New Haven Jokes

82 new haven jokes and hilarious new haven puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new haven that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest New Haven Short Jokes

Short new haven jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new haven humour may include short new england jokes also.

  1. Did you hear about those new corduroy pillowcases? I'm surprised if you haven't, they're making lots of headlines.
  2. I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape. I should get a new keyboard.
  3. I would be SHOCKED if you haven't heard about these new corduroy pillows. I mean, they're making headlines all over the world.
  4. Grandpa asked me how to print on his new computer. I said: "Just control-p."
    He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
  5. My grandpa asked me how to print a document on his new computer. I said, Control, P.
    He replied: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
  6. My new neighbor's super hot but I haven't tried to take her out yet... When I checked the oven, she wasn't quite done.
  7. Did you guys hear about the new death camps in North Korea? No you didn't. You haven't heard anything. Long Live the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.
  8. They've discovered a new strain of head lice, but they haven't found a cure yet It's got scientists scratching their heads.
  9. Wow, I haven't showered since last year! Haha good one, but it's only New Year's Eve
    I know...
  10. I'm in a band called Inadequate Detectives. We're currently looking for a new drummer, but we haven't found the right guy yet.

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New Haven One Liners

Which new haven one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new haven? I can suggest the ones about new york and new jersey.

  1. I started a new band called 1023MB We still haven't got a gig.
  2. No, you haven't invented a new colour... It's just a pigment of your imagination!
  3. You haven't heard of The Incredible Hulk's new fashion line? It's all the rage.
  4. There's a new band called 1023 Megabytes They haven't got any gigs yet.
  5. My daughter found a new boyfriend. I'm just glad the police haven't found the old one.
  6. My new car has a reverse camera. It's awesome. Since I got it, I haven't looked back.
  7. I haven't had a new thought in a month It's all reposts
  8. Has anyone heard of the new band called 512MB? They haven't any gigs yet!
  9. Have you heard the new hipster joke? Of course you haven't.
  10. What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year!
  11. I haven't taken a bath since last year. Make sure to say that before New year's Eve
  12. That new movie, Daja Vu... Haven't I seen it before?
  13. Do you know The Time? No you haven't met "The Time" yet she's new here.
  14. I really need a shower. I haven't had one since last year..
    Happy New Year all!
  15. spoiler alert: I haven't seen the new Star Trek but i bet Chekov dies

New Haven Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about new haven you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new mexico jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new haven pranks.

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.
"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day they enter it again 6 months later. You haven't ever seen such great submarines in your entire life, folks."
Putin, not looking really impressed, answers:
"That's great, Donald. But my new nuclear submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to drive around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?"
The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask, "How long can the German submarines stay under, Mrs Merkel?"
Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creaks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts, "Heil h**..., we need more diesel."

An 85 year old man goes to his doctor...

"Doc, I got a big problem."
"I understand you were recently remarried, is that right?"
"Yes. My new wife is 23 years old, and that's exactly the problem. She just told me she's pregnant! I haven't been a father in sixty years, and I don't know what to do."
"Hmm. Let me tell you a story that I think will help explain what's going on here: A near sighted man decides to go bear hunting. On his way out the door, he accidentally picks up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Once he gets to the woods, he is instantly attacked by a ferocious 1,200 pound bear. He picks up his umbrella and shoots it dead. Does that story make sense to you?"
"No! Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"My point exactly."

Nursing home

Arthur is in a nursing home after the death of his wife and he feels depressed.
Betty notices this and asks if there is anything she can do. He says 'well my wife used to sit with me in the evenings and just hold it for me. I miss that touch.'
Betty is a game and a kind woman so she takes to doing this for him. Every night they sit in the garden watching the sunset with her just holding his manhood.
Then one day she goes to meet him in the garden but finds Gloria, a new resident, in her place. Arthur seems happy so she backs away but feels very sad. And so it continues for the next week. Every night Gloria is in her place.
The next day she takes Arthur to one side at breakfast and confronts him, 'how could you cast me aside so callously Arthur ? What has Gloria got that I haven't ?'
Arthur replies 'Parkinsons'

A joke my father told me.

