New Phone Jokes

100 new phone jokes and hilarious new phone puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new phone that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest New Phone Short Jokes

Short new phone jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new phone humour may include short cell phone jokes also.

  1. To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday Can you please stop calling my new phone?
  2. I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist. It's called 'Facebook'
  3. When Samsung asked what customers wanted in their new phone... They misunderstood when they heard "Lighter."
  4. A Malaysian man buys a new phone... He puts it on airplane mode. Now he cant seem to find it anywhere.
  5. I think Samsung has messed up with my new phone's shipment. I had booked a Galaxy Note ''S7'', not C4.
  6. Why did the blonde starve to death? Her new phone came with a little packet in the box that said, "Do not eat."
  7. The next 600 stimulus check is gonna be a new U2 album downloaded on our phones without our consent
  8. Just bought a new phone, it's helping me with weight loss I don't have money to eat anything for 2 months.
  9. A proud new dad sat next to me in the bus today, pulled out his phone, and showed me a picture of his rather ugly baby. I told him, "that's a really nice phone."
  10. I found a new homophone today At first I thought it was a regular phone, but then I saw it had Grindr installed.

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New Phone One Liners

Which new phone one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new phone? I can suggest the ones about mobile phone and smart phone.

  1. Whoever lost their iPhone outside the bar Please stop ringing my new phone.
  2. I got a new cell phone for my wife... Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
  3. I just dropped my brand new phone into my beer... Do you think, I can still drink it?
  4. The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
  5. Did you hear about when Sting got a new mobile phone? He sent out an SMS to the world.
  6. Google: We know people like jacks, so on our new Pixel phone... We jacked up the price.
  7. my new phone makes me feel like a crack dealer ...mainly because I use it to sell crack.
  8. I got a new phone, and lost all my contacts. Thank god.
  9. Why did the phone's eyes light up? It got new contacts!
  10. I got a new Apple phone It seemed like it was missing a byte.
  11. I accidentally dropped my Nokia phone on the table and broke it Had to buy a new table
  12. i just got a new phone Picked it up during the Samsung Galaxy Note 7 fire sale.
  13. Bought a new battery pack for my phone today... It's the new iPad Pro with usb c.
  14. Thanos got a new phone He added half of his contacts on Snapchat
  15. Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC Please stop calling my new phone.

Playful New Phone Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group

What funny jokes about new phone you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lost phone jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new phone pranks.

Only three doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

A Canadian in New York

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW" were heard.
Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

A man is being interviewed for a job at a call center in New Delhi...

and the manager asks him to use the words "pink, green, and yellow" in a sentence. The man thinks for a minute and says, "When the phone goes 'green, green,' I pink it up and say 'Yellow, this is Hassan, how may I help you?'"

An elderly couple is taking a Sunday drive on I-80

when the wife gets a call on her new-fangled cell-phone. Her daughter is frantic, "Mom, there is a lunatic driving the wrong way down the road on I-80 near your house!"
The wife turns to her husband and says, "Did you hear that? Some maniac is driving down the wrong side of the road!"
The husband screams, "One lunatic?! There are hundreds of them!"

So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

Not a joke, but some witty comment I like to say

Whenever I get my hands on one of my friends phone (who isn't single), or whenever one of them gets a new girlfriend, I ask:
"Do you have any n**... photos of you girlfriend on your phone?"
Naturally, the answer is "No", at which I respond:
"Do you want some?"
Works every time :)

A new spin on an old cliché

I was sitting on a team call for work. We were discussing team restructuring. The question was asked about team leaders.
My boss said, "The cream will rise to the surface."
I replied, "So will the foam. The insubstantial, shiny bits that disappear completely when placed under any load."
...I need to mute the phone more often.

UN Food Survey Fails...

UN Phone Survey

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Made a lot of friends on Valentines Day!

All of them girls! Strangely the phone numbers don't exist or connect to comcast.
New friends are fun!

Santa Claus is reading letters from kids

Santa opens first letter: Oh Peter from USA needs new iPad.
Santa opens second letter: Oh Naomi from Japan needs new Samsung phone.
Santa opens third letter: Oh Isa Ahmed from Nigeria wants me to help him to get 32 million dollars out of the country.

