newly Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious newly puns

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."


So a newlywed couple is in bed after their wedding day when...

The husband lets out a massive fart and the wife says " What was that?"
The husband responds "A game. Im winning 7-0" later the wife lets out a fart and says "7-7!"
The wife follows up with another poot and claims the score 14-7. Finally the the husband fart so explosively that he shits the bed. The wife says "What does that mean?"
The husband replies "halftime switch sides."


A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage

The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."

The wife says, "I want 69."

The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"



A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'


Four types of sex

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.


My 87 year old grandfather told me this last night

A newly married couple was having extreme financial difficulties. Finally the husband said "honey I'm sorry, but there's nothing else we can do. I'm going to have to put you on the street corner." He drops his wife off around 2:00am and picks her up the next morning.

When he asked her how much money she made she replied "$110.25." He said "Who's the cheap bastard that only gave you a quarter!?"

She said "why, all of them did."


A young priest...

A freshly ordained young priest was walking to his newly assigned parish in the inner city. As he walked down the street, a prostitute stopped him and said, "Hey father, $20 for a blow job." The priest had never heard of such a thing and hurried away from the prostitute.

When he arrived at the church he was greeted by the Mother Superior who showed him around the place and guided him to his room. Before she left the priest alone in his room, she asked if he had any questions.

The young priest said, "I do have one question, Mother Superior, what is a blow job?"

And the old nun says, "Twenty bucks, same as on the street."


A man and his wife are on their honeymoon...

The two are in a splendid hotel, in their beds, snuggling down to make love when the newly made wife complains, "Honey, I feel like we're being watched." Because they're both former CIA, he decides to humor his wife and check around the room. Beneath the bed, behind it, even around the corners of the room.

"There's nothing here," he assures her and tries to start up the mood again. But she won't have it, so he goes looking around the room a second time. Since she's so upset, he keeps looking until he pulls back the rug to find a funny looking device. He unscrews the device, telling her, "Look, I've gotten rid of the bug. Now we can make love!"

The next morning, they're served breakfast in bed. The girl who brings their food asks if they had a nice night, to which they reply it was wonderful. But why does she ask? "I just wanted to make sure you were safe," she says. "Some time last night, the couple below you had a chandelier fall on them."


The honeymooners

So me and an old friend decide to go on a fishing trip. When we arrived at the lodge we were informed that the only boat they had was for the honeymoon cabin, we asked if it was available, but no, it had just been rented my a newly wed couple for the weekend.

So we rented a boat from town. We decided to call it and early night and hit the lake early.

When we get out on the lake we notice the boat from the honeymoon suit with a man sitting fishing by himself. Thought nothing of and went back to fishing.

Well this happened the next day, too. so curiosity got the best of us as we paddled over to the gentleman and started a friendly fishing convo.
He hadn't been here for years and begged his now-wife for the chance to go again, she obliged.

But that got me wondering where she was so I asked where she was and if they just got married why they weren't "knocking boots".

"ohh she gots the gonorrhea"

so i ask "what about oral?"

"she's got the pyria"


"nope diarrhea"

so my buddy chime in "what good is she then"

"shes got worms"

*sorry about grammar and punctuation mistakes. pm and I will gladly edit for you.


A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newly weds wanted to try butt stuff...

Or put it another way, 100% of all grooms.


Four kinds of sex...

There are four kinds of sex...

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.


April Fools

It was April first when a young father went to the hospital to see his newly born son. Standing outside the glass partition, the nurse pointed to his baby son. The nurse smiled as she lifted the baby from its cot. She then strolled over to the table and bounced the baby's head on the timber. The father was horror-struck and his hands went up to the window. The nurse smiled at him and started to swing the baby by holding it by it's penis and scrotum. The father was pounding frantically at the glass partition by this time. The nurse let go of the baby and with a sickening thud the baby went careering into the wall. Blood and guts went everywhere. The father took a runing jump at the glass partition. The nurse picked up the baby and tore it's arms off as the father went hurtling through the glass. He was foaming at the mouth when he faced the nurse.

She said, "April fools! He was dead already!"


So God is nearly done creating Adam and Eve

And he looks to the bottom of the bag of attributes and sees there are only two left, so he decides to let the newly created humans choose who will get what.

God pulls out the first one and announces "the ability to stand while peeing". Adam jumps up excitedly and screams, "Yes! That one is for me! I could do so many things! Write my name in the snow, pee off of tall buildings, make ants go swimming. That's awesome!"

God says, "Well then, man shall have the ability to pee standing up... now let's see what is left. Ah! Multiple orgasms!"