I haven't seen it here yet so I hope its fresh;
A new inmate spends his first night in prison and after things quiet down for the night, he hears someone from one of the upper floors call out. "THIRTY SEVEN!" he shouts. An uproar of laughter fills the prison.
The new inmate is somewhat confused. After the laughter dies down another man calls out "FORTY THREE!". The prison fills with even more laughter then before. This continues for a few minutes till the inmate asks his cellmate what is going on.
"Oh that, yeah everyone here loves jokes, but the we only know so many. After a while we just assigned all the jokes numbers so we don't have to repeat the whole thing every time."
Satisfied with this response the the new inmate goes to bed.
The next night at about the same time it starts up again. "TWENTY NINE!" is shouted and followed by laughter. After a few more the new inmate decides that he wants to try. He remembers that forty three got a pretty good response last night, so after getting the courage he waits for the laughter of the last joke to die down. He inhales deeply and shouts "FORTY THREE!".
He is shocked and a little upset. He turns to his cellmate "Why didn't they laugh?" he asks in disappointed confusion. To which his cellmate replied
"Its not just the joke, its how you tell it."

Etiquette for beginners

[adapted from a scene in the film Carry on Cruising]
A steward on a cruise ship is hesitating outside a door to a cabin with a p**... of coffee on a tray. The chief purser doing his rounds sees him and asks him what he's doing.
"Well sir, it's like this", the steward begins, "I'm completely new to this job and I'm a little worried as to what to do if I find passengers in a *delicate* state in their cabin, you see?"
The purser smiles and puts his hand on the young man's shoulder. "Ah", he says, "you just need to learn how to deal with such situations with a bit of dignity and blindness. I once knew a steward who walked in on a beautiful young woman completely n**... in the shower. Well, he just put the tray down on the side, said 'Excuse me, sir' and left without missing a beat. Do you see?"
The steward thinks for a moment and smiles "Yes, yes! That's very good that! I'll remember that!"
"Well, what are you waiting for then?" says the purser pointing out the still closed cabin door. "Get on with it, before that coffee gets cold"
The steward takes a deep breath, puffs out his chest, knocks and opens the door. Inside, he finds a newly wed couple on their honeymoon, in bed and very passionately engrossed in each other, and they clearly haven't noticed his arrival.
He hesitates before remembering what the purser told him, and decides to interrupt: "Hello there, which of you two fellahs takes sugar then?"

I've joined a new band called 999 megabytes.

We haven't got a gig yet.

Pull over

Guy buys a nice new sports car, decides to go out for a drive and starts to speed up as he wants to see what his new toy can do, sure enough a cop pulls up behind him and turns his lights on, driver laughs and says no way the cop can keep up with me so he floors it and loses the cop, few minutes go by before he comes to his senses and decides to pull over and wait for the cop to show up which he finally does. Cop gets out of the car and says to the driver, I've had a really long week and don't feel like writing another ticket, if you can come up with an excuse I haven't heard before I'll let you go.
Driver pauses for a second, well officer last week my wife ran off with a cop and I thought you were trying to give her back.
Have a good day sir.

Just another blonde s**... joke...

A blonde, brunette and redhead are sat in their local clinic, waiting to see the midwife, excitedly talking about the babies they are due to have.
"I haven't checked, but I think mine will be a boy." Says the redhead. "I was on top."
"In that case" starts the brunette, "I must be having a girl, because he went on top."
The blonde suddenly starts crying, hysterically, and it takes her new friends a good five minutes to calm her down. Between sobs she mutters "I think I'm having puppies..."

Another Irish Joke

Two men are sitting at a bar in New York. Bartender walks up and says "What will ya have?" At the same time the two men say "A pint of Guinness." They look at each other and one says "You look familiar, are you from Ireland?" The man replies "Yes, Yes I am, from Dublin actually." The other man replies "Me too! What town!?"
The man says "I'm from Belcamp." The other man replies "Me too! What street?"
Man replies "Clonshaugh Road." The other man again replies "I grew up on Clonshaugh Road!"
So the two men carry on drinking and laughing and talking about the old country for a few hours and then go on their way. The evening manager eventually shows up and sees the bar empty. He asks the bartender if it has been slow. The bartender replies "We haven't had any customers yet except for the O'Brien twins."

Lost balloonist.

There's a colonel flying a hot air balloon and he's completely lost. He comes across a SgtMaj yelling at some people in a field and he's all like "Can you tell me where I am?"
the SgtMaj replies "You're about 20" off the deck in central Iowa."
The colonel quips "You must be a SgtMaj".
Slightly intrigued, the SgtMaj says, "Why yes I am, how'd you know?"
to which the colonel says "Because although everything you have said is technically correct, you haven't helped me at all".
The SgtMaj thinks for a moment then says "Oh, I understand now, you must be the new colonel".
"Why yes, I am. Was it my keen insight and projected leadership that gave it away?" asks the colonel.
"No" says the SgtMaj "You're just as lost now as you were 10 minutes ago, but now it's my fault."

