New Year Wishes Jokes
19 new year wishes jokes and hilarious new year wishes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new year wishes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest New Year Wishes Short Jokes
Short new year wishes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new year wishes humour may include short new year jokes also.
- Testing new mobile phone Hello, i don't know if anyone is going to read this because i am using the internet explorer. But still i wanna wish you a good start in the new year 2010.
- Why does Vincent van Gogh always look forward to thenew year? Because everyone wishes him a new ear.
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New Year Wishes One Liners
Which new year wishes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new year wishes? I can suggest the ones about new year resolution and news years.
- New year is about to come. I wish... ... not yet! New year hasn't come yet!
New Year Wishes Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about new year wishes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean birthday wish jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new year wishes pranks.
Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.
The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss Wow that's an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!
The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really hard, and you do your overtime, and you save your pennies, and you do your absolute best then maybe...
The employee, mystified and excited for what comes next, says yes...
The boss looks into the employees eyes and says then maybe... I'll have another one next year.
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
"Why"? Putin asks
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, - I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a p**...."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a p**..., Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The older man and his problems
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform s**.... He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more s**... and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff, remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I wish Kanye's new song Lift Yourself would have come out 35 years ago
It wouldn't have taken me so long to get p**... trained.
A 40 year old couple are hiking in the woods
... They eventually stumble upon Santa Claus. "I will grant you one wish each!" Santa told them. "I want a new car!" The man said, "I want a new TV!" the woman said. Santa Claus, with a smile on his face ".. But on one condition". "and what's that?" the man said, already confused with the encounter. "you'll allow me to have good time with your wife". The couple was shocked and appealed, but eventually they agreed on the condition. Santa and the woman walked into the woods leaving the man behind waiting. After a while, both of them came back. "How old are you?" Santa asked the man, "forty three" the man answered. Santa Claus replied "And you still believe in Santa?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The embarrassed s**... active middle aged woman
A s**... active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her v**... lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him.
"I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" the woman asked.
"That's from a man in the burns unit -
he wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
Funniest Doctor Joke I've read in years (supposedly true):
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB-GYN,
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...
To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3rd Rose
A s**... active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her v**... lips reduced in size because, over the years they had become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and of course the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia,she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bear is chasing a rabbit in the woods...
The happen upon a stream where a frog yells at them,
"I'm a magical frog. I'll grant each of you 3 wishes since your the first to grace me with your presence on over a hundred years"
"ok but i go first," says the bear. "I wish every bear in this forest, except for me, were female!" And p**...! All the bears are female.
"Ok ok my turn, I wish for a helmet!" Says the rabbit.
p**...! A helmet appears in his hands.
"you're an idiot rabbit. Such a waste of a wish... I wish all the bears in the next forest over were female!"
p**...! His wish is granted.
"i wish for the worlds fastest dirt bike." Says rabbit.
p**...! His wish is granted.
"For my final wish, i wish all the bears in the world, except for me, are female!"
p**...!
Rabbit gets on his new dirtbike and revs the engine a few times before saying, "Frog, for my final wish." He paused to rev his engine one more time. "I WISH BEAR WAS GAY!" and he took of into the woods.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish p**...- An old joke but still good!
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a p**......."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a p**... dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An ethnically diverse group of people are doing something…
An African-American, a Mexican-American, Jewish-American, and a white man are walking along the beach in Florida. One of them stumbles over a lamp and as he picks it up, a genie appears. The genie thanks them from freeing him from the lamp and offers them each a wish. The African-American says, "My native land has suffered from all the people stolen away by slavery. I wish for all my people to be returned to Africa to start a new age of African success." As he finishes speaking, p**..., he is gone. The Mexican-American is inspired and says, "My native land has suffered from all the people run out by the cartels and corruption. I wish for all my people to be returned to Mexico to start a new age of Mexican success." As he finishes speaking, p**..., he is gone. The Jewish-American feels the same way and says, "My native land has had my people chased out for thousands of years. I wish for all my people to be returned to Israel to start a new age of Israeli success." As he finishes speaking, p**..., he is gone. The white guy is clearly taken aback with all that has happened. He says, "Let me get this straight, all the black, mexicans, and jews are gone? Lemme get a diet coke."
A husband and wife give birth to twins...
...but realized that they simply don't have the money to support a family. They put the twins up for adoption without so much as giving them names, after deciding it was for the best. Soon, one twin is adopted by a Mexican family, and his new family names him Juan. Shortly after, the other twin is adopted by an Egyptian family. His family names him Jamal. Years pass, and one day the couple receives a picture in the mail of Juan.
"Look, honey!", said the wife, "They sent us a picture of Juan! I just wish we could get a picture from Jamal..."
The husband replied, "You don't need one."
"Why?" She asked him.
"Because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal."