Newborn Baby Jokes
70 newborn baby jokes and hilarious newborn baby puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about newborn baby that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Newborn Baby Short Jokes
Short newborn baby jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The newborn baby humour may include short newborn jokes also.
- A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
- What is the difference between Kevin McCarthy and a newborn baby? In a few months, the baby will be a speaker.
- A doctor hands a new father his newborn baby and says, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it..." The father says, "then hand me the one that my wife made!"
- I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
- A logician's wife is having a baby The doctor hands the newborn immediately to the Father.
His wife asks impatiently: "well, is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician replies: "yes" - What do you say when there's a newborn in the infirmary with a rattler? "ICU baby, shaking that thing"
- The doctor brings the newborn baby to the father and says sorry but your wife didn't make it The new dad replies well then bring me the one she made then!
- I wanted to name our newborn after my father but my wife said Dad is a weird name for a baby.
- Why did patrick swayze put his newborn's crib in the middle of the nursery? Because nobody puts baby in the corner.
- Newborn babies are like a lump of unmolded clay. They even make the same sound when you drop them.
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Newborn Baby One Liners
Which newborn baby one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with newborn baby? I can suggest the ones about infant baby and baby born.
- My iPhone 8 Plus is just like a newborn baby ...except I drop it a lot less
- Why do African newborn babies cry? They have a midlife crisis.
- What did the mother give to her clinically obese newborn baby? A wide birth
- Why was the anti-vaxxer's newborn baby crying? Existential crisis
- Why did Thom York buy a newborn a Mercedes? Because baby's got the Benz.
- What do you call a newborn baby? Anything you want.
- My friend's wife appeared in the room like a newborn baby... Screaming.
- Why did the mother feed her newborn lamb? Because it's baby food.
- What did the engineer say when he held his newborn for the first time? "..mAh baby."
- Kid is destined to be gaye My friend just named her newborn baby "Marvin"
- Today is finally Eid! You know what I'm getting for my newborn baby? A first Eid kit!
- Why can't you fool a newborn baby? It wasn't born yesterday!
- What's a newborn baby' favorite restaurant? h**...
Newborn Baby Boy Jokes
Here is a list of funny newborn baby boy jokes and even better newborn baby boy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Mrs. Bigger liked telling everyone her newborn baby boy was a lot bigger than she was... But he was really just a little Bigger.
- My newborn baby boy can already juggle, speak full sentences and even ride a bike! He is infantly better than his sister...
- A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says... Yes.
Newborn Baby Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about newborn baby you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean newborn son jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make newborn baby pranks.
Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle." Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?" "Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor." "Well, congratulations, you're holding him."
Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle." Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?" "Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor." "Well, congratulations, you're holding him."
Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down.
One says, “You know, I’m 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains. You’re about my age. How do you feel?”
The other guy says, “Oh, I feel like a newborn baby.”
“Really,” says the first guy.
“Yep,” says the second one. “No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants.”
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
A woman steps on to a public bus holding her newborn baby...
...when the bus driver looks at her child and exclaims,
"Oh my god! That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
Disgusted, the woman doesn't say anything and proceeds to the back of the bus. Seeing the upset look on her face, the man she is sitting next to asks what the problem is to which she replies,
"That driver insulted me when I got on. "
"Well you can't just sit there and take it!" he said. "Go on up there and show him who's boss! Go, I'll hold your monkey for you!"
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man...
are waiting in a hospital for each of their respective wives to give birth. Obviously they are quite nervous, pacing up and down etc when a rather red faced doctor comes out. he turns to the three men and says "I'm afraid we an issue, there's been a bit of a mix up with your newborns and we aren't sure whose is whose."
As this is a joke, instead of calling their lawyers immediately the three men decide between themselves that they will go into the room with the babies one by one to see if they feel any connection with any of them to get an idea as to which baby is which. The Englishman goes in first, as is his right, and is in there for quite a while. After 15 minutes he comes out with a child who is for various reasons, clearly the Pakistani's child. The Pakistani turns to him and says "I'm not being funny but I'm pretty sure that baby is mine."
The Englishman turns to him, looks him in the eye and replies "I know mate, but one of the others is Welsh and I'm not taking any chances"
So Little Timmy is Playing with His Legos...
...when all of a sudden his mother comes up to him. She tells him "Timmy, when your father comes home can you tell him to come to our room? Tell him it's very very important". Timmy agrees and continues to play with his legos. A couple of hours later the father comes home and Timmy runs to him and says "Daddy! Mommy says she needs you go to your bedroom, she said it's very very important!". The father starts heading to the bedroom, but Timmy begins to get curious. He secretly follows his dad and waits for him to close the door. He peeks through the keyhole and sees his mom rip off all of her clothes. Standing there n**..., she tells the father very bluntly "John. I want a baby". 9 months later, Timmy receives a new baby sister. A couple days at home pass and Timmy goes up to his mom. He tells her "Mommy, when daddy comes home can you tell him to come to my room? It's super important!". A couple hours pass and the father comes home and greets his wife and newborn. She then tells him "John, Timmy wants you to go to his room, he said it was important". The father heads to Timmy's room, and after walking in Timmy begins to rip off all of his clothes. Standing in front of his father n**..., Timmy says very bluntly "Daddy. I want a bike".
