New Yorker Jokes
83 new yorker jokes and hilarious new yorker puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new yorker that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest New Yorker Short Jokes
Short new yorker jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new yorker humour may include short new york jokes also.
- Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? Q: Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?
A: The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. - Think New Yorkers don't get along? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab... One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio.
- Why are New Yorkers always so grumpy? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
- As a new yorker i was excited about a wall that keeps foreigners from taking our jobs Then I learned the wall wasn't being built around New Jersey.
- Know why New Yorkers are so cynical? For them, the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
- Why are so many New Yorkers suffering from depression? Because for them, the "light at the end of the tunnel" is New Jersey.
- How Many New Yorkers Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb? Three. One to change it, and two to talk about how much better the bulbs in New York are.
- Who are the fastest readers in the world? New Yorkers,some of them go through 110 stories in 10 seconds.
- Why are New Yorkers so skeptical about everything? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
- If you're from Virginia, you're a Virginian. If you're from New York, you're a New Yorker. If you're from Texas, you're a Texan. And if you're from Massachusetts, you're a Democrat.
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New Yorker One Liners
Which new yorker one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new yorker? I can suggest the ones about new york city and york times.
- What do you call a New Yorker who's always complaining? A New Yorker.
- Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Because that's where the mini apple is!
- Why are New Yorkers so depressed Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
- Why are New Yorker's sad? The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
- What kind of tooth brush does a Mexican New Yorker use? Orale-B
- New Yorkers are the fastest readers. 80 stories in ten seconds splat!
- New Yorker confuses me Some say forget about it and the others say never forget
- Why can't New Yorkers play chess? They're short 2 towers.
- How fast can New Yorkers read? They can go through 100 stories in under 20 seconds
- What does a New Yorker have when Bill de Blasio works late? A night mayor
- What did the New Yorker say to the dog that couldn't get a ride to get food? Eukanuba!!
- Why did the New Yorker go to sleep under his car? He wanted to wake up oily.
- What do you call a gay New Yorker who is diabetic and really into baseball? A metformin.
- In New York, yelling at someone is demeaning it's de meaning of being a New Yorker!
- Who are the fastest readers? New Yorkers.
They can go through 94 stories in 3 seconds.
Humorous New Yorker Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about new yorker you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean traveler jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new yorker pranks.
New Yoker #1: "Why is Mayor de Blasio appointing former old commissioners to lead city agencies?"
New Yorker #2: "Because in NYC we recycle!"
A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog.
He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.
The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl"
"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says.
"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother.
"But I'm not an American," the man says.
"What are you then?" asks the mother.
"I'm an Iranian," the man says.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.
The waiter tells them, "Excuse me if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.
The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."
The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."
A man sees a dog mauling a small girl...
...and runs over to help. After the girl gets away, a nearby journalist comes to the man and says "That was incredible! Tomorrow, the headlines will read 'Brave New Yorker Saves Girl'", to which the man replies "But I am not a New Yorker." The journalist then says "Then they will read 'Brave American Saves Girs'", and again the man replies "But I am not an American!" The journalist then asks, "Then where are you from?" The man smiles and says "I am an Afghan!"
The next day, the headlines read "Islamic Extremist Murders Innocent American Dog"
A New Yorker, Texan, and Coloradan find a gene's lamp...
A New Yorker, Texan, and Coloradan find a gene's lamp, so they rub it and a gene pops out. Upon seeing the men the gene says, "I will grant you three wishes, who would like to go first?" The New Yorker raises his hand, "Very well" says the gene, "What is your wish?" The New Yorker answers, "Put all the Texan back in Texas so they can't bother anyone anymore." "Ok it has been done, who is next?" the gene response. "Well I reckon I'll go next." says the Texan. "Since all the texans are back in Texas, take all the non-texans out and put a giant wall around Texas to keep them out!" "It has been done." says the gene, then he turns to the Coloradan and says, "Since you're the only one who hasn't wished the last one goes to you." The Coloradan pause for a moment, "So all the texans are back in Texas and all the non-texans are out and there's a wall around it?" The gene replied, "Yes, not what is your wish?" The Coloradan replies with the first thing that comes to his mind, "Fill it up with water!"
A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.
"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.
The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."
Four guys are walking down the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker. A reporter comes up to them and asks: "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says: "what's a shortage?" The Russian says: "what's meat?" The North Korean says: "what's an opinion?" The New Yorker says: "What's excuse me?"
An old Vermonter is sitting on his porch.
A New Yorker is passing by and stops to chat. He asks the old timer, "Have you lived here all your life."
"Not yet."
Remembering 9/11
New Yorkers are very fast readers. They can go through 110 stories in seconds!
What did the New Yorker order from the Liberian waitress?
Ebola soup!
New-Yorker has found a wizard in the bottle. Wizard said:"I'll fulfill your every desire, but your neighbour would get it twice."
"Poke out my eye"
At The Zoo
One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."
To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.
Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man's friend. The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, "OK, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?"
The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit. Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.
He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech is in the male."
Studies show that most New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes.
The study also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny.
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
Mind yer own f**...' business!
