New Month Jokes
107 new month jokes and hilarious new month puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new month that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest New Month Short Jokes
Short new month jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new month humour may include short month end jokes also.
- The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
- Just bought a new phone, it's helping me with weight loss I don't have money to eat anything for 2 months.
- Two major banks from Mexico and America are merging next month They're calling the new company CapitalJuan
- I went to buy a new car... The salesman said- Buy it today, and you won't make a payment for six months.
I said- Boy! You really know me! - The owner of the only abortion clinic that vowed to defy Texas' new law prohibiting abortions past 6 weeks says, it's never been busier... "Currently we got a 24 month wait list"
- The last girl I dated was like a loan on the All-New 2020 Silverado during Chevy Truck Month She made herself available for a limited time only, then had 0% interest for 12 months.
- What are the four seasons called in New England? Almost winter, Winter, Still winter, and 3 months of bad sledding.
- I can't wait to get my new Alexa. She's going to do everything for me! She's due in 9 months!
- I went looking at new cars today... The salesman said- "And if you buy today, you won't make a payment for six months!"
I said- "Wow! It's almost like you know me!" - I almost made a new friend today, Until I found out he only wanted to be my friend so he could bang my sister.
I said, I don't have a sister.
He told me to give it nine months.
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New Month One Liners
Which new month one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new month? I can suggest the ones about may month and time of the month.
- My wife is like a new credit card. 0% interest for 12 months.
- Are you a new years resolution? Cuz I could see myself doing you for a month or two
- I hired a new driver last month... He always goes the extra mile.
I need a new driver. - Great news, I've got a new dishwasher! Well, the wedding is in 2 months.
- I'm starting a new diet. It's called 2 Dollars a day until the end of the month.
- I just ordered a new dishwasher from china! The wedding's next month.
- I haven't had a new thought in a month It's all reposts
- For months I have bee trying to make a new joke. Today my five said she cant have one.
- What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve? He got 12 months!
- I pay $10 a month to watch two new good movies. It's called Canadian Netflix.
- Bill Cosby's new t.v. show premier's next month, "r**... Victims Say the Darndest Things!"
- I just picked my class for the new k**...-themed MMORPG out next month. Grand Wizard
New Month Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about new month you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new year jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new month pranks.
Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.
I’m scared.
I think I’m going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
"Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"
A lawyer has just settled down in his new office.
So now, he is thinking what he can do to have clients.
After a long time thinking, a man comes into the office.
Right away, the lawyer decides to make his new plan take action.
So he picks up the phone and says: "Unfortunately, Ms. Onassis, I cannot undertake your case right now. I am working full time, call me in a month to see if I can help you."
He puts the phone down and says to the waiting man: "How can I help you sir?"
"Nothing really, I am from telephone communications, I just came to connect your phone."
Even the story of Sir Walter Ralegh confirms that he put his brand new coat over bumps with mud for his wife to cross it.
Why?
Because he was on sea for 15 months and he desperately wanted to have s**....
No normal man that is well in his brains would do this to his expensive coat.
I have got a new dog.
We have trained together for two months and imagine, after these two months I was able to reach him my paw and managed even barking around on command.
My dog can be proud of myself.
So a guy goes to his dentist...
...to get some a prosthetic plate fitted. Well, a month or so later he goes back. The new plates just don't feel like they are sitting correctly and feel as if they are a little loose. His dentist takes a look and asks, "Have you been eating anything particularly acidic?"
"Well... my wife does make this great Hollandaise sauce and I love it. I have been putting it on everything lately."
The dentist says, "Yep. That's it. You see the lemon juice in that Hollandaise is wearing away at the edges of your plate. But, not a problem, I can replace it with a chrome plate."
"Oh? Would that really be better?"
"Of course! Theres no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma.
After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them, if you don't mind me saying he does seem a bit of a r**...!"
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not such a bad name! I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
Did you hear about the new p**... magazine for married men?
Every month it has the same centerfold.
Lumberjack and the Moose
So this lumberjack moves into a logging camp in the middle of nowhere. It's a nice little camp. There are cabins for all the workers and a tavern where they can get food and drink in the evenings.
The new guy sits down next to one of the regulars and starts having a conversation with him. The conversation turns toward the topic of s**... when the new guy asks what the workers do to satisfy their needs in the camp. The seasoned worker tells him there is a field where moose gather and graze every Thursday night. When the men have an urge they just go do a moose. The newcomer cannot believe this, but after six months he can't take it anymore.
One Thursday night he goes out to the field, picks a moose, and just starts giving it to the moose. After a minute or two he feels like someone is watching him. He turns around to see the man he had the conversation with on his first night at camp staring at him with his jaw hanging wide open. The new guy says, "What? Don't tell me that you were joking when you told me you do this?!"
