new job Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious new job puns

CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".



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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"



I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus."

"A miracle?!" he laughed.

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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At the interview for my new job I was asked

"What would your friends say are your weaknesses?"

"I don't have any!" Was my reply.

The interviewer seemed a little surprised and answered: "That can't be true. Everybody has some weak points."

Whereupon I said: "Oh no. You got that wrong. I meant I don't have any friends."

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At my new job I have 500 people under me.

I mow grass at a cemetery.

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"If you win the lottery,

the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.







"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.







"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.







"My point exactly."

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I got fired on the first day of my new job for asking customers if they would prefer "Smoking or Non-Smoking."

Apparently, the correct phrase is, "Cremation or Burial."

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I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

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The internet is an amazing thing.

One minute I'm at work looking up
random pages, passing the time, the
next minute I'm at home looking for a new job.

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I got a new job circumcizing elephants

The pay isn't great but the tips are enormous

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The internet is amazing

One minute you're at work looking at random webpages; the next, you're at home looking for a new job

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wife's insisting to quit job

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...

I work in a hammer factory.

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68

A man urges his wife to try a new sex position - The . Curious, she asks about what romantic and exotic position her husband wants to try. "Well honey" he answers, "it's quite simple, you give me a blow job, and I owe you one"

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I got a new job at a quarry today, and the foreman was showing me around when

I saw this huge rock. I told him, "Wow! That's a really big rock!"
"Boulder." He says.
**"WOW!!!! THATS A REALLY MASSIVE ROCK,"** I say while puffing my chest out.

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My friend exclaimed, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it!?" I grumbled, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "What, a miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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I just got a new job at a prison library.

It has its prose and cons.

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Can't Hold a Job

Bubba thought his new girlfriend might be the
one but after looking through her knicker drawer
and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's
outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally
decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him

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Son is asking his dad for money to buy new glasses

Son: Dad my glasses broke i need new one

Dad: Get a job and buy them yourself. What do i look like, a bank?

Son: I don't know i can't f*cking see!

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A woman's husband dies and gets cremated

She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"

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Sexism in today's society.

It's disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in today's society.

One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! "A fucking sandwich!" Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot; she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Fucking Subway!

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Who the hell names food anyway?

I recently started a new job and soon realized that some crazy fool was giving names to all of the food in the break room refrigerator.

Today I had a tuna sandwich named 'Bob'.

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A blonde strolls into her new office job at 10:30

The manager comes up to her and says, "you should have been here at nine o'clock," to which the blonde responds "why what happened?"

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First day on the new job, Boss says "We're going to give a drug test"

and I said "Great, I know all about drugs."

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Its disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in todays society...

One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Fucking Subway...

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A seventh grader was sent home from school for fucking his teacher.

His mother demanded his father ground him, but the father, instead, said, "Good job, son! I didn't fuck my teacher until I was a Sophomore. Come on, let's go get you that bike you wanted."

And so they went and got him his bike. As they were going back home, the father said, "Why don't you ride your new bike back home?"

"No, thanks. My ass is still sore."

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New job

I recently got a new job assisting a one-armed typist with capital letters. It was shift work

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I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

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My husband doesn't like my new job as a librarian in the prison.

He says it has more cons than prose

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A woman marries a lawyer

During the wedding night, she says to her husband:

- I have a confession to make. I am still a virgin.

- How is that possible? You have been married 3 more times.

- Well, my first husband was a politician. He kept describing how grand the act would be, but never actually did it. My second husband was a ceo. He knew what needed to be done, but was unsure whose job it was. Finally, my third husband was an engineer. He said he knew the basics, but needed 3 years to research, develop and implement a new advanced method. They are the reason I married you.

- What do you mean?

- Well, with a lawyer, one way or the other, I am bound to get fucked.

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Tree fellers.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are starting their new jobs as lumberjacks. Each are given a chainsaw and are told to record how many trees they cut down each day.

At the end of the first day, the Englishman and Scotsman cut down 60 but the Irishman was way behind on 10. Their boss thought he would give the Irishman another chance so the three men went to work the next day. Yet again, at the end of the day, the Englishman and Scotsman cut down 60 but the Irishman was still on 10.

This prompted the boss to approach the Irishman and demand why he was lagging behind. The Irishman replied, 'Sorry sir, but I can't cut down more than 10 trees a day with this saw.' So the boss took the chainsaw to see if there was anything wrong with it. As soon as he pulled the cord the Irishman jumped with fright and exclaimed, 'What the feck is that noise?!'

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A Texas Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"

"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

"One."

"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$79,237.64."

His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

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Wine Taster!

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Marine A-4 pilot drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink.

The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass."

"It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it, "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma-"

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!" The driver abruptly hit the breaks.

"Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet."

"What did you do before this?"

"I drove a hearse."

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What are the most funny New Job jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about New Job? Well, here are the best New Job dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and New Job pick up lines to share with friends.

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