Three Guys Stranded on a Cannibal Island
So one day, a boat carrying many people c**... on a cannibal island. There are three survivors, an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New York-er. They are told by the cannibals that the may kill themselves in any whey they like, and that their skins will be used for canoes. So the Englishman pulls out a gun, says, "For my Queen!", and shoots himself. The cannibals use his skin for a canoe. The Frenchman pulls out a bottle of poison-laced whiskey, says, "For my country!" and takes a swig. The cannibals use his skin for a canoe. The New York-er pulled out a fork, says, "Screw your canoes!" and stabs himself repeatedly with the fork.
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
None of your f**...' business! Get owta my f**...' way!
A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas...
After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window.
"What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim.
"Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks."
The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out.
The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker went to a restaurant in London.
The waiter approached the table and said, "Excuse me, but if you order the steak you might not get one, as there is a shortage". The Texan said, "What's a shortage?" The Russian said, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker said, "What's excuse me?"
A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker ....
A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker are walking down the street.
A reporter comes up to them and says,
Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?
The Saudi says, excuse me , what is this word shortage?
The Russian says, excuse me, what's meat?
The North Korean says, excuse me, what's an opinion?
The New Yorker says, excuse me, what's excuse me?
Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
It's because the light at the tunnel is New Jersey.
Islamic joke I saw somewhere
A man walking in New York's Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.
A passing Fox News reporter says: You're a hero. Tonight's TV news bulletin will say: 'Brave New Yorker Saves Child.
The man replies: I'm a tourist from Saudi Arabia.
That night the news on Fox TV says: Islamic extremist kills New York dog.
You know you're a real New Yorker when...
You enter the vestibule of your apartment building, get hit with the stench of u**..., and think to yourself: oh good, today's it's only pee.
Anniversary of the 9/11 attacks.
Proof that New Yorkers can come to together in a crunch.
What's the difference between a New Yorker and a Canadian?
A New Yorker takes the A train; a Canadian takes the train, eh.
What's your opinion on the current meat shortage?
A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City.
He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi man, a Polish man, a North Korean man and a resident New Yorker.
He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?"
The Saudi man replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"
The Polish man said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"
The North Korean man replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"
The New Yorker replied, "What is 'excuse me?'"
What is a New Yorkers favorite drink?
Apple jews.
Texan, Russian and New Yorker walk into a restaurant
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.
The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
Why do so many old New Yorkers move to Florida?
Because every part of their body has started to sag, hang lower, or generally head South.
A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker goes to a restaurant.
The waitress says "Excuse me, if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage."
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The New Yorker says, "What's an 'Excuse me'?"
why new yorkers love italian food
raviyoli
If Londoners are what you call people from London and New Yorkers are what you call people from New York, what are Hamburgers??
Delicious!!
How can you tell the difference between a Canadian and a New Yorker?
New Yorker says: Eh! Get off my car...
Canadian says: Get off my car, eh...
A New Yorker visits a Texan
The Texan shows the New Yorker around his place. "Howd'ya like it?", he asks.
"It's not bad", answers the New Yorker, "but I'll be honest, I expected you Texans to have larger places. The living room's too small, the master bedroom is small too, there is only one bathroom, and there isn't even a balcony."
"Hold your horses!" says the Texan. "We haven't even gotten outta the elevator yet!"
A New Yorker calls his mother who lives in Florida. She answers the phone with a very weak-sounding voice.
"Mom, you don't sound so good. What's wrong?"
Very feebly she answers, "I haven't eaten in quite some time."
"How long has it been, Mom?"
"My last meal was 26 days ago."
"26 Days!? How come?"
"I didn't want to be caught with food in my mouth when you called."
New Yorkers confuse me...
Half of them keep saying "fuhgeddaboudit" but the rest of them keep saying "Never forget".
HEY! I'm walking here!
Said the infant New Yorker that just learned how to walk...
Why are New Yorkers always so distracted?
They can barely afford to pay rent, let alone attention.
Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed?
To wake up oily
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates of Heaven
When a group of New Yorkers walked up.
"Hey St. Petey, may we come in too Heaven?"
St. Peter replies "Well, we have never had N6e Yorkers in Heaven before, let me ask God."
He leaves the pearly gates of Heaven and goes to see God.
"God, there is a group of New Yorkers at the pearly gates of Heaven. Should I let them in?"
God thinks for a moment and says "We have never had New Yorkers in Heaven before. Let's see how it goes. Let them in."
St. Peter leaves God, only to come running back a few minutes later.
"THEY'RE GONE!" He said.
"The New Yorkers?"
"THE PEARLY GATES!!"
A Russian, a Texan, and a New Yorker walk into a restaurant in France
The hostess says excuse me, due to a Mad Cow Disease there is a shortage of steak so we currently don't have any.
The Texan says What's a shortage?
The Russian says What's a steak
The New Yorker says What's excuse me?
A Texan is bragging to a New Yorker about how big Texas is ...
He says, "I can start driving at sunrise, and by sundown I'd still be in Texas." New Yorker says, "I had a car like that once."
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None of your d**... business!
