New York Jokes
128 new york jokes and hilarious new york puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new york that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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- Short New York Jokes
- New York One Liners
- New York City Jokes
- New York Jets Jokes
- Best New York Jokes
- More New York Jokes
Funniest New York Short Jokes
Short new york jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new york humour may include short new jersey jokes also.
- North Korea now has a missle that can reach New York City, and I think that's really scary. If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
- The whole world should be worried that North Korea has a missile that can hit New York... ... because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
- "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" -New York's most hated cab driver
Courtesy of @lordbeef on twitter - In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long. I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.
- Why are people from New York always depressed. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is always Jersey.
- Why is everyone in New York depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
- Why are people in New York always so sad? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is *New Jersey*
- I'm concerned with the world news at the moment. Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, and I was thinking.
"If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere". - Einstein is on a train leaving New York. He leans over to another passenger and asks, "excuse me, do you know if Boston stops at this train?"
- North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary… Because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere…
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New York One Liners
Which new york one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new york? I can suggest the ones about new orleans and new haven.
- Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago Because he's still alive
- I just read that someone gets stabbed in New York City every 46 seconds. Poor guy.
- What's the Al-Qaeda's favourite sports team? The New York Jets ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
- New York is where you find the Big Apple. Minnesota is where the Minneapolis.
- Where do all the New York City landscapers live? Lawn Guy Land
- British Airways. Breakfast in London. Dinner in New York. Luggage in Tokyo.
- what's al qaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets
- Are you a cop from New York? Because you take my breath away.
- I came all the way from New York.... and boy are my hands tired
- What part of New York has the most feminists? Manhatin'
- I'm always Frank & Earnest With Women In Chicago I'm Frank in New York I'm Earnest
- The New York Giants held "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day." The daughters won 27-3.
- How do you know if someone grew up in New York City? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
- This humid weather reminds me of New York in the 80's Muggy.
- What is Al-Qaeda's favorite sports team The new york jets
New York City Jokes
Here is a list of funny new york city jokes and even better new york city puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- New York City has a new cocktail commemorating Ida. It's just a Manhattan, but watered down. #WayTooSoon
- New York is a great city. Today I was at the library, & I asked the librarian for a library card. He told me I first had to prove I was from New York. So I stabbed him.
- I was walking down the street one day in New York City when I was approached by a black guy. He asked me "Did the Yankees Win?" I said "Well yeah, you're free"
- Did you know you're 10 times more likely to be robbed in your home town than in New York city? That's because you don't live in New York City
- Are you the guy who denies bragging about weird stuff? Nope, I'm the guy who uses more hand sanitizer than anyone in New York City.
- Did you know a man gets run over by a car in New York City every five minutes? Whoa, he should really get out of the road!
- A Japanese business man visiting New York City walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a "Stoli with a twist" The bartender leans over the bar and say "Once upon a time...
- How can you tell if someone is from New York City? Don't worry, they'll tell you within the first few minutes of meeting them.
- You probably didn't hear about the power outage in New York City... I think the news should have shed more light on it.
- Did you hear the founders of New York City were Jewish..... Who else can buy the most valuable land in the world for 26 seashells.
New York Jets Jokes
Here is a list of funny new york jets jokes and even better new york jets puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- watch.. Detroit Lions.. vs.. New York ..Jets ..live ..stream ..NFL ..video
- What are 2 things that don't have a second string? Tampons and the New York Jets
- Why is every fan in New York a Giants fan? Because they hate Jets
- why are the new york jets like Hillary Clinton? both have Bills to push around
- What's the difference between the New York Jets and New York Jews? New York Jews prevail with all odds against them.
- Did you see the Browns game? Not the first time the Browns have crashed the Jets in New York
- In Detroit, The Lions get blown out by the New York Jets.... In New York, The Jets blow out you!
- Q: How is Yo' Mama like the New York Jets?
A: You give them a quarter, and they'll let you score. - I can tell you one thing about the New York Jet's quarterback... He may be young, but he's Darnold
- Who is Bush's favorite NFL Team? The New York Jets
Best New York Jokes
Here is a list of funny best new york jokes and even better best new york puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My first dad joke My step daughter told me she wanted to write a book called The Language of Farts. I said knowing her it would be a New York Times best smeller!
- I was looking up some baseball history, *I mean, if you know - you know* ..
But the best way to describe the lineup of the 1935 New York Yankees in one word is, 'ruthless'. - Where is the best place to get pastries in New York? Sconey Island
- What's the best thing from New York City? The train to Boston
Silly & Ridiculous New York Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about new york you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new zealand jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new york pranks.
The trump family is flying from New York to DC
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
o**... Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...
He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"
"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."
"Why, what did you answer?"
"The Empire State Building."
"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."
Getting on a plane . . .
. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."
She told me, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "Well you did it last week!"
A guy walks into a bar and sees that there are dozens of cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling.
Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.
Well, it's a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York s**... dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.
The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying
Ah, no thanks. The steaks are too high.
———
Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.
Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?
Q: Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?
A: The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.
We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend's yacht.
Then we'll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I'm off to New York City. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
"Where are you going?" she asks
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year"
I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.
it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.
it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."
My crush told me that I was like a brother to her while we were in the car...
We were driving to New York at the time, and about halfway up the east coast she told me I was like a brother to her. She was surprised when I proceeded to turn the car around and drive the other way without even acting phased. She asked "where are we going now?" My only answer was "Alabama."
It's a miracle!
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free."
The husband begins packing his bags.
"What are you doing?" asked the wife.
"I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
Israeli tourist
An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"
"I'm from Narnia."
"b**..., that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.
(AP) New York - A baby delivered without eyelids had surgery today at Mount Sinai Hospital in Manhattan, NY. Doctors successfully removed the child's f**... and were able to use the tissue to successfully form eyelids. Doctors said the child will be fine.
Just a little cockeyed.
100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city
Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her.
Stranger: What is your name, sad lady
Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat
Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilty for keeping something earned so dishonestly. Looks like you could have better use for it.
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?
I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
Today I saw a car parked with a bumper sticker that said "I miss New york"
So I smashed his window in and stole his radio.
"Yes, you're free now"
I'm walking down the street in New York City when a black guy walking by me stops and ask, "Hey, did the Yankees win?". I ponder for a second then respond, "Yes, you're free now" and continue on my way.
My husband is like the New York subway...
He makes me angry, frustrated, and late for work but I still can't help but ride him every day.
A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.
The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."
The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."
A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker ....
A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker are walking down the street.
A reporter comes up to them and says,
Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?
The Saudi says, excuse me , what is this word shortage?
The Russian says, excuse me, what's meat?
The North Korean says, excuse me, what's an opinion?
The New Yorker says, excuse me, what's excuse me?
Think New Yorkers don't get along? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab...
One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio.
I once had 4 blowouts at once, but managed to drive on the metal of my rims from New York to New Jersey. I did pretty good, but the hero of the moment was my car.
It worked tirelessly.
t**...
At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None of your d**... business!
10 september 2001
The child of Bin Laden comes home grumpy. His dad asks him "what happened?". "Today I got an F in geography class". "And what did she ask you?". "What's the tallest building from New York and I said Empire State Building". "Eh, don't cry over it, I'll take care of that for you."
Speaking in German in Texas
In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
Why are New Yorkers always so grumpy?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
Arrested at the airport
I'm a car salesman going to New York for the unveiling of the new Porsche 911 model
When i landed in New York the TSA asked me are you here for business or pleasure
I responded I'm here for the new 911
An Asian guy walks into
An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says "Fluctuations". The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the
door, turns around and says: "Fluc you Amelicans too!"
Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas.
After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?" "I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains. "The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."
A man walks into a bar......
An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the three drinks, pays, and leaves.
This goes on almost every night for a couple of weeks. Finally the bartender asks the man why he orders three drinks at a time, since there's no real advantage to it. So the man tells him, "When I left the auld sod I promised my two brothers that whenever I sat down to take a taste of the creature, I'd order one for me and one for each of them. That's why I order three at once." It makes sense to the bartender, so he's satisfied.
The man keeps coming back almost every night for more than a year. He and the bartender get to know each other pretty well. Then one day, the man orders only two drinks. This goes on for a couple weeks, but the bartender is afraid to ask if anything happened to one of the brothers. Finally, the man comes into the bar and only orders two drinks, again. The bartender figures he has to ask, and summons up the courage to say, "I noticed you've been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything allright with your brothers?" The man looks at the bartender, puzzled, then realizes what he is implying. He smiles and says, "Yes! My brothers are fine, but I've given up drinking for Lent."
Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem
One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.
'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'
'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'
'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'
DRINKING BUDDIES
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!"
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender."It's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."
So this r**... in New York is getting mugged...
and he fights like a wildcat, but eventually the three toughs overcome him. Two hold him down while the third grabs his wallet and opens it.
"Ten dollars??!!? You fought like a madman for *15 minutes* for a lousy ten bucks?"
"Oh no!" replied the r**.... "I thought you were going after the $500 in my shoe!"
A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.
"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.
The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."
What do me and Rudy Giuliani have in common?
Neither of us are allowed to practice law in New York.
So this guy had found a magic lamp, which had a genie in it. After a while...
**Genie:** So master, you have one wish left, think wisely.
**Guy:** Hmmm, I wish there was a railroad that connect New York City to Moscow.
**Genie:** That... is quite a big wish you got there. Do you have anything more reasonable?
**Guy:** In that case, I wish I was able to understand women.
**Genie:** Did you want your railroad to be single or double track?
So the pope coes to New York...
and flags a taxi. The taxi is extremely suprised to see the pope, and quickly ushers him into his cab. After a few minutes of silence, the pope says to the taxi driver "You know, being the pope, I've always have people drive me places, and I rarely get the chance to drive myself. Would you mind if I got behind the wheel for a little while?" Not wanting to say no to the pope, the taxi driver lets him drive. They get pulled over by the police soon after, since the pope was driving way over the speed limit. The officee walks up to the cab, is about to give them ticket, until he sees the pope. Not sure of what to do in this sitution, he calls his superior. "Sir, I just pulled over this guy for speeding, and he's *really* important. What do I do?" "Well who is the guy, the mayor?" "Nah, bigger than that" " Is he a movie star?" " No, way bigger than that" "Is he the president?" "No, he's bigger than that" "Well then who is he!?" "I dunno, but he's got the pope driving for him!"
A Jewish lady wants an obituary for her husband.
A Jewish lady calls the New York Times and says "I want an obituary for my husband." The person at the times says "it's 10$ a word". "10$ a word!" The lady exclaims. "Fine" she says "Burnstein dies". The lady says "there is a minimum of 5 words". "Fine" she grumbles, "Burnstein dies Buick for sale".
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"
Why did New York get all the lawyers, and New Jersey all the toxic waste sites?
New Jersey picked first.
NY Driver's license.
A recently arrived Polish immigrant is taking eye test to get a driver's license in New York. The examiner shows him a card with the following letters:
C Z A J K O K I W S
The examiner asks - Can you read this?
The Polish replies - Read??! I know this guy!!
Super bowl tickets
A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5' 6", about 120 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress."
*this was forwarded to me by my dad just now, never heard before, thought was worthwhile for a chuckle.
A tourist is eaten by a python at the zoo.
Two tourists from the Czech republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.
Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks him: "Which of these pythons ate your friend, the male or the female one?"
"That one! That one!", exclaims the Czech, pointing at the male snake, bloated with its stomach full. The caretaker runs up behind the satiated snake, cuts it open and pulls out ... a feeder pig.
"Oh no, it must have been the other one", yells the tourist. So the keeper cuts open the female snake, and sure enough, out comes the tourist.
In the end, the tourist could be revived, and miraculously, both snakes managed to live through the events, but there's still a lesson to be learned here: Never trust someone who tells you the Czech is in the male.
So, there are two men.
They know each other for years now. Frank, a brain surgeon from new york and Ahmad a former r**... from syria.
Both men want to build an house and decide to build their houses in the very same street, next to each other. They even ask the architect to just copy the first house!
And when the houses are built Ahmad says to Frank: "My house is worth more than yours."
"How can that be? We both live next to each other!"
"Yes"
"Our houses were built identically, with the same materials."
"True."
"So how can it be, Ahmad?"
"Very simple: I live next to a brain surgeon and you live next to a r**...!"
A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Japanese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.
As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any s**... clubs while you're in New York?"
The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"
When he got to his hotel, the headline in the evening paper read: **l**... BISHOP'S FIRST QUESTION: "ARE THERE ANY s**... CLUBS IN NEW YORK?"**
What do you call a New Yorker who's always complaining?
A New Yorker.
A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?""Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again
As a new yorker i was excited about a wall that keeps foreigners from taking our jobs
Then I learned the wall wasn't being built around New Jersey.
A passenger at an airport in New York was at the counter
-I'm going California for business, I want to go to Los Angeles, I want to send the big suitcase in my right hand to San Francisco and the smaller suitcase on ground to San Diego.
-Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid that's not possible, we can't do that.
-Great then, because that's what you did on my last flight.
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday.
According to the Associated Press,
witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled,
overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.
I told my wife, Let's take a trip to upstate New York this weekend.
Her: Ok. By Buffalo?
Me: No, I was thinking of taking a car.
Did you hear about this year's newest fad diet coming out of New York and New Jersey?
The swim-fast diet.
Know why New Yorkers are so cynical?
For them, the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
A piece of toast walks into a bar.
The bartender starts chatting with him.
"Where are you from? I haven't met many pieces of toast."
The piece of toast takes a long sip of beer, and says "Well, I was born and bread in New York."
In New York there are many tattoo artists from all over the world, but for some reason the artists from Spain have trouble getting business.
Why? Because nobody expects the Spanish ink precision!
A naive young priest is sent to New York City...
... and while waking through the park is approached by a s**...-clad p**....
"Hey father, how about some head, only ten bucks!"
He doesn't understand but is so embarrassed he just mumbles "no thank you" and hurries Back to the church.
Thinking about the encounter later he asks one of the nuns, "hey sister what's 'head'?
"Ten bucks same as in the park."
Lindsey Graham gets new suit
On a Senate trip to Japan, Lindsey Graham picked up some silk to have a custom suit made. At a top notch tailor shop in South Carolina, the tailor said with the material, he could make a single breasted suit.
Graham decided to wait, took the material to a tailor in New York who told him he could make a double breasted suit, a vest, and an extra pair of pants.
He asked, "How can you do so much more with this material than the tailor in South Carolina?"
"Well, senator, I guess you're not as big up here."
What do you call a wine convention in upstate New York?
The Lake Champlain Champagne Campaign
Baseball
A Braves fan walks into an Atlanta bar and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. Drinks for everyone here, bartender! shouts the Braves fan. Except for Mr. Yankees!
The Yankees fan smiles and says, Thank you!
Infuriated, the Braves fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Mr. Braves asks the bartender, What's the matter with that guy? I've ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?
No, he's not nuts, says the bartender. He owns the place.
