New Teacher Jokes
97 new teacher jokes and hilarious new teacher puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new teacher that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest New Teacher Short Jokes
Short new teacher jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new teacher humour may include short student teacher jokes also.
- I bumped into my old English teacher that I fancied. "What's new?" she asked.
I said, "An adjective." - Best math teacher ever! Mr. Johnson never makes us do any work, so all 25 of us are pitching in $6.17 to get him that cool new $50,000 corvette he wants. Thanks Mr. Johnson!
- I've been learning to use a new web browser lately, but my teacher is being really harsh to me. He's my Tor-mentor.
- Did you hear about the fencing teacher's new, though unoriginal lesson? The riposte, he called it.
- Joke of The Day A new Student came to the class. After telling the rest of the Children his name, the teacher asked, "what does your Father do"?
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Student :" Whatever Mom Says" - I was taking a test today for school when the teacher told us that the test would close if we opened a new tab. Thank goodness I opened a new computer up instead.
- My Sunday School teacher is so old... .. when the New Testament came out she said "I don't care for the new curriculum."
- A teacher asked the students a question about bombs, which left them stumped... So, the teacher asked a new clear question.
- Trying out new Arm-the-Teachers laws, a Texas teacher recently shot a student in the eye. In the teacher's defense, it was a bad pupil.
- If you have 12 chocolates and you give Maths teacher: "If you have 12 chocolates and you give
5 to Priya,
3 to Sonia and
2 to Penny then what will you get?"
"3 new Girlfriends!"
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New Teacher One Liners
Which new teacher one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new teacher? I can suggest the ones about new hire and school teacher.
- Did you hear the one about the new chemistry teacher? He's getting mixed reactions
- I caught up with my old English teacher. "What's new?" he asked.
I said, "An adjective." - My physics teacher said hello the other day and asked what's new? Entropy, I said.
- Seems like ISIS has a new driving teacher Spongebob
- What did the Japanese teacher ask his new student? Kanji read it.
- Huey Lewis and the Algebra Teachers have released a new single. It's hip to (b*b).
- I kept staring at my new teacher's pants My friend told me he is really hard
- A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
- Theres a new gay teacher at my school His names Mr.Dixon
- Our new English Language teacher, Miss Pelling Taught us about irony today
- Are you the new English teacher? Yes I are.
- What happened when the child m**... lost his job? Classroom 3-A got a new teacher.
Unearthly Funniest New Teacher Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about new teacher you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kids teacher jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new teacher pranks.
Maths teacher: "If you have 12 chocolates and you give
5 to Priya,
3 to Sonia and
2 to Penny then what will you get?"
"3 new Girlfriends!"
Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour?
Pupil: Because it can’t sit down!
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Pupil: That’s not fair!
You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!
"Well, children," said the cannibal cooking teacher.
"What did you make of the new English teacher?"
"Burgers, ma'am."
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
Contagious
Little Jimmy was in school the next day and his teacher told the class they were going to focus on a new word for the day: "Contagious".
The teacher gave the class ten minutes to come up with a sentence containing the word of the day. When time was up, she asked them each to come up and read out their sentence.
Little Jenny said: "Last year I had the chicken pox, I couldn't play with my friends because it was very contagious".
Well done Jenny" said the teacher, "Very good".
Little Brian got up and said: "My brother Liam had nits in his hair, he couldn't go to school as it was so contagious!"
"That's perfect Brian" says the teacher.
Up steps Little Jimmy and says "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush. My dad says its gonna take the contagious
The professors of an engineering school are invited to fly on a new plane
When they arrive, they are told that the plane was built by their students. After hearing this, almost all the teachers run away and leave the plane, except for one.
When is asked "why did you stay in the plane?" He says "i know my students and i am pretty confident that this thing won't even turn on"
No problems
A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.
For all you band geeks out there.
