New Kid Jokes
130 new kid jokes and hilarious new kid puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new kid that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest New Kid Short Jokes
Short new kid jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new kid humour may include short young kid jokes also.
- When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead
- Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today. Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.
Myneckisaur.
This is my first dad joke post :) - My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed He was going to tell his parents
- Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today. Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur.
- Yay got a PS5 for my kid. She cried a bit when I left but I'm sure her new parents will love her.
- My kid is an amputee. For xmas I got her a new prosthetic leg. It's just a stocking filler
- Apple So Apple was making a new touchscreen for kids , it didn't go well because of the name , iTouch Kids
- When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
- Did you hear about the new Black Barbie? It comes with 12 kids, AIDS and a welfare check.
- Apple wanted to launch a new product directed at children. In retrospect, it was probably not the best idea to call it "iTouch Kids".
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New Kid One Liners
Which new kid one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new kid? I can suggest the ones about random kid and new hire.
- What do anti-vax kids and unfunny jokes have in common? They both die in new.
- Kim and Kanye's kid launched a new perfume in her own name. North—by North West.
- Subway released their new kids menu. They say it's Jared's favorite.
- Have you heard of the new hit dance called the corona Shuffle? All the kids say it sick.
- Have you heard of this new paraplegic juicy juice? It's 50% juice for 50% kids.
- What's the thing my memes and an antivax kid have in common? They both die in new
- Some kids were making fun of the new Spanish guy. I said, "Olé off him."
- You guys hear about that band from Alaska? They are called New Block On the Kids.
- My wifes New Year resolution is that I spend more time with the kids
- A new study shows anti vaxed kids never get autism. They die before signs could show.
- Did you hear about the up and coming Nepalese boy band? New Blocks on the Kids.
- Hey did you guys hear about the new Apple Watch? They're making one for kids.
- There is a therapy group at school for kids who are bullied. I'm helping new members join
- I showed some Syrian kids my new drone today. They were all blown away by it.
- What day of the week do New York families play with their kids? Toysday
New Kid Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about new kid you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new recruit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new kid pranks.
Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour?
Pupil: Because it can’t sit down!
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Pupil: That’s not fair!
You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!
Did you hear about the new Exorcist Movie?
They got the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child.
Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks.
"Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!"
I figure I might need a new kidney in 30 years, so I've decided to have a kid.
Did y'all hear about the new Exorcist movie? Apparently there's a twist.
The devil comes to take the priest out of the kid.
Comment found on an FB
pic of a new born baby
"Hey kid, Spoiler Alert: Life s**...."
What's in a name?
A woman sits down next to another mother on a park bench as their kids played together on a playground in Keswick, and they got to talking.
The woman was astonished that the other Mom had eleven children, all named Jayden.
Why did you call all your kids Jayden?" she asked her new friend.
"It's a great time-saver, I can just yell JAYDEN, time for bed", and they all will come running".
A perplexed look crossed the face of the first woman But don't you find it a little confusing? What if you only wanted to call one specific child, the second youngest, or the oldest? How do you get just their attention?
Simple… said the mother of eleven …then I just call them by their LAST names
The mailman
A mailman gets a new route in a rural community. Walking up to a isolated little farmhouse, he sees a woman out back getting hammered by a goat.
He looks at the kid sitting on the porch, and asks him "Hey kid, doesn't it bother you, what your mom's doing back there?"
The kid looks at him and says "NAAAAAAA!"
Apple scraps a new product...
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented IPod after realizing that "ITouch Kids" is not a good product name.
One day a college professor was greeting his new college class...
He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a m**...,
and if they were, they should stand up.
After a minute a young man stood up.
The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a m**....
The kid replied,
'No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself'.
Mary and Sue are discussing good-looking boys in their high school.
Mary asks "Have you seen that new Mexican kid Amal Garcia?"
"Garcia?" Sue responds. "No, but I think I've seen his brother Juan"
Mary replies "They're identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"
A naughty child
A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York.
At last one man could stand it no longer.
"Hey kid," he shouted.
"Why don't you go outside and play?"
Woman buys parrot
A woman walks into a pet store, and is perusing through the various animals when she comes across one of the most beautiful parrots she has ever seen. She's taken aback by the tropical beauty of this bird, and when she looks on the price tag on the cage it says 50$. The woman turns to the man at the front counter and asks "Why is a bird this beautiful being sold for this little?" The man looks up and says "Oh, that bird was originally kept in a house of prostitution, and boy does he have a mouth". The woman takes the words to heart but buys the bird anyway. She buys it, and takes it home with her. She puts the bird in the living room. Suddenly the bird squawks "NEW HOUSE NEW MADAME!" The woman is put off by this but she figures that in a few days the bird will get over it. Her daughters come home from school and the bird speaks again "NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAME, NEW GIRLS!" Again the woman is off put but she assures her kids that the bird will grow out of its old habits. The woman's husband gets back in from a day at work. The parrot takes one look at him and squawks:
"HI GARY!!"
