New Month Jokes
106 new month jokes and hilarious new month puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new month that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest New Month Short Jokes
Short new month jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new month humour may include short month end jokes also.
- The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
- Just bought a new phone, it's helping me with weight loss I don't have money to eat anything for 2 months.
- Two major banks from Mexico and America are merging next month They're calling the new company CapitalJuan
- I went to buy a new car... The salesman said- Buy it today, and you won't make a payment for six months.
I said- Boy! You really know me! - The owner of the only abortion clinic that vowed to defy Texas' new law prohibiting abortions past 6 weeks says, it's never been busier... "Currently we got a 24 month wait list"
- The last girl I dated was like a loan on the All-New 2020 Silverado during Chevy Truck Month She made herself available for a limited time only, then had 0% interest for 12 months.
- What are the four seasons called in New England? Almost winter, Winter, Still winter, and 3 months of bad sledding.
- I can't wait to get my new Alexa. She's going to do everything for me! She's due in 9 months!
- A woman calls her friend from a maternity hospital. Do you remeber that guy from the New Year's Eve party nine months ago that was dressed as a Chinese?
Yes, why?
He was definitely Chinese... - Patience is waiting for your browser to scroll back from the Tabocene, or mostly new tabs, to the Pretabrian era you started about a month ago.
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New Month One Liners
Which new month one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new month? I can suggest the ones about may month and time of the month.
- My wife is like a new credit card. 0% interest for 12 months.
- Are you a new years resolution? Cuz I could see myself doing you for a month or two
- I hired a new driver last month... He always goes the extra mile.
I need a new driver. - Great news, I've got a new dishwasher! Well, the wedding is in 2 months.
- I'm starting a new diet. It's called 2 Dollars a day until the end of the month.
- I just ordered a new dishwasher from china! The wedding's next month.
- I haven't had a new thought in a month It's all reposts
- For months I have bee trying to make a new joke. Today my five said she cant have one.
- I pay $10 a month to watch two new good movies. It's called Canadian Netflix.
- Bill Cosby's new t.v. show premier's next month, "r**... Victims Say the Darndest Things!"
- I just picked my class for the new k**...-themed MMORPG out next month. Grand Wizard
New Month Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about new month you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new year jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new month pranks.
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious - Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was immediately transported to the hospital.
While she was in surgery she had a supernatural, near death experience.
She met God and asked him: "Has my time come?"
He answered: "No, you have 43 years, 2 months and 8 more days to live."
After she recovered, the woman decided to stay in hospital and do plastic surgery on her face, liposuction, breast e**... and abdominal fat removal.
She also called a hair stylist to change her hairstyle and an orthodontist to perform a ‘teeth lifting’.
She figured, if she had so much time in front of her, she should live the best way possible.
After her last plastic surgery and not until she has recovered, she wore a new dress with matching heels, left the hospital, went across the street and an ambulance run over her…
While crossing the gates to heaven, she reached God and demanded to know what happened: "You told me I had 43 more years! Why didn’t you save me from the ambulance?"
And he answered: "I didn’t recognize you."
Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.
I’m scared.
I think I’m going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
"Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"
A lawyer has just settled down in his new office.
So now, he is thinking what he can do to have clients.
After a long time thinking, a man comes into the office.
Right away, the lawyer decides to make his new plan take action.
So he picks up the phone and says: "Unfortunately, Ms. Onassis, I cannot undertake your case right now. I am working full time, call me in a month to see if I can help you."
He puts the phone down and says to the waiting man: "How can I help you sir?"
"Nothing really, I am from telephone communications, I just came to connect your phone."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Even the story of Sir Walter Ralegh confirms that he put his brand new coat over bumps with mud for his wife to cross it.
Why?
Because he was on sea for 15 months and he desperately wanted to have s**....
No normal man that is well in his brains would do this to his expensive coat.
I have got a new dog.
We have trained together for two months and imagine, after these two months I was able to reach him my paw and managed even barking around on command.
My dog can be proud of myself.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.
Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.
"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day they enter it again 6 months later. You haven't ever seen such great submarines in your entire life, folks."
Putin, not looking really impressed, answers:
"That's great, Donald. But my new nuclear submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to drive around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?"
The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask, "How long can the German submarines stay under, Mrs Merkel?"
Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creaks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts, "Heil h**..., we need more diesel."
So a guy goes to his dentist...
...to get some a prosthetic plate fitted. Well, a month or so later he goes back. The new plates just don't feel like they are sitting correctly and feel as if they are a little loose. His dentist takes a look and asks, "Have you been eating anything particularly acidic?"