One day, God decided to descend from heaven to talk to his children. He was walking down the streets of New York when he finds a man crying on the curb. God asks, 'My son, what is wrong?' The man answers, 'I've been blind since birth and have never been able to see the sunrise.' So God touches him and he is healed. In Nashville, God finds another man crying on a park bench. 'My son, what is troubling you?' 'I've been crippled since birth and have never been able to run.' So God reaches out, touches him, and the man embraces him and runs off. While walking through Orlando, God finds another man crying. He asks, 'My son, why are you crying?' 'My Lord... I am a band teacher...' So God sits down next to him and cries.
The principal of a school stops by a teacher's room...
and tells her, "I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, you're going to have three new students today, from out in the country."
The teacher prepares three new desks, and waits all morning, but no new students show up. That is, until one boy in a pair of overalls runs in at about 10:00 a.m. and says, "Sorry Miss Teacher, ma'am. I was on the top of Blueberry Hill till just now, and then I see the time and come a-runnin!"
The teacher excuses his tardiness. At 11:00 a.m, another boy in overalls runs into the room and says, "Sorry ma'am, I was on Blueberry Hill, then I see the time and come a-runnin!"
The teacher excuses his tardiness. At noon, a girl in overalls comes running into the room. The teacher says, "Hello, am I to assume that you were on Blueberry Hill as well?" The girl replies, "No ma'am, I AM Blueberry Hill."
For weeks, Tommy was telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister who was going to be coming to his house soon.
One day at home, Tommy's mother let him feel the baby k**.... Tommy didn't say anything, and he stopped talking about the baby at school. Finally the teacher sat Tommy down and said, "Whatever happened to your new baby sister?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think my mummy ate her!"
Little Johnny
Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development. At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.
Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom."
Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day...
Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."
Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk." Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"
Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home."
Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie! At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home."
Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."
All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave. Little Johnny says, "Hey, relax girls... it hasn't opened yet!"
Little Johnny
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're s**..., stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're s**..., Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Civics teacher dropped this on us today.
Have you heard about the new Nasa program? They're fixing up one of their shuttles and sending some cows into space to study. It'll be the herd shot around the world!
Ms. Teacher is experimenting new ways to make kids learn..
She asks children questions from the book chapter by chapter. And if the children answer the questions from the 1^st chapter, she will kiss them on one cheek. If they answer the second chapter too, she would kiss them on both cheek. Most kids got stuck on the second chapter and some went to the third chapter and Ms. Teacher kissed them on both cheeks and the lips. Then came little Johnny's turn.
Johnny: (smirking) You better have your table cleared.
Ms. : Why?
Johnny : I know the whole book, even the acknowledgements.
My teach her left because it was almost time to deliver her baby.
Our new teacher is miss carriage
Three children named Petal, Leaf and Fridge were about to have their first day of school...
When the three met the teacher of their new class, the teacher read the new student list and asked which one was petal. When petal put her hand up, the teacher asked, "What inspired your parents to give you such a beautiful name?". Petal explained that ," When I was 3 months old, a petal dropped on my head!". The teacher smiled and asked leaf where his name came from. Leaf said, " When I was 2 months old, a leaf came off a tree and landed on my stomach!" The teacher gave a cheery smile to Leaf too. Then she asked Fridge, "and umm... why did your parents call you Fridge dear? Fridge says "DUHHHHHHH!"
Third grade teacher to her class: "Who can use the word 'beautiful' twice in the same sentence?"
Suzy raises her hand and says: "The girl has a beautiful new dress and she looks beautiful in it."
Teacher: "Very good Suzy. Okay, Billy."
Billy: "When my sister told our father that she was pregnant, he said "Beautiful, just beautiful."
A third grade teacher addresses her class
..."alright class" she says, "before I let you go for spring break I want to remind you that I'm getting married this weekend and I'm no longer going to be Ms. Stevens I'm going to be Mrs. Prussy"
She writes M R S. P R U S S Y in big cursive letters on the blackboard and says "whomever remembers my new name when we come back from break gets a gold star for the day"
The ten days comes and goes and she's standing in front of her class early Monday morning and says"good morning class, I hope you all remembered that I got married over the break and my name isn't Ms. Stevens any more it's Mrs" And she writes M R S on the blackboard, turns around to a sea of blank faces.
