New House Jokes
113 new house jokes and hilarious new house puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new house that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest New House Short Jokes
Short new house jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new house humour may include short house for sale jokes also.
- How many apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
- Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door. That way, I always make a grand entrance.
- When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party. Now I'm homeless.
- I was disappointed to have to pay for my new roof they promised me it would be on the house
- The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
- There's a new restaurant made out of a life-sized gingerbread house in town. I wonder if they serve children there.
- If Trump replaces Obama in the white house, then we can all say... Orange is the new Black.
Thanks, ~~I'll see myself out.~~ Apparently, I don't need to. - A man was walking through town when he noticed a guy working on a fence by their house. "Making a new fence?" the man asked. The guy responded "Nah." "Just a repost."
- TIL you need an Act of Congress to move some pieces of furniture in the White House. Approving new Cabinet positions is such a drag.
- I bought a new heater for my wife, as she is constantly complaining about how cold our house is. She didn't like it at first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
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New House One Liners
Which new house one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new house? I can suggest the ones about moving house and buying a house.
- I bought a new thesaurus It's nothing to write house about
- Orange is the new Black. in the white house.
- How much is it for a new chimney? Nothing, it's on the house!
- Threw my new neighbors a house-warming party... The police called it arson. Whatever...
- Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app. It just sent an ambulance to my house.
- Just bought a new house in france It's absolutely amaison
- Al-Qaeda captured a new place to house their men... It was a hostel takeover
- Have you seen Stevie wonders new house? He hasn't either
- Bill Gates How does Bill Gates fix a broken lightbulb?
He buys a new house. - I traded a free psychic reading for a new house. Cost me a fortune.
- Breaking: Full House Actress Takes On Unexpected New Role. The Big House
- I moved into a new house with two dishwashers! My girlfriend and the other one.
- How do the Kardashians change a broken light bulb They buy a new house
- My Mom's new favorite thing is renovating spherical homes She's on a round house kick.
- Saw a new brothel opened up close to my house The flashing sign says Electronic Arts
New House Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about new house you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new job jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new house pranks.
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh.
No, I wouldn't, he said.
She said, I sell tampons.
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, See, I knew you would laugh.
That's not what I'm laughing at, he replied. I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!
A woman buys a talking parrot that belonged to a brothel house before.She takes the parrot home:
"Oh, new brothel, new dames...cooool ".After a while the daughters come home. The parrot:" Oh, new brothel, new h**......cooool. "After a while husband comes home. The parrot: "oh, new brothel, new h**..., old friends...hello Bob."
Memory Lane...
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Engineering student show up to his lab partner's house with a new bike...
His partner says, "wow.. that's a pretty nice bike you got there."
Engineering student says, "yeah, I was outside my dorm last night when a co-ed rode up on it. She was really drunk. She threw the bike on the ground and took off all of her clothes and said 'you can have whatever you want.'"
Partner says, "it's a good thing you chose the bike... I don't think the clothes would have fit you."
r**... Logic Joke
Two r**..., Hunter and c**... decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the c**... asked.
The counselor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a w**... eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the counselor.
"That's real good!" said c**....
The counselor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, c**... said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
c**... was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the counselor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
c**..., proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Hunter was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked Hunter.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied c**....
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked Hunter.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a w**... eater?" asked c**....
"No," Hunter replied.
"Then you're gay."
A married couple is having a baby...
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
My wife ran into the house...
"Guess what!" she said, "I got a new job down the street on the corner.''
''What!'' I replied, ''It better not be what I think it is!...You'll bring shame on the family!.. What will the neighbours say?"
''No, no, stop worrying'' she said reassuring me, ''Not in the Tescos!..... I'm gonna be a p**...!!
For weeks, Tommy was telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister who was going to be coming to his house soon.
One day at home, Tommy's mother let him feel the baby k**.... Tommy didn't say anything, and he stopped talking about the baby at school. Finally the teacher sat Tommy down and said, "Whatever happened to your new baby sister?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think my mummy ate her!"
Sorry in advance for the pun...
So they opened a new zoo by my house, it really s**.... They only have one dog....it's a total shih tzu.
Wife's Duties
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties at home.
The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was cleaned and the dishes were done, and food was on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.
A funny joke indeed
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was n**...."
New Old House
While carpenters were busy working outside the old house I just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workers came in and asked to use the washroom. I looked at his muddy boots and said "Just wait a second, Ill grab some newspapers"
"That's alright lady," he responded, "I'm already trained."
Woman buys parrot
A woman walks into a pet store, and is perusing through the various animals when she comes across one of the most beautiful parrots she has ever seen. She's taken aback by the tropical beauty of this bird, and when she looks on the price tag on the cage it says 50$. The woman turns to the man at the front counter and asks "Why is a bird this beautiful being sold for this little?" The man looks up and says "Oh, that bird was originally kept in a house of prostitution, and boy does he have a mouth". The woman takes the words to heart but buys the bird anyway. She buys it, and takes it home with her. She puts the bird in the living room. Suddenly the bird squawks "NEW HOUSE NEW MADAME!" The woman is put off by this but she figures that in a few days the bird will get over it. Her daughters come home from school and the bird speaks again "NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAME, NEW GIRLS!" Again the woman is off put but she assures her kids that the bird will grow out of its old habits. The woman's husband gets back in from a day at work. The parrot takes one look at him and squawks:
"HI GARY!!"
If I die...
If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.
"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"
"Would she live in my house?"
"It's all paid up, so yes."
"Would she drive my car?"
"It's new, so yes."
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"No. She's left-handed."
A man enters a pet shop...
...and wants to buy a polar bear. The shop assistant takes the man to the bear's cage and says: "The polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, don't touch his nose."
The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK. Until the man can't no longer withstand: "I have to try what happens, when I touch his nose!" So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.
Finally the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him. With his paw the bear taps the man's shoulder and says: "You are it!"
An elderly couple is taking a Sunday drive on I-80
when the wife gets a call on her new-fangled cell-phone. Her daughter is frantic, "Mom, there is a lunatic driving the wrong way down the road on I-80 near your house!"
The wife turns to her husband and says, "Did you hear that? Some maniac is driving down the wrong side of the road!"
The husband screams, "One lunatic?! There are hundreds of them!"
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Four old guys go golfing...
And they start bragging about their sons.
The first says "My son is a lawyer, and he is doing so well, he just gave his friend a new car!"
The second says "My son is a doctor, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new boat!"
The third guy says "My son is an executive, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new house!"
The fourth guy says "Well, my son is a stripper at a gay club, but he must be doing pretty well because he just got a new car, a new boat, and a new house..."
A farmer has a new handsome assistant
A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The assistant returns and finds the farmers very pretty wife, along with the equally pretty daughter sitting in the kitchen. He tells them: "The farmer just said it would be alright if I had s**... with you right now!" The women look sceptical, so the assistant opens the window and shouts to the farmer: "Both?"
Farmer: "Of course both of them, what do you think?!"
The daughter of the house walks over to her mom and asks:
"Mom. Why is my name Leaf?"
Her mother answers:
"Well, that is because when you were a new born, a leaf landed on your head."
Later the oldest son asks:
"Mom. Why is my name Feather?"
"That is because when you were a new born, a feather landed on your head." The mother answers
Lastly the youngest son walks up to his mother and says: "Ihlaadskleblaødertmakusigalabongilahaudershirp!!"
The mother says: "Please be quiet, refrigerator"
A lady walks into a pet store...
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New w**... in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."
I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.
A mom buys an old parrot from a w**.....
A mom buys an old parrot in a w**... and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet.
As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter.
Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter.
Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"
I was having trouble settling into my new house, so I went to a therapist
He said I have an apartment complex
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app this morning...
...and it sent an ambulance to my house
Who's your daddy?
A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee
It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit
"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked
"I have no job" he replied
"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"
"God will provide, I'm sure" was the answer from the intended
"And how exactly will he do that then?"
"God is merciful and will ensure we do not want" he said with all sincerity
"And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?"
"God will ensure he provides bounty for the whole family"
"OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?"
"I don't know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways"
At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,
"What's up friend? You seem troubled"
"Well, I've just met my girl's new fiancé"
"Oh man, bad news?"
"Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I'm God..."
Two men go hunting......
o**... is looking through his new scope and says, "Hey I can see your house from here and your wife's cheating on ya." He buddy says, "I'm tired of her. Shoot her in the head and him in the private parts." He looks back and says, "I can get that in one shot."
Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses
He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''
Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you c**...''
Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House...
Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House, after three laps Trump excitedly yells "10 minutes exactly, well that has to be a new record!".
Obama says "I don't think so, Bush did 9:11".
A girl asked her brother If he could help her move her stuff to her new house and he refused and she asked him why
He said he couldn't be her brother and assister too
My wife bought a new plant for for the house. I didn't like it at first...
...but it's starting to grow on me.
Bob had forgotten his wedding anniversary and was in trouble.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
So, there are two men.
They know each other for years now. Frank, a brain surgeon from new york and Ahmad a former r**... from syria.
Both men want to build an house and decide to build their houses in the very same street, next to each other. They even ask the architect to just copy the first house!
And when the houses are built Ahmad says to Frank: "My house is worth more than yours."
"How can that be? We both live next to each other!"
"Yes"
"Our houses were built identically, with the same materials."
"True."
"So how can it be, Ahmad?"
"Very simple: I live next to a brain surgeon and you live next to a r**...!"
Why 6 was really afraid of 7
6 was just a normal girl, she met 7 on a dating app. They went out several times after that and a few dates later 7 proposed. 6 was ecstatic, they got married within the month and when they moved into a new house they quickly made friends with their neighbors, 9 and 10. 6 soon noticed strange behavior in 7, he was going out late at night to other people's houses. One night 6 saw 7 leave into the neighbors house. She decided to follow him in and was horrified. Blood stains led up to the darkened kitchen where she discovered some thing she could never unsee. 7 had done it. 7 8 9.
My friend who bought an old house says sometimes he hears a melancholy voice at night.
Particularly one that whispers, "Sigh, I guess these new tenants will have to do."
I told him to ignore the noises. That it's just natural. It's just the old house - settling.
A guy came to my house yesterday asking for donations for a new swimming pool
So I gave him a glass of water.
A poor farmer came to the Parliament house
A poor farmer came to the Parliament house in New Delhi to meet with an officer. He kept his bicycle near the high walls of the building and proceeded to the entrance.
The security guard came running towards him and hurriedly asked him to remove the bicycle.
This is a very prestigious place. High profile men, ministers and judges come here
The farmer innocently replied, I know that. I have locked my cycle, nobody can take it
Two guys from the 50's
Two guys from the 50's were talking out front of one's house.
The first neighbor says to the other, " what do you think of that new family, the Petrov's?"
The second neighbor looks at him and replies, " I don't know if they're commies Teddy, but they sure do raise a lot of red flags."
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday.
According to the Associated Press,
witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled,
overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.
9 is enough.
Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.
He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."
"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."
"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."
When I was a kid living with my parents, I remember when my dad gave me money to pay the utilities one day
On impulse, I decided to buy scratch-offs. When I got home I explained *'but we could get a new car when we win!'*, he ended up beating me.
The next day, we woke up to a new truck outside our house and everyone was crying. Myself in particular, because the new truck was from the Utilities company, coming to shutoff the water. So my dad beat me again.
It still Hertz to this day.
A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle's house.
A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle's house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century! The boy sagged in relief: Oh, good that it wasn't new.
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote Revelations 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it to the door.
When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had been returned. Along with the verse he had written, he found another cryptic message: Genesis 3:10 .
When he checked his Bible to discover what this could mean, the pastor began to chuckle.
Revelations 3:20 reads behold, I stand at the door and knock . Genesis 3:10 says, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was n**....
My friend bought a new house so I bought him an elephant for his room.
He said Thanks
I said Don't mention it .
10 ants were looking for a new place to live...
The 1 ant, 2 ant, and 3 ant bought houses in the country.
The 4 ant, 5 ant, and 6 ant bought houses in the city.
The 7 ant, 8 ant, and 9 ant bought houses at the beach.
The 10 ant decided to rent.
When I sold my house...
The new owner called me up and asked; "How much wallpaper did you buy when you did the living room?". "12 rolls" I answered.
Three days later I got another angry call. "You said you bought 12 rolls of wallpaper, but I only needed 7!". "Funny", I responded, "I had the same thing!"
I bumped into an old school friend the other day.
He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said great, I've got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied I've been using animal carcasses and boiling them down to a concentrate and selling that for a profit. I've made a killing on the stocks market.
A man walks into a pharmacy to buy some condoms
The pharmacist takes note and says Big night tonight eh?
The man responds Yeah, meeting the new girls' parents for dinner tonight and I'm trying to get lucky.
He heads to his girlfriend's house later that night and sits down before eating to pray.
And pray
And pray
After a few minutes his girlfriend leans over and says I didn't know you were so religious
He leans over and says I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
My mom just got remarried and invited me over to meet her new husband.
When I got to her house, I found a strange man laying on the stairs to her porch. He looked up at me, grinned, and held out his hand. "Hi, I'm your new *step-*father."
If I die first, will you remarry, asks the wife.
I'm in good health so why not, says the husband.
Will she live in this house
Its all paid for so yes.
Will she drive my car.
Its new so yes.
Will she use my golf clubs.
No, she's left handed.
Friday afternoon I'm walking home from school
and I'm watching some men build a new house. The guy hammering the house called me a paranoid little w**.... In morse code.
Was watching Netflix with my friend when the new sink I ordered finally reached my house.
So I said to him, "I'm going to pause to let that sink in".
The year is 1921. Eastern Poland, the new border with Russia is forming after WWI.
One of the officials coordinating this process stumbles upon an old house that is located just on the path of where the border would be set. Property, with an old shed and few acres of land, is habited by one old farmer.
"This is your lucky day, old man. You can choose whether you prefer to be on the Polish or Russian side of the border" says the officel.
"Polish" the farmer answers without hesitation.
"And why is that if I may ask?"
"Cause Ruskies have very harsh winters."
Bob was in trouble...
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
I told my Dad that crazy people have taken over the White House
He said, "So nothing new then"
The resemblance was uncanny!
A newlywed man was in the garage working on his motorcycle. His new wife came out of the house and watched him work for a few minutes before saying, Now that we are married, you should probably sell that motorcycle.
The man's face went pale and he looked as if he might throw up.
Are you okay? Whats the matter? begged his wife.
He managed to get control of himself. For a minute there, you sounded like my ex-wife.
Your ex-wife? the woman exclaimed. You never told me that you were married before!
I wasn't, he said.
A man rubs a vase and out comes a genie
The genie says "You got 3 wishes, but the catch is, your wife gets double.
The man says, "I want a new car"
The genie grants the mans wish for a car and gives the wife two cars.
The man says, "I want a new house"
The genie grants the wish and gives the man a new house and gives the wife two houses.
The man now says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten half to death"
I visited my friend at his new house.
He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Should've been more specific
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really p**....
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
My ex has a new guy
He's horrible. Doesn't do jack s**... around the house, lies around all the time, hitting the bottle pretty hard or yelling at her whenever it's empty. He also ain't really a looker, he's bald and kinda short and ... I really don't understand what people see in babies.
Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris' Last Will and Testament.
Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris' Last Will and Testament.
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.
To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."
Bob was in trouble
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Action Composers
All the action heroes are at Stalone's house when their phones all go off. Their agents give them news about a new action movie focused on the great composers. After the call they are all talking about who they would like to play.
Stalone: I'm not going to be in it if I can't be Mozart.
Statham: I'm rather partial to Beethoven myself.
Jet Li: Chopin!
Everyone having had their turn they turn to Schwarzeneggar who is straight up not interested in the project.
Arnold: No! This is a dumb movie.
Everyone: Come on...
Arnold: Fine! I'll be Bach.
The Wheelbarrow
A guy comes home and tells his wife "Honey I'd like to try a new s**... position." She asks "What's it called?" He replies "It's called the wheelbarrow. Do you remember when you we were kids and we would walk each other around on your hands like a wheelbarrow?She says "Okay but I'll try it only under two conditions. One if my back starts to hurt we'll stop right away. And two I don't want to go by my mom's house."
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
"Stairs don't talk!"
A man moves to a new house
For the first three days on the way to work he sees a woman hitting her son with a loaf of bread
On the fourth day, she's hitting him with a cake
He asks what is going on
The woman replies, well, it is his birthday!
Old Fridge
A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale, $50."
The next day, someone stole it.
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.
The younger boy began praying at the top of his voice. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE!"
the older brother leaned over and nudged his younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
"No, but Grandma is!" the little brother replied