New Football Jokes
26 new football jokes and hilarious new football puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new football that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest New Football Short Jokes
Short new football jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new football humour may include short new golf jokes also.
- The Washington pro football team picked out the perfect new name for the team, the Opossums. They are good at home... But get killed on the road.
- The new football stadium can hold more than 66,000 fans... Sounds pretty cold and windy to me.
- The Brasil National Football Team got a brand new van as a consolation prize.... It fits 7.
- The University of Kansas football program just traded in all their company vehicles for new ones... They wanted Les Miles
- A girl invited me over so we could test out some "new positions" Best game of football I ever had.
- TIL the New England Patriots can't play as well with a well oiled European football. Greece inflates everything in Europe.
- The spanish football team is set to choose a new captain. First on the list is Pedro, an airplane pilot.
- What is the difference between a football player and a new p**...? The football player *kicks* *punts.*
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New Football One Liners
Which new football one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new football? I can suggest the ones about kids football and football.
- what's al qaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets
- Where do football players go for new uniforms? New Jersey
- My new american football video game has so many glitches. It's really maddening
Amusing New Football Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about new football you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean english football jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new football pranks.
I found a used football in a second hand store...
I picked it up and took it to the counter.
"How much is this?" I asked
"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"
"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.
So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good as new.
"Ok, all done" he said. "That'll be $10 please".
"$10!!!??!!" I replied. "But you said $5 just now".
He looked up and said "Sorry. Inflation".
I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.
it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.
it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."
It was my first day at a new school.
When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Neymar, the Brazilian football player, had his first parenting lesson with his new son this morning.
"Right," said the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?"
"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f*****g floor," replied the baby....
Two siblings, a boy and a girl opens their Christmas presents
The boy received a football hat while the girl received a wonderful gold necklace.
The next year, the boy received a puzzle and the girl received an new wardrobe full of clothes.
And the next year again, the boy finds out he got a cheap chinese phone while his sister received an iPhone X.
So this year, after the opening, the girl says: "Haha! mom and dad loves me more!"
The boy replies: "Haha! I don't have a tumor"
A new teacher trying to get to know his students.
He asked one of them "what do you do after school"
Student 1: I go home, watch TV then go to Frank the w**... guy"
Teacher felt awkward and decided to ask another student.
Student 2 "me, I play football then go to Frank the w**... guy"
Teacher was really disappointed but didn't want to stop there so he asked another student.
Student 3 said " I go the church, do my homework and then help some people"
Teacher felt really happy and appreciative of the student asking for his name.
Student 3 " I am Frank the w**... guy"
A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying
"Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?"
"Klose", replied the groggy husband.
"And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?"
"Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied.
"Who was that girl in that 'Saved by the Bell' show, Kapowski?"
"Tiffani Thiessen, played Kelly Kapowski"
"And also, when'd that new girl, Sandy, move downstairs again?"
"Two months next Wednesday. What's going on honey?" asked the husband, now irritated.
"Yesterday was my birthday."
Topical Jokes for 6/17
(For best results, imagine these in the voice of your favorite talk show host)
In Michigan, a man was arrested after he tried to toss a football filled with drugs into a prison. Prison guards knew something was wrong when they heard 700 inmates shouting, I'M OPEN! I'M OPEN!
The United States announced they've arrested the mastermind of the 2012 attack in Benghazi. When Republicans heard the news, they said, Oh great! They caught Hillary Clinton! .
Coca Cola is testing a new, low-calorie version of Coke in a green can called Coca Cola Life. The original formula of Coke in the red can will be rebranded as Coca Cola Death.
Baseball & Football -George Carlin
Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.
Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.
In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.
Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.
I enjoy comparing baseball and football:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?
In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.
And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
Olympics / opening ceremony jokes
Credit where credit's due - I got these from Sickipedia. I'm brand new here but I gather these would be appreciated...
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I certainly enjoyed the opening ceremony which displayed the history of the early 20th century Britain.
I can't wait until the games are held in Germany.
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So in the Olympic Opening Ceremony, British athletes can walk behind a bloke carrying the Union Jack and everyone cheers...
...But when the BNP do it it's frowned upon.
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My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"
After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:
"Chinese," I replied.
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I'm entering the m**... Tournament in the Olympics this year.
Very stiff competition though.
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As I watched the woman's football today, my wife proudly quipped, "This just shows you how far the Olympics have come, women excelling at men's sports. What do you think this means?"
I don't think "22 blokes are forced to get a take-away tonight" was the answer she was looking for.
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Well done Danny Boyle. Nothing says "London" better than youths setting fire to stuff.
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7 years the London Olympics have been in the making.
Never has it taken so long for a large number of foreigners to enter the country.
Eventually, after living a full life, Tom Brady dies and goes to heaven...
At the Pearly Gates, God tells Brady, "As a reward for such a fine football career I am giving you a house. Now, not everyone gets a house up here, in fact it's quite rare. Tom, consider this is a personal gift from the Lord your God." The Almighty shows him to his new home and Brady is somewhat taken aback. The tiny home is more a shack with a faded Patriots flag flying over it. Still, Tom Brady tells God how thankful he is for such a special blessing.
After the Father gives Brady a short tour of his new home, Tom notices a three story mansion just around the block. The enormous home is painted in orange and blue, even down to the driveway and sidewalks. A huge Denver Broncos flag flies off a 50 ft flagpole above the house and a Tim Tebow jersey hangs over the front door.
Brady, a little perplexed, turns to God and asks, "I don't mean to be ungrateful Lord, but I was an all-pro quarterback, I won three Super Bowls, and I was inducted into the Hall of Fame last year." "What are you trying to say, my son?" Brady responds, "Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?" God chortles and replies, "That's not Tim's house. That's my house!"