New Year Jokes
148 new year jokes and hilarious new year puns to laugh out loud. Read holiday jokes about new year that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest New Year Short Jokes
Short new year jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new year humour may include short happy new year jokes also.
- I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above. It's my new year's resolution.
- My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years.
- Did you hear that NYC paid hillary clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
- This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is... to be able to post this in a different sub.
- My friend was bragging his new 3D printer can print a gun. I wasn't impressed, I've had a Canon printer for years!
- My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said wow that's an amazing car. If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year.
- My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape Maybe I won't stick with this one either.
- Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years... ...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.
- Knock Knock Knock knock
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna happy new year!
Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :) - Chinese New Year, Mardi Gras and valentines day are too close... I don’t know what to paint on my nails.
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New Year One Liners
Which new year one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new year? I can suggest the ones about news years and end of the year.
- I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018 It's my new year's resolution.
- Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas. Making my new years resolution 3840 x 2160.
- I need to buy a 4k TV, no matter what. It's my new year resolution.
- My New Year's Resolution is to lose 10 pounds Only 13 more to go
- Im so poor... That my new years resolution is 144p
- I achieved my New Year's revolution from last year. I made it all the way around the sun.
- This year in going to watch everything in 4K It's my new year's resolution.
- Happy new year to everyone Unless you're Australian, in which case ɹɐǝʎ ʍǝu ʎddɐH
- I'm doing well on my New Years resolution to lose 10 pounds I only have 15 more to go.
- Are you a new years resolution? Cuz I could see myself doing you for a month or two
- What was the console gamer's New Years Resolution? 1280x720
- My new year's resolution is to be more assertive... ...if that's OK with you guys?
- What day of the year are there no hackers on PUBG? Chinese New Year.
- I asked a nerd what his New Year's resolution was. He said, "1920x1080".
- My new year resolution is 1024x768.
New Year New Me Jokes
Here is a list of funny new year new me jokes and even better new year new me puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- As a 12 year old, online dating is a tough thing Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
- I have 11 New Year Resolutions... * Never make resolutions
* Be accepting of paradoxes
* Use the binary number system more often - I'm starting a new business tomorrow. It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.
I'm calling it, "Resolutions." - I just purchased a new iPhone 7 Plus, and my son dropped it, So i'm giving it away. He's 8 years old, tall and quite thin. Good with pets.
- My new year's resolution is I'm going to be less condescending. And by the way, condescending means talking down to people.
- Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution.
Happy new year! - The amount of new jokes on this sub is ridiculous today. Just wait 4 years and they will all be reposted.
- Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East? Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero
- I'm proud to announce I have stuck to my New Years Resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January. My feet have never looked better.
- Would you rather feel the pain of your toes bring crushed in an instant, or spread out over a few years? In other words, here are your brand new safety shoes.
New Year Resolution Jokes
Here is a list of funny new year resolution jokes and even better new year resolution puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!
- I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution. 3840x2160
- My New Year's Resolution is to stop being so condescending! (Condescending means talking down to people)
- At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds.... ...Only 15 pounds to go.
- I came up with my New Year's resolution. I will be more of an optimist But I know that won't happen. Something will go wrong, and I'll fail.
- My new year's resolution is I'm gonna be less condescending. (Condescending means talking down to people btw )
- 10 things for my new years resolution: 1. Stop being lazy.
- My New Years resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language. I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done by tomorrow.
- New Year resolutions: (1) Stop making lists
(d) become more consistent
(VII) learn how to count - My New Year's Resolution is to be more humble... Which should be easy as I'm already *really* good at it!
Happy New Year Jokes
Here is a list of funny happy new year jokes and even better happy new year puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I know the secret to leaving a casino with a small fortune Walk in with a big fortune.
Happy new year - Happy New Years 2013! Hey guys I'm sending this through Internet Explorer, hope you guys had a great 2012!
- Happy new year! -sent from internet explorer
- How do they say Happy New Years in Australia? sɹɐǝ⅄ ʍǝN ʎddɐH
- What do being mad at the world and watching the ball drop have in common? Both involve yelling at a big blue ball.
P.S: Happy New Year! 10 more minutes! - Hello everyone. I'm using Internet explorer so I hope this gets out in time. Happy New Year 2006
- A toast for tonight! 2020 is hindsight!
Happy New Years! - A programmer won a contest.... ... by getting the 0th position. Hip hip Array!!
(Happy new year everyone!) - An old man talking to a new friend, said, "you know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years" The other guy responded, "oh? What happened after 40 years?"
The first man sighed, "we met". - Happy New Year #2018 first.
Chinese New Year Jokes
Here is a list of funny chinese new year jokes and even better chinese new year puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- New Years celebrations are pretty wild But Chinese New Year is its own animal
- I don't like these Chinese New Year celebrstions They tend to Drag-on.
