new doc Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious new doc puns

A woman goes to a new gynecologist for an exam.

He takes a look and she's embarrassed to hear "That's a big vagina! That's a big vagina!" from betwixt her nethers.

Flustered, the woman replies, "I know it is, but you didn't have to say it twice!"

Doc answers back, "I only said it once."


A man goes to his doctor

"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop singing What's New Pussycat."
"Oh, that sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome," said the doctor.
"Tom Jones Syndrome? Is that rare?"
"It's not unusual."


Man goes to the doctor.

Man: "Doc, you gotta help me. I sing spontaneously, and uncontrollably."

Doctor: what do you mean?

Man: Well whenever I see a woman on the street I start singing "She's a lady". And Any time I cross paths with a cat I'll sing "What's new pussy cat?".

Doctor : What you have is Tom Jones syndrome.

Man: So you've heard of this before?

Doctor: It's not unusual.


An 85 year old man goes to his doctor...

"Doc, I got a big problem."

"I understand you were recently remarried, is that right?"

"Yes. My new wife is 23 years old, and that's exactly the problem. She just told me she's pregnant! I haven't been a father in sixty years, and I don't know what to do."

"Hmm. Let me tell you a story that I think will help explain what's going on here: A near sighted man decides to go bear hunting. On his way out the door, he accidentally picks up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Once he gets to the woods, he is instantly attacked by a ferocious 1,200 pound bear. He picks up his umbrella and shoots it dead. Does that story make sense to you?"

"No! Somebody else must have shot that bear."

"My point exactly."


Tom Jones fever

A man is in the waiting room at his Doctor's office and finally, the Doctor arrives.
"Hello Mike what seems to be the problem today?"
Mike replies "Doc, you've gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's new pussycat' by Tom Jones!"
The Doc says "oh yes, that's 'Tom Jones Syndrome'"
"Is it common?" Jim asks
"Well, it's not unusual"


A old Jewish man goes to the doctors...

He says "Doctor I've got a huge problem."

The doctor says "What is it?"

He says "I keep getting these silent, smelly, gassy emissions I was with my wife and the Grossmans yesterday and it happened about 100 times during dinner and created a nauseous gas but it was silent so no one new who it was and then again on the bus this morning and even in your office now I must have had 20 of them, Do you have anyway to fix this problem doc?"

The doctor looks up and says "Well first off I'm going to send you to specialist."

The man interrupts him "What kind of specialist doc?"

"A hearing specialist!"


Dad and son at the Doctor

A man and his son are at a doctor appointment.

Their longtime family doctor enters and says "What seems to be the problem," and the dad answers "This is pretty embarrassing Doc but we hired a new Brazilian maid and turns out my son has been messing around with her... and I think he's got herpes."

The doctor says "Don't worry Sir I'll write your son a prescription and he'll be alright. Is there anything else you need?" The dad replies "Well there is something else... I've also been messing with the maid and I think I have it too"

"Don't worry I'll write you and your son a prescription and you can pick them both up today. Anything else?"

"Well Doc, last night I had sex with my wife and now I think she has it..."

"Damn it, now we've all got it!"


Three cowboys (nsfw)

Three cowboys are sitting around a fire boasting about how tough they are.

The cowboy from Oklahoma says, "I was driving cattle last year, and was bit on the ass by a rattler. Finished the cattle drive. Took three days before I got the doc to look at me. Didn't shed a tear."

The cowboy from New Mexico says, "Yeah? Well I broke up two bulls that were fighting. One popped out my right eye. I picked it up, took it to the doc, and he got me fixed up right. Didn't shed a tear."

The cowboy from Texas sat silently stirring the fire with his dick.


Dyslexic man walks into a bra

Whole joke in title! New era of convenience! In mother Russia, joke laughs at you!

***Bonus***, since you came in here anyway:

Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.


Deep voice

A guy walks into a doctors office to get examined, in a really deep voice he tells the doctor "listen here doctor I cant stand stand my voice anymore it's to deep anytime i try to talk or meet anyone i just scare them off even my wife is starting to hate it." The doctor agrees to run some test and finds that the guys deep voice is due to his penis size and to get rid of it will need to cut off a few inches. The guy replies" ill do anything doc just get rid of this deep voice." The guy gets the procedure done and goes home. A week goes by and the guy goes back to the doctor saying " Doc i love my new voice i fell better than ever, but my wife really misses the extra inches down below so i have to do as she pleases and get the operation reversed. The doctor looks at him then replies in a really deep voice " Sorry sir no refunds"


As a child I was told there's a monster under my bed.

As an adult I went to see a therapist.

"Doc I got issues, man I know it's ridiculous but I think there's a monster under my bed"

"Well young man, you have come to right place give me three months and you'll be right as new"

"What will it cost me doc?"

"Well we will have two session every week for 3 months, and every session will be 50 dollar"

"Phew that's a lot doc, I gotta sleep on that"

"Sure, whatever makes you comfortable"

Six months later I ran into that therapist again and he goes.

"Oh you never came back, how's your ailment"

"Oh it's fine, my japanese friend helped me out for free"

"Oh really what did he do?"

"Well he cut off bed's legs"


Doctor has a point.

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted
a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car
when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged,
and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing
basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.

"Try doing it with the engine running."


A man and his pregnant wife go to the hospital...

A man and his pregnant wife go to the hospital so the wife can give birth. After the nurses get her settled in, the doctor approaches the man and says, "We just got this new machine in that will transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father. Would you like to try it out?"

The man says, "Well of course. Anything for my wife. Fire it up, doc!"

As the wife begins to have the baby, the doctor cranks up the dial on the machine to 25 percent. The wife screams in pain, but the man says, "I don't feel anything at all."

"That's odd," says the doctor. He adjusts the dial to 50 percent. The wife's screams grow quieter, but the husband still doesn't feel a thing.

"That's uncanny," says the doctor as he turns the dial all the way up to 100 percent. Neither the husband nor his wife feel any pain at all, the baby is delivered healthy, they're discharged from the hospital, they go home, and the mailman is dead on the porch.


Cardiologist and Motorcycle mechanic

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a

Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take

a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc,

want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over

to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc,

look at this engine. I opened its heart, take the valves out, repair any

damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like


So how come I make $39,700 a year and you make $1,700,000 when you and I are

doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...

'Try doing it with the engine running'


Bill can't get the song "What's New, Pussycat?" out of his head.

Bill goes to the doctor, and says "Doctor, doctor, you've gotta help me! I can't get the song "What's New, Pussycat?" out of my head."

Doctor says "Well, that's not really a medical condition, is it?"

Bill says "You don't understand, it's been in my head for three or four months, constantly, morning to night, I can't work, I can't concentrate, it's affecting my relationships, my career, it's ruining my life"

"Ah," the doctor says, "sounds like you have Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Tom Jones Syndrome?" Bill asks. "I've never heard of that, is it rare?"

"Oh," the doc replies, "it's not unusual."


I went in for a check up...

Everything seemed to be going fine. Then all of a sudden the doc stuck his finger up my butt! I freaked out a bit. Is this a normal part of the exam?

I'm thinking of finding a new dentist.


New Doc

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a drop-dead gorgeous young female!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional.

I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."

I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny..."


Bottle Number 43

A new miracle doctor comes to town, who people say could cure anything. John, the local doubting Thomas, decides to prove the doctor a fraud.
He goes to the doctor and says: "Hey, doc. I've lost my sense of taste." The doctor thinks a while, scratches his head and tells John: "What you need is bottle number 43." He brings out a bottle and tells John to taste its content. John does, and immediately spits it out."Yuck, gross!" he yells. "I just restored your sense of taste," says the doctor. John is furious.
A month later, John goes back to the doctor. "Doc," he says, "I can't remember anything!"
The doctor starts thinking again, and John is thrilled. Aha! Got him. The doctor mumbles to John, "What you need is bottle number 43..." Even before he finishes his sentence, John had fled the clinic.


A new comprehensive study found that only ~14.3% of dwarves are Happy

The study went on to show that the rest of them are Grumpy, Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful, Sneezy, and Doc.


They invented a machine that takes the pain of childbirth away from the mother and passes it to the father...

