Newly Married Jokes
18 newly married jokes and hilarious newly married puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about newly married that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Newly Married Short Jokes
Short newly married jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The newly married humour may include short newly wed jokes also.
- A newly wed bride asks her husband Why didn't you tell me you are broke before we got married? He replies: I always told you that you are my EVERYTHING!
- A newly wed couple... Husband: Hun, I have a huge problem.
Wife: Stop saying it's yours, we are married it's OUR problem now.
Husband: I got your best friend pregnant, we are the parents! - When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.
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What funny jokes about newly married you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new marriage jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make newly married pranks.
Wishes
A woman was walking on the beach when she spotted a lamp almost buried in the sand. She picked it up, dusted it off, and to her surprise a genie popped out.
"Thank you for releasing me from my thousand-year imprisonment! I will grant you the traditional three wishes as a reward. And since you are married, your husband will get double of whatever you wish for."
"But I hate my husband," the woman protested. "He cheated on me and spent all our money -- I've already filed for divorce."
The genie shrugged and told her it was genie law. "OK, whatever," she said, "Give me a hundred million dollars." *p**...!* There were stacks and stacks of newly minted $100 bills piled in front of her. "So, does that mean my husband has *two* hundred million now?"
"Yep," the genie said.
"OK... for my second wish, I want a 100,000 square foot mansion." *p**...!* There was a huge mansion right up on the bluff, and the deed was in her pocket. "So, does that mean my husband gets *two* mansions?"
"Yes indeed. Now, what would you like for your final wish?"
She thought about it for a minute, then snapped her fingers and said, "Genie -- scare me half to death!"
Newlyweds
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
A newly married doctor got a call inviting him to go and play cards that evening.
A newly married doctor got a call inviting him to go and play cards that evening.
"I have to go out, honey," he said to his wife.
"Oh no, not again," she said. "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes," replied her husband. "There are three doctors there already."
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.
It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?
I said, The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.
Everyone then looked at my husband and he said, She's probably right.
A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed
A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed when she says.
"Darling, now that we are married, I have a little confession to make, I was a h**... before we met, are you OK with that"
He replies "Of course I am darling, we hadn't met then and to be honest it turns me on,so tell me more
She says "Well, my name used to be Brian and I played for St. Helens"
"Wow you went on a 2 week honeymoon trip to London, Paris and Venice, what all did you see ?"
Newly married bride : Ceiling fans
Edit : this joke is funnier in India as they have t**... on premarital s**...
A man named Arnold offers his newly married son advice on long lasting marriage
"The key, my boy, is to have daily s**..."
"But dad, you and mom don't even sleep on the same bed anymore," replies his son
"I was getting to that," continues Arnold, "tip numba two, get a hot housekeeper."
Newly Married Husband
Newly Married Husband puts a notice
in front of his residence:
FOR SALE
Computer and Encyclopedia both in
good condition.
Reason for selling:
No longer needed
Got married.
Wife knows EVERYTHING ...
with backup server called
"Mother In Law "
A newly married Deaf couple..
Soon realize that initiating s**... in the dark is quite difficult. The wife decides that if she wants to have s**... she will s**... him once so he knows. He replies, "and if you don't want to have s**... then s**... me fifty times".
Curious convoluted case of Covid computation
A girl from Kentucky is found Covid 19 +ve. So the family of the girl and her boyfriend are now quarantined. Later it was found that the girl has 3 boyfriends. So 37 members of those 5 families are put into quarantine !! But now we come to know that 2 of her boyfriends have 2 more girlfriends !! Among those girlfriends, one has 2 more boyfriends !! Among them, one is married !!
Join maths classes, to learn newly introduced syllabus in Mathematics called Covid Maths....
Where's the beef ?
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.
"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bouraguiginon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone, I found that the cat had eaten it!"
"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."
A newly married couple is anxious about their honeymoon...
The husband and the wife are both virgins, and come from very conservative families.
On their first night together, they uncomfortably undress in front of each other and lay in bed.
Not knowing what to do or where to start, the husband calls his mother for advice.
The mother says that they should snuggle, and that things should happen from there.
The couple does this, but nothing happens.
The husband calls his mother again. She gets frustrated and says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and put it in her hairiest spot!"
The husband is quiet for a moment, then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit, now what?"
So an old buddy of mine went to prison...
He had just gotten married actually, and one of the first things he did as a newly married man was go for a round of 18 holes with his buds. Okay...they also got a few drinks afterwords.
When he got home, golf bags in tow, his wife confronted him: "I can't believe you'd go out all day after we're married, and to golf! and... you reek of booze!" and she really keeps letting him have it, until he can't take it anymore. He's always had a temper, but this was over the top - he pulled out his 9-iron and started swinging.
He was promptly overcome with guilt, and called the police, the paramedics, etc. She was pronounced dead. The officer on the scene sees the club, and says to him, "there looks like there's a few dents on that! how many times did you hit her?!" and the guy says "well, seven... but could you write down five?"
The stagecoach
Let me translate another surrealistic Russian joke.
A man is with a mistress. She says, "Let's do the stagecoach." "What's that?" "What? You don't know, what's a stagecoach? What are you doing with a mistress? Go ask your wife, maybe she'll tell you."
The man goes to his wife. "Honey, what's a stagecoach?" "What? You don't know, what's a stagecoach? How could I have married you? Go ask your grandmother, maybe she'll tell you."
The man goes to his grandmother. "Grandma, what's a stagecoach?" The grandmother says, "Ah, stagecoach, stagecoach..." and dies.
I have a personal sequel for this joke. In 1995 I was a newly hired developer working at Microsoft Office. I subscribed to the mailing list "Humor at Microsoft", translated and sent this joke there. The word "stagecoach" did not seem exotic enough for me at the time, so I substituted "aardvark". Somebody replied to the list asking, "What is an aardvark?" Somebody else replied, "What? You don't know, what's an aardvark? Go ask your manager, maybe he'll tell you."
An 85 and 25 year old's wedding night...
Vet Friend of mine just sent this:
Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'