Slapping Old People

An old man and old woman are sitting on their front porch on a bench one day just enjoying the scenery. All of a sudden the old woman looks at her husband and slaps him across his face. He looks and her and says "What was that for?" She said "That is for 40 years of horrible sex!" He is quiet as he absorbs this newly discovered information. Quietly the old man reaches over and slaps his wife across her face. She says "What was that for?" He said "For knowing the difference!"


The deaf newlyweds

A deaf couple are newly married and are trying to figure out intimate relations. While the lights are out, the husband and wife keep misinterpreting signals for sex since there is no lighting.

One day, the wife decided they needed a way to signal each other during the night if they want sex or not. The wife suggests the husband squeeze her left breast once if he wants sex, and the right breast twice if he does not.

The husband thought this was a great idea. The husband said the wife should pull his penis once if she wanted sex, and pull it 50 times if she did not.


So there are three couples.

Three couplesβ€”one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wedβ€”apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."


How much sex do couples have?

Newly weds: "Tri-weekly."

After 10 years: "Try weekly."

After 30 years, "Try, weakly."


Newlywed Woman In Her 90s Is Interviewed

There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s.

"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others," she replied with a smile.

"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" the interviewer inquired. "This one will be my fourth," she replied.

"I was married in my 20s to a banker, then in my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher."

"What does your current husband do?"

"Oh he's a funeral director."

The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.

"It always made sense to me," she replied. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."


A blonde girl...

...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, so she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.

Eager to show the world her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd. She walks towards him and says:

"if i can guess how many sheep you have in your pack, can I have one?"

"fair deal" the shepherd says and the blonde guesses "457". The shepherd, really surprised about the ability of the girl, says "a deal is a deal, you guessed the right number, pick a sheep and you can keep it".

After the girl has picked her favourite of the pack, the shepherd says:

"if i can guess, which colour your hair had before you dyed it brown, can i get my dog back?"



A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.

The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."

The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."

He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."

Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"


A newly released scientific study has found that pregnant women who use vibrators, are 90% more likely to have a child...

...that stutters.


First time cougar at grocery store

A newly divorced 40-ish woman is in the check-out line at the grocery store. The bag boy asks if she needs help out to her car, and he's cute, so she says yes.

When they are into the parking lot, she leans over and says to him, "I have an itchy pussy."

He responds, "I'm sorry ma'am, but you're going to have to point it out. All those Japanese cars look the same to me."


Scotsman at a baseball game

A Scotsman newly immigrated to the U.S. wants to immerse himself in American life, so he goes to a baseball game. He has no clue how it's played, but every time the batter takes off for first base all the people around him yell, "Run! Run!" So he stands up and yells, "Rrrrun, laddie! Rrrrun!"

In the fourth inning a batter gets walked. When the umpire calls ball four he tosses the bat aside and starts ambling toward first at a leisurely pace. The Scotsman jumps up and yells, "Rrrrun, laddie! Rrrrun!" but the guy sitting next to him nudges him and says, "No, no, he's got four balls, he gets to walk." The Scotsman says, "Four balls?" He looks back out at the player, raises his fist and intones, "Walk prrrroud, laddie! Walk PRRROUD!"


A newlywed couple decide to go on a honeymoon...

... To Florida. The husband gets there before his wife does and decides to send her an email. He finishes unpacking and types it out, but when he sends it, he misstypes the adress and accidentally sends it to an old lady whose husband had recently died. The old lady reads the message and faints. It said:
"Dear honey,
I have arrived at our destination. I have unpacked and everything is ready for your arrival. I miss you and expect to see you soon!

P.S. Sure is hot down here!



One night, a newly married couple take to their bed after the party and after some smooching they decide they're ready to consummate the marriage. So the groom drops his pants and gets a shriek out of the Bride.

"What's wrong with you!" he shouts at her.
"Ohh! OOH! What's THAT?!" she replies, pointing at his junk.
"That's just my dick. What about it?"
"But what's WRONG with it?" she cries.
"Nothing!" he replies, annoyed. "What, you been seeing someone else's?"
"No!" she says, "but my mother told me what to expect; a pink, straight, stiff thing. That looks terrible! It - it looks all twisted! It's got grooves around it - it's wrong!"

Long story short, they have a row and the marriage remains unconsummated. The next morning they've got over the worst of it and are taking a stroll around town. They pass a public toilet.

"Hey," says the Bride. "Have you ever seen another man's penis?"
"Well go in there, stand at the urinal and take sneaky looks at the guys next to you - see if they have the same thing you do."

He doesn't like the idea, but he goes in. After a while he comes out again, looking very crestfallen.

"You're right!" he cries. "They ARE supposed to be smooth and straight. And after watching them I know where I've been going wrong."


"Yeah - they all shake theirs dry. I've been wringing mine out!"


Gym Joke

A guy who newly joined a gym asked the instructor which was the best machine in the gym which will make him attractive to girls.

The instructor replied,"the atm"



A newly married couple had just returned from their honeymoon. As they were getting ready for bed that night, the young husband had an idea he wanted to run past his new bride.

He says "Sweetheart, we have had a lot of sex these last few days on our honeymoon. And I'm sure you can tell I have really enjoyed it. But I realize you aren't going to want to have sex every single night of our marriage. So I think we should develop a code for whether or not you want to have sex."

His new bride is very impressed with his being so understanding, and responds; "That is a wonderful idea! What do you have in mind?"

"Well Dear", he says, "If you want to have sex, just reach over and pull on my penis 2 times."

That sounded fine to her, so she then asks, "What should I do if I don't want sex?"

He thinks for just a moment and replies "Well I guess in the event you don't want to have sex, you should reach over and pull on my penis 2 or 3 Hundred times,,,"

*This is one I heard years ago, but have never seen it on here. If it is a re-post, my apologies.


Sex you up

3 Stages of Sex:
1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.
2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.
3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "Fuck you!"


In a remote village

In a remote village they had an old tradition: the newly weds would participate in a competition where the brides would recognize their husbands from their penises exposed through a glory hole. Three newly weds get ready, but one guy is terribly embarrassed about the size of his penis. He confesses his secret to the minister, and the minister agrees to go in his place.

The competition starts. The first guy puts his dick through the glory hole and his wife recognizes his self inflicted scar. The second guy then puts his dick through the hole and his wife recognizes him from the curvature. Then, the minister puts his through the hole. All women in unison shout: It's the minister's dick!


BREAKING NEWS: NASA announces Mars Rover discovered new feline-like life form on the Red Planet

Unfortunately, it ran over the newly discovered creature. Yes, it seems Curiosity killed the cat.


A newlywed couple is about to consummate their marriage. As they started to undress the following conversation ensued:

her: "What happened to your feet?"

him: "Oh don't worry about that, it's just Tollio"

her: "did you mean Polio?"

him: "no it's Tollio, it just affects the toes."

*He then took his pants off and showed some ugly looking knees.*

her: "What happened to your knees?"

him: "Oh.. I also had Kneesles."

her: "Don't you mean Measles?"

him: "No... Kneesles, it just affects the knees."

*After removing his underwear the wife says*

"Don't tell me, you also had SMALL COX"


A newlywed wife makes her husband pay her a dollar before they have sex.

The husband shrugs and forks it over. This continues throughout the marriage; every time they have sex, he has to pay her a buck.
The husband comes home one day many years later, earlier than usual, and informs the wife that he's lost his job, and he's unsure how they will continue. His wife shows him a bank statement with an account holding over $500,000. "Where did you get this?" he asks. "Remember that dollar you paid me ever time you wanted to have sex? It added up over the years." The husband begins sobbing loudly, and the wife is mystified. "Why are you crying? We're saved!", she says. He replies, "If only I'd brought you ALL my business!"


Two old trees were arguing in the forrest

What, pondered they, was identity of a sapling newly sprung up a few years prior.

"It's the son of a beech!" Said one.

"It's the son of a birch!" Replied the other.

They decided to settle the score by asking a passing woodpecker.

After giving the young tree a quick once over, the woodpecker returned and said "That is neither a son of a beech or a son of a birch. That is the tightest piece of young ash I've ever had my pecker in.


A newly ordained priest is sent to Las Vegas, to be the leader of a small congregation in a seedy area.

That evening, he is walking down the street outside the church, when he is approached by a prostitute, who says to him, "Hey father, you want a blow job? Only 50 bucks." He gets embarrased because he doesn't know what she's talking about, but given how she's dressed, he declines.

The next day he meets the senior nun in the church, and asks her, "Sister, what's a blow job?"

She replies, "50 bucks, same as on the Strip."


A Newly Wed Chinese Couple Go on Their Honeymoon

They get to the hotel late. The bride is visibly nervous and the groom is patiently and lovingly trying to reassure her.

He says "You don't need to worry about anything. Anything you want, I do for you."

Feeling a bit calmer she inquisitively looks at him and says "anything?"

"Anything", the groom replies without hesitation.

"Ok, I... I want 69." she says with a bashful grin.

The groom looks annoyed, "How you think of beef and broccoli at a time like this!?"


What are the most funny Newly jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Newly? Well, here are the best Newly dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Newly pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes