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New Years Eve Jokes

61 new years eve jokes and hilarious new years eve puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new years eve that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest New Years Eve Short Jokes

Short new years eve jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new years eve humour may include short christmas eve jokes also.

  1. Did you hear that NYC paid hillary clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
  2. Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East? Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero
  3. The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
  4. If you're worried about not getting a New Year's Eve kiss this year, just remember Valentine's Day is coming up and you're probably going to be alone for that, too.
  5. Just checked that the carton of milk in my fridge expired December 31. Unlike me, it had a date on New Year's Eve.
  6. LPT: Be careful driving on New Years Eve A lot of men will be drunk, so their wives and girlfriends will be the ones driving.
  7. My buddy asked my girlfriend and I if we had any plans for New Years Eve.. I told him we were going to get new glasses.
    And then what ? he asked.
    Then we'll see
  8. Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, "When Harry Met Sally" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight... You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie...
  9. I'm going to stay up on New Year's Eve this year... not to see the New Year in, but to ensure this one leaves.
  10. Wow, I haven't showered since last year! Haha good one, but it's only New Year's Eve
    I know...

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New Years Eve One Liners

Which new years eve one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new years eve? I can suggest the ones about news years and year eve.

  1. What do Alcoholics call New Year's Eve? Amateur night!
  2. I'm so broke This New Years Eve I'm gonna party like its $19.99
  3. What did one cow say to another cow at midnight on New Years eve? Moo.
  4. Roy Moore missed the New Years Eve countdown. He's demanding a recount.
  5. What do cannibals do on New year's Eve? They have friends for lunch.
  6. Pluto wanted to throw Earth a birthday party on New Year's Eve But he forgot to planet
  7. I don't go out on new years eve Cool guys don't look at explosions
  8. New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
  9. I'll be buying me some more condoms after this New Years Eve! My old ones expire.
  10. What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year!
  11. Spending New Year's Eve at home in front of TV is pathetic! So we sit sideways
  12. It's New Year's Eve. Not New Year's Steve.
  13. I haven't taken a bath since last year. Make sure to say that before New year's Eve
  14. Be careful not to drink and drive this New Years Eve... You might spill your drink
  15. - Will you celebrate New Year's Eve with your parents again, like a loser? - Yes, mom...

New Years Eve joke, - Will you celebrate New Year's Eve with your parents again, like a loser?

Uproarious New Years Eve Jokes to Share with Friends

What funny jokes about new years eve you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new year jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new years eve pranks.

What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security.

It's officially New Year's Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.

Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a p**...."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a p**..., Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"

I got arrested on New Year's Eve.

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Why does Marx support New Years Eve celebrations?

Well, it's got everyone out and about, celebrating another revolution.....
(I'll show myself out)

When You Hit Puberty On New Year's Eve...

You'll be celebrating 2 "ball drops" tonight.

New Year's Eve probably s**... for Lance Armstrong...

He can't enjoy watching the ball drop.

I'm glad Steve Harvey didn't host new years eve.

I don't think I'm ready for it to be 2017 yet.

The average person has s**... 90 times a year.

Man this going to be an epic new years eve!

I have to work new years eve.

But I'm not upset, after work I have the rest of the year off.

A boyfriend and a girlfriend are taking on New Year's Eve

Girlfriend: What'cha doin'?
Boyfriend: Watching the ball drop on my laptop.
Girlfriend: Cool. What's your New Year's resolution?
Boyfriend: 1080p

New Year's Eve Party

*Two guys watching Mariah Carey's Times Square performance*
Guy 1: "Man, 2016 has been such a mess."
Guy 2: "I know right. This year ended on such a low note I can't even hear it."

Everyone was worried about terrorists on New Years Eve...

Nobody ever anticipated that Mariah Carey would be the one to bomb.

Time zones are crazy

On new years eve some parts of the world are in 2017, some are in 2016, and a large portion of the U.S. is still stuck in 1940.

Remember the old adage about New Year's Eve? If you're not in bed by 10:00pm...

You might as well go home.

New Years Eve

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the s**... of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

If you started having s**... at 11:59:59 on New Years Eve....

You would've finished at exactly the start of 2018.

Did you hear about that one New Year's Eve in Times Square where the ball malfunctioned halfway through?

They really dropped the ball on that one.

Some people say that going to bars on St. Patrick's Day and New Year's Eve is "amateur hour."

But that's just because they don't have a sponsor yet.

A woman calls her friend from a maternity hospital.

Do you remeber that guy from the New Year's Eve party nine months ago that was dressed as a Chinese?
Yes, why?
He was definitely Chinese...

A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink.

A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink. As midnight approached he raised in glass in a toast, "Let's all begin this year standing beside the person who has made this past year worth living." The poor bartender was nearly crushed to death.

Today I found out that bill nye is just a stage name.

His real name is William New Year's Eve.

How many sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Six - one to try and reach the socket, and the other five to stand around saying that its too high for her.

New Year's Eve

It's not even midnight and my Welsh friend just messaged me "Blwyddyn Newydd Dda".
He must be smashed already.

New Years Eve joke, My buddy asked my girlfriend and I if we had any plans for New Years Eve..

jokes about new years eve