Newborn Jokes
119 newborn jokes and hilarious newborn puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about newborn that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover a collection of hilarious newborn jokes that will make you and your parenting experience with your newborn baby boy, newborn son, newborn daughter, new baby, fetal and toddler laugh. Whether you're dealing with diapers, breastfeeding, or just loving this new stage of life, these jokes are sure to bring a smile and a chuckle to your day.
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Funniest Newborn Short Jokes
Short newborn jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The newborn humour may include short baby born jokes also.
- The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." He responds "well give me the one my wife made."
- A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
- What is the difference between Kevin McCarthy and a newborn baby? In a few months, the baby will be a speaker.
- A doctor hands a new father his newborn baby and says, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it..." The father says, "then hand me the one that my wife made!"
- I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
- What do you call a female Chinese newborn? A youth-in-Asia
^(Yes. I'm 100% aware I'm the worst person in history) - My mate's gambling is getting out of hand. He's just bet his newborn son in our game of poker.
I thought, "I might have to raise him." - A logician's wife is having a baby The doctor hands the newborn immediately to the Father.
His wife asks impatiently: "well, is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician replies: "yes" - My wife was none too pleased when I named our newborn daughter "Jen". I don't know why, I think Jen Italia is a beautiful name.
- The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town I guess she was having a midwife crisis
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Newborn One Liners
Which newborn one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with newborn? I can suggest the ones about infant and baby birth.
- I tried rocking my newborn daughter to sleep. Apparently she isn't a big Zeppelin fan.
- What's a group of chubby newborns called? Heavy Infantry
- My iPhone 8 Plus is just like a newborn baby ...except I drop it a lot less
- My mother had me at a very young age. In fact, I was a newborn.
- What does a female preacher feed her newborn child?
Pastorized milk. - All newborns have cancer They don't have any hair
- What did Harry say when the queen asked how black the newborn was? Just a lilibet
- Why do African newborn babies cry? They have a midlife crisis.
- What do you call a newborn with 3 arms? Not mine
- What do you call a newborn sandwich? A crossbread.
- How do Chinese pick a name for their newborn? They kick a Can
- I'm Proud Of My Newborn Son. Over these past 9 months he's really grown as a person.
- What shatters faster than your smartphone screen? A newborn with osteoporosis.
- Why are newborns bad drivers? ... because they only know how to go full swaddle.
- What did the mother give to her clinically obese newborn baby? A wide birth
Newborn Baby Jokes
Here is a list of funny newborn baby jokes and even better newborn baby puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you say when there's a newborn in the infirmary with a rattler? "ICU baby, shaking that thing"
- The doctor brings the newborn baby to the father and says sorry but your wife didn't make it The new dad replies well then bring me the one she made then!
- I wanted to name our newborn after my father but my wife said Dad is a weird name for a baby.
- Why did patrick swayze put his newborn's crib in the middle of the nursery? Because nobody puts baby in the corner.
- Newborn babies are like a lump of unmolded clay. They even make the same sound when you drop them.
- A woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble. Out of habit, the parents looked over the newborn baby, then went home and bought a cheaper baby on Amazon
- Mrs. Bigger liked telling everyone her newborn baby boy was a lot bigger than she was... But he was really just a little Bigger.
- retired man joke There were two retired men. One of the men said
"I feel like a newborn baby,".
The other man asked why.
The man said, " I have no hair, no teeth, and I just peed in my pants. - Why was the anti-vaxxer's newborn baby crying? Existential crisis
- I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it. A doctor said while handing a man his newborn baby. The man hands the baby back and says, Sorry, but I don't do reposts.
Newborn Son Jokes
Here is a list of funny newborn son jokes and even better newborn son puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My newborn son has decided that every fresh diaper is a clean canvas that he must paint immediately. He's a prolific shartist.
- My computer notified me that my wife emailed me a picture of our newborn son since I was gone for a business trip "You've got male!"
- Just for laughs, I named my newborn son 'Someoneyourownsize' Soon I will teach him brutal marital arts
- My friend Jay is going to name his newborn son "K" When I asked him why, he said he wanted to name him after himself.
- One of my old buddies, James King, named his newborn son Thin. I'm sure he wasn't thinking, but his son is.
- MR. and MRS. Tickle announced their newborn son's first name. Tes
(say the son's full name for the joke to work) - I asked my friend if he had a connection with his newborn son yet. He said no. The WiFi on babies is terrible.
- Our newborn son was circumcised. Seeing how bad the wound looks, we are worried he is not going to get ahead in life
- Holding the new iPad Mini is like holding your newborn son... Except I drop it a lot less.
- A mother names her newborn son Jkmno. How is it pronounced? Noel
Newborn Baby Boy Jokes
Here is a list of funny newborn baby boy jokes and even better newborn baby boy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My newborn baby boy can already juggle, speak full sentences and even ride a bike! He is infantly better than his sister...
- A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says... Yes.
Newborn Parenting Jokes
Here is a list of funny newborn parenting jokes and even better newborn parenting puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There is something holy about every newborn child. Especially if the parents prevented with condoms.
Silly Newborn Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about newborn you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean infant baby jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make newborn pranks.
Compton Scattering
My professor asked me what Compton Scattering was... Apparently "when a single black woman walks out with a newborn" is not the correct answer.
A mother and a father are standing over their newborn baby.
The father looks to the mother and says. "He's quite big down there, Isn't he?" The wife shrugs and says "Yeah. At least he inherited your eyes."
My newborn son...
was born with no eyelids. Luckily, the doctor was able to use the f**... (after they circumcised him) to make eyelids for him. They say he's gonna be ok...he'll just be a little cockeyed.
It's an eye
The doctor walks into the room to tell the parents the news about their newborn.
Doctor says, "I have bad news for you."
The mother asks, "What is it?"
The doctor says, "Your newborn is an eye."
The parents are mystified & ask him, "What what do you mean?"
Doctor replies, "It is an eye. No arms, legs, body or anything else. Just an eye."
"Oh gosh," said the father. "What could be possibly worse?'
The doctor replies, "It is Blind."
Two newborns are having a conversation...
1: You look worried. What's wrong?
2: It's about my Dad.
1: What about him?
2: I saw him with Mom last night. I think he's stealing my milk.
I was on the train this morning...
I was on the train this morning and I sat next to a woman with a newborn baby. She asked if I minded if she breastfed, and I said, "No, just don't s**... my n**... to hard."
How long does it take for a newborn to fall from the empire state building?
About 16 seconds
What do you call a fishermans newborn?
Fresh bait
"Sorry, that name is already taken"
A lady tells to the nurse at the maternity hospital:
- I think I will call my little newborn Anna.
Doctor:
- Sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her Anna532 or Anna_153.
My Dad and I were talking this morning about my brother's newborn baby...
Dad: I think the nurse will take out the plastic thingy from the baby's arm today.
Me: IV?
Dad: I think her name is Brenda, actually.
Name your newborn Cylinder
so the day he finishes high school he'd become a Graduated Cylinder
China has one of the largest manufacturing and exporting economies in the world. What product of theirs is most commonly exported?
Newborn girls.
What's the difference between a tv remote and a newborn?
You can't play football with the remote.
Brother-in-arms
What did the russian soldier say when he held his newborn sibling in his hands for the first time?
"You're my brother in arms!"
What's the difference to my newborn and a bag of m**...?
I would never purposely drop my bag of m**....
George's son
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to
the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."
My newborn nephew entered the world with the innate ability to dance. They ran tests and found that he got the ability by being born with an extra chromosome. The doctors are calling it...
"Get down syndrome"
A recent study has shown patient mortality rates increase with the age of the doctor
Next week I have a surgical consultation with a particularly clever-looking newborn.
What's a newborn baby' favorite restaurant?
h**...
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree.
One turns to the other and says, "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age, how do you feel?"
John replies, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really! Like a newborn baby, you say?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, I wear a diaper, and I even drool on myself."
What's a newborns favorite A/C setting?
w**... temperature.
Did you hear the joke about Sean Connery's brother's newborn daughter?
It's a little niche...
Kylie Jenner just named her newborn baby daughter Stormi
I think the Kardashian family is trying to have a weather forecast for her kids, because it's going to be Stormi in North West Chicago with a chance of Reign.
A man is walking down the street
When he notices his watch has stopped. Seeing a shop window filled with watches and clocks, he goes inside
My watch has stopped, could you take a look at it? He asks the man behind the counter.
Oh, I'm sorry. I don't work on watches. You see, I'm a Mohel.
What's a Mohel?
Well, a Mohel is a rabbi who performs the bris, or circumcision of a newborn boy.
Well then why do you have all those watches in your shop window?
What SHOULD I put in the window?
An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.
He runs to the doctor and asks:
"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"
The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:
"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."
Little Johnny and His Baby Sister
Little Johnny's newborn baby sister just wouldn't stop crying one day.
Annoyed, Little Johnny asked his mom where they had got her from.
"From Heaven," replied his mom.
"Well, I can see why they threw her out!"
They say "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"
So why couldn't I leave my newborn at the reception?
What is it called when you newborn starts vomiting as soon as you you give him something special you prepared?
Feedback
A father is waiting for his newborn child outside a hospital
A doctor comes out holding the child by the leg, and walks over to the man. The father asks: "Is it a girl or a boy?". But the doctor smashes the baby on the concrete wall, and the father faints. The father wakes up on a hospital bed in a room, and the doctor is staring at him with a grin. The doctor says: "Alright alright i was joking, the baby was dead before it was even born".
A doctor comes out to the maternity ward waiting room holding a newborn baby and suddenly drops him to the floor.
Seeing the father's shocked face, he laughs and says: "Haha, got you. Don't worry, he was born dead".
My friend's wife appeared in the room like a newborn baby...
Screaming.
What do you call a newborn baby?
Anything you want.
Why was the Asian father disappointed with their newborn child?
He found out their blood type is A-.
What's the difference between a newborn orphan and Batman?
The newborn orphan didn't have to go down a dark alley to become one.
As a newborn, I successfully evaded my own Circumcision...
...guess you could say I had foresight.
As the nurse gave the newborn his first vaccine she said, You are lucky to live in a country where these are used,
Unlike Clark County, Washington
Motorbikes are ideal transportation for people that don't intend to have children.
They wouldn't even let me bring our newborn home from the hospital.
Anti vax mom goes to the doctor
An anti Vax mom takes her newborn son to the doctor. The doctor says, "you should really consider getting him vaccinated, if you love your child."
The mother is furious. She says, "do you even know what they put in those needles!"
To which the doctor replies, "Vaccines?"
Circumcision is a painful procedure to inflict on a newborn.
After I was circumcised I couldn't walk for a year.
Here is a joke I heard from watching Jake and Amir.
A woman is boarding a bus with her newborn baby in her hand. The bus driver takes one look at the baby and says" ma'am that is the ugliest baby that I have laid my eyes on"
The woman appalled at the statement as she should be sits next to a man
The man says that the lady should not have to take that c**... from anyone so he says
" ma'am you go ahead and tell the driver off, here I'll hold your monkey" .
Son: Dad, why is my newborn sister named instagram?
Dad: Because your mom loves instagram and I found out that she spends enormous amounts of time on it. So, it was my way to get her off her addiction.
Son: Ok Dad, Thank you.
Dad: You're welcome.
Now go to your room, Pornhub.
Billy is the perfect name for a newborn goat.
As a child, it'll be "Billy the Kid." As an adult, it'll be a "Billy Goat."
At a hospital
Mother : "holding a newborn child" you have my eyes
Father : and my smile
Aragorn : you have my sword
Legolas : and you have my bow
Gimli : and my axe
Nurse : can we get security in here please , they are back again
Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."
Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."