... So husband and wife are in the delivery room, and she's in pretty strong labor. The husband says, "Ok doc, gimme some of it, I can handle it". The doctor turns the machine to 20% of pain. The husband says "Wow, I don't feel a thing! Gimme some more doc!" So the doctor turns the machine up to 40% of his wife's pain. Husband says "Geez, I don't know what all these women are complaining about! I barely feel anything! Turn it up all the way!" The doctor turns the machine to 100%, and the wife delivers the baby completely pain free.

The husband, wife, and new baby leave the hospital. The husband is bragging about what a tough guy he is to take all that and not feel a thing. They pull into their driveway and find the mailman dead on the front steps.


A man has an unfortunately sized penis...

And he doesn't have a lot of money. He goes to a doctor and says "Doc, please can you help me? My penis is so small, I don't know what to do!" The doctor says "Well yes, but the procedure is $10,000."
"Aw geez doc I could NEVER afford that!" he says defeated

The doctor replies "Well, if you really want there is risky experimental procedure that we would do for you for free"

The man with the teeny weenie leans in closer to listen to the doctor "The experiment involves grafting some tissue from the trunk of an elephant, and putting it on your penis."

"Well" the patient replies "I don't have many options, so count me in!"

The following Friday the procedure is done and is a great success, and the doctor warns "Be sure not to try to use your new penis until Monday after it has had a chance to heal."

On Monday morning the man is so excited to use his new addition that he calls up a prostitute to have breakfast with him then sexy times.

The hooker and the man are having a pleasant conversation at breakfast, when suddenly the mans dick comes LUNGING from under the table, flops around for a second on top of the table, grabs a blueberry muffin, then DISAPPEARS back under the table!

"Oh! Oh my god was that your dick!?!?" The aghast hooker exclaimed

"Oh yes, yes it was sorry about that" he says

" you think you could do that again?!?" she asks

"Well, I would, but I am not sure I could fit another muffin up my ass!"


Confession of a young OB/GYN doc.

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...
To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . . I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard. No doctor but the song you were whistling was, ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.


A middle aged woman goes to a plastic surgeon....

And says, "Look, doc, I'm feeling a little saggy and wrinkly in the face, but I live out in the country and I don't want to have to keep coming back to see you, so give me something that lasts."

The doctor says, "well you're in luck. There's a new product on the market called 'The Knob.' Basically, we install this small knob on the back of you head and if you ever want a little skin tightening, you just give it a quarter turn."

The woman thinks this sounds great so she has the surgery.

She shows up to the plastic surgeon's office 15 years later and says, "Hey, doc, this thing has been great but lately I've been noticing these bags under my eyes that won't go away."

The surgeon says, "Yes that is a complication we didn't anticipate. Those aren't just bags under your eyes--those are your breasts."

She sighs and says, "well I guess that explains the goatee."


A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.

A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.

"Well, it's like this Doc. when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The Green Green Grass of Home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embarrassing: even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!"

"It would appear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome," said the doctor.

"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man.

"It's not unusual."


The price they charge to repair.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with it running."


Weight loss program

An overweight guy is begging his doctor to help him lose weight. After some discussion, the doctor understands how desperate he is, so he offers to tell him about an unconventional technique.

"Anything, Doc! I'll do anything!"

"Well, the human body can absorb enough nutrition from the colon. What we'll do is start by filling it up with an IV solution for a week and see how you do."

The man comes back a week later and 10 pounds lighter. He is delighted.

"Doc, this is great, but it's a little boring. There's no flavor or taste."

The doctor gives him an exam, and tells him, "Well, since this seems to be working OK, you can start on some soft foods, like bananas and oatmeal. Shove those up your ass when you're hungry and see how it goes."

A week later the man is back, 10 pounds lighter and delighted with the way he looks.

"Doc, this is working great. What do we do next?"

"Well, you seem to be adapting well to the diet. Eat whatever you want through your ass, celery, steak, whatever. Then let's see you back in 2 weeks."

Two weeks later the man is back, 20 pounds lighter, new clothes, and full of energy. He is literally bouncing up and down on his seat. The doctor says, "Wow, you look great, and full of energy. Is the bouncing some kind of exercise?"

"Nah," says the man, "just chewing some gum."

