New Dad Jokes
135 new dad jokes and hilarious new dad puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new dad that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest New Dad Short Jokes
Short new dad jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new dad humour may include short new mom jokes also.
- I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued... "It's cutting hedge technology!"
- This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom. He said it was the best trade he's ever made
- Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today. Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.
Myneckisaur.
This is my first dad joke post :) - My dad bought himself a new hearing aid. "It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."
"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"
"Two-thirty." - my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid "it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.
my dad: "what kind is it?"
my grandma: "it's 4:15pm" - Son, you are adopted. Son: What?! I knew it! Where are my real parents, I want to meet my real parents!
Dad: Oh, no no. We are your real parents! The new ones will arrive in 20 minutes. - A new friend just told me he had two gay dads. I said "that's good! ...because it would be really weird if only one of them was gay."
- I asked my dad what he was planning to do today. He said he was going to the optometrist to pick up his new prescription then he'd see.
- We all complain about reposts, but do you know where new jokes come from? A dad joke meets a yo mama joke... and then they screw in a lightbulb.
- My friend is getting a new car - a "tangerine" ford focus. Dad drops this one... Tangerine focus... Isn't that the same as orange concentrate?
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New Dad One Liners
Which new dad one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new dad? I can suggest the ones about new grandfather and expectant father.
- I'm starting a new dating service in Prague. It's called Czech-Mate.
- I just bought my dad a new fridge I cant wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
- My Dad has got a great new job. He has 600 men under him. He cuts grass at the graveyard.
- My mum and dad just named their new puppy Spliff They said it was a joint decision.
- My new girlfriend wants to meet my dad But I do too.
- Hey dad, wanna see my new book? Yeah son, so long as it's not the novel coronavirus.
- What's a fun name to call your new Italian Step-Dad? Papa Guinea
- I wore a new outfit and asked my dad "How do i look?" He replied: "With your eyes, son"
- My dad said he had seen the shorts for a new movie But he couldn't find the pants.
- An Iraqi girl gets a new bag from her dad "Thanks for the bag dad"
- Asked my dad how his new iPhone was "Top notch"
- I wished I had a new dad. That's how mum found out he was gay.
- Your mama so fat that NASA thought they found a new planet Dad stop it.
- My dad is a struggling p**... addict He's having trouble turning over a new leaf
- Just became a new dad! Kids are 9 and 12, but the s**... change was yesterday.
Charming Humor New Dad Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about new dad you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean expecting father jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new dad pranks.
Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said: "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, 'Why, Thank you Johnny."
Johnny said: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cos he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses!"
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.
Game of Thrones Themed: "Knock knock. Who's there? Arya"
"Knock knock. Who's there? Arya"
"Arya who?"
"Arya gonna let me in? Winter is comin'!"
I'm a new dad ...I think this whole dad joke thing is inevitable.
Jew or Gipsy?
John's dad is a Jew and his mom is a Gipsy. one day john asks his dad: what am I , a Jew or a Gipsy ?" dad: "why is that important to you?" John: "It's very important because Bob has a new bike and I don't know what to do: steal it or negotiate with him..."
Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a p**...."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a p**..., Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
There's a new pizza place coming to town...
Two epileptic midgets (err, little people) are opening up a pizza place across town next week.
They're calling it 'Little Seizures'.
My dad came up with this joke, and I don't think he's ever been so proud of anything in his life.
What is kitty?
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
So
the new Paranormal Activity 3 is about a ghost who stalks little girls and makes them play with him late at night when the mum and step-dad are not around.
Glad to see Michael Jackson back to his old tricks.
How little stefan got a brand new watch..
Little Stefan comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Jenny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tell his story," I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent's bedroom.
I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."
Jenny decides she wants one too, so night after night she listens outside her parents' bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually she hears some b**... and groaning from the other side of the door.
She walks in and catches her parents in the act, so her dad offers her anything she wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Jenny immediately says, "I want a watch."
The dad sighs and says, "Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don't make any noise . "
Just now, from my dad: Have you heard the new Christmas carol from India?
We Vishnu a Merry Krishnas.
My dad recently passed away and loved dirty jokes. I need some new ones to cheer me and my family up.
Last week, my dad unexpectedly passed away at the age of 56. One of the many things my family loved about him was his tendency to tell dirty jokes at the most inappropriate times. Does anybody have any good ones? Hearing some new dirty jokes would really help cheer me and my family up.
The new father
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
I introduced my new girlfriend to my family last night...
"This is my dad Roger," I said, "And this is my twin brother Dave."
"Nice to meet you," she smiled. "Who's the oldest?"
I said, "My dad."
This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with
I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.
A young Saudi prince studying abroad...
A young Saudi prince studying abroad receives a call from his father asking him if everything is alright.
He tells his dad that he is feeling ashamed that everyday he goes to college in his brand new Lamborghini while all the other students take the train.
