New Mom Jokes
111 new mom jokes and hilarious new mom puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new mom that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest New Mom Short Jokes
Short new mom jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new mom humour may include short new dad jokes also.
- I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.
- Daughter: Mom, I have a new boyfriend, our neighbor joe. Mom: But he could be your father! Daughter: Age is not that important to me.
Mom: That's not what I was talking about. - This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom. He said it was the best trade he's ever made
- Son, you were adopted! - what do you mean I was adopted? I saw a picture of mom pregnant..
- No. I mean you were adopted! Pack your things. Your new family is coming to pick you up! - My mom says that ever since I started doing drugs I've gotten to new low points I think I need to get high again
- My mom runs a car dealership and I am getting my new car from there. My mom asked me "So will you be writing a cheque?"
I replied "Not today! It's my cake day. I get Free Karma" - Dads are like puppies Mom can always get a new one, but he'll never be like the one that ran away.
- Scientists have a new working theory on what happened before the Big Bang. Your mom put an ad on Craigslist.
- Mom i'd like you to meet my new girlfriend -Sorry, not good enough for you. You deserve better.
-But mom we're in love!
-I was talking to her - Joke of The Day A new Student came to the class. After telling the rest of the Children his name, the teacher asked, "what does your Father do"?
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Student :" Whatever Mom Says"
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New Mom One Liners
Which new mom one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new mom? I can suggest the ones about expecting mom and pregnant mom.
- My mom's new husband gave me his ladder. It's now my step ladder.
- My mom always used to say "50 is the new 20!" Lovely woman, lost her driver's license...
- Did you hear about the new group my mom's in? D.A.M. (Moms against dyslexia)
- Have you heard Lil Pump & Eminems new song? "Mom Essgetti"?
- Where do orphans go to find new parents? The mom n pop store
- My Mom's new favorite thing is renovating spherical homes She's on a round house kick.
- What did the new mom name her quadruplets? Adolph, Rudolph, Getoff, and Stayoff.
- - Will you celebrate New Year's Eve with your parents again, like a loser? - Yes, mom...
- What did the kid say when his mom gave him a new toy? Where's the touchscreen?
- What's gray and comes in quarts? According to my mom, my new stepdad
- My new favorite s**... position is called "wow". It's where I turn your mom upside down.
- I'm taking your mom to the new British dollar store p**....
- Toy Story 4 Will Be About Sids Moms Toys Giving a whole new meaning to Buzz and w**...
- My mom bought a new vacuum, she says it really s**....
Hilarious Fun New Mom Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about new mom you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean expecting mother jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new mom pranks.
Three brothers wanted to give their blind mom a birthday gift. The first got her a big beautiful house. The second got her a brand new luxury vehicle with a driver. The third got her a talking parrot to keep her company. When they all got together, they wanted to know which gift she liked best. She said they were all great but she thanked her third son because she liked the chicken dinner best.
Little Johnny's new baby brother is screaming up a storm. He asks his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replies, "He came from Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Wow! I can see why they threw him out!"
The New Jersey 'Tanning Mom' has recently create a doll and called it the 'Tanorexia' doll. The doll was so ugly, it turned Ken gay.
Little Johnny was at school one day, when he noticed that there was a large crowd of kids gathered around Little Billy.
Little Johnny walks up to Little Billy and says "Hey what's all the excitement about",
Little Billy says "Just showing everyone my new watch".
Little Johnny goes "Wow, that's a cool watch where did you get it?"
Little Billy says "Well, I walked in on my mom and dad having s**... over the weekend, and my dad was so mad he gave me spanking and sent me to my room".
The next day, he feel guilty about what he had done and went and bought me this cool Watch.
This gives Little Johnny a good idea.
Later that night, when Little Johnny was sent to bed, he stayed up listening and waiting for his mom and dad to go to bed.
Once he starts hearing noises coming from their room he runs down the hall, throws their bedroom door open, and yells "I want a watch!"
His dad looks over to Johnny and says "Well okay, but sit in the corner and be quiet!"
What do new car colours and your mom's literary collection have in common?
They both only have fifty shades of grey.
Jew or Gipsy?
John's dad is a Jew and his mom is a Gipsy. one day john asks his dad: what am I , a Jew or a Gipsy ?" dad: "why is that important to you?" John: "It's very important because Bob has a new bike and I don't know what to do: steal it or negotiate with him..."
What's in a name?
A woman sits down next to another mother on a park bench as their kids played together on a playground in Keswick, and they got to talking.