Then one hand shoots up in the back
"oh! oh! Mrs. Crunt"
A teacher starts working at a new school
A teacher starts working at a new school. He soon finds out that one of the kids is always being bullied and picked on. Everyone calls this kid "Manny the Fool". During one of the breaks he asks some of the students how Manny earned his nickname. The kids laugh and offer a demonstration. They call Manny over and offer him two coins - a quarter and a silver dollar. Without thinking Manny picks the quarter and runs away. The kids all laugh at this and go back to their lessons.
Bewildered, the teacher calls "Manny the Fool" over and asks him, "Manny, why did you take the quarter? Don't you know that the silver dollar is worth more?"
"Yeah," says Manny, "but if I take the silver dollar, they will stop giving me money."
I'm a teacher...
Today I had a new student in my class.
I asked him his name, and he said his name was Ben, and that he has just moved from Germany.
So I asked him how old he was, and he said "9!" So I slapped him. I will not tolerate insolence in my classroom.
The Climate of New Zealand
Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?
Matthew: Very Cold, sir.
Teacher: Wrong.
Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!
There's a s**... new teacher at school
In grammar class, she asks who can say a sentence including an expression of politeness. Naughty Johnny raises his hand.
'I would be most delighted to make out with you Miss Campbell... and bang you, too!'
Miss Campbell blushes and yells:
'Out!'
Naughty Johnny gets his things and walks towards the door, when suddenly Miss Campbell says:
'Not you... the others!'
We didn't know what to expect when we were told we had a new algebra teacher...
he really was an unknown quantity.
o**... Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...
He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"
"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."
"Why, what did you answer?"
"The Empire State Building."
"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."
Just one word
With the new school year, teachers hand out those "we'd like to know more about you" forms for the students to fill out. One of the questions was "Use one word to describe yourself". My son's answer:
"Can't follow directions"
A man in need of a brain
A man was dying in the hospital and he needed a new brain or he wouldn't survive for long, the doctor told him there were 3 available brains but each with a price.
The first one was an professor's brain that costs 3000 dollar
The second brain was a teachers brain that costs 2500 dollar
The third brain was the brain of a blonde woman that costs a good 9000 dollar
The man asks why the blondes brain is so expensive
The doctor replies: because it's never used
A joke I remember.
Teacher: What is your name?
New student: Spider-man.
Teacher: No, I mean your real name.
New student: Oh, I'm sorry….it's Peter Parker.
Blowing Bubbles
A teacher asked two of her students a girl, and a boy, what they did during recess.
Girl: I was blowing Bubbles!
Boy: I was blowing Bubbles too!
The teacher then noticed another boy walking into her class from recess she did not recognize. She asked, "You must be new, What's your name?"
The boy replied with a smile: My name is Bubbles!
My teacher said that before we start our new book, "it's best we say the N word a couple times out loud, just get it out of our system".
I've seen this help students reading old material and I could definitely see why some English teachers do this, but I had no idea why my Calculus teacher was having us try it out.
A 3rd grade class is coming back from recess...
When they get into the classroom, teacher says:
'Alright, we have a new student today, so we'll start this class nice and easy with a small discussion - what did you do during recess?'
The new student looked very nervous, so the teacher decided to start with someone else.
'How about you start us off Tim.'
'I was blowing bubbles' said Tim.
'Very nice!' said the teacher. j**..., how about you?'
'I was also blowing bubbles' said j**....
'Oh, nice!' said the teacher. 'Now, how about our new student-- oh I'm sorry, I believe I've forgotten your name. Would you remind me?'
'My name is Chris' he says, 'But for some reason, everyone keeps calling me Bubbles.'
A teacher, a nurse, and an Army man were in a hot air balloon.
The balloon was too heavy so each of them dropped something off it. The teacher dropped an apple, the nurse dropped her medical bag, and the Army man drops a grenade. After they land, they go for a walk. They come across a little girl who's crying. They ask her what's wrong and she says an apple fell out of the sky and knocked out her new puppy. Later they come across a little boy who is also crying. They ask him what's wrong and he says a bag fell from the sky and knocked out his new kitten. Then they come across a little girl who's laughing really hard. They ask her what's so funny and she says "I f**... and the building behind me blew up!"
A Bass Teacher is excited about getting a new, young student.
The kid is comes in for his first lesson and learns all the notes on the E string.
Next week he comes in and the instructor shows him all of the notes on the A string.
The third week comes, the teacher is waiting, but the kid never shows up. Annoyed, he calls him to see where he is.
The kid picks up and says,
"Oh, sorry man, I got a gig..."
I felt a great disturbance in the force today:
Millions of parents quietly rejoiced while their children cried out in t**... and were quickly silenced by their new homeroom teachers.
The teacher asks her students to use the word "contagious" in a sentence.
Jenny pipes up instantly; "My mum has the flu, I think it's contagious!".
"Excellent work!", the teacher responds. "Anyone else have an example? What about you Seamus?"
Seamus McDougall, the new Irish exchange student, thinks for a moment.
"M' Pa made me lunch t'day, but it took the contagious!".
o**... bin laden's son came back home from school one day in tears.
o**... asked: "What's wrong?"
His son said: "Our teacher asked me what the tallest building in new york is, and I got it wrong."
o**... replied: "What did you say?"
His son: "The empire state building."
o**...: "Don't worry son, i'll take care of it."
The new elementary school teacher confessed to me that she had severe social anxiety
It's ok, I said. "Just pretend your audience is n**..."
A boy at school
A boy was at school and his teacher asked him to learn 3 new words over the weekend. His father is a pilot and taught him the word "takeoff." His mother is a zoo keeper and taught him the word "zebra." His big sister was going to have a baby and taught him the word "baby." He went to school the next day and his teacher asked, ''What are your three words?'' The boy said, ''Takeoff zebra baby.''
A French teacher asks her new class if any of them know any French.
Young Johnny lets out a parade of F-bombs-
"Whoa! Hey now?! Who told you that was French?" interrupted the teacher.
"My dad. He is always asking people to pardon his French".
An elementary teacher was talking to her class about safety when crossing the street.
"I used to have a little brother, and on his eighth birthday my parents got him a brand new red bike. He was across the street at his grandmas' when dad wheeled it outside. My brother was so excited that he ran across the street without looking, right in front of a car. The car hit him and he died." One of the children raised his hand and asked, "Where's his bike?"
*HAPPY FATHER'S DAY...*
A new teacher Joins school... She finds two boys looking very similar in appearance...
Teacher asks:- " Twins...???"
Boy:- No... *"NEIGHBOURS"*
A new boy has just enrolled at school and the teacher remarked on his unusual name, Aday.
I've never heard that name before, she said
My father thought of it, said the boy.
I was the 10th kid in our family, and when I was born, Dad said: 'For cryin' our loud, let's call it a day!'
Why do teachers always laugh at the new standards for teaching math?
Because the real joke is always in the common core.
Student asks teacher how he feels about the new year starting tomorrow.
Teacher shrugs his shoulders and says, "S'cool."
A new kid walks in.
The teacher calls out on him.
Teacher: Jon!
Kid: I go by my middle name.
Teacher: What's your middle name?
Kid: D
Teacher: So Big D or Little D?
Kid: Missing D.
(True story, for what it's worth) My neighbour has a new Spanish teacher at school, his name is Mr Armada.
Like the Spanish Armada? I asked.
Yeah, he said and I shook my head in disbelief.
Well, I sighed. At least he isn't called Mr Inquisition. Nobody would have expected that.
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're s**..., stand
up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you
think you're s**..., Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!
The new class teacher
Little Johnny goes to school one day and is informed that they have a new class teacher.
A young, charming lady walks in to the class, smiles and says, Good Morning everyone. I am your new class teacher, my name is Miss Prussy.
She looks at the kids startled at her unusual name and says, To remember my name easily just remember the 'R' in it .
Next week Little Johnny walks in to the class late. The new class teacher stops him and says, Johnny, you're late. By the way do you remember my name?
Little Johnny thinks and thinks and then finally says, Ah yes.... Miss Crunt?