"Well... my wife does make this great Hollandaise sauce and I love it. I have been putting it on everything lately."
The dentist says, "Yep. That's it. You see the lemon juice in that Hollandaise is wearing away at the edges of your plate. But, not a problem, I can replace it with a chrome plate."
"Oh? Would that really be better?"
"Of course! Theres no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma.
After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them, if you don't mind me saying he does seem a bit of a r**...!"
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not such a bad name! I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are 4 levels of cheerios in this world.
The levels are, from bottom to top, regular, chocolate, honey nut, and the highest level is the status of Froot Loops. Jim is a regular old cheerio, and is unhappy with his life. So he studies for weeks and weeks, takes the test, and becomes a chocolate cheerio. He parties for a while, makes lots of new friends, but then becomes bored. So Jim studies for months and months to become a honey nut cheerio, takes the test, and becomes a honey nut cheerio. Life as a honey nut cheerio is much better, there are many more places to go, and many more things to see and do. But Jim is greedy, and needs more from life. So he studies for years and years to become a Froot Loop, the highest of the high positions on the social ladder. He takes the test, but fails. Jim becomes depressed, and thinks about s**..., but sees light at the end of the tunnel. So he studies even more, takes the test, and passes. Jim is ecstatic, and makes many more friends. He decides to throw a party, so he goes to the supermarket to get drinks. First he looks at beer, but the line for beer was too long, so he moves on. He goes to get juice, but the line there was also to long. He went to the punchline but there was none.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the new p**... magazine for married men?
Every month it has the same centerfold.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chronic headaches treatment
A man visits a doctor about chronic headaches. The doctor prescribes some medication, and says to the man: "Stress is the source of your headaches. Myself, I do have a lot of stress, and there's nothing better than s**... with my wife. [laughing]". Finally, the doc schedules the man for a checkup visit the following month, and the man leaves.
Next month, the man returns, and the doctors inquires if his condition has changed. The man says: "The treatment you prescribed really made a difference. I feel like a new person. Thank you." The man, gets up and is about to exit. On the way out he says: "By the way doc, you have a beautiful home."
An Irishman is new to town.
He walks into the local pub and sits at the bar he order three pints of Guiness. All at once. He sits at the bar drinking the three pints alone. The bartender thinks it is strange but doesn't ask questions. This happens every week for a few months until curiosity get the better of the barkeep and he asks about the three pints of Guiness.
The Irishman answers, "one is for my brother in Dublin, one is for my brother is Kilkenny, and the other is for me. I miss them terribly and I like to think I'm having a pint with them as if we were together back at home."
After about a year of this routine the barkeep sees the Iriashman come in and starts to pour the three pints. The Irishman interrupts, "Just two today." And he sits at the bar and drinks only two beers.
The barkeep is very concerned and after a few weeks of this finally asks, "Are your brothers are they okay, was there a death?"
"Oh no, nothing like that. I decided to quit drinking."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lumberjack and the Moose
So this lumberjack moves into a logging camp in the middle of nowhere. It's a nice little camp. There are cabins for all the workers and a tavern where they can get food and drink in the evenings.
The new guy sits down next to one of the regulars and starts having a conversation with him. The conversation turns toward the topic of s**... when the new guy asks what the workers do to satisfy their needs in the camp. The seasoned worker tells him there is a field where moose gather and graze every Thursday night. When the men have an urge they just go do a moose. The newcomer cannot believe this, but after six months he can't take it anymore.
One Thursday night he goes out to the field, picks a moose, and just starts giving it to the moose. After a minute or two he feels like someone is watching him. He turns around to see the man he had the conversation with on his first night at camp staring at him with his jaw hanging wide open. The new guy says, "What? Don't tell me that you were joking when you told me you do this?!"
The veteran shakes his head and just says, "No. That's just the ugliest moose I've ever seen!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A captain is sent to a new company....
A sergeant shows him around. He points to the firing range and says, " This is where the men practice their shooting. It's also a great way to get rid of stress". The captain nods, then the sergeant points to the cafeteria and says, " This is where the men eat. It's also a great way to get rid of stress". After most of the tour is done, the captain notices a camel tied to a post. He asks " What's that camel for?" the sergeant answers " Well the men use to the camel to g.. " The captain interrupts him and says, " I get it, to get rid of stress, that's a bit disgusting if you ask me." The sergeant then brings him to his office, finishing the tour. A few months pass by, and the captain is getting s**... frustrated, he asked the sergeant to bring the camel in his office. He then proceeds to have s**... with the camel the best way he could. When he was done he looks at the sergeant, who had a look of surprise in his eyes, and says "What? you never seen any of the men do this before?". The sergeant simply answers " Well, usually the men use the camel to go to town and find a h**.... It's great way to get rid of stress".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young, recently married Italian couple immigrates to New York...
