New Recruit Jokes
41 new recruit jokes and hilarious new recruit puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new recruit that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest New Recruit Short Jokes
Short new recruit jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new recruit humour may include short new hire jokes also.
- A sergeant at a training camp calls one of the new recruits to his office... "I didn't see you at camouflage training today!"
"Thank you so much, sir!" - Police Chief to new recruit. Police Chief: As a recruit, youll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup! - There's a gang in my area... There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join. But enough about the church...
- The Night's Watch can ramp up the number of new recruits by... ...ditching its archaic name in favour of something hip like Snow Patrol.
- Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues.
What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup! - Why did the Sergeant of the new army recruits, regret buying his own leg insurance? Because it doesn't cover damage to the private's parts.
- A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine... Everything goes well and the day is uneventful.
- A s**... bomber training his new recruits: "Okay, pay attention, I'm only going to show you this once"
- A s**... bomber is teaching some new recruits... He said, "Watch this demonstration carefully. I'm only going to do this once."
- A s**... b**... instructor addresses a group of new recruits. "All right lads pay attention cos I'm only gonna show you this once"
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New Recruit One Liners
Which new recruit one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new recruit? I can suggest the ones about new staff and new kid.
- what do PETAs call new recruits? fresh meat
- How does the Catholic church recruit new members? They get 'em while they're young.
- What did Admiral Ackbar say about the new trans recruit? It's the line he's famous for.
- The ISIS have recruited a new rapper... They're calling him the real Islam shady!
- What did the gay drill sergeant say to the new recruit? *DROP AND GIVE ME HEAD!*
- AL-Qaeda hires a new aspiring recruit they knew someday he is going to blow up.
- An ISIS t**... is instructing his class of new recruits on s**... b**......
New Recruit Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about new recruit you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new teacher jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new recruit pranks.
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper
He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said "Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!"
High command asked a new recruit:
"What do you want to be in the army?"
"Pilot!"
And they sent him to preparatory courses, but they did not like him and told him he would never become a pilot.
So he went to the committee again.
"Where do you want to be in the army?"
"Air defence!"
"Why?"
"If I can't be a pilot, no one else can!"
Network administrator
A network administrator decided to join the military, and as part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range.
After taking a hundred shots and missing every one, the man's DI (drill instructor) came by to see what was wrong.
"What's the matter with you?" he asked. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a network administrator," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."
The recruit checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off.
"Well," the he said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to e**... new recruits to the mess hall.
After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them
"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up!
Eat up!
Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
Captain Blackbeard's new recruits
Three men are new recruits on captain Blackbeard's ship. They each get to ask 1 question before they start work. The first two ask about sleeping arrangements and food, only to have captain Blackbeard yell back at them out of frustration. The third man asks "Why is the steering wheel attached to your pants?"
"Argh, it drives me nuts!"
You hear Pete Carroll is getting recruited for a new job..
Yeah, he is getting offers from the Pope at the Vatican! The Pope said that if he can make 100 million people say "Jesus Christ" at the same time, he needs to work for the Catholic Church
A navy crew aboard a submarine are called by their initials...
A new recruit joins the crew, his name Ben Olivander. His crew-mates consist of Fredrick Udell, Collin Kilmer, Oscar Chase, and Owen Omar Faber.
BO is quickly made fun of by OC, although FU, c**..., and OOF enjoy BO's company as he is funny and kind. Due to this, OC is somewhat outcasted on board and nobody likes him.
The captain later comes in as OC is complaining about his poor treatment.
BO, FU, c**..., and OOF, why are you guys so rude to one of our members!
Why doesn't anyone on this sub like OC!?
Airman Jones was assigned
to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
THE NEW RECRUIT
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best s**... you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best s**... I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."
The CIA was recruiting a new hitman...[Adult]
... and had 3 preferencial candidates, a french guy, a british guy and a portuguese guy.
They all had the same final test, which was to kill their wives with a handgun.
First one was the french. He immediatly refused, saying he could never kill his beloved wife.
Next was the british guy. He paced around inside the room his wife was, but after 10 minutes he handed back the gun, all teary eyed, saying he could not do it.
Last one was the portuguese guy. He went into the room and as soon as the door closed, they heard 3 shots. After that they heard a lot of noise, like cursing, stuff breaking, yelling and after a couple of minutes, complete silence.
The portuguese guy came out, visibly tired and said:
"You guys could have told me the gun had blanks. I had to beat her to death."
Selling war insurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. "
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
A new recruit is sent to an outpost in the Jungle.
A new recruit is sent out in the jungle to a small outpost, where there are only a few other soldiers there, all of them experienced veterans. After a few weeks, the soldier begins to feel a little unsatisfied with his s**... life, so he goes to ask the sergeant what he can do about it. The sergeant says, "Well, every Sunday, we go out into the jungle, find a bunch of female gorillas and have s**... with them."
The recruit is disgusted, and refuses to join the sergeant and the rest of the soldiers on Sunday.
After a few more weeks, the recruit decides to finally join the rest of the soldiers on their trip to the gorillas, just to try it out. When they get there, all of the soldiers rush back in forth in order to grab a gorilla, leaving the recruit with only one.
Suddenly, all of the soldiers start laughing at him. Not quite knowing why, the recruit yells,"Im not the only one having s**... with a Gorilla!"
The sergeant responds, "No, you just got the ugly one".
GI Insurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Military Benefits
Cpl. Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Cpl. Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain decided one day to stand in the back of the room to observe and listen to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the room full of new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government will pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which enlistees do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best s**... you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best s**... I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter’s office.
There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.
“Oh, come on, quit joking,” snickered one.
“You didn’t really do that, did you?”
“You would never get through basic training,” scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked,
“Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”