newfoundland Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious newfoundland puns

Wrestling Match

A Ukrainian and a Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.
Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Ukie. He's never lost a match, because of this pretzel hold he has. So, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!! If he does, you're finished !!"
The Newfie nodded in acknowledgment........
As the match started, the Newfie and the Ukrainian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Ukie lunged forward,......... grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't bare to watch the inevitable happen.....
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Ukrainian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded !!..........
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked:
"How the hell did you ever get out of that hold?? No one has ever done it before!!...."
The wrestler answered: "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold
but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles, right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could !!"
The trainer exclaimed: "So, THAT'S what finished him off !!...." "Not really"............. replied the Newfie....... . . . . . . . . . . . . "You'd be amazed how strong you get, when you bite your own nuts !!"...

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ventriloquist (old but still good)

A young ventriloquist was touring and one night was doing a show in a small Newfoundland town.
With the dummy on his knee, he went thru his usual dumb blonde joke when a blonde woman in the 4th row stood up on her chair and started shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and the community, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize, but the blonde continued, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee."

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98% of Canadians say "Oh shit!" on a slippery before going into the ditch.

*The other 2% are from Newfoundland and they say: "Hold my beer and watch this!"*

Merry christmas!

**Don't drink and drive this holiday.**

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The time Newfoundland went to war with Quebec

One time Newfoundland and Quebec went to war. A Newfie, being patriotic, signed up to fight and went into basic training. Now, Newfoundland was a poor province and the army didn't have enough guns so the guys was told to just pretend to have gun and shout "bang, bang".

Eventually he finished training and his unit was deployed. He still didn't have a gun so when they went up against the Quebeckers he did the only thing he knew, he pretended he had a gun and went "Bang, bang." Amazingly, when he did this the Quebeckers he was aiming at would fall down. So he kept going "Bang, bang" and was very effective as a soldier. He was a good shot.

Then, he looked up and saw a big Quebecker coming down the hill towards him. So he aimed and went "Bang, bang". The guy kept coming. "Bang, bang" - no effect. "Bang, bang" - no effect.

Eventually the Qiuebecker ran right over him and continued down the hill going "Tankity, tankity, tankity".

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A police officer in Newfoundland happens across a gruesome scene on the side of the highway.

A police officer in Newfoundland happens across a gruesome scene on the side of the road.

He radios headquarters to send in forensics. He then assesses the scene. It's horrible. He takes out his note pad and starts to record his observations.


He approaches the rear of the vehicle and notices a severed leg on the trunk.
*****
*- Leg on trunk*
*****

He continues to the driver's side door. He sees a bloody torso in the front passenger seat.
*****
*- Body in front driver's seat*
*****

He walks to the front of the vehicle and sees an arm laying on the hood.
*****
*- Arm on hood*
*****

He continues around the car, and sees the decapitated head of the victim laying on the boulevard. He continues to write...
*****
*- Head on ~~Buol~~ ~~Bul~~ ~~Bolu~~*
*****

He then kicks the head!

*****
*- Head in ditch*
*****

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Tragedy in Eastern Canada

Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as searching continues through the evening.

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Air tragedy in Newfoundland...

A two-seater single engine Cessna 152 crashed in foggy conditions near the Gander airport, crashing into the nearby cemetery.

Newfie rescue squads have recovered 385 bodies so far, and that number is expected to climb as digging continues.

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That's my plan and I'm sticking to it.

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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What does the Newfoundland fisherman do on a day off?

Net fix and chill

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The US Navy

Transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

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A man from quebec and a man from Newfoundland meet in a bar....

A man from Quebec and a man from Newfoundland meet in a bar, one of them finds a lamp, he rubs it and a genie comes out, he grants the two with one wish each.

the guy from Quebec says "i want a big, 40 foot wall arround the entire province"

the genie claps his fingers and says "here, done"

the one from Newfoundland aks "is your wall waterproof?"
"uhh yeah?" responded the guy from quebec

"fill her up"

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A man gets pulled over in Newfoundland

The cop looks at his licence, looks at the man, looks at the licence again and looks at the man once more.

Cop - sir, you need to be wearing glasses!

Man - I have contacts.

Cop - sir, I don't care who you know, you need to be wearing glasses!

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A four hour flight...

An airplane took of from Gander, Newfoundland heading for Toronto, a four hour flight. After about twenty minutes in the air there was an announcement on the P.A. system: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain. We have just lost power on our number one engine, but there is no reason to be alarmed. This is a modern three engine transport jet and we can fly safely with two engines. However, due to the loss of power, our 9:00 o'clock arrival time has been set back to 10:30 pm.

After another fifteen minutes there was second announcement: Attention please, we have just lost our number two engine. We can still complete the flight with the remaining engine, but our estimated arrival time is now 12:30 am.

Finally, one of the passengers spoke up. Lord tunderin' jeezus. If dat turd engine stops we'll be up here all night.

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Hear about that helicopter that crashed into a Newfoundland cemetery?

So far they've recovered over 80 bodies.

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I called my girlfriend after my trip to Dildo, Newfoundland

I said "I'm never going back to that town again!"

She said "why not?"

I replied "it's full of dicks and they're all fake!"

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Cessna 172 crashes into Newfoundland cemetery.

Rescuers have recovered hundreds of dead so far.

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What drink do they serve at the Newfoundland seal hunt?

Canadian Club

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4 months ago a group of scientists from England...

...discovered copper wire in a dig 50 meters below the ground and concluded that their must have been wired technology 500 years ago in that area. 2 months later a group of scientists from Australia dug 100 meters into the ground and found copper wire and concluded that there must have been wired technology 1000 years ago in that area. Last month a group of scientists from Newfoundland dug 200 meters into the ground and found nothing....baffled by the discovery they concluded that there must have been wireless technology 2000 years ago in that area!

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How can you tell if a Newfoundlander is gay?

He eyes the b'ys.

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Yesterday, a plane crashed in a cemetary in Newfoundland

There is already 823 deads, but the number will grow as Newfies keep digging.

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What do you call a dog cartographer?

Newfoundland

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What are the most funny Newfoundland jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Newfoundland? Well, here are the best Newfoundland dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Newfoundland pick up lines to share with friends.

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