...and after three months of marriage, the wife, Maria, presents the husband, Ernesto, with divorce papers. Lawyers get involved, and eventually they are sitting in a meeting with each other's lawyers.
Ernesto's lawyer asks Maria: Maria, why do you want to divorce Ernesto?
Maria says "Two reasons! One, he-a is always-a picking at-a his nose! Day and night! It's-a disgusting! And-a two, he-a never wants to make love with-a me on-a top! Always Ernesto on top! Why no Maria on top?!"
Ernesto's lawyer looks at Ernesto and asks him if he'd like to explain himself.
Ernesto clears his t**.... "Look-a. When we were a-leaving to a-come to this country, my papa takes-a me aside and he says, he says 'Ernesto, no matter whatta you do in America, keep your nose clean, and DON'T SCREW UP!"
Newly Weds Morgan and Adam have just moved into their new house....
and Morgan looks out the window and sees the neighbor's laundry hanging up to dry. "They need some new detergent, that laundry is still dirty!" The next morning Morgan wakes up and notices that the laundry is still dirty. This happens for the next couple of months, until one day she wakes up and sees that the laundry is clean. "She finally got new detergent!" Adam walks up behind her and says "Oh no, I just woke up early and cleaned the windows."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bottle Number 43
A new miracle doctor comes to town, who people say could cure anything. John, the local doubting Thomas, decides to prove the doctor a fraud.
He goes to the doctor and says: "Hey, doc. I've lost my sense of taste." The doctor thinks a while, scratches his head and tells John: "What you need is bottle number 43." He brings out a bottle and tells John to taste its content. John does, and immediately spits it out."Yuck, g**...!" he yells. "I just restored your sense of taste," says the doctor. John is furious.
A month later, John goes back to the doctor. "Doc," he says, "I can't remember anything!"
The doctor starts thinking again, and John is thrilled. Aha! Got him. The doctor mumbles to John, "What you need is bottle number 43..." Even before he finishes his sentence, John had fled the clinic.
They're adding a new weight class to boxing.
It's to go along with "Lightweight", "Heavyweight", and the like. They're calling it "Menstruweight".
Due to being much more aggressive than the other weight classes, they're only allowed to fight for about five days out of the month.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jon was excited about his new rifle..
... and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have s**...." Jon decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough s**...." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Several months
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have s**... with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... Appetite
The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.
Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the s**... appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident...
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident...
...and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies,
"Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother - he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Exorcist Needed!
After buying a so-called haunted house, the new owner discovers it really was. A n**... poltergeist was terrorizing his family.
Calling around, he finally found a guy willing to do an exorcism for $10,000. The new owner asked for terms and the guy agreed to do it for $1000.00 a month.
He came by and voila! The ghost was gone.
Six months in the new owner was getting tired of making payments so he stopped.
Well, sure enough the n**... ghost was back. Realizing that he had no choice, he called the exorcist and humbly asked him to come back.
The exorcist declined, saying, "No can do. Your house has been repossessed!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...
When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."
Free stuff
A man bought a brand new TV and didn't need his old CRV one. He put the good old one in his yard with a sign "free - still working". It stood there for a month and no one took it.
Then he changed the sign which wrote "50$". It was stolen the next day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bill can't get the song "What's New, p**...?" out of his head.
Bill goes to the doctor, and says "Doctor, doctor, you've gotta help me! I can't get the song "What's New, p**...?" out of my head."
Doctor says "Well, that's not really a medical condition, is it?"
Bill says "You don't understand, it's been in my head for three or four months, constantly, morning to night, I can't work, I can't concentrate, it's affecting my relationships, my career, it's ruining my life"
"Ah," the doctor says, "sounds like you have Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Tom Jones Syndrome?" Bill asks. "I've never heard of that, is it rare?"
"Oh," the doc replies, "it's not unusual."
OK I made a new one!
How do Mexicans warm their houses in the winter months?
Central Fajiting.
Did you guys hear about the new Ray Lewis action figure?
Batteries included.
If it makes you feel any better I made the joke up a few months ago and it was a Chris Brown joke, but with Rice being topical and all.
UN Food Survey Fails...