His father replies: "I understand your shame son, take this 2 billion dollars and buy yourself a train".
A West Virginian gets married and him and his wife go to bed together for the first time...
And his new wife tells him to take it easy on her as she's a v**.... Upon finding this out he tells her "well if you're not good enough for your dad than you're not good enough for me, get out."
Why did the jewish boy's ghost costume only have one eye hole?
His dad didn't want to buy him a new sheet.
Stereotypical jokes
I keep making stereotypical jokes about my old man and his new Thai bride. He really doesn't find it amusing... and neither does my Dad
My dad told me his New Years resolution was to embrace his mistakes.
He hugged my sister and I :(
When you become a dad
A proud new dad sits down to have a drink with his father "Well son, now that you've got kids of your own, I think it's time I give you this"
"Dad you don't mean..."
"Yes son, I do" Dad pulls out a copy of 1001 dad jokes, 5th edition "Dad I'm honoured...", he says, tears sparkling in his eyes. "Hi honoured", replies his father, "I'm dad".
Marriage
Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...
'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.
At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.
After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a s**...!'
What do you call a Mexican melon?
A cantelopez!
Came up with this on all by myself. I'm a new Dad, so I feel as if I've significantly leveled up my Dad Joke ability.
Dad asks me have you heard of the new movie constipation? I was all like what, no.
And he said, It never came out.
My first dad joke as a new father
Fiance: "What's the difference between a carousel and a merry go round?"
Me: "I don't know but they have their ups and downs"
...it begins
A mom buys an old parrot from a w**.....
A mom buys an old parrot in a w**... and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet.
As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter.
Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter.
Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"
Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses
He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''
Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you c**...''
Just seen a Disney trailer.
I've just seen a Disney trailer
It said, "A new movie from the people that brought you Up."
Flipping Heck! I never knew Mum and Dad made films.
A barber starts a conversation with a new customer
* Barber: Where have you been getting your hair cut before coming here?
* Customer: Actually my dad's been doing it for a while now.
* Barber: Is he Jewish or Italian?
* Customer: He's Italian, why do you ask?
* Barber: Well either he's cheap or he knows what he's doing.
new iPhone 7
son: Daddy, buy me the new iPhone 7
Dad: What is the magic word?
son: Natasha
Dad: who is Natasha
son: your lover
Dad: do you need also a case?
I know we get a lot of dad jokes...here's a mom one
What did Captain Picard say when he saw the new sewing machine?
Make it sew!
I keep making jokes about my dads new Thai bride. He's getting pretty sick of them.
My dads getting sick of them too.
New dad as of today, so here is my first dad joke.
What do you call it when you accidentally butcher your heifer instead of your steer? A Ms. Steak.
A joke from my dad when i showed him my new plant: "Hey thats a money tree!"
Where did you get it, the dollar store?
A young buzzard is bringing his new boyfriend home...
He turns to his dad and says "So, what are we having for dinner?"
The father bird clears his t**....
"Carrion, my gay bird son. There'll be peas when you are done."
Super bowl tickets
A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5' 6", about 120 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress."
*this was forwarded to me by my dad just now, never heard before, thought was worthwhile for a chuckle.
Everyone seems to love the new pound coin...
Personally I hate change.
Love,
Dad
A daughter takes her new boyfriend home to meet her parents
Her dad asks, "so, what do you do?"
The boyfriend says, "Im training in Madrid as a goalie. I'm hoping to work my way into the first team next season!"
The dad winks at his daughter, nudges her on the arm and says, "watch out for this one, he's gonna be a real keeper"
I was amazed
As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.
Dad how are babies made?
Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mums tummy.
Daughter: Does mummy s**... the seed?
Dad: Only if she wants new shoes
Medical question?
My dad said he is going in for a hip replacement........is he having surgery or am I getting a cool new dad?
The magic word
Daughter: Dad, do I get a new Iphone?
Dad: What's the magic word?
Daughter: Larissa!
Dad: Larissa??
Daughter: yes, your affair!
Dad: Do you want a cover with your Iphone too?
Dad! You can strike out the mountain bike on my wish list for christmas!
Just found a brand new one in the basement!!!
A family moves into their new house.
Grandma comes for a visit and asks the youngest child, a five-year-old, how he likes the new place. It's terrific, he says. I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.
Dads are like puppies
Mom can always get a new one, but he'll never be like the one that ran away.
Today I put a new lens on my camera that allows me to take photos of farts.
It's called flatulence.
Sorry, I'm a dad.
The doctor brings the newborn baby to the father and says sorry but your wife didn't make it
The new dad replies well then bring me the one she made then!
Little Johnny goes to his mother...
"Mommy, Mommy! do you know that my new babysitter is an angel?"
"Oh why do you say so?" replies the Mother.
"Because this morning, while you were out, she was standing all n**... in your room on the bed under the crucifix you and Dad keep on the wall screaming \-I am coming, oh Lord, I am coming!!!\- luckily Daddy was behind holding her down"...
How are new dad jokes made?
First, a new joke is created when dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock. But it's not until the punchline becomes apparent that the dad joke is fully groan.
My Dad told me he's good at learning from his mistakes
He said "You teach me something new everyday."
A French teacher asks her new class if any of them know any French.
Young Johnny lets out a parade of F-bombs-
"Whoa! Hey now?! Who told you that was French?" interrupted the teacher.
"My dad. He is always asking people to pardon his French".
An elementary teacher was talking to her class about safety when crossing the street.
"I used to have a little brother, and on his eighth birthday my parents got him a brand new red bike. He was across the street at his grandmas' when dad wheeled it outside. My brother was so excited that he ran across the street without looking, right in front of a car. The car hit him and he died." One of the children raised his hand and asked, "Where's his bike?"
A 12 year old boy comes home from school
He enters the home and his parents are sitting on the sofa together clutching hands.
Sit down son we have something to say says the dad
The boy sits down.
You're adopted the mother says.
The boy sighs and tears up and asks why didn't you say so before? I've always wondered
Good claps the father standing up swiftly. Get your bags packed, your new Parents will be here to pick you up in about an hour.
Who is he?
After returning home from their honeymoon, the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table.
At first, he really doesn't give it much thought. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask her about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no," she answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
Iraqi dad gives his daughter a gift.
An Iraqi Father gifted his daughter a new bag. His daughter replies with, "Thank you for the baghdad."
When I was a kid living with my parents, I remember when my dad gave me money to pay the utilities one day
On impulse, I decided to buy scratch-offs. When I got home I explained *'but we could get a new car when we win!'*, he ended up beating me.
The next day, we woke up to a new truck outside our house and everyone was crying. Myself in particular, because the new truck was from the Utilities company, coming to shutoff the water. So my dad beat me again.
It still Hertz to this day.
A new boy has just enrolled at school and the teacher remarked on his unusual name, Aday.
I've never heard that name before, she said
My father thought of it, said the boy.
I was the 10th kid in our family, and when I was born, Dad said: 'For cryin' our loud, let's call it a day!'
10 september 2001
The child of Bin Laden comes home grumpy. His dad asks him "what happened?". "Today I got an F in geography class". "And what did she ask you?". "What's the tallest building from New York and I said Empire State Building". "Eh, don't cry over it, I'll take care of that for you."
Guy in West Virginia gets a girlfriend...
He runs to his dad and says, "I just got a new girlfriend and she's a v**...."
The dad says, "If she's not good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
Son is asking his dad for money to buy new glasses
Son: Dad my glasses broke i need new one
Dad: Get a job and buy them yourself. What do i look like, a bank?
Son: I don't know i can't f*cking see!
Two siblings, a boy and a girl opens their Christmas presents
The boy received a football hat while the girl received a wonderful gold necklace.
The next year, the boy received a puzzle and the girl received an new wardrobe full of clothes.
And the next year again, the boy finds out he got a cheap chinese phone while his sister received an iPhone X.
So this year, after the opening, the girl says: "Haha! mom and dad loves me more!"
The boy replies: "Haha! I don't have a tumor"
A little girl asked her dad where babies come from.
Dad: "The daddy plants a seed in the mommy."
Little girl: "Does she s**... the seed?"
Dad: "Only if she wants a new dress."
Ole came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Vere did you get da money for da bike? Dat musta cost $500," he asked.
"It was easy, Dad," little Lars replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Lars," Ole said. "Tell me da truth."
"Dat is da truth Dad!" Lars replied.
"Every night you ver gone, Sven, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $10 bill and tell me ta take a hike.
I was making fun of my Dad's new Thai bride, and he wasn't too happy about it.
My dad wasn't too pleased either.
My mom and dad were both ladders.
Things were pretty great until they got divorced. It was rough at first until they both remarried and I got two new step ladders.
Every time he told a joke, someone would immediately shout out the punchline....
Dad sighed, "I guess I need to go out and buy a loom."
The kids replied, "Why is that?"
Dad responded, "Because I need to make some new material!"
Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?
Because it said 'new balance' on it.
The Tea Party
Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).
He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him more. After several cups of 'tea,' and much praise, Mom came home.
"Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.
"Isn't she just the cutest?"
Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"
A man walks into a pharmacy to buy some condoms
The pharmacist takes note and says Big night tonight eh?
The man responds Yeah, meeting the new girls' parents for dinner tonight and I'm trying to get lucky.
He heads to his girlfriend's house later that night and sits down before eating to pray.
And pray
And pray
After a few minutes his girlfriend leans over and says I didn't know you were so religious
He leans over and says I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist
Son, you were adopted
Dad: "Son, you were adopted."
Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!
-
Dad: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.