- A woman calls her friend from a maternity hospital. Do you remeber that guy from the New Year's Eve party nine months ago that was dressed as a Chinese?
Yes, why?
He was definitely Chinese... - A couple of friends are holding a joint party for Chinese New Year and Burns Night called Chinese-Burns Night I wasn't keen but they twisted my arm...
- China's time zone is 28 days behind ours. "Chinese New Year"
- We're two days into the Chinese New Year, the year of the rooster and I'm still writing year of the monkey on my checks
- Why do Chinese throw away their rings on lunar new year? Cuz they love dumpling.
- Are you celebrating Chinese New Year, gurrrl? Cuz I'd like to go home from the baa and ram ewe.
- What does a Lamb say after the Chinese New Year celebration? Baaaah bye!
- So my friend says: No one celebrates New Year's Eve "We aren't Chinese." He says.
True story.
Fun-Filled New Year Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about new year you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean year eve jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new year pranks.
Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
The average person has s**... 90 times a year.
Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
"Why"? Putin asks
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, - I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!"
When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated.
She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, "oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution"
Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a p**...."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a p**..., Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
My New Year's Resolution was to stop m**...
Well I guess there's always next year
Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her New Year's resolution was
She replied, "to get people on reddit to quit repeating the same s**... joke."
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff, remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
If you were born in September
It's safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang !
New Years resolution
Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year's Resolution
New Years Eve
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the s**... of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
Seeing as it's almost time for New Years Celebrations for myself
Tonight I am an exorcist, as I shall be ridding the house of all Spirits.
After a night of heavy drinking, when I woke up n**... in my sister's bed on New Year's day, I feared the worst.
When my brother-in-law kissed me on the cheek, those fears were realized.
For this New Years resolution I'm not going to smoke any more w**....
But I'm not gonna smoke any less either.
I got arrested on New Year's Eve.
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A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink.
A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink. As midnight approached he raised in glass in a toast, "Let's all begin this year standing beside the person who has made this past year worth living." The poor bartender was nearly crushed to death.
The Dolly Parton Diet
A guy walks into a bar and orders a light beer. "How's your New Year's diet coming along?" the bartender asks. "It's going okay, but I'm not losing as much as my buddy Joe. He went on that new Dolly Parton diet," the guy says. "It's made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean."
I always skip the gym the first week of the new year
I can't deal with the crowds.
I also skip weeks 2 - 52 of the new year but still looking for an excuse for those.
Mariah Carey'a New Year's performance.
That's it...
It's almost 2018!
My New Year's revolution is to proofread more.
What's your New Years resolution?
Mine is 3120x1440. I got a new phone.
What do you do when you come across Santa on New Years Eve?
You wipe it off and apologize.
What do Alcoholics call New Year's Eve?
Amateur night!
A guy goes to a New Year's Day party. There are hundreds of people, holiday music is playing.
A few groups of people are playing cards. Others are shooting billiards. Yet another group is sitting around a warm fire telling stories. Everyone seems to be having a wonderful time. Realizing he is hungry, the man gets in a large queue and starts chatting with an old friend. After many minutes go by, he realizes he is not in the food line at all. He asks his friend about if this is the right line. Oh, no, the friend said...
This is the punchline.
The local nudist colony has an New Years introductory offer
New members take 50% off
Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg
That way you will start off the new year on the right foot
New Year, Old Me
Got a fitness tracker for Christmas and it's been on my wrist ever since. I haven't done any running yet, but I've m**... 5 miles.
New Year 2021 calendar
I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see the trailer.
My New Year resolution is the same as last year..
3840x2160
I've given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I've eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.
And it works. I already have three people following me… two police officers and a psychiatrist.
I've been feeling really dizzy since yesterday
I think I need to stop these New Year revolutions.
My wife and I are hosting a get together tonight that ends at 11:30..
We're calling it a before New Year's leave party.
My New Year's resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall.
And I plan on sticking to it.
My friend Jack …
… woke up on January 1st 2021, glanced over at his wife Edna and was suprised to see that she looked weirdly pixelated.
Oh my god! he yelped with a look of confusion and growing concern on his face, What happened last night?!
Seeing his expression, Edna reached over to give him a hug saying, Oh don't worry honey, this is just my New Year's resolution!
Hello, Im here to subscribe to the gym
+Hello, I'm here to subscribe to the gym
-Are you here because of a New Year Resolution?
+Yes
-We have a one day plan, it includes 4 selfies in the weight lifting area
+Perfect
My new years resolution is to lose my virginity
I think its time after 85 years
Next January I will only be watching videos on 1080p
It's my new years resolution
If you're worried about not getting a New Year's Eve kiss this year, just remember
Valentine's Day is coming up and you're probably going to be alone for that, too.
My New Years Resolution
New Year's resolution- Date more models.
Revised- Date more.
Revised again- Get a date.
Revised one last time- Stop crying while m**....