Door to Door salesman - another oldie

A couple was having their morning routine before they head to their jobs when suddenly the doorbell rang. The wife rushed to the door. When she opened it a man with a bucket full of s,,t rushed in and splashed them all over the carpet with a grin. Before the women could react he started his speech:
- My name is Tom and this is the all new (insert random hoover brand here) vacuum cleaners that is guaranteed to clean any type of mess on your floors, carpets or upholstery. If it doesn`t do the job I will eat all of the s,,t!
At that point the women just asked him:
- Mustard or ketchup?
- Excuse me? - he asked with a blank expression on his face.
- Would you like ketchup or mustard with your s,,t, Tom? - asked the woman again somewhat irritated.
- There is no need for that. Just you wait until you've seen the hoover in action. - he replied with a smirk.
- Oh, but there is. We haven't had electricity for a week.

I ordered a new joke in the mail...

It's pretty funny, but I haven't quite gotten the delivery yet

I got pulled over the other day

So I was driving down the highway in my new Mercedes doin' about 80mph. I see red and blue flashin' lights in my rear-view mirror. I think to myself, 'I'm in a new Mercedes! Who could catch me?' So I start speedin' up 90mph, 100mph, 110mph, 120mph. He's still there. So I pull over and the cop takes my license and papers without sayin' a word. He comes back and says, "I've been pulling people over all day for speeding. If you can give me an excuse that I haven't heard, I'll let you go." So I sit there for a second then say to the officer, "Well, sir, my wife left me to live with a police officer the other day. So I thought you were trying to give her back!"

Haven't done that in a year..

A Dad wakes up and starts making breakfast on New Years Day. The son comes down to the kitchen and as the Dad serves him eggs he goes:
"Morning son, it looks like you haven't eaten all year."
The son scowls at the terrible Dad joke and digs into his eggs. The daughter comes down to the breakfast table and the Dad pours her a glass of orange juice:
"Good morning Daughter, you must be thirsty. It looks like you haven't had anything all year. "
both children scowl and continue their breakfast. The wife finally comes down to the table and as she sits down the father rolls some sausages on to her plate.
"Good morning Wif--"
The son interupts:
The Dad calmly keeps serving breakfast and says:
"Son, I was just telling your Mother to enjoy her sausages. The joke wouldn't work since this would be her second serving today."

My new years resolution is to have more s**...!

I Haven't told my cellmate yet though

I haven't talked to my girlfriend for the last couple days because of my addiction to this new game.

I think The Division is really starting to get to her.

Netflix the clairvoyant!

Donald Trump is raking in the votes and winning primaries like we haven't seen since 2008 when Obama started his sweep of the nation.
Which proves that Netflix was right all along...
Orange is the new Black.

I can use some help with some painting . . .

A man looking for food and shelter comes upon a cozy house on a nice, small farm.
When the farmer answers the door, the man asks him, Can you spare me something to eat? I haven't eaten in several days and I'm not picky.
The farmer says, I never give anything away for free. I can give you food and even a place to stay tonight in the barn, but only if you're willing to work for it. The porch out back really needs a new coat of paint. Interested?
"Oh, yes sir," the man says. An hour later the newly minted painter returns. The farmer is impressed. That was fast! Come on in and sit down, and I'll bring you a nice bowl of soup and some fresh bread.
The painter says, Thank you very much! I truly appreciate it the opportunity to earn this food. But there's something I need to say. Please don't be offended, but I have to tell you something important; you need to hear this. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW.

I bought a new vacuum cleaner...

...but haven't been using it. All it is doing is standing in the closet collecting dust

I found an alternative to Pokémon GO.

It's this new game called Grindr. I haven't tried it yet, but I hear its this thing where you go around, trying to capture bears.

My mom wants a new cooking skillet for Christmas.

I haven't got the dough, but oh well, we'll see how things pan out.

A lot of people are buying those new corduroy pillows...

Haven't you seen all of the headlines?

New Hearing Aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.
The man says, Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!

My wife got a giant new back massager the other day.

I haven't figured out yet how she's reaching her own back with it, but I hear her using it all the time and she hasn't asked me for help once.

A New Yorker visits a Texan

The Texan shows the New Yorker around his place. "Howd'ya like it?", he asks.
"It's not bad", answers the New Yorker, "but I'll be honest, I expected you Texans to have larger places. The living room's too small, the master bedroom is small too, there is only one bathroom, and there isn't even a balcony."
"Hold your horses!" says the Texan. "We haven't even gotten outta the elevator yet!"

