new year Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious new year puns

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

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Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was.

She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.

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I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

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My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I'm not impressed.

I've had a Canon printer for years.

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Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

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My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

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Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year resolutions were.

She said ยซFuck youยป. So im pretty excited for 2018

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This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

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My boss was honest with me today.

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

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My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

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"If you win the lottery,

the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.







"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.







"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.







"My point exactly."

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My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln

As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."

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I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018

It's my new year's resolution.

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One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed EEEEEEEEEE! , lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied: Im sorry it's not your fault; I used to be funeral driver for 25 years.

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My 16 year old daughter introduced her boyfriend

My 16 year old daughter came home today and said:

"Dad, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend Mike."

"Are you kidding me?!" I said, "What the fuck are you doing with this ugly loser? Don't scrape the barrel, you can do much better than this!"

"Dad!!" my daughter screamed, "Mike is lovely!"

"I know." I replied "I was talking to him."

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Today i asked this hot girl at my gym what her new years resolution was...

She said "fuck you" so I'm pretty excited about 2018

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The average person has sex 90 times a year.

Man this going to be an epic new years eve!

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2 original jokes

Here's 2 (bad) jokes I made up a few years ago. With all the reposts on here some new ones might be nice even if they are bad!

1. What do you call a long snake-like poo? A Poothon

2. A family of poothons were floating down a river.

The son poothon asks his mother "dad told me that we're just a by-product of the human digestive system, is that true?"

The mother replies "don't listen to him, he's just talking shit!"

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Today I asked a hot girl at work what her New Year's resolution was...

She said: "fuck you". So I'm pretty excited about 2018.

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As a 12 year old, online dating is a tough thing

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

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My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I
couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.


"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."

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Bag Boy

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.The manager says no. The bagger says, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager answers, "I'm sorry, son, but baggers can't be juicers."

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Two tugboat captains have been friends for years.

They would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of ... an aye for an aye?"

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Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas.

Making my new years resolution 3840 x 2160.

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Sex & Superheroes

It's annual superheroes new year's party. Batman and Spiderman are chatting.

All of a sudden the Hulk rushes in all red and perplexed.

"Whats up?" asked Batman.

"Well I was upstairs looking for the toilet and I passed the bedroom and saw Wonder Women naked on the bed and moaning and groaning. I started feeling randy and thought what the hell and jumped on top of her!"

"Was she surprised?" asked Spiderman.

"Yes but not as surprised as The Invisible Man!"

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I just purchased a new iPhone 7 Plus, and my son dropped it, So i'm giving it away.

He's 8 years old, tall and quite thin. Good with pets.

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My mother and father separated last year

My mother and father separated last year and my father recently started seeing someone and it's been very hard for me. There are two major issues I have with his new partner.

He's black.

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My boss pulled up to work today in a brand new Porsche

As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, meet deadlines, and put in more hours, I'll have an even better one next year."

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I need to buy a 4k TV, no matter what.

It's my new year resolution.

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Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people.

So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution.


Happy new year!

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My New Year's Resolution is to lose 10 pounds

Only 13 more to go

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I'd been looking for an opportunity to impress my new boss, so I jumped at the chance when he asked if I'd had a good weekend.

"It was very productive," I said. "I taught our Bobby how to ride a bike."

"That's great," he smiled. "How old is he?"

"Ten years old," I replied.

"Oh, well that's not actually impressive at all," he sneered, walking off.

Fucker. They must have smarter dogs where he comes from.

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Im so poor...

That my new years resolution is 144p

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I achieved my New Year's revolution from last year.

I made it all the way around the sun.

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The amount of new jokes on this sub is ridiculous today.

Just wait 4 years and they will all be reposted.

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What are the most funny New Year jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about New Year? Well, here are the best New Year dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and New Year pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes