New Fresh Jokes

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company."
The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

An 85 and 25 year old's wedding night...

Vet Friend of mine just sent this:
Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

A politician is leaving office...

...and shaking the hand of the fresh face. The old bear motions the new comer to come closer - to exchange words.
"You're a public figure now. You must act in a most respectable way, you need to care for your people - not so much that they need you, but enough that they don't forget who you are. And most important - keep these two letters close by.'
"When you get yourself into a situation you can't get out of, open the first letter, and you'll be safe. When you get yourself into another situation you can't get out of, open the second letter".
Well, soon enough, the young professional was in a tight place, so they opened the first letter. Which said - "Blame everything on me". So tyhe old politician was blamed, it worked like a charm. Years later the politician got into a second situation they couldn't get out of - the second letter was opened. It said - "Sit down, and write two letters"

A joke my father told me.

I haven't seen it here yet so I hope its fresh;
A new inmate spends his first night in prison and after things quiet down for the night, he hears someone from one of the upper floors call out. "THIRTY SEVEN!" he shouts. An uproar of laughter fills the prison.
The new inmate is somewhat confused. After the laughter dies down another man calls out "FORTY THREE!". The prison fills with even more laughter then before. This continues for a few minutes till the inmate asks his cellmate what is going on.
"Oh that, yeah everyone here loves jokes, but the we only know so many. After a while we just assigned all the jokes numbers so we don't have to repeat the whole thing every time."
Satisfied with this response the the new inmate goes to bed.
The next night at about the same time it starts up again. "TWENTY NINE!" is shouted and followed by laughter. After a few more the new inmate decides that he wants to try. He remembers that forty three got a pretty good response last night, so after getting the courage he waits for the laughter of the last joke to die down. He inhales deeply and shouts "FORTY THREE!".
Silence.
He is shocked and a little upset. He turns to his cellmate "Why didn't they laugh?" he asks in disappointed confusion. To which his cellmate replied
"Its not just the joke, its how you tell it."

A man is hiring for an accounting position, and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls.

The first accountant walks in and starts to introduce himself.
Accountant1: I'm here for ther job, I'm great at d-
Boss: what's 2+2?
Accountant1: 4
Boss: get out
Sad, disappointed, and a little confused, the accountant slowly leaves the office. Then a new, fresh accountant comes in.
Accountant2: hey I'm here for the-
Boss: what's 2+2?
Accountant2: 4
Boss: get out.
Just as confused as accountant1, number 2 leaves thinking that if the boss is that s**... he doesn't want to work there anyways. On the way out, a new accountant walks into the office.
Accountant3: hi, I'm here for the ne-
Boss: what's 2+2?
Accountant3: anything you want it to be.
Boss: you're hired.

Roger and Jenny on their wedding night . . .

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been here already tonight?'

Little Johnny's Father

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a b**.... B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

The new supermarket

A new supermarket just opened up nearby.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and
smell fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is
the scent of freshly mowed hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled
steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and
cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon
and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore, though.

Brain Transplant

Heard this joke from a gregarious bus driver in Yosemite:
A man at the hospital is discussing his condition with the doctor. The doctor says:
"So we have some good news, and some bad news."
"Ok... What's the bad news?"
"Your brain is busted. You're gonna need a new one."
"Alright. So what's the good news?"
"You have some options to pick from. First option is a lawyer's brain. This one is expensive. It'll be $5,000."
"Well. A lawyers brain. That's pretty good. What's the next one?"
"Second option is a doctors brain. That's even more expensive. It costs $10,000."
"Wow. $10,000! But a doctor's brain. That's even better. So what's the third option?"
"The third option is a busdriver's brain. And that one is $50,000."
"$50,000!?? Why is it so much??"
"Because that one has never been used. It's like brand new! Fresh outta the box"

A king is picking the music to be played at his party

A king is throwing an extravagant party, and wants the perfect music to go along, but he can't decide who to have perform. So, he asks his most highly esteemed servant for advice.
"I am looking for a new unique style of music to be played at the party," says the king.
"Well, how about Johann Bach?" suggests the servant.
"He's great and everything," says the king, "But I want something new and unique"
The servant says, "Well what about oldest son, William Bach? He has mastered the art of classical music"
At this point the King is getting irritated. "No, no, no. I want something fresh and new and refreshing to hear. We've all heard of classical music"
"I know just the person you're looking for!" says the servant. "His youngest son David Bach has a style unlike that of his brothers and father. How does that sound?"
The king, furious at his servants similar suggestions, screams, "What's wrong with you? Can't you think outside the Bachs?!"

I can use some help with some painting . . .

A man looking for food and shelter comes upon a cozy house on a nice, small farm.
When the farmer answers the door, the man asks him, Can you spare me something to eat? I haven't eaten in several days and I'm not picky.
The farmer says, I never give anything away for free. I can give you food and even a place to stay tonight in the barn, but only if you're willing to work for it. The porch out back really needs a new coat of paint. Interested?
"Oh, yes sir," the man says. An hour later the newly minted painter returns. The farmer is impressed. That was fast! Come on in and sit down, and I'll bring you a nice bowl of soup and some fresh bread.
The painter says, Thank you very much! I truly appreciate it the opportunity to earn this food. But there's something I need to say. Please don't be offended, but I have to tell you something important; you need to hear this. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW.

A new Supermarket opened near me.....

A new supermarket opened near my house.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
And, just before the mister turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying on the stove.
The veggie department features the smell of freshly buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore

Fred is a blind man.

He went for a walk one morning to a new area of town to discover new smells and sounds.
He first walked by a local bakery and deeply inhaled the sweet aroma of the fresh breads and pastries.
"Ah, good morning Mr. Baker."
After exchanging pleasantries he continued on.
He then walked through a local park. He could smell the autumn leaves, and could hear birds chirping and children playing.
"Good morning, children.", he said as he passed.
As he continues on, he reaches the local fish market.
He breathes in deeply and says, "Wooo, good morning ladies."

An old shoe is down on his luck

An old shoe is down on his luck, he is desperate to turn his life around and has tried everything but nothing has worked yet. The shoe goes into a bar to have a drink and think about where he went wrong. A man approaches him and buys him a beer, he then reveals himself to be the Satan himself. He tells the shoe he can have anything in the world but he must pay a price. The shoe asks what the price would be for a new chance on life, a fresh start where he can fix all of his mistakes he made as a young sneaker. The devil nods and thinks to himself and then replies, "I'll give you a new lace on life in exchange for your sole"

Disillusioned with the Republican Party, Donald Trump gets inspired...

Disillusioned with the Republican party, Trump wakes up one day with an idea. Summoning Mike Pence to his office, he lays out his vision.
"Mike, the Republican Party is a relic of the past. We need to start fresh with a brand new party of loyal Americans."
"That's brilliant sir, but what should we call our party?"
Trump thinks for a moment, and suddenly exclaims. "We'll base our party on the virtues of the flag! That will really underscore our American values."
"Well, there's already a red party and a blue party," Mike Pence thinks. "So that would make us..."
Trump Beams "The White Party!"