Hearing Better Now

An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.
After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialist said, It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now."
Oh no," the man responded. I haven't told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I've changed my will four times."

A New Yorker calls his mother who lives in Florida. She answers the phone with a very weak-sounding voice.

"Mom, you don't sound so good. What's wrong?"
Very feebly she answers, "I haven't eaten in quite some time."
"How long has it been, Mom?"
"My last meal was 26 days ago."
"26 Days!? How come?"
"I didn't want to be caught with food in my mouth when you called."

I haven't seen the new starwars film yet.

After the Last Jedi I'm afraid it might be just Han So-so.

A wife goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot for the family pet

The wife is given an option and since she doesn't have too much money goes for the cheapest one and wonders why it is cheap. The owner tells her it is because it is from a brothel.
When she arrives home the parrot says: "Another new brothel for s**..."
Then when the daughter arrives the parrot says: "A new face has come"
Then when the father comes home, the parrot says: "John, I haven't seen you in weeks, would you like the usual?"

Two bulls are in a field staring at a new cow

One says to the other I haven't seen herbivore

For literally everyone (dads this is for you)

now that its after new years, tell literally everyone you know now
# wow! I haven't seen you in a year!

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven't even noticed your left arm has been ripped off!». The lawyer goes: «What!? Where's my Rolex!?»

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"
"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"
A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"
The kid ignores him.
"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"
The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."
"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Tommy, I want you to meet my new boyfriend".
"I've got a 3 kill streak leave me alone" he cries, eagerly gripping his controller.
A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey champ, how you doing?"
Tommy ignores him.
"Don't like champ, huh? How about ComptonProud69?"
Tommys head snaps eagerely. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..."
His eyes widened with stress, Tommy's face turning red. "It can't be" he exclaims.
"Roblox right? I told you I'd bang your mom"

A man and his friend were talking about their New Year's Resolutions.

Friend: I heard you set some really tough resolutions, have you completed them?
Man: Well of course! I've swam across the Pacific Ocean in only speedos.
Friend: Neat.
Man: Scaled Mount Everest n**...!
Friend, a bit skeptical: Really?
Man: Well, there is one I still haven't completed.
Friend: And that is?
Man: Break my habit of lying......

very old jokes, but I haven't seen them here before

A male bovine has unfortunately just swallowed a ticking time bomb. How would you describe this situation in one word?
Five minutes later the bomb has detonated leaving little beyond a small hole in the ground. What one word describes the new situation?

Pedro gets a New Secretary.

Pedro gets a New Secretary.
He faces a volley of rapid fire questions from his wife, who is always a bit suspicious of her husband's roving eye.
Dora (Pedro's wife): Does your new secretary have nice legs?"
Pedro: Didn't quite notice."
Dora: "What color are her eyes?"
Pedro: Haven't had the time to check."
Dora: "What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon ?"
Pedro: Not a clue in the world."
Dora: "Does she wear matte, glossy or frosted lipstick?
Pedro: I barely spoke to her, so don't know.
Dora: "How does she dress?"
Pedro: "Very quickly

A new law

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week," one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well it's not a law really," the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate."

New Year, Old Me

Got a fitness tracker for Christmas and it's been on my wrist ever since. I haven't done any running yet, but I've m**... 5 miles.

A piece of toast walks into a bar.

The bartender starts chatting with him.
"Where are you from? I haven't met many pieces of toast."
The piece of toast takes a long sip of beer, and says "Well, I was born and bread in New York."

Took my dad shopping for some new shoes

He's 86 and found it quite tiring so we stopped for a coffee and a sandwich. While sitting there some teenagers sat at the table next to us.
One of them had a Mohican hairdo that was dyed all the colours of the rainbow and my dad wouldn't stop staring at him.
Eventually the boy got fed up of this and asked my dad sarcastically 'what is your problem old man haven't you ever done anything wild just for fun'
My dad, without missing a beat, replied
'I got drunk once in my 20's and had s**... with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son'

The new broom

Mom: "honey, I didn't see you use the super broom I bought you last year once....have you used it at all?"
Dad: "no I haven't needed to, it's doing its job perfectly where it is."
Mom: "what do you mean it's doing its job, you haven't even touched it for a whole year......?!?"
Dad: {smug face}'s gathering dust just fine...{smuggier face}"
Mom: "{very angry face} \*storms out of the room mumbling to herself\*"
Dad: "\*winks at me\*"