UN Phone Survey
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
Three children named Petal, Leaf and Fridge were about to have their first day of school...
When the three met the teacher of their new class, the teacher read the new student list and asked which one was petal. When petal put her hand up, the teacher asked, "What inspired your parents to give you such a beautiful name?". Petal explained that ," When I was 3 months old, a petal dropped on my head!". The teacher smiled and asked leaf where his name came from. Leaf said, " When I was 2 months old, a leaf came off a tree and landed on my stomach!" The teacher gave a cheery smile to Leaf too. Then she asked Fridge, "and umm... why did your parents call you Fridge dear? Fridge says "DUHHHHHHH!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was looking for a new apartment...
and found a nice place in the center of town that seemed ideal.
"It's only $650 a month," the women told me. "But no children or pets."
I had to turn it down. It was a bargain but I wasn't willing to give up my s**... life.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm on a new diet, it's called...
Being single.
I used to e**... plate and half of hers. I've lost 10 pounds in two months, nothing else has changed.
Two Jews at Miami Beach
Two Jewish men from New York pass each other walking down Miami beach. They see each other walking every now and then over a couple months and eventually introduce themselves and walk together. After walking for awhile the first said to the second how did you end up here in Miami. The second man told him that he owned a garment factory until there was a fire that burnt it to the ground and because he was older he decided to just keep the insurance money and retire. When the second asked the first how he came to be in Miami he told him it was a very similar story. He also had owned a garment factory until a flood destroyed it which also cause him to retire. After their talk they walked for a minute or two and the second man turns to the first and asks, how exactly do you start a flood?
Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes...
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up
Interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years,
You could have now bought a new Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying
"Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?"
"Klose", replied the groggy husband.
"And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?"
"Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied.
"Who was that girl in that 'Saved by the Bell' show, Kapowski?"
"Tiffani Thiessen, played Kelly Kapowski"
"And also, when'd that new girl, Sandy, move downstairs again?"
"Two months next Wednesday. What's going on honey?" asked the husband, now irritated.
"Yesterday was my birthday."
Fooling Around On Me?
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."
My new years resolution will be to stop losing pounds. I lost over 20 pounds this month!
I seriously need to stop losing pounds. This month, I lost over £20. That's around $30 US.
My friends told me my new clothes were gay
They were not new. They were just sitting in the closet for months
Why 6 was really afraid of 7
6 was just a normal girl, she met 7 on a dating app. They went out several times after that and a few dates later 7 proposed. 6 was ecstatic, they got married within the month and when they moved into a new house they quickly made friends with their neighbors, 9 and 10. 6 soon noticed strange behavior in 7, he was going out late at night to other people's houses. One night 6 saw 7 leave into the neighbors house. She decided to follow him in and was horrified. Blood stains led up to the darkened kitchen where she discovered some thing she could never unsee. 7 had done it. 7 8 9.
As a child I was told there's a monster under my bed.
As an adult I went to see a therapist.
"Doc I got issues, man I know it's ridiculous but I think there's a monster under my bed"
"Well young man, you have come to right place give me three months and you'll be right as new"
"What will it cost me doc?"
"Well we will have two session every week for 3 months, and every session will be 50 dollar"
"Phew that's a lot doc, I gotta sleep on that"
"Sure, whatever makes you comfortable"
Six months later I ran into that therapist again and he goes.
"Oh you never came back, how's your ailment"
"Oh it's fine, my japanese friend helped me out for free"
"Oh really what did he do?"
"Well he cut off bed's legs"
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."
Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.
Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck, and beat her.
Domestic violins.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My new girlfriend said I'll have to wait 6 months before we have s**... .
I said I respected her decision and I'll give her a call then.
Our new librarian is very polite and I think she is Italian...
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue, but rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trumpcare
A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."
The German surgeon replies; In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."
The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At an international medical conference:
A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."
The German surgeon replies; In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."
The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."
-Maura Obrien from Quora
Ajit Pai has resigned from the FCC to take a new role with a better monthly salary and a better corporate fit.
A new law will require all wine to be aged 18 months before commercial sale
Failure to follow new legislation will be referred to as Statutory Grape
There was a middle-aged couple...
who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child: "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
Three Apple employees have been injured walking into glass within the first month of opening their new $5bn head quarters.
Meanwhile 3 factory employees making Apple phones have been injured since the start of this joke.
There is a terrible head-on collision on a winding Russian road
Both cars, a brand new Mercedes and an old Zhiguli, are absolutely totaled, but fortunately both drivers are relatively unscathed.