A Texas Salesman
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"One."
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$79,237.64."
His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
The Good Old Days!
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular to his grandson.
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!
"Grandson, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."
3 jewish moms
3 moms are talking about their sons:
The first one says "my son is so rich that he can buy Paris!", the second one answers "are you kidding me? Mine is so rich that he can buy Paris AND New York!", the third one looks at them and seems surprised, then she says: "and what makes you think my son wants to sell???"
What is the best offensive joke you have? Can you make me laugh?
Read all the other threads. I need new content. The old stuff is getting, well old.
Here's my contribution.
Have you head of the new drinking game?
The mike brown special: stand there and take 12 shots.
What's the difference between mike brown and a college kid? College kids can handle more shots before they fall down.
Greeting the new student
So a new student named Dillon walks into class for his very first day of school. All the other children were talking to their friends, while he had none to talk to. But, one of the kids walked up to him and began the conversation-
Child: "Hi, im Nick, whats your name?"
Dillon: "My names Dillon"
Nick: "Thats a cool name, Mind if I call you Dill for short?"
Dillon: "I wouldnt advise doing that"
Nick: "Why so?"
Dillon: "Because my last name is Do"
When you become a dad
A proud new dad sits down to have a drink with his father "Well son, now that you've got kids of your own, I think it's time I give you this"
"Dad you don't mean..."
"Yes son, I do" Dad pulls out a copy of 1001 dad jokes, 5th edition "Dad I'm honoured...", he says, tears sparkling in his eyes. "Hi honoured", replies his father, "I'm dad".
Santa Claus is reading letters from kids
Santa opens first letter: Oh Peter from USA needs new iPad.
Santa opens second letter: Oh Naomi from Japan needs new Samsung phone.
Santa opens third letter: Oh Isa Ahmed from Nigeria wants me to help him to get 32 million dollars out of the country.
In a short-sighted rushed effort to reboot the iTouch product Apple decided to market it to schools. Apple named their new product iTouch Kids. It didn't go over well...
It did great in the 12-25 prison stint group though.
The dog from Air Bud is in a new movie helping deaf kids play sports.
It's called Ear Bud.
about Jared admitting and Subway
I hear Subway is having a new promotion. They're giving away a six-inch with every kids meal.
Apple is trying to market its new iPod to the lower demographic with a newly named device ...
... however they decided "iTouch Kids" was not a good name.
You hear the one about the kid who was born with no eyelids?
The doctor was able to make new ones for him with the kid's f**.... When the parents asked if he'll be fine, the doctor replied, "Oh he'll be fine, he'll just be a little c**...-eyed."
The new film coming out about a kid with cerebral palsy isn't doing well with critics . . . . .
It gets off to a shaky start then ends up falling flat on it's face
Who's your daddy?
A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee
It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit
"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked
"I have no job" he replied
"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"
"God will provide, I'm sure" was the answer from the intended
"And how exactly will he do that then?"
"God is merciful and will ensure we do not want" he said with all sincerity
"And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?"
"God will ensure he provides bounty for the whole family"
"OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?"
"I don't know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways"
At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,
"What's up friend? You seem troubled"
"Well, I've just met my girl's new fiancé"
"Oh man, bad news?"
"Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I'm God..."
A doctor brings new born baby to father
Doctor walks up to the father with baby in arms. He starts repeatedly punching it, k**... it and then throws it in the ground and stomps on it. The father was in shock with his jaw dropped. The doctor then says "just kidding, it was already dead"
My new girlfriend asked me how I felt about kids.
With my hands was apparently not the right answer.
Selling Condoms
An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the c**... display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.
The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.
So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"
The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."
What do Jewish kids say to their Christian friends at Christmas?
Sorry we killed your saviour, can we play with his new toys.
It's time to start thinking of my New Year's resolution!
This year I'm going to...no, I don't have that much time. I'm stopping...no, I still like doing that. Well, I'll....who am I kidding?
Is there really racial inequality in America?
Because in my neighbourhood as a kid, EVERY time a white kid got a new bike, a black kid got a new bike.
Did you hear about that kid who was born with no eyelids?
They made him new eyelids from his circumcision. He's fine, just a little cockeyed.
I was amazed
As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.
A new study came out today showing that kids who are NOT vaccinated are actually more likely to have autism.
Turns out autism is hereditary.
Shoot the kids, hang the parents, frame grandpa...
I tried to tell Rob the slogan for his new photography business needed fixing but he wasn't having any of it.
