nearby nature resort makes for excellent sandbox sand. So people go in to get a big cart of sand and make some cheap garden sandboxes for their children. The park rangers forbid this and nobody can steal sand anymore. This guy sneaks in with a big cart and scoops it full but on his way out he sees a park ranger and starts to quickly shovel the sand out of his cart. "Oh no sir! You won't get away with it that easily!" the park ranger barks,
"You can't dump that here so take it right back home with you!"
Talking to women
A newlywed man was talking with an old war veteran about what to excpect in his upcoming marriage. After talking about several different topics the veteran turns to the newlywed and says the most complicated thing that you will come across in marriage is communication. Puzzled the newlywed askes why that is so. The veteran explains by saying that talking to a woman is a lot like walking in a minefield. You hope its clear but you never know when you are going to set her off.
After the wedding, the groom's younger brother was sitting outside the room waiting
while the newly-weds were consummating the marriage. A few family members were concerned and asked him what he was doing.
It will be your turn after your brother , my father promised me.
A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"
Wife: "That's your job."
Hasband: "Says who?"
Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."
Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."
Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”
“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,
”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.
“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”
