New Year Resolution Jokes
109 new year resolution jokes and hilarious new year resolution puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new year resolution that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest New Year Resolution Short Jokes
Short new year resolution jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new year resolution humour may include short new years resolution jokes also.
- I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above. It's my new year's resolution.
- My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape Maybe I won't stick with this one either.
- I have 11 New Year Resolutions... * Never make resolutions
* Be accepting of paradoxes
* Use the binary number system more often - I'm starting a new business tomorrow. It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.
I'm calling it, "Resolutions." - My new year's resolution is I'm going to be less condescending. And by the way, condescending means talking down to people.
- Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution.
Happy new year! - The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
- I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!
- I came up with my New Year's resolution. I will be more of an optimist But I know that won't happen. Something will go wrong, and I'll fail.
- My New Years resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language. I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done by tomorrow.
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New Year Resolution One Liners
Which new year resolution one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new year resolution? I can suggest the ones about new year and year resolutions.
- I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018 It's my new year's resolution.
- Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas. Making my new years resolution 3840 x 2160.
- I need to buy a 4k TV, no matter what. It's my new year resolution.
- My New Year's Resolution is to lose 10 pounds Only 13 more to go
- Im so poor... That my new years resolution is 144p
- This year in going to watch everything in 4K It's my new year's resolution.
- Are you a new years resolution? Cuz I could see myself doing you for a month or two
- What was the console gamer's New Years Resolution? 1280x720
- I asked a nerd what his New Year's resolution was. He said, "1920x1080".
- My new year resolution is 1024x768.
- I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution. 3840x2160
- 10 things for my new years resolution: 1. Stop being lazy.
- What's your New Years resolution? Mine is 3120x1440. I got a new phone.
- My new years resolution is to lose my virginity I think its time after 85 years
- What are your New Years resolutions? I'm upgrading to 2460×4820.
Rib-Tickling New Year Resolution Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about new year resolution you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new year new me jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new year resolution pranks.
My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.
Our Xmas dinner also happens to be my New Year's resolution
Bone-less turkey
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My New Years Resolution
New Year's resolution- Date more models.
Revised- Date more.
Revised again- Get a date.
Revised one last time- Stop crying while m**....
My New Year's resolution is to cut back on my drinking...
One fifth a day, max.
My new years resolution........
Hopefully 4k 55''
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For my New Year's Resolution I've decided only to smoke after having s**....
If 2014 is anything to go by, I've quit.
My New Year's resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall.
And I plan on sticking to it.
My dad told me his New Years resolution was to embrace his mistakes.
He hugged my sister and I :(
Wife just got me a new tv for Christmas!
Looks like my New Years resolution is 1080.
My New Year's Resolutions
320 x 320
800 x 600
1440 x 900
1920 x 1080
I made two New Year's resolutions: my first is to stop procrastinating
I'll make my second one later
My new year's resolution...
2K, and 16 extra pixels.
[OC] Alright, here's my new year's resolution...
Stop being late
For the New Year, I vow to take a selfie at 720p.m.
It's a decent resolution.
2017 New Years Resolution
First step: write down the resolu
Last year I was quite miserable and depressed, so I made it my new year's resolution to turn that around.
Thanks 2016, you helped me achieve my goal and made me depressed and miserable.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
New Years Resolutions
Me and the wife were having Christmas drinks with friends when one asked, "what's everyone's new years resolution?"
I said, "Mine's going to be, to have more s**...."
"Oh great!" my wife sighed.
"Don't worry, love" I assured her, "it's not going to affect you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For this New Years resolution I'm not going to smoke any more w**....
But I'm not gonna smoke any less either.
They asked me my New Year's resolution...
I said 1440p.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My New Year's Resolution was to stop m**...
Well I guess there's always next year
A boyfriend and a girlfriend are taking on New Year's Eve
Girlfriend: What'cha doin'?
Boyfriend: Watching the ball drop on my laptop.
Girlfriend: Cool. What's your New Year's resolution?
Boyfriend: 1080p
Making a New Years resolution to not shart myself
I hope I can keep the streak going
New Years resolution
Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year's Resolution
Whats a low-end PC's New Years Resolution?
800x600
I've been reading so much about alcohol being really bad for you. So I've decided on my New Year's Resolution...
No more reading!
My New Year's resolution is to give up club sandwiches.
But I don't think I can give up cold turkey.
My New Year's Resolution is to stop making commitments that I can't follow through with.
I guess I already failed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My New Year's resolution is to have Faith and Hope...
It'll be a great t**....