I got a new German cell phone

I put it on airplane mode. It locked me out and then crashed

New Smart Watch GV09 Watch Phone

Testing new mobile phone

Hello, i don't know if anyone is going to read this because i am using the internet explorer. But still i wanna wish you a good start in the new year 2010.

new job in call center

I got a new job with the local s**... hotline. I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.

A girl compliments a guy on his new phone.

Girl: 'Nice phone!'
Guy: ' Thanks! I won it in a race.'
Girl: ' Who were the participants?'
Guy: ' The owner, the cop and me. '


The flight crew all showed up on time, all except for one brand-new stewardess. They called the hotel and she answered the phone, sobbing. I can't get out of my room, she cried. What... Why not? There are only three doors in this room. One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and the other way has a sign hanging on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'.

I saw the chief of a New York City police on the news

I saw the chief of New York City police on the news, he said "We will never forget 9/11"
I said "Well I sure f**...' hope not it's your phone number"

Yo mama so fat..

...she took one selfie and her brand new phone said "Insufficient storage".

Donald Trump On the Phone

Donald: Hello, I would like to inquire how long is the flight from New York to London?
Operator: Just a minute sir...
Donald: Okay, thanks! (hangs up)

There's a joke here, but it's not coming to me exactly...

New hand positions for driving: 10 and phone

After Israel threatened to take the Security Council vote as an act of war, the New Zealand Ambassador called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu....

...Picking up the phone, he spoke "Hebrew."

Samsung announced today a new line of Galaxy phones that are certified to be water resistant...

It's nice to know that you won't be able to put out the flames once they catch fire.

What do you say to a phone who can't see very well?

"Have you lost your contacts?"
Please be gentle, I'm new to this

Trump, wishing to visit New Zealand calls Bill English

Mr. English's secretary answers the phone. "Hello! This is the office of Bill English."
Trump says "Hello. This is President Donald Trump of the United States of America. I wish to know the time difference between New Zealand and Washington."
The secratary responds "Just a second, Mr. President."
Trump promptly hangs up.

My phone started to act weird when I researched buying a new phone.

It became a Paranoid Android.

Got this new game on my phone called Titanic. It's kind of annoying...

Every time I open the app it syncs.

Sam went into Samsung store

Sam went into a Samsung store where he was told that he could win a brand new phone if he sings them a song. What did Sam do?
Sam sung.

A New Yorker calls his mother who lives in Florida. She answers the phone with a very weak-sounding voice.

"Mom, you don't sound so good. What's wrong?"
Very feebly she answers, "I haven't eaten in quite some time."
"How long has it been, Mom?"
"My last meal was 26 days ago."
"26 Days!? How come?"
"I didn't want to be caught with food in my mouth when you called."

Three Apple employees have been injured walking into glass within the first month of opening their new $5bn head quarters.

Meanwhile 3 factory employees making Apple phones have been injured since the start of this joke.

s**... Rule.!

A new patient was quite upset when the doctor's nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested. "Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the blond nurse. "That's a s**... rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe." "That's nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"

I've been playing this new game on my phone quite a bit lately

It's called Verizon: Zero Bars.

I made a phone call to a friend to tell them a new joke.

It didn't get very good reception.

Im currently doing my dissertation on the safety of a new handheld device for the world health organisation

New phone WHO diss

Daddy, why do people hang horses

"Nobody hangs horses, darling," I consoled her. "Who told you that people hang horses?"
"I just heard mommy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse.

LG's making a phone targeted towards the gay and lesbian community

It's the all new LG BTQ.

Two siblings, a boy and a girl opens their Christmas presents

The boy received a football hat while the girl received a wonderful gold necklace.
The next year, the boy received a puzzle and the girl received an new wardrobe full of clothes.
And the next year again, the boy finds out he got a cheap chinese phone while his sister received an iPhone X.
So this year, after the opening, the girl says: "Haha! mom and dad loves me more!"
The boy replies: "Haha! I don't have a tumor"

Two engineers are handling a prototype for a new cell phone that they worked on

First engineer: "There's no bezel and it's all made of glass, this thing is going to break so easily!"
Second engineer: "Are you saying that we should redesign this from scratch?!"
First engineer: "Well I think a good case could be made.."

Dude, these new iPhones s**.... Where's the innovation?! I heard Samsung is making a bendable phone .