***best done with actions***


High Blood Pressure

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.

"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"


Chronic headaches treatment

A man visits a doctor about chronic headaches. The doctor prescribes some medication, and says to the man: "Stress is the source of your headaches. Myself, I do have a lot of stress, and there's nothing better than sex with my wife. [laughing]". Finally, the doc schedules the man for a checkup visit the following month, and the man leaves.

Next month, the man returns, and the doctors inquires if his condition has changed. The man says: "The treatment you prescribed really made a difference. I feel like a new person. Thank you." The man, gets up and is about to exit. On the way out he says: "By the way doc, you have a beautiful home."


A man goes to see a new therapist...

A therapist has a new patient and has no idea what his condition or problem is. The patient finally walks in but he is completely dressed in saran wrap. The doctor begins to greet the odd new patient but is interrupted, "Skip the niceties Doc. What is wrong with me?" The doctor took a minute and responded, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."


A psychiatrist meets a new patient

The doctor is shocked by his new ward, because the man is wearing only saran wrap, no clothes.

The patient asks his new doctor, "What do you think doc', am I crazy?!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."


A guy walk in to a psychiatrist's office

Doc, you gotta help me. A month ago, I started a new job in a deli. Ever since I started working there, I've been obsessed with the idea of sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.

My God, that's terrible! You did the right thing by coming to me for help. In the meantime, you must fight this self destructive urge.

I know! Her husband is like six foot six. If he caught us, he'd kill us both with his bare hands!


My Favorite Golf Joke

A guys is working on his game by hitting golf balls into a net in his backyard. It's a pretty hot day and his wife comes out to bring him some lemonade. Just as she approaches from the side he takes a swing and shanks it. The ball zoom right towards his wife, goes into her mouth and she drops to the ground. The man takes his wife to the emergency room and is waiting for news from the doctor. Finally after some time the doctor comes to give him an update:

The doctor say, "Good new sir we were able to find the golf ball in your wife's stomach and remove it successfully....However, we do have one question. Why is it that we found another ball in her vagina?"

The man replies, "Well doc, that was my mulligan".


a joke about meeting your ex's current lover

So a guy gets a job at a new company, and he has to undergo a physical with the company doctor. But there's just one catch, the Doctor is his ex girlfriend's current fiance. It's super awkward but they both try to be mature about it.

The physical goes ok and the guy doesn't have any problems, but then the doc says "we're almost done, there's just one more test i have to run, please drop you're trousers..." the guy thinks "Ok, just a typical hernia check" but the doc grabs his penis, pulls out a tape measure and starts measuring the guys penis...

The guy is like " hey doc, what kind of test is this?" the doctor says bluntly "it's an eye exam." the guy is confused "an eye exam?" the doctor says "yeah, that bitch is blind if she thinks your cock is bigger than mine..."


A New Kind of Speech Therapy

So there is a twelve year old boy who has never uttered a sound. He just DOESN'T speak. His mother has spent a fortune on various doctors, but no success.

One day she meets an old friend who's child had a similar problem. She suggested a certain specialist who might be able to help, but she said "I have to warn you, his methods are a little frightening!".

The woman takes her son to this new doctor, and he gives the boy a complete physical examination. At one point the Doc asks the boy to drop his shorts, and close his eyes. The boy does so, and the doctor grabs the boys testicles and twists them.

The boy screams out "AAAAAAYYYY!!!"

The doctor says "Good. Tomorrow we work on B!".


So this woman goes to see a new gyn..

So this woman goes in to see her new gyn for an exam. Afterward in his office they're discussing the results. Doc..."everything is fine, nothing at all to worry about, but, I probably shouldn't say this, well, you have the biggest vagina I have ever seen."

She goes home thinking about that and decides to check for herself. She takes a full length mirror off the shelf, puts it on the floor in the hallway, strips naked and straddles the mirror. Just as she's looking down at her reflection, her husband walks in. He sees her and says "Hi hon, uh...whatcha doin?" She replies "uh, I'm exercising!"

He says "OK, be careful you don't fall in the hole...."


What are the most funny New Doc jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about New Doc? Well, here are the best New Doc dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and New Doc pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes