New Grandfather Jokes
14 new grandfather jokes and hilarious new grandfather puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new grandfather that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest New Grandfather Short Jokes
Short new grandfather jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new grandfather humour may include short new dad jokes also.
- My grandfather's new 21 year old wife denies she's a gold digger but I think it's a little suspicious she married him less than a week after his death.
- My grandfather got new pants the other day. I asked him how they fit... He said "Like a cheap castle."
Seeing the confused look on my face, he elaborated, saying, "No ball room." - He looks just like his grandfather —- a sweet thing to say about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama, it's an accusation.
- My grandfather was telling me about his new top-of-the-line hearing aid. "Yeah, it's the most expensive model they had! It cost me almost $6000!"
"What kind is it?"
"About a quarter past 6." - My grandfather has been diagnosed with alzheimer's disease. It isn't so bad because he enjoys meeting new people.
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New Grandfather One Liners
Which new grandfather one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new grandfather? I can suggest the ones about grandfather and grandfather grandson.
- My grandfather had the heart of a lion... And a ban from the New York Zoo.
New Grandfather Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about new grandfather you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean granddad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new grandfather pranks.
An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
New Deal joke my grandfather told me
Everyone has 2 cows.
The Socialist keeps 1 and gives 1 to his neighbour.
The Communist gives both cows to the government who gives back some of the milk.
The Fascist keep the cows but gives the milk to the government, who then sells some of it back.
The New Dealist shoots both the cows and milks the government.
h**... and the Jew
My grandfather gave me this book when I was younger, It is called The Book of Jewish Humor (or something similar). Here is one of my favorite jokes:
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During WW2, in Germany, a Jewish man was walking down the street. As ordered by the n**...'s, he was forced to wear a star on his lapel, to signify that he was a Jew.
Meanwhile, h**... had recently bought a new Mercedes, and was cruising around in his sleek new car. As he went down the street he decided to put his new car through its paces, and pushed the pedal to the floor. He was going faster than any other car on the road, and his protection detail had given up trying to follow him. All of a sudden, his car hit a puddle, and h**... lost control. As he careened off the road, he narrowly missed hitting the Jewish man, and instead ran into a building.
The Jewish man, seeing the car c**... ran to the scene, and quickly freed h**..., who had been trapped under his car. The instant he saw who it was, he gasped, and took a step back.
h**..., seeing the man who rescued him quickly went over and said
"Thank you so much for saving my life! I don't care if you are a Jew, you have rescued me and can have anything that you want, just name it!"
The man thought for a little while, and after a long pause said "Please, don't tell anyone..."
Heaviest Lunch
This is a really old story my grandfather told me years ago.
When he was in elementary school in his tiny rural town, they pretty much ate what they grew or killed. Well he was going on a couple weeks of having nothing to eat for lunch at school beside mustard greens and a biscuit. He got tired of eating that, so one day he snuck into the classroom early and swapped his lunch with the heaviest lunch bag he could find.
When lunch time came, he grabbed his new lunch and sat down at the table to eat it. He opened the bag only to find two pecans and a ball peen hammer!
Potato Clocks.
Colin walks into the largest watch, clock and timepiece store in Dublin and after a bit of browsing, calls the shopkeeper over...
"Where d'ya keep your potato clocks?"
The shopkeeper laughs, "Potato clocks?! Are you messin' with me? I will tell you that we sell alarm clocks and grandfather clocks, and mantel clocks and hour-glasses, cuckoo clocks, sundials, and electric clocks and quartz clocks, digital clocks, solar clocks, and even Mickey Mouse clocks, but in all my years, I have never heard tell of a POTATO clock!"
Colin shakes his head and says, "I don't know...but after years of unemployment, I'm finally startin' a new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife says 'You'd better get a potato clock.'"
I dumb joke my grandfather learned when he was a prisoner of war.
In a German prison camp, there isn't much to do. A new prisoner shows up, his name is Bill. One of the veteran prisoners, Jack, introduces himself to Bill. They talk, and eventually Jack asks what the prisoners do for fun.
Then a soldier yells, "15!"
Everyone is laughing hysterically.
Then another prisoner yells, "3!"
The laughter is deafening.
Bill asks Jack why these guys are laughing. Jack says that have been using the same jokes for so long that they save time by just assigning numbers to them.
Then a soldier yells, "7!"
Every other prisoner groans.
"Why didn't they laugh at that one?"
"Some people just can't phrase 'em right."
A frog walks into a bank
A frog is looking to open up a new business, so he stops by his local bank to see about financing. His loan officer, Mrs. Paddywhack, is going through his financials.
"Do you have any collateral?" she asks. "We can't give you any money without something to secure the loan."
The frog pulls out a small figurine from his briefcase. "This was my great-great-great grandfathers. It i s vary valuable and is in perfect condition; it has never left its place on my mantle until today."
Mrs. Paddywhack looks it over and over. She knows it is valuable, but can't quite figure out what it is. "I'll have to clear this with my boss," she says.
She walks back to her bosses office, explains the whole situation and sets the figurine down on the desk. "I just can't figure out what it is," she says.
Her boss takes one look at it and says "It's a nick-knack, Paddywhack. Give the frog a loan."