The woman was astonished that the other Mom had eleven children, all named Jayden.
Why did you call all your kids Jayden?" she asked her new friend.
"It's a great time-saver, I can just yell JAYDEN, time for bed", and they all will come running".
A perplexed look crossed the face of the first woman But don't you find it a little confusing? What if you only wanted to call one specific child, the second youngest, or the oldest? How do you get just their attention?
Simple… said the mother of eleven …then I just call them by their LAST names
The mailman
A mailman gets a new route in a rural community. Walking up to a isolated little farmhouse, he sees a woman out back getting hammered by a goat.
He looks at the kid sitting on the porch, and asks him "Hey kid, doesn't it bother you, what your mom's doing back there?"
The kid looks at him and says "NAAAAAAA!"
A boy sees that his pet turtle isn't moving...
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," wailed the little boy to his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.
His mom said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in a tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a lovely burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for a yummy big ice cream, and then get you a great new pet, like a puppy!" Just then, she noticed the turtle move. "Look! Your turtle isn't dead after all!"
"Oh," said the little boy, "can we kill it?"
So Little Timmy is Playing with His Legos...
...when all of a sudden his mother comes up to him. She tells him "Timmy, when your father comes home can you tell him to come to our room? Tell him it's very very important". Timmy agrees and continues to play with his legos. A couple of hours later the father comes home and Timmy runs to him and says "Daddy! Mommy says she needs you go to your bedroom, she said it's very very important!". The father starts heading to the bedroom, but Timmy begins to get curious. He secretly follows his dad and waits for him to close the door. He peeks through the keyhole and sees his mom rip off all of her clothes. Standing there n**..., she tells the father very bluntly "John. I want a baby". 9 months later, Timmy receives a new baby sister. A couple days at home pass and Timmy goes up to his mom. He tells her "Mommy, when daddy comes home can you tell him to come to my room? It's super important!". A couple hours pass and the father comes home and greets his wife and newborn. She then tells him "John, Timmy wants you to go to his room, he said it was important". The father heads to Timmy's room, and after walking in Timmy begins to rip off all of his clothes. Standing in front of his father n**..., Timmy says very bluntly "Daddy. I want a bike".
Mommy...
A little girl comes home from school and her mother asks how her day was. The little girl told her mom That she had found out something new. Her mother asked what it was and the girl replied
"Johnny showed me his pee-pee today and it reminded me of a peanut."
Of course her mother was disturbed and she decided to go along with the little girl's act to see if it wasn't true.
"What about it reminded you of a peanut? Was it small like a peanut?"
"No, it tasted salty."
An elderly couple is taking a Sunday drive on I-80
when the wife gets a call on her new-fangled cell-phone. Her daughter is frantic, "Mom, there is a lunatic driving the wrong way down the road on I-80 near your house!"
The wife turns to her husband and says, "Did you hear that? Some maniac is driving down the wrong side of the road!"
The husband screams, "One lunatic?! There are hundreds of them!"
The Good Old Days!
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular to his grandson.
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!
"Grandson, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
3 jewish moms
3 moms are talking about their sons:
The first one says "my son is so rich that he can buy Paris!", the second one answers "are you kidding me? Mine is so rich that he can buy Paris AND New York!", the third one looks at them and seems surprised, then she says: "and what makes you think my son wants to sell???"
Two girls are setting up their new dorm room together.
One is from Georgia and the other is from Connecticut. The one from Connecticut has her mom there helping her put up some blinds. The one from Georgia asks, "Hey! Where y'all from?" The other girl replies, "We're from a place where we know not to end our sentences with prepositions." So the girl from Georgia says,
"Oh, I'm sorry. Where y'all from...c**...?"
The daughter of the house walks over to her mom and asks:
"Mom. Why is my name Leaf?"
Her mother answers:
"Well, that is because when you were a new born, a leaf landed on your head."
Later the oldest son asks:
"Mom. Why is my name Feather?"
"That is because when you were a new born, a feather landed on your head." The mother answers
Lastly the youngest son walks up to his mother and says: "Ihlaadskleblaødertmakusigalabongilahaudershirp!!"
The mother says: "Please be quiet, refrigerator"
"Mom, can I wear my short skirt to school today?"
"No."
"Can I at least wear your new glossy lipstick?"
"I said NO."
"Well can I PLEASE wear my new pink bra?"
"I said NO, Justin!"
