New Deal Jokes

The was a man named George who got a new job.
His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday.
They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning.
George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00.
He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again.
He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round.
This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are.
Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win.
What is up with that?''
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.
Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife.
If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed.
If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.''

New Earring

John is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker, Zach, is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion".
"Hey Zach" he yells out "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it, ..it's only an
earring." Says Zach sheepishly.
"No really," probes John, "How long have you been wearing one?"
... "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

A Japanese and American businessman are closing a deal.....

The American was new in Japan and did not know the customs or language. He was a quick learner though and after weeks of negotiations, he sealed the deal.
The Japanese man says, "ask for anything to make your last couple of days more enjoyable.". The American says, well I'd love a beautiful Japanese woman if you know what I mean. The Japanese businessman fulfilled his promise and that night he had a japenese beauty in his bed. They start at it and the girl start shouting " mosuki mosuki". He goes harder and she yells in passion, " mosuki mosuki". The business man start thinking, that must mean good job or great. They part ways and he wakes up next morning to play golf with the business man. On the first green as the Japanese man is about to sink his pity he American thinks to impress him with his Japanese vocbulary. As he sinks the putt he says, "mosuki" the Japanese business man looks at him puzzled and asks. " what do you mean wrong hole?"

In honor of Mother's Day ... sort of

A woman goes into labor and her husband is her birthing coach. In the delivery room, a doctor shows the two a brand new invention that allows the father to share some of the labor pains, which takes some of the pressure off of the mother. The man agrees. He begins at 20%. "No problem," he tells the doctor, so they turn it up to 40%. The man says "I don't see what the big deal is! Crank it up!" Finally they put him at 80%. The mother has a much easier labor and a gives birth to a baby boy.
Later that day, the man gets a telephone call from one of his neighbors. "It's the damndest thing," the neighbor says. "The mailman just dropped dead on your front doorstep this morning."

A brunette, a farmer and a sheep...

On her day off work, a young brunette decided to take her new convertible car for a drive through a farming community.
After an hour of driving she had to stop while a farmer shepherded his sheep across the road.
The brunette realises a rare opportunity and asks the farmer
"if I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
"Sure" replies the farmer after thinking a bit, "that wouldn't be easy"
"326" the girl says out of nowhere..
"Correct!" said the stunned farmer and never the less gives her a sheep.
The brunette is extatic by her efforts, but just before she pulls away the farmer stops her and asks
"How about another deal? If I can guess what color your hair was before you dyed it brunette, can I have my dog back?"

"I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

During boarding, a first class passenger finds a blond sitting in his seat. After trying to explain she's in the wrong seat the blond just replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
A flight attendant is called over and asks to see the blondes ticket. "Mam I'm sorry but your seat is in coach. You'll have to move."
The blond folds her arms and responds the same. "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
After the head flight attendant gets the same result they decide to call the caption. He explains that her seat is in coach and she must move. She replies the same. "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
The caption then whispers something in her ear. She looks puzzled and gets up and moves to coach.
"What did you say to her?!"
"We'll my wife is blond and I know how to deal with them. I told her first class isn't going to New York."

A man goes to pick up his newly born son.

So the new father goes to the hospital and says to the doctor, "hi I'm here to pick up my newly born son."
The doctor says, "sure! Come right this way!"
The doctor goes across the room, picks up the baby, turns and drops the baby.
The father says, "what the--!"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, im sorry!" Picks up the baby, brushes it off and walks closer to the new father.
Then, the doctor drops the baby again. But this time, giving it a little kick on the way down.
The father says, "hey! What's the deal?"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry I'm sorry!" He picks up the baby, brushes it off and walks closer to the new father.
This time, the doctor takes the baby by the ankle, waves it over his head and throws the baby at a wall. Both watching, the baby slides slowly down the wall. The father says, "my goodness! What on earth is wrong with you?! You're going to hurt my newborn!"
The doctor says, "hahaha, don't worry! Your baby was already dead yesterday!"

Cheap parrot

A woman decides she wants to buy a pet so she heads down to the local pet store. After a bit of browsing, she fixes her attention on a lovely talking parrot on sale for only $10. The clerk tells her the parrot's going cheap because it used to live in a house of ill repute so it may not be the most family friendly of pets. Thinking this deal is too good to pass up, she buys it without hesitation.
She gets home and places the parrot near the entrance. The parrot looks around and says, "New house, new madame!" The woman is startled by this but laughs it off. Later, her two teenage daughters get home, the parrot looks at them and remarks, "New house, new madame, new prostitutes!" The girls are shocked by this but after some explaining by the mom, they all laugh it off. The woman is delighted and eagerly awaits her husband so she can see what his reaction will be.
The husband arrives moments later. The parrot looks at him and says,"Hello Keith!"

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.
The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."
The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.
The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"
"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it *was* pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"