The veteran shakes his head and just says, "No. That's just the ugliest moose I've ever seen!"
A captain is sent to a new company....
A sergeant shows him around. He points to the firing range and says, " This is where the men practice their shooting. It's also a great way to get rid of stress". The captain nods, then the sergeant points to the cafeteria and says, " This is where the men eat. It's also a great way to get rid of stress". After most of the tour is done, the captain notices a camel tied to a post. He asks " What's that camel for?" the sergeant answers " Well the men use to the camel to g.. " The captain interrupts him and says, " I get it, to get rid of stress, that's a bit disgusting if you ask me." The sergeant then brings him to his office, finishing the tour. A few months pass by, and the captain is getting s**... frustrated, he asked the sergeant to bring the camel in his office. He then proceeds to have s**... with the camel the best way he could. When he was done he looks at the sergeant, who had a look of surprise in his eyes, and says "What? you never seen any of the men do this before?". The sergeant simply answers " Well, usually the men use the camel to go to town and find a h**.... It's great way to get rid of stress".
Newly Weds Morgan and Adam have just moved into their new house....
and Morgan looks out the window and sees the neighbor's laundry hanging up to dry. "They need some new detergent, that laundry is still dirty!" The next morning Morgan wakes up and notices that the laundry is still dirty. This happens for the next couple of months, until one day she wakes up and sees that the laundry is clean. "She finally got new detergent!" Adam walks up behind her and says "Oh no, I just woke up early and cleaned the windows."
A city boy was getting ready to move to the country...
He went a local horse breeder and bought a fine looking horse for a $1000 and told the man he'd be back in a week when he moved in to pick it up.
A week later the city boy drives his brand new truck and horse trailer to the breeder's ranch to pick up the horse.
The rancher says, "Sorry mister, the horse you bought died just yesterday."
The city man thinks about this for a moment and says, "Okay, load it up in the trailer."
"The dead horse?" the rancher asks. "Yep" says the city man.
A month later the rancher sees the city man at the local feed mart and says, "Say, what did you do with that dead horse?".
"I auctioned it off for $5 a ticket. I sold 500 tickets and made $2500 and bought myself an even better horse!" says the man. The rancher says "But what did you do after the drawing?"
"Well, I told the winner that the horse had died and I gave him his $5 back."
A new CEO starts his first day
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
What doctors really thinking?
- This should be taken care of right away.
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
- Welllllll, what have we here…?
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
- Let me check your medical history.
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
- We have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
- Let me schedule you for some tests.
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
- I'd like to have my associate look at you.
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
- I'd like to prescribe a new drug.
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
- This may hurt a little.
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
- This should fix you up.
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
- I'd like to run some more tests.
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
- There is a lot of that going around.
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
They're adding a new weight class to boxing.
It's to go along with "Lightweight", "Heavyweight", and the like. They're calling it "Menstruweight".
Due to being much more aggressive than the other weight classes, they're only allowed to fight for about five days out of the month.
Jon was excited about his new rifle..
... and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have s**...." Jon decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough s**...." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
The difference between before/after getting hired
When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.
It went like this:
ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new
Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...
ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen
Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?
ABC: That's a granted.
Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?
ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?
Timmy: Are meals subsidized?
ABC: You BET.
Timmy: Do the new employees usually end up doing ALL the work?
ABC: That's impossible. There are so many other experienced people in our company.
Timmy: If I did well, would I ever become a manager?
ABC: Yes. Absolutely.
Timmy: Wow. Is this for real?
After working there for several months, Timmy noticed that the job wasn't panning out the way he had been promised. Quite upset, he went to file a complaint to the HR dept. The next day, Timmy was summoned into the management's office, where they threatened to fire him for voicing out.
To see his conversation with the management, read the conversation above again.... from the bottom to the top.
Several months
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have s**... with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident...
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident...
...and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies,
"Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother - he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
"The watch"
My dad just reminded me of this old classic!
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolitan areas. He hits a few b**... and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more b**... and the same voice said something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more b**... and a tiny but very hi-resolution, map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries.
A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...
When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."
One day a big group of blondes...
met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb.
They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb."
The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd.
She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?"
The blonde responded: "November?"
"Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."
So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?"
The blonde responded: "Paris?"
So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance."
The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?"
The blonde replied: "Two?"
"Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.
Free stuff
A man bought a brand new TV and didn't need his old CRV one. He put the good old one in his yard with a sign "free - still working". It stood there for a month and no one took it.
Then he changed the sign which wrote "50$". It was stolen the next day.