There was a kid that was born with no eyelids.
The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids.
It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little c**...-eyed
My wife's in a wedding this weekend so I'm stuck with the kids.
I wish her the best in her new life.
A Bass Teacher is excited about getting a new, young student.
The kid is comes in for his first lesson and learns all the notes on the E string.
Next week he comes in and the instructor shows him all of the notes on the A string.
The third week comes, the teacher is waiting, but the kid never shows up. Annoyed, he calls him to see where he is.
The kid picks up and says,
"Oh, sorry man, I got a gig..."
Have you heard of the Chinese Military's new strategy?
They're sending kids into battle and winning! Who knew that youth in Asia could be so lethal!
A kid was born without eyelids.
Don't worry the doctor assured the father.
When we circumcise him we will use the skin to make him new eyelids. After the procedure the father is with the doctor. Well what do you think of the procedure? asks the doctor. I don't know? Does he look a little cockeyed to you?
Everybody really loves the new "IT" movie.
But when I dress up as a clown, and lure kids into the sewer with red balloons I get diagnosed as a psychopath.
While helping some freshmen check into their dorms at our state college I overheard a couple of new co-eds rate me as a six.
It really saddens me that our public school systems are only teaching kids to count to six.
I was watching TV when my kid asked...
Kid: What channel is New g**...?
Me: Deschanel
A priest took a group of kids to a new Disney movie
"Aladdin Me"
I don't see the hype in the big, new trend everyone is playing.
I had fort night with my kids and they got bored with it pretty quick.
TIL it's ok to tell my new neighbor family that I like kids , but not I like 10-year olds .
I know! It's confusing to you, too, right?
Have you heard of the new movie "Constapation"?
No?
Probably because it hasn't come out yet.
Told to me by a kid in elementary school.
Please stand up
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is s**... please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a m**...?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
A new study shows that if your parents didn't have kids,
you're less likely to have kids, too.
Why is Kanye West the new Michael Jackson?
Because he started out as a prodigious black artist, but now he's creepy, turning white and he can't name his kids right either.
My liberal friends really love their new iPhone.
Made by kids in China, from rare metals, mined by slaves, from a company that pays no tax.
In high school they called me Mr. Oblivious. So when I noticed the new kid with his fancy gear walk in I called him "Mr.Big Shot".
That compliment spared me from the school shooting
I think my new black neighbours are pretty poor....
you should have heard the fuss they made when their 2 year old kid swallowed a 10 pence coin earlier.
I recently bought a new Rolex and my son dropped it and broke it. Anyway,I am having a giveaway
The kid is 9 years old, tall and cute.
So my kid walks inside and says,
'Hey mom, can we get one of those new chicken proof lawns for the backyard? I hear they're impeccable".
When I was a kid living with my parents, I remember when my dad gave me money to pay the utilities one day
On impulse, I decided to buy scratch-offs. When I got home I explained *'but we could get a new car when we win!'*, he ended up beating me.
The next day, we woke up to a new truck outside our house and everyone was crying. Myself in particular, because the new truck was from the Utilities company, coming to shutoff the water. So my dad beat me again.
It still Hertz to this day.
Did you hear about the kid born without eyelids?
Doctors were doing a circumcision anyways and used the f**... for new eyelids.
Don't worry, he's fine. He's just little cockeyed now.
A new boy has just enrolled at school and the teacher remarked on his unusual name, Aday.
I've never heard that name before, she said
My father thought of it, said the boy.
I was the 10th kid in our family, and when I was born, Dad said: 'For cryin' our loud, let's call it a day!'
My kid broke my brand new iPhone, so I'm giving it away for free.
He can do a few chores, and is okay with pets.
A new kid walks in.
The teacher calls out on him.
Teacher: Jon!
Kid: I go by my middle name.
Teacher: What's your middle name?
Kid: D
Teacher: So Big D or Little D?
Kid: Missing D.
I was explaining puns to my 8yo kid and we collaborated on a new joke
What's another term for a reading lamp?
A TALE LIGHT!
🤣🤣🤣
I overheard some kid on the bus say that 6ix9ines new album is good.
I guess he's 'STOOPID'
I met this little boy today who told me he is starting at a new school tomorrow and was afraid that the other kids would bully him.
I told him, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize. Why would anyone pick on you?"
Blonde dropped and cracked her phone screen.
Blonde 1: "Hey, I dropped my phone and the screen is cracked. Will they be able to fix this?"
Blonde 2: "Is it that bad?"
Blonde 1:: "See for yourself. I'll send you a screen shot."
\*After seeing the screenshot\*
Blonde 2: "Are you kidding me?"
Blonde 1:: "..."
Blonde 2: "This looks brand new."