I miss my old piano teacher...
My old piano instructor said to me, "You've damaged my piano for the last time! I won't teach you anymore!"
I found a new teacher. But his piano is missing strings, and worst of all, his damper pedal technique is terrible. I miss my old instructor; she knew when to put her foot down.
Translated version
The math teacher was new to the elementary class so he just wanted to know how good are the kids in basic calculation. He picked a random student and started asking questions.
Math teacher : What's 2+2?
The kid opens 2 fingers in both his hands and counts and says "4 sir."
Math teacher : What's 4+3?
The kid opens 4 fingers in one hand and 3 in the other, counts and says "7 sir."
Math teacher wanted the kids to start doing the calculations in mind so he asked the kid to keep his hands inside the pockets of his shorts and answer his next question.
Kid does as the teacher says.
Math teacher : What's 5+5?
The kid opens his fingers in his pocket and starts to count and answers "11 sir".
A girl was studying French, and doing very well at it.
One day, she asked her teacher Do you know anything about Spanish? For I know everything there is to know about French, and I need a new language.
The teacher responded What a sudden change! And why would you possibly ask me, your French teacher? This was completely unexpected!
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
A new teacher trying to get to know his students.
He asked one of them "what do you do after school"
Student 1: I go home, watch TV then go to Frank the w**... guy"
Teacher felt awkward and decided to ask another student.
Student 2 "me, I play football then go to Frank the w**... guy"
Teacher was really disappointed but didn't want to stop there so he asked another student.
Student 3 said " I go the church, do my homework and then help some people"
Teacher felt really happy and appreciative of the student asking for his name.
Student 3 " I am Frank the w**... guy"
A little girl has her first day at a new school...
Her teacher asks her what her name is and the girl replies "It's Happy b**...." The teacher says in disbelief "That's not your name. Go see the principal."
She walks into the principal's office and the secretary asks for her name and the girl replies "It's Happy b**...." The secretary says in disbelief "That's not your name. Sit in that chair in front of the principal's office and wait for her to call you in."
The principal calls her in and asks for her name and the girl replies "It's Happy b**...." The principal finds her transfer file and says "Your record here says your name is Gladys."
The girls replies "Glad a**......Happy b**......whatever."
Two boys walk late into class
Their pants were wet up to their knees.
The teacher asks, "Where have you been."
One of the boys says to the teacher, "We were throwing pebbles in the lake."
The teacher, feeling generous told the boys to sit down at their desks and tells the class there will be a new student joining them today, and starts the lesson
Ten minutes later a girl walks into class, soaking wet from head to toe.
The teacher asks, "You must be the new student, what's your name dear?"
The girl responds, "I'm Pebbles."
A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. You'll like it here, he tells her. Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a m**....
Do you know who I am? the girl asks her new classmate. I'm the daughter of the principal.
The boy is silent and then asks her, Do you know who I am?
She shakes her head no. Good, says the boy as he walks away.
s**...
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're s**..., stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're s**..., Johnny?" Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
The local community was being to believe the new teacher was grooming their kids
They were p**... to find all baby goats in town with a perm and a fresh trim.
Little girls first day at new school.The teacher asks her name.
The girl replies, "Happy b**...." The teacher is a little annoyed and asks again. The girl answers, "Happy b**...." The teacher wants to set an example on the first day and sends the girl to the principal's office.
The principle looks at the girl's file and says, "Why didn't you give your correct name? It says here your name is Gladys."
The girls says, "Glad a**..., happy b**...- what's the difference?"
Imagine my delight yesterday when my 6yr old told me her new teacher's name is Mrs Watt.
Cue about 10mins of me asking "What's her name?"
And her saying "Mrs Watt"
"I don't know, you tell me, what's her name?"
"Mrs Watt"
"What?"
"Yes"
"What's her name?"
"Mrs Watt"
...
...
...
I made up a new word today...
"Plagiarism"
Side note: my son was assigned in class to make up a new word, definition, etc. He turned in "Plagiarism", teacher gave him a smile and full credit.
Also, this joke is totally original and not stolen without attribution.
t**...
At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
