New Zealand Jokes
98 new zealand jokes and hilarious new zealand puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new zealand that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest New Zealand Short Jokes
Short new zealand jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new zealand humour may include short kiwi jokes also.
- I once asked a New Zealander how many girlfriends he's had. But he fell asleep while counting.
- A new Zealand joke Why do New zealand race horses run faster than other race horses?
They saw what happened to the sheep - Only a few weeks left before Election Day in the US and I am still undecided... ...if I should move to Canada or New Zealand.
- New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep... Meat and wool.
(Exchange for Welshmen if need be) - What is the difference between New Zealand and the United States? In New Zealand the sheep have four legs
- Why do New Zealand farmers now wear kilts? Because the sheep have gotten used to the sound of zippers
- Why do New Zealanders always do well at rowing? Because it combines the two things they are best at,
sitting down,
and going backward.... - Do you know why New Zealand has banned blind people from bungee jumping? It kept scaring the life out of the seeing eye dogs.
- To all the "I'm moving to Canada" people out there, you're being ridiculous. You won't be far enough to escape the nuclear fallout. Shoot for New Zealand or Australia.
- Oscar Pistorius was keen to get a new bathroom door.... but his girlfriend was dead against it.
Source: Scorch-O-Rama cafe, Wellington, New Zealand
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New Zealand One Liners
Which new zealand one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new zealand? I can suggest the ones about kiwi aussie and new mexico.
- How does a New Zealander find a sheep in long grass? Rather enjoyable
- New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep Meat and wool.
- Nothing ever happens in New Zealand… It hippens.
- What do you call a sunburnt New Zealander? A strawberry kiwi.
- How does a New Zealander find a sheep in long grass? Irresistible.
- What is a New Zealanders favourite love song? I cant help falling in love with ewe..
- What do you call a new-zealander with multiple girlfriends? A shepherd
- Why do they wear skirts in New Zealand? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
- Where do New Zealanders bury lobsided people? Asymmetry
- What do you call a smart Australian? A New Zealander
- What did the Rabbi from New Zealand say? Hey Bro
(Read in your best Kiwi accent) - What's a New Zealander's favorite car? The Kia Ora.
- Why Lord of The Rings was shot in New Zealand? Because there are no Two Towers in U.S.A.
- A bad uber driver drove from New Zealand to Australia. He got two stars.
- What language does a New Zealander Rabbi use to greet people? HeyBru
New Zealand Kiwi Jokes
Here is a list of funny new zealand kiwi jokes and even better new zealand kiwi puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a gay New Zealander? A kiwi fruit
- Why do New Zealanders have so many furry conventions? Because they're kiwis.
Laughable New Zealand Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about new zealand you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new york jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new zealand pranks.
An Australian, an American and a New Zealander are enjoying some beer in Saudi Arabia..
...even though it is against the law to drink alcohol there. They are captured by the Sheik and are sentenced to death, until his wife runs up to him and whispers something in his ear. She glances to the New Zealander, and whispers some more.
The sheik steps forward and announces:
"Because it is my wife's birthday today, she has asked that I spare your lives, on the following terms. You will each get 20 lashes, but will receive one wish before you do. However, since my wife and I admire New Zealand's beautiful countryside, we will allow the New Zealander two wishes."
The Australian is up first, and asks for a pillow to be tied to his back. However, after the first few lashes, the pillow breaks. Then, the American asks for TWO pillows to be tied to his back. Again, they break after but five lashes. Finally, the New Zealander steps forward.
"First," he says, "I would like to be given 40 lashes, not 20."
The sheik is confused at first, and then asks "And...your second wish?"
"Tie the Aussie to my back."
What's the worst part about being a p**... in New Zealand?
Competing with the sheep.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman... (long joke)
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a v**... Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ghanaian, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, 2 Africans and you...
walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway...
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?'
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"
UN Food Survey Fails...
UN Phone Survey
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell on to you from a tree in the jungle?
A snooker table. (Courtesy of Leigh Hart on the Alternative Commentary Collective during the New Zealand v South Africa Cricket World Cup semi-final)
What do you call a Jew from New Zealand
Hebrew
In the mid 1800s a primitive c**... was developed in New Zealand, made from a sheep intestine.
It wasn't until the early 1900s that it made it's way to Australia, where it was immediately improved by removing it from the sheep.
Why is it so hard for New Zealanders to fall asleep?
They're too turned on from counting sheep.
As a New-Zealander it always annoys me when people think we all have s**... with Sheep.
Silly people should know by now, it's also goats, horses, cows, basically anything with a hole...
How do New Zealander's find sheep in long grass?
Delightful
Newsflash, New Zealand!
You're not that new!
There are three kinds of people in New Zealand..
The racists, the big spiders, and the big racist spiders..
The New Zealand Military
What do you call a Jewish New Zealander?