A mother and a father are standing over their newborn baby.
The father looks to the mother and says. "He's quite big down there, Isn't he?" The wife shrugs and says "Yeah. At least he inherited your eyes."
A young nun at a convent
A young nun at a convent had one too many s**... indiscretions, and turned up pregnant. Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.
And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.
After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know what she should do with the baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter. Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn hours. She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.
At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap. She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"
A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward...
A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom. The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first.
A few minutes later the Irishman returns holding a newborn black-skinned baby in his arms.
The black man shouts in anger "Now, I KNOW that baby is MINE!" to which the Irishman replies: "One of those babies is Jewish, and I'm not taking any chances!"
An Israeli man, a Palestinian man, and an Ethiopian man are in a maternity ward waiting room.
An Israeli man, a Palestinian man, and an Ethiopian man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom. The Israeli man springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first.
A few minutes later the Israeli man returns holding a newborn baby in his arms. The baby is clearly Ethiopian.
The Ethiopian man shouts in anger "Hey! I KNOW that baby is MINE!" to which the Israeli man replies: "One of the two babies left is Palestinian, and I'm not taking any chances!"
A woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble.
Out of habit, the parents looked over the newborn baby, then went home and bought a cheaper baby on Amazon
A man goes to pick up his newly born son.
So the new father goes to the hospital and says to the doctor, "hi I'm here to pick up my newly born son."
The doctor says, "sure! Come right this way!"
The doctor goes across the room, picks up the baby, turns and drops the baby.
The father says, "what the--!"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, im sorry!" Picks up the baby, brushes it off and walks closer to the new father.
Then, the doctor drops the baby again. But this time, giving it a little kick on the way down.
The father says, "hey! What's the deal?"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry I'm sorry!" He picks up the baby, brushes it off and walks closer to the new father.
This time, the doctor takes the baby by the ankle, waves it over his head and throws the baby at a wall. Both watching, the baby slides slowly down the wall. The father says, "my goodness! What on earth is wrong with you?! You're going to hurt my newborn!"
The doctor says, "hahaha, don't worry! Your baby was already dead yesterday!"
I was on the train this morning...
I was on the train this morning and I sat next to a woman with a newborn baby. She asked if I minded if she breastfed, and I said, "No, just don't s**... my n**... to hard."
My Dad and I were talking this morning about my brother's newborn baby...
Dad: I think the nurse will take out the plastic thingy from the baby's arm today.
Me: IV?
Dad: I think her name is Brenda, actually.
retired man joke
There were two retired men. One of the men said
"I feel like a newborn baby,".
The other man asked why.
The man said, " I have no hair, no teeth, and I just peed in my pants.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree.
One turns to the other and says, "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age, how do you feel?"
John replies, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really! Like a newborn baby, you say?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, I wear a diaper, and I even drool on myself."
Kylie Jenner just named her newborn baby daughter Stormi
I think the Kardashian family is trying to have a weather forecast for her kids, because it's going to be Stormi in North West Chicago with a chance of Reign.
Our newborn got into my wife's underwear drawer and got all tangled up in her undergarments. My wife was worried, but I told her...
Ain't nothin' but a G-string baby.
An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.
He runs to the doctor and asks:
"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"
The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:
"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."
Little Johnny and His Baby Sister
Little Johnny's newborn baby sister just wouldn't stop crying one day.
Annoyed, Little Johnny asked his mom where they had got her from.
"From Heaven," replied his mom.
"Well, I can see why they threw her out!"
"She looks a bit milk drunk to me," said my grandmother, noting our newborn baby.
I said, "Yes, \*milk\* drunk."
I asked my friend if he had a connection with his newborn son yet. He said no.
The WiFi on babies is terrible.
A father is waiting for his newborn child outside a hospital
A doctor comes out holding the child by the leg, and walks over to the man. The father asks: "Is it a girl or a boy?". But the doctor smashes the baby on the concrete wall, and the father faints. The father wakes up on a hospital bed in a room, and the doctor is staring at him with a grin. The doctor says: "Alright alright i was joking, the baby was dead before it was even born".
A doctor comes out to the maternity ward waiting room holding a newborn baby and suddenly drops him to the floor.
Seeing the father's shocked face, he laughs and says: "Haha, got you. Don't worry, he was born dead".
I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it. A doctor said while handing a man his newborn baby.
The man hands the baby back and says, Sorry, but I don't do reposts.
Here is a joke I heard from watching Jake and Amir.
A woman is boarding a bus with her newborn baby in her hand. The bus driver takes one look at the baby and says" ma'am that is the ugliest baby that I have laid my eyes on"
The woman appalled at the statement as she should be sits next to a man
The man says that the lady should not have to take that c**... from anyone so he says
" ma'am you go ahead and tell the driver off, here I'll hold your monkey" .
Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."
Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."
