New Shoes Jokes
97 new shoes jokes and hilarious new shoes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new shoes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest New Shoes Short Jokes
Short new shoes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new shoes humour may include short shoes jokes also.
- So my drug dealer got me these new shoes.. And I don't know what he laced them with.. But I've been tripping all day
- A blonde went to buy new shoes The shopkeeper told her the new shoes may feel a bit uncomfortable in the first couple of days.
She said : Alright I'll start wearing them on the third day. - I just got my new pair of orthopenic shoes. "Actually, it's *orthopedic*", my doctor said.
"I stand corrected", I replied. - Would you rather feel the pain of your toes bring crushed in an instant, or spread out over a few years? In other words, here are your brand new safety shoes.
- I really hope the new 'It' movie is as good as the original.. Because those are some big shoes to fill.
- The New Men's Birth Control Pill It's about the size of a marble.
You put it into your shoe.
It makes you limp. - Have you guys heard about this new birth control method? It's a rock. You put it in your shoe, it makes you limp.
- Please drop your best one-liner dad jokes below, I need new ones. By one-liner I mean something along the lines of let's make like an Autobot and roll out or put an egg in your shoe and beat it
- Have you heard about the new male contraceptive pill? You put it in your shoe, and it makes you limp.
- My wife just came home with 12 new dresses. "What could anyone want with 12 new dresses?!?" I asked her.
She replied
"12 new pairs of shoes, of course."
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New Shoes One Liners
Which new shoes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new shoes? I can suggest the ones about new clothes and sneakers.
- Did you hear about the new toll for tying shoes? It's knot fare
- It's allergy season. If my nose keeps running, I'm going to have to buy it new shoes.
- There's a new form of birth control that you put in your shoe... It makes you limp.
- What did Aquaman say to Mera when she got new shoes Water those
- What did the cool new shoes say to the pants? What up britches?!
(sorry) - What's an auditor's favorite brand of shoe? New Balance
- Why was the father centipede annoyed? Because all of his children needed new shoes.
- Why did the new pc owner leave a shoe in his harddrive He was told he needed a boot drive
- There's a new German brand of shoes called Hans off the vall.
- Chuck Norris got a new pair of shoes Roundhouse kicks
- I asked my pet pigeon what he thought of my new shoes he said it was coo
- I sold my soul the other day I had to buy new shoes
- What did Mark Zuckerberg do when he needed new shoes? Reboot.
- What do you get when you get a new shoe? A New Balance
- What do Canadians day even they're getting new shoes? 'Boot time
New Shoes Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about new shoes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean running shoes jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new shoes pranks.
A guy arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find his lover in bed with a young, handsome boy.
Just as he was about to storm out of the house, his lover stopped him with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about:"
"Driving home, I saw this young guy, looking poor and tired, I offered him a ride.
He was hungry, so I brought him home and fed him some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
His shoes were worn out so I gave him a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.
He was cold so I gave him that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.
His trousers were worn out so I gave him a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then as he was about to leave the house, he paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your lover doesn't use anymore?'
"And so, here we are!"
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you t**... clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The n**... girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm n**... and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her p**..., the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"
"And so, here we are!"
How delicious is the new Popeye's chicken sandwich?
It's so good I just came in my pants... didn't even want to waste time putting on a shirt or shoes.
Fannie Green
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had s**... with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s**... with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's"
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies ..."No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".
So this guy buys a centipede from the pet store...
he takes it home and sets it up in its aquarium, and lets it get settled in for a while. After a few hours the guy gets bored and goes up to the centipede and asks, "hey, centipede, you wanna go out and get a drink? check out the ladies? you know, just hang out?" But the centipede doesn't say anything. The guy thinks, "it must be getting used to its new environment or whatever," and he goes to bed.
The next day after work, the guy's watching TV and he gets bored, so he goes up to the centipede again and taps on the aquarium glass, and says "HEY, centipede, you wanna go out, get a drink, maybe check out the ladies? Just hang out or whatever?" and the centipede doesn't say anything. The guys thinks, "that's weird, i wonder if it's sick or something. i'm not sure how centipedes are supposed to act i guess." and he shrugs it off and goes to bed.
The third day, after work, the guy gets bored watching TV and goes to the centipede again, this time getting a little exasperated. "HEY! CENTIPEDE! Do you wanna go out and get a DRINK, check out the LADIES or something?" and the centipede yells back, "I heard you the first time man, I'm getting my shoes on!"
Two Dollies
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.
One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."
What's the best way to break in a new pair of shoes?
Moonwalking
Shoe Crack!
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchased them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red p**... tonight?"
Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Luigi , I do wear red p**... tonight, but how do you know?"
Luigi answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa , do you wear white p**... tonight?"
Rosa answers, "Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?"
He replies, "I see the reflection in my new$300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?"
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no p**... tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!" Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Luigi , I wear no p**... tonight..."
Luigi gasps, "Thanka Goda ....I thought I had a CRACK in my$300 Armani leather shoes...!"
So this r**... in New York is getting mugged...
and he fights like a wildcat, but eventually the three toughs overcome him. Two hold him down while the third grabs his wallet and opens it.
"Ten dollars??!!? You fought like a madman for *15 minutes* for a lousy ten bucks?"
"Oh no!" replied the r**.... "I thought you were going after the $500 in my shoe!"
new shoes, new outlook on life.
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.
Don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all week.
[nerdy] A new shoe slogan
"Be happy, and you will buy Converse!"
A man buys a talking centipede for a pet...
When he gets home, he puts down his new pet's box, and lets him get adjusted. After a while, the man gets hungry, and starts getting ready to go out to dinner. Before he walks out the door, he remembers the centipede and asks him if he would like to come with him. After waiting a few minutes, he had received no response. He then gently knocked on the box and asked him once more. After waiting again, no response. Finally, he banged on the box several times, yelled if he would like to join him for dinner, and put his ear up to the box. He was at last greeted with a tiny voice saying, "I heard you the first time, I was just putting my shoes on."
Have you heard of the new birth control for men?
put a rock in your shoe and it will make you limp
Why husbands avoid questions!!
Why husbands avoid questions.......!
WIFE : What would you do if i died ? Would you get married
again ?
Husband : No....
Wife : Why not ? Don't you like being married ?
Husband : Of course i do.
Wife : Then why wouldn't you remarry ?
Husband : Ok, ok, i'd get married again....
Wife : Would you live in our house with your new Wife....?
Husband : Yes, it's a great house.
Wife : Would you let her drive my car ?
Husband: Yes, its almost new, dear.
Wife : Would you give her my jewelry ?
Husband : No.. I am sure she would want her own..
Wife : Would she wear my shoes..?
Husband : No, her size is '6'
Wife : --silence--
Husband : 'shiiit'...!!
I had to get new tennis shoes this weekend
my old ones were pretty run down
I bought a new pair of shoes the other day
I don't know what they laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Dining at the Mall.....
I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.
My Dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response.
I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
"Got s**... once and s**... a Peacock. I was just wondering
if you were my daughter"
A homeless man...
A homeless man was walking down the street. His shoes were so worn out that the soles would flop around when he walked. One day, he was walking down the street when a man in a brand new Maserati and an expensive Italian suit pulled over by him. The man asked for the homeless man to come to him. He pulled out a think w**... of $100 bills, and held it out to the homeless man. The homeless man was shocked. The man pulled off the rubber band from the w**..., and handed the band to the homeless man and said "Y'know, you could use this to keep your shoes from flopping around everywhere like that."
After the American Revolution, Thomas Paine celebrates by purchasing a new pair of shoes.
He declares that these are the times to try men's soles.
A dad goes to the mall
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once, and had s**... with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
If you were a shoe-maker that came out with a new design called "The Gock"
Would you be called "The Gock Cobbler"?
-Just thought of this today, I can't be the first.
A new type of male birth control has been made that is placed in one shoe of men.
It makes them limp.
What's the best part about getting a puppy?
Getting new shoes every week.
Have you heard of the new running shoes that Apple's producing for the soldiers in middle East?
They're calling it iRan.
Girl comes home with two pair of new shoes
And her boyfriend asked her: Why did you bought two pair of shoes you s**... cow???
She said: Because cow have four legs!
A young blonde, leaving home for a one week visit to New York
A young blonde, leaving home for a one week visit to New York, was told by her mother to put on clean socks every day. By the end of the week she couldn't get her shoes on.
Guy walks into the bar with his new boots.
One of the residents notices his shoes and comments on them.
The guy replies: 'yep, they are genuine Crocodile leather'.
He pulls his gun out of his holster and says, 'I have killed the croc myself with this gun'.
The resident is in awe and asks if he can get boots like that. 'Of course' says the guy, 'here, you can even use my gun'. He hands him the gun and the resident flies out to Australia.
A week later the guy returns with the man's gun but no boots. 'What happened', asks the gun owner, 'didn't you see any crocodiles?'
'Yeah, I must have killed about twenty', says the guy, 'but none of them were wearing such lovely boots.'
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...
I don't know what they were laced with but I've been tripping all day
heard from the mailman who comes in to my shop with a new joke every day. He's making the world a better place one joke at a time
I just don't know about this actor they have playing Pennywise in the new IT movie...
He's got some big shoes to fill.
Dad how are babies made?
Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mums tummy.
Daughter: Does mummy s**... the seed?
Dad: Only if she wants new shoes
The blacksmith hires an apprentice
He instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith
I was working at the shoe store
When a teenage girl came into the store, looking for new shoes. I saw that she was struggling to fit into some of the traditionally sized shoes, so I showed her special shoes for wide set feet. She began to cry and thought that I was calling her fat. I told her, "I'm not calling you fat, but if the shoe fits, wear it."
An old shoe is down on his luck
An old shoe is down on his luck, he is desperate to turn his life around and has tried everything but nothing has worked yet. The shoe goes into a bar to have a drink and think about where he went wrong. A man approaches him and buys him a beer, he then reveals himself to be the Satan himself. He tells the shoe he can have anything in the world but he must pay a price. The shoe asks what the price would be for a new chance on life, a fresh start where he can fix all of his mistakes he made as a young sneaker. The devil nods and thinks to himself and then replies, "I'll give you a new lace on life in exchange for your sole"
Guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks
for a beer something to snack on. Bartender serves him + a bowl of peanuts. The guy takes a handful to his mouth and faintly hears, "hey great shoes pal". Confused, he ignores the voice. The guy grabs another handful and once again he hears faintly "you have the kindest eyes". The guy looks around, asks a few people, no one knows what he's talking about. He brushes it off, finishes his beer, and grabs one last handful of peanuts. One last time he hears "is that a new haircut? looks great" Fed up, the man pays his bill. $5 the bartender says, for the beer.
The man says, "what about the peanuts??"
Bartender says, "oh those? those peanuts are complimentary"
j**... saw his ex with a new boyfriend
So he walks up to them and says Old Shoe, new owner
His ex replies Only 2 inches are old, rest are brand new
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice
His new apprentice was willing to work long, hard hours.
One day he instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith.
New shoes in Soviet Russia
Comrades Evgeny and Aleksander are old-time friends. One day Evgeny meets Aleksander in the street and tells him excitedly that a new batch of shoes has become available to purchase as part of the current five-year plan, in Minsk! He knows Aleksander badly needs new shoes, his only pair are worn from two decades of use.
However Aleksander gets very angry -- "Zhenya, why are you telling me this? We live in Moscow, Minsk is more than 700 km away, it would take a whole day to drive there and we can't even afford the gas!"
"Ahah! Sasha, we don't have to drive there, the line starts just around the corner!"
There's a new pediatric podiatrist in town.
I think he'll learn quickly, he doesn't have very big shoes to fill.
How do you know it's time for a new pair of shoes?
The homeless guy gives you back change for your dollar
A Newfie walking around
A newfie is walking around with his new pair of shoes but only one is tied. He trips and a guy goes to him and says you need to tie your other shoe the Newfie respond with it's fine I know what I'm doing .
After walking for a bit longer the Newfie trips again, the same guy says you really should tie your other shoe the Confused Newfie says but I read the bottom of the shoe and it says Taiwan
Christmas Break
There are 2 boys. Timmy and Bill. They just got back from Christmas break. The first boy, Timmy, says to Bill, I had the best Christmas ever! I got a new bike, new shoes, and an Xbox with all my favorite games on it. What'd you get Bill? He says, I only got a sweater. The first boy asks, Why? Bill answers, Its because I don't have cancer, Timothy.
I bought a new pair of running shoes.
I can hardly catch up to them!
Whenever I race them, I never lose, but I never win either.
I always tie my shoes.
stolen joke lol
"For Sale: baby shoes, never worn" is so sad. I can't believe the baby didn't like his new shoes.
stole this from twitter by the way
Apple and Nike collaboration
Apparently apple and Nike are doing a trainer collab.
New shoes will be called Nike Air Macs.
The saudi king was walking in the streets, dressed as a commoner to check up on his subjects
He found a destitute man, whose toes were coming out of his shoes.
The king was surprised by what he saw, and walked to the man and asked ''why are your toes coming out of your shoes?''
The man replied '' my feet have out grown my shoes, and i don't have any money to buy a new pair.''
The king's eyes teard up, till his beard became soaking wet
And he quickly ran his bone saw and cut the man toes, and told him now they fit the shoes.
There is a new male contraceptive device. It's a pill,
you put it in your shoe, it makes you limp.
A kid asks his dad for alligator shoes for Christmas
The man being poor cannot afford them,so he goes out to find an alligator,he looked at some swamps and lakes for hours with no luck,on his way home that night worrying how his son will so disappointed on Christmas morning,halfway home he sees an alligator walking across the road,he runs out of his truck chasing the alligator,after about half a mile he catches the alligator turns it over on its back and...
Sees it has no shoes,he picked a poor alligator
(Credit to Captain Ron in New Orleans at a swamp tour place)
Ruined a brand new pair of shoes.
It's raining cats and dogs out and I stepped in a poodle.
When I was a kid, you could go in a store with 10 dollars and get out with a new ball, 4 milk j**..., a shirt and a pair of shoes.
Nowadays you can't. There are security cameras everywhere.
A 10 year old protestant boy and a 10 year old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.
The girl says, "my mom will be really angry if my shoes get wet"
And so they both agree to remove their shoes prior to entering the water.
They wade into the water and it starts getting deeper. The boy "says well my mom will hate me if I ruin my new pants"
And so they remove their pants.
Once they ensure that every item of cloths is out of harms way... they take a good look at each other.
"Strange", the girl says, "I didn't think protestants and catholics were THAT different!"
A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes...
but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.
She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.
She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.
Oh, no! the blonde shouted in dismay.
This one isn't wearing any shoes either!
A man is working in the shoe factory
A man is working in the shoe factory, talking with his supervisor from across the line. As he works on the incomplete shoe, he strikes up a conversation with his boss. "Anything new in your world Bob?" he asks. "Yeah, actually! I just finished my degree and am starting a 2nd job as a therapist!", he responds. The man, moving on to the bottom of the shoe is shocked. "Wow, that's great! You know, I've actually been having trouble getting over Jess-" he starts, before Bob interrupts "Let it go man. It's time to heel".
A girl has to get her picture taken for school.
She has her mom buy her some new clothes so she'll look nice. At one point she asks for new shoes. Her mom says "nobody will be able to see your shoes in the picture". The girl points at the notice and says "it says RIGHT HERE that they will be photographing the entire student body!"
Took my dad shopping for some new shoes
He's 86 and found it quite tiring so we stopped for a coffee and a sandwich. While sitting there some teenagers sat at the table next to us.
One of them had a Mohican hairdo that was dyed all the colours of the rainbow and my dad wouldn't stop staring at him.
Eventually the boy got fed up of this and asked my dad sarcastically 'what is your problem old man haven't you ever done anything wild just for fun'
My dad, without missing a beat, replied
'I got drunk once in my 20's and had s**... with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son'
A guy walks into a bar
"Well, today is my lucky day. Walking over here I found a brand new pair of Yeezy shoes nailed to a tree with a note that said "Free" next to it. So I took it," the guy tells the bartender. "You never know when you might need a nail."
I just bought a new pair of shoes.
I don't know what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day!