Hebrew
My impression of a New Zealand duck:
Quick... Quick. Quick.
What do you say to a Jewish New Zealander?
Hee brew
How much is the price of s**... in New Zealand?
About $20 a kilo.
What do you call a New Zealander with a sheep under each arm?
A p**....
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.
Donald Trump...
-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world is in shock.
-Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
-Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
-Latin American countries are sending clothing.
-New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
-The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
-Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
-President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.
A friend from New Zealand asked me to put a wedge of lime in his cocktail.
He took a sip and said "Thank you, I couldn't have made it bitter myself!"
What would New Zealand be called if it had a fascist government?
Not Zealand.
The Climate of New Zealand
Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?
Matthew: Very Cold, sir.
Teacher: Wrong.
Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!
What do you call a shorn sheep in a New Zealand bar?
A skimpy.
What's big, white and f**ks New Zealanders?
Mt. Erebus
Coming up next, the love story of a New Zealander and a goat.
Just kidding!
So, I just heard about the 7.5 earthquake in New Zealand...
Seems a lot of people are shaken up about it.
What do you say to a Jewish New Zealander this time of year?
Happy Hakanuh!
After Israel threatened to take the Security Council vote as an act of war, the New Zealand Ambassador called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu....
...Picking up the phone, he spoke "Hebrew."
Why would New Zealand starting a war against Australia be historical?
It would be the first time New Zealand declared anything against Australia.
My mom's in New Zealand, and just texted to tell she's 12 hours ahead
Anyone wanna know what happens in the future?
What do dyslexic people call native New Zealanders?
Mario
:^)
Trump, wishing to visit New Zealand calls Bill English
Mr. English's secretary answers the phone. "Hello! This is the office of Bill English."
Trump says "Hello. This is President Donald Trump of the United States of America. I wish to know the time difference between New Zealand and Washington."
The secratary responds "Just a second, Mr. President."
Trump promptly hangs up.
I was fired for flying my plane from New Zealand to Hawaii.
They said I really crossed the line.
Shouldn't the Archbishop of Canterbury adopt a Twitter handle @pomtifex ??
The Australians, New Zealanders & South Africans (and thereby the rest of the cricketing world call the English - poms)
What garuntees a New Zealand male to have morning wood?
Counting sheep before going to sleep
What did the New Zealander with one leg shorter than the other say?
"Not even bro".
Whats a New Zealanders favorite drink?
Brew
[nsfw] i was driving along a country road in new Zealand and saw a farmer f***ing a sheep
I called out to him "mate, shouldn't you be shearing it?"
He said "shearing it? I ain't shearing it with nobody"
Say what you will about George W Bush, but he wouldn't have stood for North Korean aggression...
He'd have invaded New Zealand by now...
A New Zealander and an Australian are walking down a track
The two mates come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.
Naturally, the kiwi bloke jumps over the fence, bends over, pulls down his pants and goes to town doing the s**... on the poor sheep.
Upon finishing he looks over at his aussie mate, and goes your turn bro , to which naturally the aussie bloke jumps the fence, bends over, removes his pants, and sticks his head in the fence.
Why did the New Zealand dairy Make the Greek dairy go out of business.
Their cows were feta.
Why do the New Zealanders prefer drinking in the living room?
Because it's home, brew.
What do you call a bachelor from New Zealand? Two Thirds
Because of the recurring SIX
Did you hear that New Zealand is about to be officially renamed to middle earth?
The opposition is being way too precious about the situation.
What's a New Zealander's favorite number?
Six.
What language do New Zealander's speak?
Hebrew
Why do New Zealand horses run so fast?
They saw what they did to the sheep.
What did the New Zealander say to the Jew?
Hebrew.
How does a New Zealander greet Jews?
He-brew.
The Egg
I'm utterly opposed to any form of egg cracking on anyone's head and I totally condemn the act of the underage violent vigilante who cracked an egg on senators head. However with that being said what it highlights is the endless distribution and importing of eggs all around the world. Rising fear of egg presence all around Australia and new Zealand. The real cause of what happened today was Australian government allowing to import and to produce eggs in their country in the first place. While today the senator is the victim it doesn't make him the blameless. If you banned eggs in the first place it would have been avoided.
(Collected)
(Cr
A New Zealand man wants to have lots of kids.
"Would you have a baby with me?" he asks his wife.
"Of course!"
"Would you have two with me?" he asks.
After a pause, she says "Yeah that sounds like a good number."
"How about four? Would you have four with me?"
She thinks harder this time. "I suppose four wouldn't be so bad."
Encouraged, he asks "Would you have six with me?"
"Well how the h**... else are we going to get all these kids?"
An Eskimos car breaks down and a man from New Zealand pulls over to help him out. He has a look under the bonnet and says looks like you've blown a seal the Eskimo replies
So what you f**k sheep