The owner of the Mercedes looks sadly at the wreckage and moans, "My brand new car! I was saving money all year to buy it, and here it is, destroyed barely a month later."
The owner of the Zhiguli nods sadly and sighs, "Yeah. I had to save money for 15 years to buy mine."
A man goes to the dentist...
A dentist found something wrong with one of his patients. The upper plate that had been put in earlier was corroding. "What have you been eating?" the dentists asked the man.
"All I can think of is that about three months ago my wife made some asparagus and put Hollandaise sauce on it. I loved it so much, I put it on everything now."
"That's the problem," the dentist said, frowning. "Hollandaise sauce contains lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?"
"It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."
Who is he?
After returning home from their honeymoon, the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table.
At first, he really doesn't give it much thought. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask her about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no," she answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
Family violence
A 6 year old kid was at the center of a NYC Courtroom earlier this month when he challenged a court ruling over who should have Custody over him. When it was discovered that his parents beat him, he was given custody over to his grandparents. A problem arises when the boy says that his grandparents also beat him. Custody is then suggested to he given to his aunt, with the same problem: the boy was beaten by his aunt. After realizing that violence was a problem within his family, the judge let the boy propose who should have custody of him. After talking to welfare officials the Judge granted custody of the boy to the New York Giants. Who the boy firmly believed couldn't beat anyone.
Bills
Two thieves break into a bank after a lot of difficulty. Hearing police sirens, they each grab a sack from the vault and run for their lives.
8 months later, after the commotion about the robbery dies down, the thieves meet up casually to talk at a bar about the robbery:
Thief 1: Hey man!! It's been a long time!
Thief 2: Yeah it sure has been long.
T1: What did you get in your sack?
T2: I sure struck gold! I found lots of $500 bills.... I bought a new mansion, married, donated some to charity and put the rest in the bank. Life is amazing! What about you?
T1: I found bills in my sack too.
T2: What did you do with the money?
T1: I'm trying to pay them off one by one......
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I almost made a new friend today,
Until I found out he only wanted to be my friend so he could bang my sister.
I said, I don't have a sister.
He told me to give it nine months.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A m**... man married a second wife..
A m**... man married a second wife but after several months he could not bear all the expenses from the 2 wives so he decided to divorce one of them.
He called both of his wives and gave them $70 each and told them that he will leave for a week. And when he comes back he will see which one is better with money management.
After a week he came back. He found the old wife still have $10 left but the new wife has borrowed an extra $50.
So, he divorced the old one because she can take care of her self.
With their new social credit system, the Chinese government might as well have a get-together at the end of every month to reveal the "Citizen of the month"
Downloaded a new app, forced to wear a Santa costume now for the next two months
Turns out I didn't read the Santa clause.
Everybody's pushing this Bird Box thing, but it sounds awful
A new bird every month? My God, I'll go broke in a year on the millet costs alone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A new couple buys a new house, and the husband tells his wife to make dinner for him.
The wife refuses, so the man tells his wife:
If you don't make me dinner I will do to you what my dad did to my mom when she didn't make dinner.
The next day the man says the same thing:
If you don't make me dinner I will do to you what my dad did to my mom when she didn't make dinner.
This went on for about a month until the wife asks her husband what his dad did to his mom.
Husband: he went to sleep without dinner.
The Tea Party
Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).
He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him more. After several cups of 'tea,' and much praise, Mom came home.
"Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.
"Isn't she just the cutest?"
Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"
What bust?
A young man went to the drug store and asked for a package of condoms.
"We have something new, colored condoms," said the clerk. "Special introductory price!"
So the young man bought a package of colored condoms.
Ten months later he was back at the drug store, and asked for a maternity bra.
The same clerk was on duty, and he asked, "What bust?"
"The yellow one."
Two friends meet after several months in the streat and they start talking
\+ You have lost a lot of weight! You look better!
\- Yeah, I have been going to a new gym. It is near here.
\+ Oh really? Do you have a strict monitor and a dietist?
\- No, the gym is so expensive that I barely have money to eat.
An intern proudly greets his boss as she walks in the office...
"I took the pleasure of getting here early and doing a few tasks to help your day go smoother. I even pruned the ivy hanging on your wall."
She glared at him and stormed into her office and sure enough, almost half of the plant's leaves were in the garbage leaving the poor ivy looking pathetic. "What have you done!?! This plant is plastic!"
The intern smiled and said, "I don't think so, I did the same thing a few months ago and it grew back nice and full!"
The boss yelled, "NO IT DIDN'T! I BOUGHT A NEW ONE!"