New Mercedes Jokes

What are some New Mercedes jokes?

Three men are talking at work the day after Christmas

It wasn't long before one of them starts bragging. "I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 6 seconds!"

"What is it?" The others ask.

"A brand new Mercedes!"


"Ha, but I've bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 3 seconds!" Said one of the others.

"What is it?" The first guy asks.

"A brand new Porsche!"


"You guys are pathetic." Said the third guy. "The present I've bought goes from 0 to 100 in half a second!"

"A scale."

Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.

The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."

"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"

A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes

However any of his wishes that are granted, also come true for all the politicians in the world times two.

**Genie:** What is your first wish?

**Man:** I want a million dollars.

**Genie:** You now have a million dollars and all the worlds politician now receive two million.

**Genie:** What is your second wish?

**Man:** I want a new Mercedes.

**Genie:** You now have a new Mercedes and all the worlds politician now receive two of them.

**Genie:** What is your third and final wish?

**Man:** I want to donate a kidney.

What a dumb blonde... wait...

*Blonde goes into a bank

Blonde: I need a loan for $5,000.

Bank-teller: We'll need some sort of deposit.

Blonde: Ok, here's the keys to my car (Mercedes-Benz S600)

*Blonde leaves

Bank-teller(laughing): She's so stupid! Leaving a $100,000 car as a deposit for a $5,000 loan.

*Bank-teller parks car in secret underground parking garage. Then he does research on the blonde and finds out she's a multimillionaire.

Bank-teller: She's an idiot! Why would she borrow $5,000 if she's a multimillionaire?


*Two weeks later

*Blonde comes back and pays bank-teller $5,000 with $15.41 interest

Bank-teller: Why would you borrow $5,000 and leave an expensive car here if you're a multimillionaire?

Blonde: Where else in New York City can you park a $100,000 car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it not to get stolen?

*

A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes.

However any of his wishes that are granted will also come true for all the
politicians in the world times two.

Genie: What is your first wish?

Man: I want a million dollars.

Genie: You now have a million dollars and all the world's politicians now
receive two million. What is your second wish?

Man: I want a new Mercedes.

Genie: You now have a new Mercedes and all the world's politicians now receive
two of them. What is your third and final wish?

Man: I want to donate a kidney.

Irish Prostitute- An old joke but still good!

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.


Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?


The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."


"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."


"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."


"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."


Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.


Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.


"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

My friend ran into a tree with his brand new car...

He found out his Mercedes bends

The Perfect Husband.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: Hello?

WOMAN: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?

MAN: Yes.

WOMAN: I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only Rs. 25,000. Is it OK if I buy it?

MAN: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.

MAN: How much?

WOMAN: Rs. 55,40,000.β€³

MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing… the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking Rs. 1,95,00,000β€³

MAN: Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of Rs. 1,50,00,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 45 lakhs if it's really a pretty good price.

WOMAN: Ok. I'll see you later! I love you so much!

MAN: Bye! I love you, too.

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

smart blonde joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Hopefully this isn't a repost, but I love this one.

A group of men are changing in locker room at a golf club. Suddenly a cell phone on the bench starts to ring, and a man puts it on speaker phone as he continues getting dressed. He says "Hello?", the woman on the other line says "Honey, it's me. Are you still at the golf club?"

"Yeah, what's going on?"

"I'm out shopping and found this great new leather coat, and it's only $500 dollars, can I get it?"

"Sure, if you like it"

"Thank you! I was also at the dealership earlier and saw the new Mercedes models, and there is one that's absolutely gorgeous, and I really want it!"

"How much is it?"

"About $80,000..."

"Alright, but for that price I want all the extra options included."

"Great! One other thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market, but they're asking for 1,500,000."

"Well, go ahead and make them an offer, but don't go above 1,250,000."

"Really? Okay! I love you, see you later!"

"Love you too."

The rest of the men in the club stare at him wide eyed. As he hangs up the phone he looks at the men and asks "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Hitler and the Jew

My grandfather gave me this book when I was younger, It is called The Book of Jewish Humor (or something similar). Here is one of my favorite jokes:
--------------------------------------------------------
During WW2, in Germany, a Jewish man was walking down the street. As ordered by the Nazi's, he was forced to wear a star on his lapel, to signify that he was a Jew.

Meanwhile, Hitler had recently bought a new Mercedes, and was cruising around in his sleek new car. As he went down the street he decided to put his new car through its paces, and pushed the pedal to the floor. He was going faster than any other car on the road, and his protection detail had given up trying to follow him. All of a sudden, his car hit a puddle, and Hitler lost control. As he careened off the road, he narrowly missed hitting the Jewish man, and instead ran into a building.

The Jewish man, seeing the car crash ran to the scene, and quickly freed Hitler, who had been trapped under his car. The instant he saw who it was, he gasped, and took a step back.

Hitler, seeing the man who rescued him quickly went over and said
"Thank you so much for saving my life! I don't care if you are a Jew, you have rescued me and can have anything that you want, just name it!"

The man thought for a little while, and after a long pause said "Please, don't tell anyone..."

Toll Joke my buddy made up.

A young new toll operator is having his first day on the job with a skilled veteran of the booth. As they work in their conjoined shift, the veteran points out a gold Mercedes pulling up in the toll line. The Veteran nudges the kid and says " Dat guy dere ain't gone pay his full toll. " the young new worker looks at his predecessor like he's crazy. As the car pulls up, the driver is furiously digging for change. "I am so sorry! All I have is 73 cents!" The driver exclaimed. The Veteran nods him through anyway and then turns to the incredulous newbie and says "Toll jew"

A man and his wife are walking down a beach

when suddenly they come across a magic lantern. The man goes ahead and rubs the lantern, and out comes a genie. "Greetings. I am here to grant you three wishing and three wishes only. No more, nor less", says the genie. "However, everything you wish for, your wife will receive double." The man then thinks for a moment and decides what he wants to wish for. First he wishes for a beautiful mansion. The genie grants his wish, and gives his wife two beautiful mansions. The man then wishes for a brand new Mercedes. The genie grants his wish, and gives his wife two brand new Mercedes. Now the man only has one more wish, so he thinks for a moment on what he wants to wish for. He then tells the genie, "I wish to be beaten half to death".

There is a terrible head-on collision on a winding Russian road

Both cars, a brand new Mercedes and an old Zhiguli, are absolutely totaled, but fortunately both drivers are relatively unscathed.

The owner of the Mercedes looks sadly at the wreckage and moans, "My brand new car! I was saving money all year to buy it, and here it is, destroyed barely a month later."

The owner of the Zhiguli nods sadly and sighs, "Yeah. I had to save money for 15 years to buy mine."

I got pulled over the other day

So I was driving down the highway in my new Mercedes doin' about 80mph. I see red and blue flashin' lights in my rear-view mirror. I think to myself, 'I'm in a new Mercedes! Who could catch me?' So I start speedin' up 90mph, 100mph, 110mph, 120mph. He's still there. So I pull over and the cop takes my license and papers without sayin' a word. He comes back and says, "I've been pulling people over all day for speeding. If you can give me an excuse that I haven't heard, I'll let you go." So I sit there for a second then say to the officer, "Well, sir, my wife left me to live with a police officer the other day. So I thought you were trying to give her back!"

Will the Christmas Genie solve all your problems?

A man is sitting in his living room. His wife is sound asleep in the bedroom and he is contemplating his life after yet another argument that has left him on the couch.

The Christmas genie appears before him and offers him three wishes with the caveat that whatever he wishes for will go double for his wife. The man thinks for a moment and wishes for a million dollars...
Proof! $1,000,000 appears before him and $2,000,000 appears next to his wife.

For his next wish the man asks for a new Mercedes. Instantly a new Mercedes appears in front of his home, but two then appear for his wife in the driveway.

It's now down to his last wish...... The man thinks for several minutes and stares intently into the genie's eyes and says: "I wish for you to beat me *half* to death. "

A Prince buys his son a golden Mercedes for college in New York city.

"But dad, I'm embarassed 'cause everyone here uses the subway."

"Well why don't you buy one for yourself son?"

The Vicar's Salary

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store.


He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him.
But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help.
She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, β€œOscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!”
β€œDear God! Did you try to stop him?”
β€œNo,” she said, β€œI did better than that! I got the license plate number!”

There was this nouveau riche blond girl, who went to the nearest Mercedes showroom with a pocketful of dollars, and came out with the latest model.
Half an hour later she was back at the showroom, claiming a that the car they sold her was terrible, that she was disappointed a brand-new Mercedes would get a fault in the gearbox after 15 minutes.
The management apologized and gave her a new car.
Again, after half an hour she came back.
The management offered her a new car, but sent along one of their engineers to see if they could figure out what the problem was.
She put in the first gear...speed up...put in second...third...fourth...fifth...
β€œAnd now,” she said, β€œfor the rocket,” and threw it in reverse.

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.


β€œWould you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.
β€œNot really,” says Mary.
β€œWell how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
β€œNo,” she responds.
β€œWhat about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a, β€œNo thanks.”
Frustrated he finally asks, β€œWell what would you like for your anniversary?”
β€œJohn, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
John thinks for a moment and replies β€œSorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”

How to make New Mercedes jokes?

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