My New Years resolution for 2018 is...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife wants me to lose 180 pounds this year for my new year's resolution.
I'm serving her with the divorce papers on Tuesday.
New Years resolution to recycle water
I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer. I really don't care what everyone else at the gym says.
My New Year's resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorants
Roll on 2018
Well, I finally have my resolutions written down for the new year.
Already planned to:
- Exercise at least three times a week
- Eat a healthy, balanced diet
- Get regular healthy sleep
- Spend more time reading, less time playing games
- Less energy drinks, more water
I'm going to turn my life around. This year is going to be great!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
New year's resolution - give up smoking and w**....
It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to quit smoking
Friend: My new year resolution for 2018 is to quit smoking.
Me: That's great, I might have a tip for you.
Friend: What is it? Most tips online don't seem to work for me.
Me: It's pretty simple actually. Try to limit your smokes to only after s**.... As you get older, you'll smoke less and less.
Friend: Has it worked for you?
Me: I don't smoke, but my wife has quit smoking ever since we've been married.
A New Years Resolution is..
Something that goes in one year and out the other.
Hello, Im here to subscribe to the gym
+Hello, I'm here to subscribe to the gym
-Are you here because of a New Year Resolution?
+Yes
-We have a one day plan, it includes 4 selfies in the weight lifting area
+Perfect
My big New Years resolution is to…
…get a 4K TV.
My New Year Resolution for 2018 is...
Buying bitcoin in 2011!
Two men are talking about their new year's resolutions
Man #1: My new year's resolution was to get my wife pregnant.
Man #2: Woah, that was my resolution too!!
Man #1: Really? I didn't know you were married...
Man #2: I'm not.
Man #1: Then how was your new year's resolution to get your wife pregnant?
Man #2: I was talking about your wife
A little late to the party here, but for my New Year's resolution, I decided to dedicate more time to my step machine.
I never knew my real machine. 😢
It's a little late for a New Year's resolution, But I think it's for the better.
I've decided to go full Vegan. I won't be eating animals anymore. *Just* Vegans.
My 2018 New Year's resolution is to procrastinate this year.
This is my most successful resolution so far.
The New Year's Resolution of an ADHD
AD4K
I have only two new years resolutions: To get back into the shape I was before the accident...
....and to stop referring to the fact that I eat too much junkfood, 'the accident'
My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often.
But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.
My New Year's Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer
I've only got 40 lbs. to go
What's the worst new years resolution?
288p
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her New Year's resolution was
She replied, "to get people on reddit to quit repeating the same s**... joke."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last year, one of my new year resolutions was too stop being so arrogant and c**...
Realised a week into January I didn't need to bother because I am already perfect
Ever since 2017, my New Year's resolution has been to work on my novel.
Four years going and I've almost finished reading it!
May all your troubles in 2021...
...last as long as your New Year resolutions!
My New Year's Resolution is to be more humble...
Which should be easy as I'm already *really* good at it!
My New Years Resolutions are 1600x900, 1330 x 768 and 1024x768
I'm not buying any new tv's.
My New Years Resolution is to get a girlfriend
After what happened in 2020, i didn't get the chance to, but 2021 will be the year.
~~After what happened in 2019, i didn't get the chance to, but 2020 will be the year.~~
~~After what happened in 2018, i didn't get the chance to, but 2019 will be the year.~~
~~After what happened in 2017, i didn't get the chance to, but 2018 will be the year.~~
~~After what happened in 2016, i didn't get the chance to, but 2017 will be the year.~~
~~After what happened in 2015, i didn't get the chance to, but 2016 will be the year.~~
When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated.
She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, "oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution"
My New Year's Resolution
Stop procrastinating.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and his friend were talking about their New Year's Resolutions.
Friend: I heard you set some really tough resolutions, have you completed them?
Man: Well of course! I've swam across the Pacific Ocean in only speedos.
Friend: Neat.
Man: Scaled Mount Everest n**...!
Friend, a bit skeptical: Really?
Man: Well, there is one I still haven't completed.
Friend: And that is?
Man: Break my habit of lying......
My friend Jack …
… woke up on January 1st 2021, glanced over at his wife Edna and was suprised to see that she looked weirdly pixelated.
Oh my god! he yelped with a look of confusion and growing concern on his face, What happened last night?!
Seeing his expression, Edna reached over to give him a hug saying, Oh don't worry honey, this is just my New Year's resolution!
For my New Years resolution I promise to never steal money out of my wife's purse
But then I just remembered she's got a birthday coming up