Did you guys hear about the new Ray Lewis action figure?
Batteries included.
If it makes you feel any better I made the joke up a few months ago and it was a Chris Brown joke, but with Rice being topical and all.
UN Food Survey Fails...
UN Phone Survey
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
Sick days
For some reason when I get sick it always happens at the most suspicious time. For example, last year, I got sick the day before Thanksgiving. I called in sick, took the day off, and recovered over my now 5-day weekend.
Then Christmas rolled around, and I ended up getting the flu the day before I was due back at work. So I called in sick again and didn't end up back at work until after New Year's.
A few weeks later, it was my birthday, and I came down with a 24-hr stomach bug the night before! At this point I could tell my co-workers and boss were getting suspicious.
Not one month later my boss was having us stay overtime after work and I was hit with a severe migraine around lunch. This time I could tell that my boss definitely didn't believe me.
At that moment, while I was leaving the office building with the sunshine beating down on my pulsing headache, the reason why I got sick on all those days became apparent. I'm a pathological liar that hates to work.
I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.
I was looking for a new apartment...
and found a nice place in the center of town that seemed ideal.
"It's only $650 a month," the women told me. "But no children or pets."
I had to turn it down. It was a bargain but I wasn't willing to give up my s**... life.
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?
I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
I'm on a new diet, it's called...
Being single.
I used to e**... plate and half of hers. I've lost 10 pounds in two months, nothing else has changed.
Barry worked at a coal mine
One day he was leaving work with a wheelbarrow which had a box on it. The guard, looking at him suspiciously, stopped him and asked, "What's inside that box?"
Barry: "Nothing"
The guard opened the box, saw it was empty and let Barry go.
The next day the same thing happened. This kept going on for about a month, until some day when the guard stopped Barry and said, "Look, Barry. I know you're up to something. I think you're stealing something, but I don't know what. Just tell me what it is that you're doing, and I promise to let you go."
Barry: "Every day I steal a new wheelbarrow. I use the box as a disguise."
A captain of the Foreign Legion is transferred...
...to a new military station in the middle of the desert. When he gets there, he sees that a camel gets a special treatment: it lives in a nice room, the men gently feed it, etc.
"Tell me, why does everyone care about that camel so much?" he asks the sergeant.
"Well, you know, so many men confined to the camp for so long, without any women... so when in need, we use the camel."
"Well, that's weird enough, but if it doesn't affect the morale, I guess it's fine."
After six tough months, the captain feels the need, too. He tells the sergeant:
"Sergeant, bring that camel into my room!"
The sergeant takes the camel to his room, where the captain has his way with the animal. Next morning, the captain tells the sergeant:
"See, now I know what the men are using the camel for as well!"
"Did you also go into town to visit the girls, sir?"
Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes...
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up
Interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years,
You could have now bought a new Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
p**... is starting a new magazine specifically for married men.
It has the same centerfold every month!
My p**... hair trimming business will limit itself to female customers for the first few months.
I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.
Fooling Around On Me?
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."
My new years resolution will be to stop losing pounds. I lost over 20 pounds this month!
I seriously need to stop losing pounds. This month, I lost over £20. That's around $30 US.
p**... is coming out with a new magazine for married men
Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.
My friends told me my new clothes were gay
They were not new. They were just sitting in the closet for months
New Hearing Aid
Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.
The man says, Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!
Why 6 was really afraid of 7
6 was just a normal girl, she met 7 on a dating app. They went out several times after that and a few dates later 7 proposed. 6 was ecstatic, they got married within the month and when they moved into a new house they quickly made friends with their neighbors, 9 and 10. 6 soon noticed strange behavior in 7, he was going out late at night to other people's houses. One night 6 saw 7 leave into the neighbors house. She decided to follow him in and was horrified. Blood stains led up to the darkened kitchen where she discovered some thing she could never unsee. 7 had done it. 7 8 9.
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."
Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.
Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck, and beat her.
Domestic violins.
My new girlfriend said I'll have to wait 6 months before we have s**... .
I said I respected her decision and I'll give her a call then.
Our new librarian is very polite and I think she is Italian...
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue, but rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
Trumpcare
A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."
The German surgeon replies; In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."
The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."
Ajit Pai has resigned from the FCC to take a new role with a better monthly salary and a better corporate fit.
A new law will require all wine to be aged 18 months before commercial sale
Failure to follow new legislation will be referred to as Statutory Grape
There's a new radio station in town
called WPMS. It has a monthly programming cycle, three weeks of the blues then one week of ragtime.
Three Apple employees have been injured walking into glass within the first month of opening their new $5bn head quarters.
Meanwhile 3 factory employees making Apple phones have been injured since the start of this joke.
TIL: They found an unopened tomb in Egypt and a new Pharaoh last month
The strange thing was he was wrapped in foil - his name is Pharaoh Rocher
There is a terrible head-on collision on a winding Russian road
Both cars, a brand new Mercedes and an old Zhiguli, are absolutely totaled, but fortunately both drivers are relatively unscathed.
The owner of the Mercedes looks sadly at the wreckage and moans, "My brand new car! I was saving money all year to buy it, and here it is, destroyed barely a month later."
The owner of the Zhiguli nods sadly and sighs, "Yeah. I had to save money for 15 years to buy mine."
A woman calls her friend from a maternity hospital.
Do you remeber that guy from the New Year's Eve party nine months ago that was dressed as a Chinese?
Yes, why?
He was definitely Chinese...
Moving out
About a month ago, I turned 21 and my parents said that I should consider moving out. Although they didn't directly say that I should leave, I could tell that they wanted me to move. I agreed with them. My room was too small for me anyways, so I packed my clothes, my TV, and my laptop. I finalized my plan and left two days later. It's been about a month and my new place is okay, but there is only one problem. There is no heater, so I may have to move out of the basement and go back upstairs to my room.
Who is he?
After returning home from their honeymoon, the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table.
At first, he really doesn't give it much thought. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask her about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no," she answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
Family violence
A 6 year old kid was at the center of a NYC Courtroom earlier this month when he challenged a court ruling over who should have Custody over him. When it was discovered that his parents beat him, he was given custody over to his grandparents. A problem arises when the boy says that his grandparents also beat him. Custody is then suggested to he given to his aunt, with the same problem: the boy was beaten by his aunt. After realizing that violence was a problem within his family, the judge let the boy propose who should have custody of him. After talking to welfare officials the Judge granted custody of the boy to the New York Giants. Who the boy firmly believed couldn't beat anyone.
Bills
Two thieves break into a bank after a lot of difficulty. Hearing police sirens, they each grab a sack from the vault and run for their lives.
8 months later, after the commotion about the robbery dies down, the thieves meet up casually to talk at a bar about the robbery:
Thief 1: Hey man!! It's been a long time!
Thief 2: Yeah it sure has been long.
T1: What did you get in your sack?
T2: I sure struck gold! I found lots of $500 bills.... I bought a new mansion, married, donated some to charity and put the rest in the bank. Life is amazing! What about you?
T1: I found bills in my sack too.
T2: What did you do with the money?
T1: I'm trying to pay them off one by one......
A m**... man married a second wife..
A m**... man married a second wife but after several months he could not bear all the expenses from the 2 wives so he decided to divorce one of them.
He called both of his wives and gave them $70 each and told them that he will leave for a week. And when he comes back he will see which one is better with money management.
After a week he came back. He found the old wife still have $10 left but the new wife has borrowed an extra $50.
So, he divorced the old one because she can take care of her self.
With their new social credit system, the Chinese government might as well have a get-together at the end of every month to reveal the "Citizen of the month"
Downloaded a new app, forced to wear a Santa costume now for the next two months
Turns out I didn't read the Santa clause.
Everybody's pushing this Bird Box thing, but it sounds awful
A new bird every month? My God, I'll go broke in a year on the millet costs alone.
The Tea Party
Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).
He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him more. After several cups of 'tea,' and much praise, Mom came home.
"Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.
"Isn't she just the cutest?"
Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"
What bust?
A young man went to the drug store and asked for a package of condoms.
"We have something new, colored condoms," said the clerk. "Special introductory price!"
So the young man bought a package of colored condoms.
Ten months later he was back at the drug store, and asked for a maternity bra.
The same clerk was on duty, and he asked, "What bust?"
"The yellow one."
Two friends meet after several months in the streat and they start talking
\+ You have lost a lot of weight! You look better!
\- Yeah, I have been going to a new gym. It is near here.
\+ Oh really? Do you have a strict monitor and a dietist?
\- No, the gym is so expensive that I barely have money to eat.
Patience is waiting for your browser to scroll back
from the Tabocene, or mostly new tabs, to the Pretabrian era you started about a month ago.
An intern proudly greets his boss as she walks in the office...
"I took the pleasure of getting here early and doing a few tasks to help your day go smoother. I even pruned the ivy hanging on your wall."
She glared at him and stormed into her office and sure enough, almost half of the plant's leaves were in the garbage leaving the poor ivy looking pathetic. "What have you done!?! This plant is plastic!"
The intern smiled and said, "I don't think so, I did the same thing a few months ago and it grew back nice and full!"
The boss yelled, "NO IT DIDN'T! I BOUGHT A NEW ONE!"