Newly Wed Jokes
18 newly wed jokes and hilarious newly wed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about newly wed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Newly Wed Short Jokes
Short newly wed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The newly wed humour may include short newly married jokes also.
- A newly wed bride asks her husband Why didn't you tell me you are broke before we got married? He replies: I always told you that you are my EVERYTHING!
- A newly wedded desperate soldier sends a hand-grenade to his mother-in-law, with a note: Dearest Mom,
If you pull this ring, I'll be able to get 3 days leave. - A newly wed couple... Husband: Hun, I have a huge problem.
Wife: Stop saying it's yours, we are married it's OUR problem now.
Husband: I got your best friend pregnant, we are the parents! - How much s**... do couples have? Newly weds: "Tri-weekly."
After 10 years: "Try weekly."
After 30 years, "Try, weakly." - A newly-wed couple were lying in bed... A newly-wed couple were lying in bed.
Suddenly the wife wakes up screaming, MY HUSBAND IS HOME!
The n**... husband leaps out the window.
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Silly & Ridiculous Newly Wed Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about newly wed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean newly jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make newly wed pranks.
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.
It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?
I said, The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.
Everyone then looked at my husband and he said, She's probably right.
Two newly weds were discussing how many kids they will have
He: We will have two kids.
She: I want three kids.
He: No, I will have vasectomy after the second one.
She: I hope you treat the third one also as your own.
A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed
A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed when she says.
"Darling, now that we are married, I have a little confession to make, I was a h**... before we met, are you OK with that"
He replies "Of course I am darling, we hadn't met then and to be honest it turns me on,so tell me more
She says "Well, my name used to be Brian and I played for St. Helens"
Confessions of a newly wed.
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn't sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she's been able to cover up.
After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, I have a confession.
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, Darling, so do I.
Recoiling, he says, Don't tell me - you've eaten my socks.
After the wedding, the groom's younger brother was sitting outside the room waiting
while the newly-weds were consummating the marriage. A few family members were concerned and asked him what he was doing.
It will be your turn after your brother , my father promised me.
Newly wed 70-year old
Marty is with his fellow septuagenarian friends. During a thoughtful pause between all the joking and grousing he reveals that he and his new bride are having some issues with s**.... The friends had previously warned Marty that his bride-to-be only wanted him for his money and now they rallied around him.
"You lied by saying that you're only 50 years old. And now she's disappointed that you have s**... infrequently," ventured a friend.
"Yes, I lied," Marty confessed. "I said that I was 90 years old. And now she's upset that it's in frequently."
> mandatory: this is not mine; not OC
Two lovers get romantic on the night of their wedding.
The newly wed lady blushes and asks, "Honey, where will you take us for our honeymoon?"
"I will take you to the farthest islands of the Caribbean!"
"Really? And what would you do on our 25th anniversary?", asks the wife, now blushing even more.
"I will bring you back."
The Wedding Night
In a party, the manager proudly said that he did it 7 times with his wife on his wedding night.
Supervisor next to him said he did it 6 times before going to sleep on his wedding night.
All turned towards a newly wed and asked how many times did he do on his wedding night?
"Only once sir"
They all laugh and ask him WHY??
He replies "cause my wife wasn't used to it sir!!!!"
A newly wed couple have be living together for a few months.
Every morning the guy wakes up and lets out a long loud f**....
The wife says, one morning when you wake up you are going to blow out your insides.
A few months later it's thanksgiving and the wife is prepping the turkey. With a smirk on her face she takes the turkey guts and goes to the bedroom. Carefully puts it all in her husbands shorts.
A few minutes later she hears him scream like a little girl. 30 min later he shows up in the kitchen. Says, well hun, you were right. But thanks to vaseline and these two fingers i got it all back in!
So on their honeymoon,
the couple are about to make love when the bride says "Please be gentle, I'm a v**...".
Her newly wed husband looks stunned and says, "But, darling- before me, you've had three husbands... how could you have gone all this time without-"
"Well" sighed the woman, "my first husband was a gynaecologist, and he only wanted to look at it. My second was a psychologist, but he only wanted to TALK about it, and finally, my third husband was a professional stamp collector and he...
oh, I...
miss him, so much..."
Newly Weds Morgan and Adam have just moved into their new house....
and Morgan looks out the window and sees the neighbor's laundry hanging up to dry. "They need some new detergent, that laundry is still dirty!" The next morning Morgan wakes up and notices that the laundry is still dirty. This happens for the next couple of months, until one day she wakes up and sees that the laundry is clean. "She finally got new detergent!" Adam walks up behind her and says "Oh no, I just woke up early and cleaned the windows."
Etiquette for beginners
[adapted from a scene in the film Carry on Cruising]
A steward on a cruise ship is hesitating outside a door to a cabin with a p**... of coffee on a tray. The chief purser doing his rounds sees him and asks him what he's doing.
"Well sir, it's like this", the steward begins, "I'm completely new to this job and I'm a little worried as to what to do if I find passengers in a *delicate* state in their cabin, you see?"
The purser smiles and puts his hand on the young man's shoulder. "Ah", he says, "you just need to learn how to deal with such situations with a bit of dignity and blindness. I once knew a steward who walked in on a beautiful young woman completely n**... in the shower. Well, he just put the tray down on the side, said 'Excuse me, sir' and left without missing a beat. Do you see?"
The steward thinks for a moment and smiles "Yes, yes! That's very good that! I'll remember that!"
"Well, what are you waiting for then?" says the purser pointing out the still closed cabin door. "Get on with it, before that coffee gets cold"
The steward takes a deep breath, puffs out his chest, knocks and opens the door. Inside, he finds a newly wed couple on their honeymoon, in bed and very passionately engrossed in each other, and they clearly haven't noticed his arrival.
He hesitates before remembering what the purser told him, and decides to interrupt: "Hello there, which of you two fellahs takes sugar then?"
An 85 and 25 year old's wedding night...
Vet Friend of mine just sent this:
Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'