Apple already made a bendable phone 3 years ago 🤔

The new iPhone XS is great and all, but I want a bigger phone...

I think I'll just wait for the iPhone XL

A new smartphone's ad claimed: "This phone is so incredible we could provide a warranty of 20 years on it...

...but we know you wouldn't want that anyway."

A couple are sitting on their couch when their son walks in.

He tries to put in his phone in his new phone cover.
Son: It's too big, it doesn't fit.
Father: That's what she said!
Mother: That's what you wish i said!

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he's calling an important client. Offer them no more than $3 million! he shouts
down the phone. And tell them that if it isn't finished by next week, they won't get a penny! After hanging up , the man says to the visitor, "Hello? Can I help you?" And the visitor replies, Yes, I'm from the phone company. I've come to connect your phone line.

Blonde dropped and cracked her phone screen.

Blonde 1: "Hey, I dropped my phone and the screen is cracked. Will they be able to fix this?"
Blonde 2: "Is it that bad?"
Blonde 1:: "See for yourself. I'll send you a screen shot."
\*After seeing the screenshot\*
Blonde 2: "Are you kidding me?"
Blonde 1:: "..."
Blonde 2: "This looks brand new."

My gf was trying to persuade me on what new phone to buy..

She said "It's either my way or Huawei"

(Came up with this one from a meme I just saw) There's a bee in the drawer of my side table that buzzes and makes me think I got a new message on my phone...

Got a bee kiddin me.

My new phone case has sharp spikes and heats up to 400 degrees

Promise you won't hold it against me.

Blonde on the phone

Blonde: Hello, I would like to inquire how long is the flight to New York?
Operator: Just a minute ma'am...
Blonde: Thank you! (call ended)

I bought a new phone, the first thing I did was push redial...

The phone started having a nervous breakdown.
(The legendary Steven Wright)

My mother woke me up with the sentence „Hey, we're getting new phones!

I was happy, but not sure why I woke up in a bathtub full of ice cubes.

8:45 PM, Arrive at the crime scene

- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim's phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the m**... was driving away in a blue Ford Mondeo
- 8:45 PM, Realise watch is broken. Amazon estimates a 2-3 day wait for a new watch

So i said to the guy in the Phone Shop "I'd like to get a new smartphone for my wife"

He looked her up and down, then said
"Seems like a fair trade!"

I was talking to a lovely young lady and things seemed to be going really well.

Then she said "There's something I want to get out of the way right now," and she reached up and took a wig off her head, and it turned out she was as bald as a new-laid egg.
"Alopecia," she said. "It's a condition that causes hair to fall out."
"Oh," I said. "...Just on your head, or from anywhere else as well?"
"Well," she dimpled, "there's only one way to find out."
"Of course!" I said, and took out my phone. "Hey, Google..."

Action Composers

All the action heroes are at Stalone's house when their phones all go off. Their agents give them news about a new action movie focused on the great composers. After the call they are all talking about who they would like to play.
Stalone: I'm not going to be in it if I can't be Mozart.
Statham: I'm rather partial to Beethoven myself.
Jet Li: Chopin!
Everyone having had their turn they turn to Schwarzeneggar who is straight up not interested in the project.
Arnold: No! This is a dumb movie.
Everyone: Come on...
Arnold: Fine! I'll be Bach.

d**... autocorrect!

My Wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked "Does this make my b**... look big?"
I texted back "Noo!"
My phone autocorrected my response to "Moo!"
Please send help!

I was setting up a voice recognition software for my new phone and a dog nearby barked and ran away.

Now I am still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.

They banned talking on mobile phones while driving in Germany

With the new law, a man went to an electronics shop looking for something that would help him to answer his calls, but still keep his focus on driving. The store employee offered to have his brother Hansel ride with him and put the phone up to his ear when it rang.
The man said "No, that won't work. Do you have a Hans-free device?"

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

Cars are getting very expensive now a days. I was finally able to afford to buy the new Kia that I always wanted.

Brought it home last night and parked it out front. It looked so nice and beautiful. Woke up this morning and the car is gone. Sadly, It was stolen at some point last night, but the suspect dropped a phone as an evidence. It was a very old looking phone that I had never seen before.
I did a lot of research on it and finally found the make of the phone. It was a >!NOKIA!<

jokes about new phone