[nsfw] A man goes to the pharmacy
He asks to buy a c**..., He tells the pharmacist "well, I am going to my new girlfriends place for dinner tonight, I need a c**... for s**... time with my girlfriend". He buys the c**... and walks out of the store. A few seconds later, He comes back and says "well, actually, my girlfriends sister is pretty hot, maybe I should have one more c**...". He buys the c**... and leaves the store, but on the way out, He turns around and says "now I think about it, her mom is pretty hot as well, let me get one last c**...". He buys the c**... and then leaves the store.
Later that day, at his girlfriends place, they sit at the table, the whole family, (the man, the girlfriend, her Sister, her mom and her dad). The man is sitting in praying position with his hands folded in front of his face, looking down at the table. His girlfriend then whispers to him "I didn't know you were religious", the man answers "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist"
As I was leaving home to start a new life for myself
As I was leaving home to start a new life for myself across the country my mom said" Don't forget to write!"
I thought "That's unlikely... It's a basic skill,isn't it?"
p**... Training
Little Johnny was just being p**... trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull f**... back
4. Pee
5. Push f**... forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did a good job.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?
I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."
A mom buys an old parrot from a w**.....
A mom buys an old parrot in a w**... and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet.
As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter.
Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter.
Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"
Mom asked, "Are you going to see the new Michael Moore documentary?"
Wife replied, "Magic Mike XXL?"
I know we get a lot of dad jokes...here's a mom one
What did Captain Picard say when he saw the new sewing machine?
Make it sew!
My mom wants a new cooking skillet for Christmas.
I haven't got the dough, but oh well, we'll see how things pan out.
My mom's in New Zealand, and just texted to tell she's 12 hours ahead
Anyone wanna know what happens in the future?
My mom had something important to tell me
Me: "What is it Mom?"
Mom: "You were adopted."
Me: "Wow. That explains a lot...I had a suspicion."
Mom: "Pack your bags. Your new family gets here in 10 minutes."
Two girlfriends
Girlfriend: "Wow, your new baby is sooooo cute, he looks just like his dad"
Mom: "Thank you, but please don't tell my husband"
Brad and Stephanie decided..
..that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon q**... with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and ask him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having s**...."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled dad asked. "Their son Charlie is standing out on the balcony too," replied the boy.
A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"
I found some fast acting beard growing cream called "magic beard"
Being the joker In the family I smeared a bunch of it in my mom's p**.......
You should see my little brother's new beard
A young lady isplanning for her honeymoon...
She asked her mom to buy her a long blue negligee for her wedding night, iron it, and pack it neatly in her suitcase. Upon arriving in the honeymoon suite with her new husband, the shy virgins prepare for romance. He says I'll go in the bathroom to get undressed- no peeking. . She opens her suitcase to find that her mom did not follow ANY of her instructions.
She holds up a small wadded up rose color teddy. Dang it! she says. it's short, pink and wrinkled!! From the bathroom, her husband says: I told you not to peek!!!
What do the new iPhone and your mom have in common?
I can turn them both on just by looking at them
A family moves into their new house.
Grandma comes for a visit and asks the youngest child, a five-year-old, how he likes the new place. It's terrific, he says. I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.
I ran into a complete stranger at my mom's annual New Years party.
I had never seen him before, so I asked him how he knew my mom. He said he had met her earlier in the day. Apparently, my mom was worried that the overall environment of the party wouldn't be as cool as she had hoped for, so she hired a professional to gauge the room.
I was absolutely disgusted.
I had found my mom's v**... rater.
Mike joins a new school.
After school is over he returns home to his mother.
Mom: So Mike, how was your day today?
Mike: It was great! We learned about explosive materials in our lab today.
Mom: That sounds interesting, so what will you learn in school tomorrow?
Mike: What school?
The Falcon Heavy is now the world's most powerful rocket
The Falcon Heavy can put around 140,000 pounds of cargo into lower Earth orbit, more than twice as much weight as any other operational rocket. This powerful vehicle could open up entirely new types of business for SpaceX: launching heavy national security satellites or even sending large modules or your mom into deep space.
A New Yorker calls his mother who lives in Florida. She answers the phone with a very weak-sounding voice.
"Mom, you don't sound so good. What's wrong?"
Very feebly she answers, "I haven't eaten in quite some time."
"How long has it been, Mom?"
"My last meal was 26 days ago."
"26 Days!? How come?"
"I didn't want to be caught with food in my mouth when you called."
My Mom's Horse
My Mom originally had a horse named Fandango. Later she got new horse named Noble. That Day I asked her, "Did they sell you fake tickets?"
So my kid walks inside and says,
'Hey mom, can we get one of those new chicken proof lawns for the backyard? I hear they're impeccable".
Two siblings, a boy and a girl opens their Christmas presents
The boy received a football hat while the girl received a wonderful gold necklace.
The next year, the boy received a puzzle and the girl received an new wardrobe full of clothes.
And the next year again, the boy finds out he got a cheap chinese phone while his sister received an iPhone X.
So this year, after the opening, the girl says: "Haha! mom and dad loves me more!"
The boy replies: "Haha! I don't have a tumor"
A philosopher's teenage son goes to tell his parents about his new girlfriend
Mom, dad, I did it! I finally got my first girlfriend!
Proud of you champ. You finally left the platonic cave.
My mom sent me a pic of the new Single Sign On page at her work.
I said "Wow, that's a picasso".
John's new baby brother was screaming up a storm
John: Where did we get him, Mom?
Mother: He came from heaven, John.
John: Wow! I can see why they threw him out!
Why was the new born baby crying in his anti vax mom hands
He was having a mid life crisis
My mom wont let me go see the new pirate movie...
Because its rated NC-17 for all of the b**... it shows the pirates fighting over.
What does your moms relationship with the U.S. Military and the new Black Mirror show have in common?
They both Bandersnatch.
Ole came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Vere did you get da money for da bike? Dat musta cost $500," he asked.
"It was easy, Dad," little Lars replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Lars," Ole said. "Tell me da truth."
"Dat is da truth Dad!" Lars replied.
"Every night you ver gone, Sven, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $10 bill and tell me ta take a hike.
My mom and dad were both ladders.
Things were pretty great until they got divorced. It was rough at first until they both remarried and I got two new step ladders.
A new couple buys a new house, and the husband tells his wife to make dinner for him.
The wife refuses, so the man tells his wife:
If you don't make me dinner I will do to you what my dad did to my mom when she didn't make dinner.
The next day the man says the same thing:
If you don't make me dinner I will do to you what my dad did to my mom when she didn't make dinner.
This went on for about a month until the wife asks her husband what his dad did to his mom.
Husband: he went to sleep without dinner.
The Tea Party
Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).
He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him more. After several cups of 'tea,' and much praise, Mom came home.
"Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.
"Isn't she just the cutest?"
Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"
A little girl asks her mom where babies come from.
The mom has been preparing for this so she explains the process using scientifically correct terms but in a way the young girl can understand. Afterwards she asks, "Do you have any questions?"
The little girl thinks for a few seconds and then says, "How does the daddy's s**... get into the mommy? Does she s**... it?"
"Sometimes," says the mom, "If she really wants some new jewelry."
Bride
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to f*c**..., mother," the bride-to-be interrupted.
"I want you to teach me your lasagna recipe."
My mother bought a new kind of dog food for our pet.
Mom: Did Fido enjoyed his food?
Me: I don't know.
Mom: I thought you fed him and he finished his food?
Me: He did. But he never said he enjoyed it.
As a vegan mom, I prioritize maintaining a healthy lifestyle for me and my family, but keeping my kids active during quarantine isn't always easy, so we made up a new game...
The floor is ground beef!
My mom just got remarried and invited me over to meet her new husband.
When I got to her house, I found a strange man laying on the stairs to her porch. He looked up at me, grinned, and held out his hand. "Hi, I'm your new *step-*father."
A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.
His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"
"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"
A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"
The kid ignores him.
"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"
The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."
"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."
A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood
Who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
The beleaguered woman said, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."
My mom stole money from me to buy new countertops
She seriously needs to stop taking things for granite
A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.
His mother walks in. "Tommy, I want you to meet my new boyfriend".
"I've got a 3 kill streak leave me alone" he cries, eagerly gripping his controller.
A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey champ, how you doing?"
Tommy ignores him.
"Don't like champ, huh? How about ComptonProud69?"
Tommys head snaps eagerely. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..."
His eyes widened with stress, Tommy's face turning red. "It can't be" he exclaims.
"Roblox right? I told you I'd bang your mom"
A 10 year old protestant boy and a 10 year old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.
The girl says, "my mom will be really angry if my shoes get wet"
And so they both agree to remove their shoes prior to entering the water.
They wade into the water and it starts getting deeper. The boy "says well my mom will hate me if I ruin my new pants"
And so they remove their pants.
Once they ensure that every item of cloths is out of harms way... they take a good look at each other.
"Strange", the girl says, "I didn't think protestants and catholics were THAT different!"
